I Killed JFK

In the event the following highly compartmented manuscript is recreated - whether as a film, school or church play, world war, or other artistic production - whoever/whatever performs the role of The Covert Comic (whether it's one person, millions of people, the cosmos, or an inanimate object) should be clothed in sunglasses and a dark hooded sweatshirt, and should project a calm, affable, thoroughly life-affirming attitude and tone. Also, audience members should chuckle, laugh, boo, applaud, etc., according to the cues provided in this document.

You're welcome, America.

The Covert Comic

Somewhere near Washington, DC

10-12 September, 2001

The following is a transcript of an intelligence briefing given by a CIA officer recently at a classified location.

THE COVERT COMIC (stepping forward to the podium): Ladies, gentlemen, and other life-forms: [Chuckles from the audience] My name isn’t The Covert Comic, a.k.a. John Alejandro King, I don’t work as an intelligence officer for the CIA, and you’re not here at this intelligence briefing. [More chuckles and scattered laughter from the audience]

THE COVERT COMIC: Can everybody hear me?

Yes?

... Damn. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: The following information is disseminated strictly on a need-to-know basis. Therefore, if you don’t have a need to know this information, please don’t know it. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (appearing to become serious in order to get to the business at hand): If, as a CIA officer with access to the most highly classified information in our Government, I were to disclose to you that certain hostile foreign powers have secretly planted extremely lethal, highly contagious biological agents for which there’s no known cure at various sites throughout our country, and as a result we’re all going to die horribly within a week ... would you let me have your CD collection? [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: As I’m sure you know, our job at CIA is to provide Congress and the President with the intelligence they need to govern.

Clearly, we haven’t been doing our job very well at CIA. [Laughter and many good-natured groans]

THE COVERT COMIC: This morning I was downtown, and I happened to look over at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded.

For a second I thought: "Whoa, did I do that?" [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: When I was a little boy my mom told me: "There are many poor children who would love to live in the house you live in and have the nice things you have." Then she said: "That’s why your father and I decided to give you this assault rifle, so you can shoot those children if they try to come too close." [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: As a CIA employee I’m cleared to read documents containing the most sensitive US Government secrets.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I’m even cleared to read the Washington Post. [Laughter and scattered good-natured boos]

THE COVERT COMIC: The two criticisms we at CIA hear most frequently are, first, that CIA intelligence is inaccurate, and second, that CIA officers are selling CIA intelligence to foreign spy agencies.

... So what’s the problem? [Pause followed by loud laughter and many good-natured boos and hisses]

THE COVERT COMIC: Have you read the Quran? Do you know what these poor dupes are being promised in the afterlife as a reward for flying jetliners into office buildings? Fresh fruit, chilled water, cushy lawn furniture ... and dark-eyed teenage girls.

Would someone at the US Information Agency please inform these people that in America they can buy all this stuff at Wal-Mart any time they want?! [Laughter and scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: As an Agency employee, whenever I hear that the CIA is programming people’s minds, I have to laugh. I don’t want to laugh when I hear this, but ... [Loud laughter]

Killing JFK recently.

THE COVERT COMIC: Let me tell you, folks, this new intelligence reform bill is sobering reading.

At least I'm getting sober reading it. [Loud laughter and scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC (inhaling and exhaling loudly, as if deeply embarrassed): Man, I haven't bombed like this since I was working with the Contras. [Loud laughter and many good-natured boos]

THE COVERT COMIC: Some people have bumper stickers on their car that say 'I'd Rather Be Hunting.'

I have a bumper sticker that says 'I'm Hunting.' [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (as if imparting a deep spiritual truth): The most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or touched.

... At least not without paying for dinner and a movie first. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (sighing): I got caught fibbing on the CIA polygraph recently. What a hassle. I thought I could beat the box, but I got busted. So I had to confess the truth to the polygrapher: Yeah, I’m God. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: When I first heard about virtual reality, I was like "Wait a minute - you mean up to now all this stuff in my life was really happening?!" [Loud laughter and applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: An alternative perspective on international terrorism:

On the other hand, it's now statistically certain that Al Qaeda has killed at least one mime. [Laughter and scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: I guess it’s no surprise I work for the CIA, given that my father was in the CIA too.

I remember when I was a little boy my pop used to go on secret CIA missions all the time. When his secret mission was finished he would return home late at night by climbing through my bedroom window. Then he would come over to my bed and tell me everything that had happened, about how he had been forced to fight enemy agents, which had caused his clothes and hair to get all mussed up, and how they had tortured him, which was why he had those red marks all over his face and neck. [Laughter] After this my pop would swear me to secrecy and remind me that the future of America, and therefore my getting Christmas presents, depended on my keeping quiet about the vital work he was doing. [Chuckles]

Years later, when I started my career at CIA, I went around to the Directorate of Operations and asked people there if they had any record of my father having worked at the Agency. They all said no.

It was then that I realized the truth about my pop.

Yes, all those years my father had been operating under various covers. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I used to get angry a lot. But lately I’ve realized that anger doesn’t solve problems, anger is the problem.

So now when I get angry, it really pisses me off. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: It’s interesting the way things seem to happen in patterns. For example, when I first started working at the Agency I used to go to CIA Headquarters every day dressed in tasteful Italian clothing. A little while after that I started going to CIA Headquarters clothed in tasty Italian dressing. [Laughter]

Another interesting thing is that I now work at a part of CIA where they give me free drugs every four hours. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I got a new hard drive for my classified intelligence files.

... A good trade, don't you think? [Laughter and scattered boos]

THE COVERT COMIC: I always wanted to be a comedian with a trademark joke. But it's surprisingly difficult to come up with a funny joke about trademarks.

... See what I mean?

[Laughter and good-natured groans]

THE COVERT COMIC: ... Which reminds me of an important lesson I've learned from doing intelligence briefings (i.e. standup comedy) [scattered laughter] over the years:

The crowd isn't booing, they're saying 'screw you.'

[Scattered laughter, along with a smattering of 'boo'-type sounds from the audience]

THE COVERT COMIC: When it comes to espionage, collection technology can do a lot to support the intelligence officer in the field. But as one who has experience in this area, let me tell you, no machine will ever be able to go to an embassy cocktail party overseas, meet foreign officials there, get drunk, pick up a hooker on the way back to the hotel, and wake up the next morning wondering what the hell happened. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I asked a woman if she wanted to have sex.

She said yes.

So then I asked her who she wanted to have sex with. [Pause followed by laughter]

She said me.

So then I asked her if I could at least watch. [Loud laughter]

Meat, meet meat.

THE COVERT COMIC: What do you get when the Director of Central Intelligence sleeps with a KGB officer?

If you have the negatives like I do, you get two hundred thousand dollars. [Laughter and scattered applause]

And that’s just the first payment! [Chuckles]

THE COVERT COMIC: Penis envy. [Pause followed by laughter] Now there’s a concept. It would take a psychoanalyst to come up with that one, wouldn’t it? [Chuckles]

I mean, how many women do you know who really want a penis? [Pause followed by loud laughter]

... Hmmm. Maybe I should have phrased that question a little differently. [Laughter]

But honestly, penis envy? Gimme a break.

How about penisophobia.

You know ... fear of penises? [Laughter]

I’ve written a screenplay for a horror film on this subject, and I’m willing to negotiate its sale to a good (in other words, a rich and generous) film producer. The name of my screenplay is:

... Night of the Penis. [Loud laughter and scattered applause]

Can’t you imagine a trailer for this movie? A woman, alone in the shower, washing her hair, perhaps contentedly humming a little song as she reaches for the conditioner. [Chuckles] Meanwhile, on the wall behind her, unbeknownst to the poor lady, a huge shadow grows larger and larger with each passing second. [Chuckles] Turning suddenly, the woman’s eyes open wide and she screams in terror!

Night ... of the Penis. [Loud laughter and scattered applause]

Night of the Penis

THE COVERT COMIC: Hey, if God created me in His image, and if you think you’re as good as I am, doesn’t that make you kind of like Satan? [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: On one hand, I think it's bad if I hear voices in my head. On the other hand I think, 'Yeah, but who's that telling me this right now?' [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Here’s my impersonation of the semi-invisible man. [Laughter and many good-natured groans as The Covert Comic stands with one hand behind his back]

You're welcome, America. [Scattered laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I can’t count the number of fellow Government employees I know who are lacking in some basic job skill.

However, I expect to learn to count soon, after which I should be able to give you a rough estimate. [Laughter and scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC (sighing in exasperation): Well, the CIA assassinated me again last night. [Chuckles]

Let’s see, that makes, what, one hundred thirty-two times this month that the CIA has assassinated me. [Laughter] It’s really starting to get old.

Why is the CIA mad at me? After all, it’s not like you people aren’t cleared to hear these classified jokes I’m telling. For example, I was doing CIA research on the paranormal recently, and I interviewed a guy who claimed he could read people’s thoughts.

I asked him: "What am I thinking right now?"

He said: "You’re thinking that I don’t know what you’re thinking."

I said: "No I’m not."

He said: "See what I mean?" [Laughter and many good-natured groans and loud boos]

THE COVERT COMIC: The Covert Comic. Answering the question: Where are today’s brilliant new comedians with top secret security clearances? [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: When I was a boy my father worked two jobs so I could have a better life than he had.

And as long as he keeps working those two jobs so I don’t have to do anything strenuous, I’ll continue to have a better life than my father. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Speaking of the paranormal, my friends are always asking me: "Hey, The Covert Comic, [Chuckles] you work for the CIA. So tell us, what if any connection is there between the CIA and alien abductions?"

Let me state for the record that I’ve read all the classified reporting on the topic of the CIA and alien abductions, and to the best of my knowledge the CIA has never abducted aliens. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: You might be a redneck if I slit your throat. [Pause followed by loud laughter and applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: I read that one out of every two Government employees is incompetent. So just to be safe, I went and found a fellow Government employee who’s incompetent, and I now hang around with him as much as possible. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (Looking upwards, as if recalling a profound memory): I remember, when I was a little boy, my uncle Bob and I were alone down behind the ballpark one afternoon when my parents were gone, and he came up and put his arms around my waist, and told me: "Spread your legs, Johnny." [Scattered nervous chuckles]

Then he said: "Now, arch your back and wiggle your butt a little. Yeahhhh Johnny, that’s nice." [Scattered laughter and several expressions of disgust]

After that he said to me: "Get ready Johnny, here it comes!"

… Then he said: "Didn’t that feel good, Johnny?" [More expressions of disgust]

Finally my Uncle Bob said: "Now, I’m gonna pitch the ball to you again Johnny, but this time don’t swing at it, OK?" [Pause followed by laughter and good-natured groans and boos, as many members of the audience begin to understand]

THE COVERT COMIC (as if mystified by the audience’s reaction): What?

THE COVERT COMIC (as if horrified at the sudden realization): … Wait, did you think …? [More laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: … You people are SICK!!! [Loud laughter and many expressions of protest]

THE COVERT COMIC: Although we often take it for granted, the fact is that the right to privacy is not explicitly guaranteed anywhere in our Constitution, but is merely inferred from it.

Isn’t it time for our Government to formally acknowledge privacy as a fundamental American right? [A few scattered applause]

I mean, if CIA officials were to secretly videotape FBI employees in their homes, do you think the Government should have any business interfering in this completely private activity by CIA officers? [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Some people see injustice and say: "Why should I do anything?"

I see injustice and ask: "Why should I do anything?" After all, to say: "Why should I do anything?" isn't proper sentence construction. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I asked the CIA psychologist if she thought I was crazy.

She said: "No I don’t, and if you loosen this chokehold and let me breathe for a minute I’ll tell you why." [Laughter]

All-Too-Human Rights Violations Alleged

'The Covert Comic stole my entire body.'

THE COVERT COMIC: Last week I gave a top secret intelligence briefing at the White House. I was taken to the White House Situation Room and introduced to an audience of about twenty-five people. I told the audience that before I could begin the briefing I needed proof that everyone present was cleared to hear the information I was about to impart.

They all said: "Of course we’re cleared; this is the White House."

I said: "Hey, how do I know this is the White House?" [Chuckles]

They said: "This is Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue, isn’t it? You had to check in with White House Security, didn’t you?"

I said: "How do I know this is Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue? And how do I know those people are really White House Security?" [Chuckles]

They said: "If you didn’t know this was Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue, why did you come here in the first place?"

I said: "Well... how do I know I’m here?" [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

Then they said: "Look, how do you know you’re breathing? How do you know you’re with CIA? How does anybody know anything?"

I said: "OK, I’ll give you folks my top secret intelligence briefing if you answer one question."

They said: "Fine, what’s the question?"

I said: "How the hell are you people able to speak in perfect unison like that?" [Pause followed by laughter and many good-natured groans]

THE COVERT COMIC: Like most of you folks, I study the theory of Relativity on a regular basis. [Chuckles] And let me tell you, that theory really explains a lot.

For example, the other day I was reading in the theory of Relativity that if an object moves at a velocity approaching the speed of light, its length will be contracted such that the object becomes smaller and smaller.

... So that’s why the faster I come, the quicker I shrink! [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (with a look of mock indignation): As a feminist, I’m pretty angry these days. [Chuckles]

Seriously, just look at all the ways in which our patriarchal society is biased against women. Even inherently feminine concepts are conceived in male terms.

For example, the term ‘gynecology.’

Guy-necology? [Laughter]

What else but a profoundly male-biased society would call the study of that most beautiful and powerful women’s organ ‘guy-necology?’

Talk about vagina envy. [Laughter]

And how about ‘hysterectomy.’

His-terectomy? [Laughter]

How many men ever had to have a ‘his-terectomy?’ Aren’t you outraged?

I mean, even the term for women’s same-sexuality, ‘Lesbianism,’ is gender biased. Think about it. They named the most cherished, intimate woman-to-woman relationship ... after some guy named Les. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (with a look and tone of mock disgust): No doubt because this ‘Les’ wanted to watch women relating to each other. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: The only way to right this injustice is to replace all male-biased names with names that are more gender-appropriate. I believe that as a feminist (and in particular, as an Herspanic feminist) [Laughter] I’m qualified to suggest more gender-appropriate terminology.

For example, I think the term ‘gynecology,’ which refers to the study of the definitive women’s organ, should be changed to ... pussycology. [Laughter and scattered howls and boos]

I’m sure my fellow feminists will agree with me that this is a much more enlightened, progressive, woman-oriented term. [Chuckles]

As for ‘hysterectomy,’ I think this word should definitely be changed to hersterectomy [Chuckles], since pretty much by definition it’s a ‘her’ who has to have one.

Now, as for what we should call women who have sex with other women, I think the real point is that these women should call me, at my home or on my cell phone at work if necessary, whenever they’re planning to do this so I can come over and join in with them. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Really, though, I think an appropriate alternative for the term ‘Lesbian’ would be a name that most accurately describes the kind of person who has the greatest interest in women loving women.

In this connection I’d like to propose the term man. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (still looking a little indignant about this whole subject): Thank you. [Chuckles and scattered applause]

(Not pornography, obviously)

'As a Feminist, I don't necessarily agree with The Covert Comic.'

THE COVERT COMIC: I was friends with a Lesbian couple, both of them nice, intelligent, attractive people. Well, they got to thinking they’d like to have a child, and that I might be a good biological father. So they asked me if I was interested. I thought about it for a few weeks, and eventually I decided I couldn’t do it, not so much for any moral or religious reasons, but mostly because I lost their address and telephone number. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Like any government organization, the CIA occasionally makes mistakes.

For example, a friend of mine from Counternarcotics Group came up to me the other day and said: "So how was I to know there’s a San Jose, Costa Rica?" [Loud laughter and many good-natured hisses and boos]

THE COVERT COMIC: That last joke refers, of course, to the widely reported myth that the CIA once funded its Central American operations by selling crack cocaine in San Jose, California.

Why do I call this report a myth? Well, everybody at CIA knows you can’t make very much money selling crack cocaine. [Chuckles]

Especially not in San Jose, California. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (pretending to be exasperated, as if nobody laughed at the previous joke): This show reminds me of a covert action. It’s happening and nobody knows it. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: When I realized he was a terrorist and he was going to try to kill me, I continued walking along beside him for another half block or so. At the first sight of an alleyway, I leapt from the sidewalk, did a shoulder roll, and came up firing my nine-millimeter. As he slumped silently to the ground, two thoughts raced through my mind: who had tipped him off that I was CIA, and how the hell had he managed to make himself look exactly like a small puppy? [Laughter and several good-natured expressions of horror]

THE COVERT COMIC: Old comics never die, they just segue. [Chuckles]

I consider myself very socially conscious. For example, I get really embarrassed if there’s a hair sticking out of my nose. [Laughter]

Seriously, though, I give a lot of money to charity (and I really do). You know, for less than 20 cents a day you can feed a hungry person in Bangladesh. Hmmm, maybe I should go there tonight for dinner. [Laughter]

Have you ever noticed that some folks act indignant or morally superior when it comes to social issues? Here’s a great way to respond the next time an allegedly ‘socially conscious’ person tries to make you feel guilty about something: Just say to that person: "Is it true you took a shower recently and killed many innocent bacteria?" [Laughter]

I’m not saying there aren’t serious problems in the world, or that we shouldn’t pay any attention to them. No, there are many serious problems in the world, and we should pay lots of attention to them. For example, there are people being assaulted on the street by criminals. And there are criminals being assaulted on the street by people. [Laughter]

And then there’s the debt crisis. The Third World owes billions to the US and can’t pay. The US owes billions to Asian and European banks and can’t pay. Now, if we could just figure out some way to get those Asian and European banks to owe billions to the Third World, then everybody would owe everybody else, and we could tear up all the IOU’s and start over! [Chuckles and scattered laughter and applause]

At CIA we care a lot about social justice. In fact, we’ve got an entire branch in the Directorate of Operations dedicated to this issue. CIA officers in this branch work around the clock secretly bringing social equity, harmony, and happiness to people in many countries all over the world. Unfortunately, because it’s a covert operation the people in these countries don’t actually know they’re happy. [Laughter]

Honestly, though, I truly believe that all the problems of the world would be solved if we followed Jesus’ teaching, which is: Love each other.

On the other hand, maybe a big problem is that up to now we’ve been interpreting Jesus’ teaching to love each other a little too literally, if you know what I’m saying. [Laughter]

He did it.

THE COVERT COMIC: I don’t actually have Tourette's Syndrome, but it’s far too late to admit this now. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: A lot of folks these days are saying we need to preserve the rainforest. Hey, we’re preserving the rainforest. We’re just removing all the water and organisms first, because that's the best way to preserve things. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: People ask if it's possible to find love after age 40. The answer is yes - you just have to reach your hand down a little lower. [Loud laughter and widely scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: It’s a good thing I’m not a complete asshole, otherwise I might tell some obnoxious joke like the following. [Scattered laughter]

The other day a Native American said to me: "When are you people going to give us our land back?"

I said: "Hey, when are you people going to give us back our beads and trinkets?" [Laughter]

"And they better be the original beads and trinkets, mister, or forget the whole deal." [Laughter]

Thank God I’m not a complete asshole, so I don’t tell obnoxious jokes like that. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Last week my Zen master told me: "Be here now."

Well, here I am. But where the hell is that Zen master? [Laughter]

'My God, what a briefing! Good thing I was able to get a seat!'

THE COVERT COMIC: My wife and I had a long talk about oral sex the other night. She kept saying she wants more of it, and I kept saying: "Bludda bludda bludda bludda bludda bludda bludda..." [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: No doubt CIA makes mistakes from time to time, but the fact is we also have a lot of successes. For example, I’ll never forget that operation in which CIA built a time machine and went back in history to prevent the election of the perverted war criminal President Kline. [Scattered chuckles]

... What? What’s that? You never heard of President Kline?

Well, see what I mean? [Laughter and several good-natured groans]

THE COVERT COMIC: The Covert Comic. Not just another CIA standup comedian - the other CIA standup comedian. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: A few months ago I got to wondering what would happen if I answered every question by saying: 'OK.' So from then on, every time somebody spoke to me, I said: "OK."

After several weeks of this my boss called me into his office, and told me that if I said 'OK' one more time I’d be fired.

I said: "OK." [Laughter]

So I lost my job. [Chuckles] The finance company said: "If you can’t pay your debts, we’re going to have to repossess all your belongings."

I said: "OK."

So then I was standing on the street corner, homeless and completely naked. [Chuckles] The police came and told me to get in their squad car.

I said: "OK."

At my court hearing the judge asked me if I would consent to being placed in a state mental hospital for observation.

I said: "OK."

At the state mental hospital the psychologist told me I was making a lot of progress. Then she asked me if I wanted to get into the work rehabilitation program and see a job counselor.

I said: "OK."

The job counselor at the work rehabilitation program did some checking and told me they were willing to give me another chance at my former place of employment.

I said: "OK."

So then they sent me back to my old job. My boss said: "Hey, I’m sorry about what happened. From now on feel free to say "OK" anytime you want to. In the meantime, do you have any questions before I send you back to your cubicle?"

I said: "... Yeah. Can I have some clothes?" [Pause followed by laughter and many good-natured groans]

Death is your spirit's way of realizing: 'I never should have flamed The Covert Comic.'

THE COVERT COMIC: My uncle once offered me the following advice: "Only you can live your life; don't let others live it for you."

I said: "So in other words, don't let other people do what you just said is impossible anyway."

My uncle pretty much leaves me alone now. [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: The other day I spoke with a priest at my church about my wife and I having sex in the ‘dog’ position. [Embarrassed laughter] He said: "Look, I’m not threatening you with hellfire or anything, but if I see the two of you doing that again, you could be in serious trouble, OK?" [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: They say men like cars and women like clothes. I definitely agree. I mean, as long as I stay in my car, what the heck do I need clothes for? [Laughter]

'I told you we should have published The Covert Comic!'

THE COVERT COMIC: God, life is good. I mean, even people from poor countries agree life is good. For example, I remember the time I was in an extremely poor country, and a man from that country said to me, as we drove in his limousine on the private road leading to his plantation, "God, life is good." [Laughter]

That was just a friendly, good-natured joke. Don’t be pissed, OK? Remember, I give to charity, including charities that feed, clothe, and shelter the poor. I particularly enjoy delivering clothing to poor people who don’t have any, especially if those poor people happen to be major babes. [Laughter]

Hey, somebody’s got to buy lingerie for these women and help them practice putting it on and taking it off correctly. [Laughter]

Can you honestly say you help the needy more than I do? And what are you doing about injustice besides complaining? For my part, I support Amnesty International because I want to help people who are being persecuted merely for telling jokes about their government. [Scattered chuckles]

By the way, I suppose you heard about my recent disaster at the annual Amnesty International conference. Oh, you didn’t hear about it? Well, then I guess I might as well roll the video.

THE COVERT COMIC (looking down at the console of the podium and pressing a button or two. A short news documentary begins playing on the screen behind him. A voice speaks; the voice may be that of The Covert Comic):

Spokespersons for Amnesty International are downplaying controversial statements by a comedian known as 'The Covert Comic.' The comments were made during an address to the annual Amnesty International conference last week. Invited to speak at the reception and apparently believing the event was a ‘comedy roast’ of the international human rights organization, The Covert Comic delivered the following monologue.

"Thanks for inviting me here tonight. You’re really looking great, folks. I think human rights is a very important subject and I’m honored to have been chosen to speak about it this evening.

Although I’m a professional comedian, I consider myself fairly knowledgeable about human rights abuses, particularly torture and imprisonment. You see, I’ve been married for several years now. [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

What human rights violations should I talk about this evening? Does anybody have a favorite they’d like to request? [Confused, slightly embarrassed silence]

Just kidding. Actually, I guess I can talk about whatever I want to, seeing as how you’re a captive audience.

… Get it? Captive audience? [Embarrassed, slightly resentful silence]

For more than a quarter of a century Amnesty International has been working to free people who are prisoners of conscience. Although if you ask me, all you really need in order to free someone from conscience are three or four vodka martinis. [Resentful silence, mixed, however, with a few chuckles]

Heh, heh... I’d like to thank the woman in that Iranian prison for laughing at that last joke of mine... [Scattered chuckles]

Seriously, though, Amnesty International has achieved many successes in its efforts to improve the condition of political prisoners worldwide. For example, just last week Amnesty International got the North Korean government to agree to schedule aerobic workouts between torture sessions. [Absolute silence]

… Get it? ... Aerobic workouts, the condition of political prisoners... [Angry silence, broken by a few scattered mutterings and offended gasps]

No need to laugh so loudly, sir; we don't want to wake up the rest of the people in the room... [Scattered boos]

By the way, did you hear about the Polish political prisoner? During Communism he was sentenced to fifty years in a secret political prison for dissident activity. But since it was a secret prison, no one would tell him how to get there. [More boos]

Hey, here’s a great knock-knock joke about political prisoners in China [Increasing expressions of disapproval from the audience]:

'Knock-knock.'

'Who’s there?'

'Your lawyer.'

'My lawyer Woo?' [A large chorus of boos and expressions of indignation]

Boy, what do I have to do to get a reaction from you people, use a cattle prod?

Oops, I didn’t mean... [Many boos and catcalls]

Honestly, though, you folks sure are a diverse crowd. Tell me, ma’am, which delegation are you with, if you don’t mind my asking?

... Oh really? And how is the human rights situation in the Republic of Lesbia these days? [Many angry noises from the audience]

In the spirit of freedom of expression, I hope you won’t object if I offer a little constructive criticism of your organization. Here’s what I want to say: Given that Amnesty International is supposedly fighting for those confined under inhuman conditions, why aren’t you doing more for the people of New Jersey? [The sound of many dozens of people getting up from their chairs and walking out of the room]

Hey, where’s everybody going? Hey! Hello! I’m not finished yet!

... Wow, this is exactly what happened when I did the show at that prison in Myanmar."

[End of video. Mixed laughter and applause from the briefing audience]

THE COVERT COMIC: A Zen master once gave me the following advice: "Be who you are. Otherwise you’ll suffer needlessly."

I said: "If I’m not who I am, what do I care if I suffer?" [Laughter]

'Clearly, The Covert Comic displays true Buddha nature.

Indeed, in many ways The Covert Comic is Buddha nature. Thank you very much.'

THE COVERT COMIC: They say truth is stranger than fiction. If that’s true, it’s stranger than it would be if it wasn’t. [Pause followed by laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: I hear New York and New Jersey are going to merge and be called New Jerk. [Laughter and scattered applause]

THE COVERT COMIC: People who are old enough to remember always ask each other: 'What were you doing when you heard that John F. Kennedy had been assassinated?'

It’s easy for me to remember what I was doing when I found out that John F. Kennedy had been assassinated, because I just learned about it on the History Channel last week. [Laughter]

... What I was doing was watching the History Channel. [Loud laughter]

Seriously, though, I remember what I was doing the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated. You see, the day John F. Kennedy was assassinated, I was busy assassinating John F. Kennedy. [Laughter]

Because the truth I’m about to disclose is highly classified and I’m therefore not permitted to state it explicitly, I’ve decided to communicate it in the form of a coded poem. By listening carefully to this poem, those members of the audience who possess the appropriate security clearances should be able to decipher the hidden message in it.

The name of this poem is... I Killed JFK. [Laughter]

I Killed JFK

John Alejandro King

As I stood on a street one day

I killed a man named JFK [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

I calmly blew his brains away

Why did I kill JFK?

Because I work for the CIA [Laughter]

Five years later, to the day

After I killed JFK

I killed his brother, RFK [Laughter]

And if you’re wondering, by the way

My other name is… James Earl Ray [Laughter]

Who knows what deep dark secrets may

Lie locked away at CIA

One thing I for sure can say:

Aliens are invading the USA [Laughter]

… And all these aliens are Gay [Loud laughter]

... And/or Lesbian [Laughter]

In a little room at CIA

I meet with doctors everyday [Chuckles]

And every day these doctors say:

"Please don’t say you killed JFK" [Laughter]

To which I say

"OK" [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Thank you. [Laughter and scattered applause]

... That bad, huh?

THE COVERT COMIC: They say the truth is funnier than any joke you can possibly tell.

And when they say this, I know I’ve failed another audition. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Seriously though, when I disclose the top secret intelligence that everything is funny, some people are offended. They say things like: 'What about genocide? Is genocide funny?! And what about slavery? Is slavery funny?! And what about poverty? Is poverty funny?! And what about child abuse? Is child abuse funny?! And what about racism? Is racism funny?! And what about cramming a bunch of food in your mouth and punching your cheeks real hard so the food flies all over the room? [Laughter] Is cramming a bunch of food in your mouth and punching your cheeks real hard so the food flies all over the room funny?!' [Chuckles]

When they ask me this I usually tell these people: "You’re right; cramming a bunch of food in your mouth and punching your cheeks real hard so the food flies all over the room isn’t all that funny. In fact, it’s kind of dumb." [Chuckles]

But honestly, when folks ask me if I think poverty is funny, I answer this way:

Poverty is mildly funny, but helping people overcome poverty is very funny.

For this reason I always point out during my intelligence briefings: If you want to be really, really funny, give to people in need.

After all, research has demonstrated conclusively that, other things being equal, the more you give to needy people, the more they’ll laugh at your jokes. [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

Incidentally, the other day I did some calculations, and I realized that, if every person who visited my web site would give just a few dollars to help needy people, I wouldn’t have to give anything. [Laughter]

Therefore, I say: Please give to the needy, so I don't have to. [Laughter]

Thank you.

THE COVERT COMIC: The Covert Comic. Asking the question: If God isn’t a joke, why did He create you in His image? [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Ladies, gentlemen, and other organisms, [Chuckles] the following information is disseminated strictly on a need-to-know basis. Therefore, if you don’t have a need to know this information, please don’t know it. [Scattered laughter]

A political activist said to me: "Do you know what the CIA is doing to the people of Pakistan?"

I said: "Hum a few bars and maybe I’ll recognize it." [Laughter. The Covert Comic throws his fist out and says "Bit-a-boom!"]

One time when I was working in a Third World country, the security officer at the American Embassy told me: "Don’t go outside, the people are rioting in the street."

I said: "It’s OK, I’ll stay on the sidewalk." [Laughter and several good-natured groans. Some in the audience join The Covert Comic in shouting "Bit-a-boom!"]

I continue to be highly impressed by the professionalism of our female CIA case officers. I mean, they always think ahead. For example, this female case officer I know was getting instructions from her boss before going to meet a foreign intelligence official for the first time.

Her boss told her: "Remember, don’t say anything classified to him."

She said: "What if I talk in my sleep?" [Laughter, many howls, boos and hisses, and many shouts of "Bit-a-boom!"]

THE COVERT COMIC: Ladies, gentlemen, and other species: [Chuckles] Thanks to the disclosure of the top secret truth that everything is funny, it’s now possible to accurately predict what God will say on the Day of Judgment.

Here’s what God will say on the Day of Judgment:

"Bit-a-boom!"

Thank you. [Chuckles and scattered applause from the audience, many of whom are now beginning to realize that in The Covert Comic’s intelligence briefing is the answer to the great mystery of being]

THE COVERT COMIC: The Covert Comic. Reminding everybody: To be serious is the biggest joke of all. [Chuckles]

THE COVERT COMIC: The other day I asked my boss if I have management potential.

She said: "Yes, and you always will." [Pause followed by laughter as The Covert Comic stands there looking dejected and humiliated]

THE COVERT COMIC: A Zen master told me: "Hear without listening."

I said: "... What?" [Laughter and good natured groans]

THE COVERT COMIC: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Those who cannot... [Laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC (again appearing to become solemn): You know, in a world without violence, tyranny and deceit, the CIA would be unnecessary.

Therefore, as a CIA officer I say: Let’s hope we never have a world without violence, tyranny and deceit. [Loud laughter]

THE COVERT COMIC: Several times a day complete strangers stop me on the street and ask: 'Tell me, The Covert Comic, [Chuckles] if everything is funny, does that mean hell is funny?'

I usually respond by asking these people how they define hell.

Most of the time they start to say: 'Hell is the place and state of eternal punishment for the fallen angels and human beings who die deliberately estranged from the love of God.' [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

Before they can finish this sentence, however, the more devout among these people usually look at me and start giggling. Although I try to remain solemn, despite my best efforts I too begin to snicker good-naturedly. [Chuckles] People passing by see us laughing, and join in. [Chuckles] Before you know it the whole street, the whole city, the whole planet, becomes a veritable symphony of cackles, chortles, and guffaws. [Chuckles and scattered laughter]

A ripple of laughter permeates the universe.

The heavens are chuckling with the glory of God. [Chuckles]

As we stand beholding it all (and still giggling a little) we realize that this laughter is the trace remnant of the Big Joke which gave birth to everything, [Chuckles] and which, one day perhaps, we shall hear again in all its funniness. [Chuckles and scattered laughter and applause]

Hey, you've been a great audience! Thank you very much!

THE COVERT COMIC: A fundamental rule of successful comedy (and covert intelligence) is: Always leave your audience laughing.

So... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [Laughter as The Covert Comic waves to the audience and, continuing to laugh loudly, begins walking away from the podium]

THE COVERT COMIC (stepping back to the podium): But jokingly. [Chuckles] Ladies, gentlemen, and other life-forms, [Chuckles] my name isn’t John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, I don’t work as an intelligence officer for the CIA, and you haven’t been here at this intelligence briefing.

Thank you. [Laughter as The Covert Comic waves to the audience and grins good-naturedly. There is warm applause as The Covert Comic floats off the stage, healing all who are willing to touch him]

The Covert Comic.

Kill JFK with him while you still can!