My War On Terror! (Archive 2)

You know that petite, attractive blonde named 'Val P.,' about 40, who at first officially wasn't, then reportedly was, but at the moment still officially isn't, a CIA employee? Well, if it's ever officially confirmed that she does work for CIA, then I'll be able to officially confirm that I sure as hell didn't go through CT training with her back in the mid-1980's.

Speaking of speaking about (allegedly) covert CIA employees, this week I told a friend who's got lots of connections with Washington DC media that I'm willing to officially take the rap for the current scandal pertaining to the disclosure of Val P.'s alleged Agency affiliation. I hereby offer this service in exchange for criminal and civil immunity, plus $750,000 (after taxes, of course).

[Note: the above offer is intended purely as a friendly, good-natured gag, unless it's actually legal to solicit and be paid for carrying out such a transaction (you never know) in which case the offer is made very much in earnest.]

Tuesday 7 October 2003

I’ve proven I can succeed in the real world. Now, how do I get there?

This morning a woman from FBI Counterintelligence (FBI Counterintelligence: no oxymoron in that term, I'm genuinely sorry to report) was giving a briefing on information security. After the meeting I was chatting near the podium with a couple of people from NSA about weapons proliferation data and computer networks, when out of the corner of my eye I noticed the Bureau lady, apparently overhearing our conversation and finding it interesting, start to move in our direction. Just as she was reaching us she glanced at my nameplate (we all had to wear them at this particular function), and well, you should have seen how wide her eyes got. The poor gal immediately turned around and scurried away in the exact opposite direction, sort of like a bug that suddenly realizes it's staring up at a construction boot with a live foot in it. My theory for this FBI official's behavior: I'm definitely winning the War On Terror, no doubt about it.

Wednesday 8 October 2003

Last night my wife hosted a sewing club meeting at our house. Driving to work this morning, reflecting on all the dirt I overheard in the previous evening's conversations, I had the following insight:

Women are never really friends with each other exactly. And they’re never really enemies. Women are more like ‘frenemies.’

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 9 October 2003

My 10-month-old boy accidentally ate a terrorist tonight. Near as we can figure, our son discovered the poor hapless bastard crawling across the floor of our kitchen and, though my wife and I managed to pry out about a third of the lifeless body from his mouth, we were unable to retrieve the rest. No doubt the terrorist had it coming, but that's one fate I wouldn't wish on even the most militant Al Qaeda member.

Friday 10 October 2003

America. Making the world safe for non-inappropriate workplace behavior.

The bad news: I was informed by management this morning that I and the development team I manage have to attend one of those yearly seminars on 'enhancing productivity through teamwork.' The reason this is bad: we're currently working on three different releases, all due for launch over the next eleven days, and the seminar is scheduled for Monday through Wednesday. I had tried to get it rescheduled for my people, but management basically says we're so busy with our releases that my team's attendance at productivity seminars and workshops is among the worst in our division. Need I comment further?

The good news: at least we can take a break and do nothing for the three days of the seminar.

Saturday 11 October 2003

Last night I told my wife, "I don't take Viagra, I am Viagra."

My wife answered, "I don't take spermicide, I am spermicide."

Sunday 12 October 2003

If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have killed a lot more people.

Once this whole terrorism thing is finally over, I for one would like to see a bunch of us CIA guys get together with some former Al Qaeda members, you know, to have a few beers, tell some war stories (unclassified, of course), and just share a few laughs about the craziness of Jihad and life in general.

Speaking of laughs, I want to turn in early so I can get into the office tomorrow morning to read my e-mail and get as much done as possible before that seminar starts. Christ, what a hassle. But rest assured, America, I shall not let it faze me. Neither bullets, nor bombs, nor even a professional seminar, can prevent your humble intelligence officer from waging, with ever deeper resolve and toward an ever more glorious and liberating conclusion ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 13 October 2003

Got in to work early this morning, and immediately began negotiating with my team members, production support people, and other folks to work after-hours, off-hours, and impossible hours in order to make up the time we're losing by having to attend this seminar on being more productive. In the process, I learned a lot about how to bribe, implicitly (though in a friendly, reinforcing way) threaten, beg, trick and otherwise manipulate people into doing unreasonable amounts of work.

So already this seminar has taught me a lot about how to be more productive!

Tuesday 14 October 2003

The most advanced biophysics can’t explain the simplest single-cell organism.

… And still there are people who are afraid to major in biophysics!

Sitting in the seminar today, I had some great insights for new Covert Comic T-shirts, coffee mugs and other classified products, which intelligent readers can learn more about by clicking here.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Wednesday 15 October 2003

The Professional Seminar is over. Long live the Professional Seminar. As part of the traditional death and burial ritual following a seminar's conclusion, my team was asked to fill out surveys on how inspiring and useful the experience was to us. I may get a little grief from my management back at the office because, after everybody else had left the room, the instructor showed me that someone from my team had written in big bold letters across the top of their survey:

Please call the FBI immediately. The rest of my team is actually an Al Qaeda sleeper cell.

Ah well. If nothing else, it's encouraging to see that at least one member of my team is learning the secrets of how to successfully wage the War On Terror.

Thursday 16 October 2003

For every dwarf propelling sport you outlaw, two more shall rise up to take its place!

Back at work following the seminar, and of course we're days behind on our upcoming release. Needless to say, I was accosted by terrorists all day long and well into the evening. And the wife didn't appreciate me getting home late, either.

Friday 17 October 2003

Instead of rioting when the CIA installs a government in a Third World country, activists should tell the CIA what kind of government they'd rather see there, and maybe we can install a new one.

Our customer office (which shall remain nameless - mostly because I don't know their name ... just kidding), recognizing that we've lost the greater part of three days attending a seminar on how to be productive and are therefore behind schedule, performed their usual due diligence and totally changed (in fact, they actually expanded), the requirements for our project which is due to launch next week. As the manager for this release, I was of course ecstatic. I mean, at this point the whole schedule is out the window. My senior management is now fuming at the customer, the production support people are fuming at my management, and the pressure is totally off!

Don't get me wrong, we'll still have to work long hours and are committed to delivering a quality product, hopefully on time. But it's comforting to know that, whatever happens now, it's officially the customer's fault.

Saturday 18 October 2003

Spent this entire glorious Fall Saturday stuck at the office with my team, desperately working to meet our launch date of next week. As a result, I didn't see the wife and kids at all.

At one point I was surfing the web, and noticed that the dictionary defines wheelchair as a chair on wheels for disabled persons.

In my opinion this definition is offensive.

I mean, what about all us non-disabled people who ride wheelchairs for a gag when we're visiting someone at the hospital?

Sunday 19 October 2003

Marriage is about learning how the other sex feels. You know, extramarital sex.

Just kidding.

In fact - and on the total contrary - this weekend, in a fit of loving, passionate desperation, I told my beautiful wife, "I want to start paying you money for sex. I think it would be erotic. The only problem is, the automatic teller was out of cash today."

My wife told me, "I take checks."

True story, folks. Top Secret Codeword.

Oh, and by the way, I won't be turning in early this evening, if you know what I'm saying here. Tonight I'll be working 'undercover operations,' an important and highly valuable element in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 20 October 2003

Chiasmus is a waste of time. But then, time is a waste of chiasmus.

Tuesday 21 October 2003

Is there any way a headline containing the phrase 'Large Sections Of Grandstand' can possibly be reporting good news?

Remember: the answer to life's problems isn't at the bottom of a bottle - it's at the top, where the liquid pours out.

Wednesday 22 October 2003

How big a piece of peace would a peace activist actualize, if a peace activist could actualize peace?

Driving in to work this morning, saw a group of demonstrators outside the main entrance of CIA Headquarters waving protest signs.

My question: What's a 'NOWAR,' and why does it make hippies so violent?'

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 23 October 2003

Maybe it was the beer talking, or maybe it was my brother crouching behind the sofa whispering, 'Please don't drink me, mister, I don't wanna die!'

The forces of terror appear to have struck again. My team's release launched early this morning, and while the great majority of deliverables appeared on our customer's web site and are behaving exactly as planned and tested, there are odd little 'issues' here and there (some copy missing on one page, problems loading hyperlinks on another, etc.). I've assured my management that I will initiate an immediate investigation. And while I fully intend to maintain an open mind, early indicators clearly point to terrorist sabotage.

Friday 24 October 2003

'People before profits.' That is so right. I mean, unless you get a bunch of people to work for you first, how the heck are you supposed to make a profit?

So, having spoken of people before profits, let me now speak of profits. As in, click here if you wish to purchase Top Secrets ...

Any profits will most definitely be donated to people (maybe even needy ones).

Saturday 25 October 2003

Children are a gift from God.

So really, it's not me offering you my children as a free gift, it's God.

Read an article in this weekend's Washington Post about airline security. Wondered, when reading about that woman who was arrested for removing her blouse and bra at a security checkpoint, if the security officer responded, 'I said, show me your tickets, lady.'

I mean, the article said the woman was French, so the whole thing could have been the result of language differences.

Sunday 26 October 2003

I read an ad for a Christian TV documentary called 'Does God Approve of Television?'

Talk about a scary dilemma: do I watch it or not?

My young boy is getting hungry and starting to fuss, so I'll have to conclude this message. The good news: thinking ahead, I prepared his bottle of formula over twenty minutes ago. You see, I've learned to recognize potential security vulnerabilities and prepare contingency plans before they develop into full-blown terrorism situations. Yet another stratagem I've acquired in the process of becoming a seasoned veteran in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 27 October 2003

There's no 'I' in 'team,' but the point is, shouldn't there be?

Yep, it's getting to be that time of year again. To be honest, I have no idea whether my new division chief will be told to write a positive performance review about your humble intel officer, or a negative one. It hardly matters.

One thing I can say for sure: 9/11 was the best thing that ever happened to your humble spook, careerwise. I mean, one moment the Seventh Floor is revoking my clearances and busting me out of the Agency 'for being weird,' the next moment they're putting me in charge of an entire team of software developers (then again, maybe that's the same thing ...). You see, I got into weapons counterproliferation back in the early nineties, and had been producing useful applications and content for years on this topic. So when the US Intelligence Community (or 'USIC,' as I like to call it) rediscovered WMD following September 11th, well, there I was! Three years ago, I even got a promotion!

CIA Security absolutely hates my guts, though. As you no doubt have gathered if you've been reading this weekly journal of mine with any measure of discernment.

Tuesday 28 October 2003

Thomas Wolfe was wrong - you can go home again. For example, if you forget to wear pants to work.

Attended a CIA briefing on the latest back channel efforts aimed at heading off nuclear confrontation between Pakistan and India. At one point the CIA analyst intimated that, if Pakistan and India fight a nuclear war, both nations will experience massive desolation, disease, poverty and chaos.

Which got me to thinking: maybe Pakistan and India already fought a nuclear war, and we at CIA haven't heard about it yet.

Anybody out there have information on this?

Wednesday 29 October 2003

My brother-in-law, who's visiting our house with his fiancée this week, rented several DVD's, which I dutifully watched with the whole family (that is to say, I was present for 10-minute segments, then found ways to quietly disappear for about an hour at a time ... thank God - and my CIA ops training - for this valuable skill).

Some of your humble intel officer's observations on Hollywood's leading fare from the past half-decade or so, inspired by this evening's cinematic experience:

1. Fight Club

When the man says, 'Rule Number One of Fight Club: Don't talk about Fight Club,' isn't he violating Rule Number One when he says this?

2. The Matrix

If the Matrix is real, then how do you explain the film The Matrix?

3. Terminator 3

When the Terminator tells John Connor and the pet doctor lady that they'll be married in the future, shouldn't John Connor (or the pet doctor lady) ask, 'So when are we going to have sex?'

... Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 30 October 2003

Iraq is another Viet Nam? But we won in Viet Nam, right?

Friday 31 October 2003

I used to say, 'Assassination doesn't count as a people skill.' But then I met some assassins. Now I don't say this anymore, I just think it.

I'm very close to my aunt Rosario. Then again, given her thyroid, just about everyone on our planet is pretty close to my aunt Rosario. In any case, my aunt Rosario called me at home this evening from Southern California to ask when the US Government is going to catch Saddam Hussein and stop all the killings in Iraq.

I told her, "Three weeks."

She said OK, and hung up feeling better.

Saturday 1 November 2003

If nothing is real and everything is an illusion, then it's OK because that's not true.

OK, this is kind of sick (not like the other stuff I write), but it's also a bona fide, Semi-Top Secret Codeword fact: Not long ago this guy (let's call him 'George'), a reasonably-highly-cleared contractor from whom I've had the US Government purchase some decent software on chemical and bioweapons analysis, confided to me that he belonged to what could be called a 'swingers' club for Federal employees and contractors (honest, really). Not only that, but he actually invited your humble intel officer, and my beautiful wife, to one of their parties! Hey, I'm not going to lie to you: the wife and I went to the party (please don't tell CIA Security). My beautiful zhena later told me she thought it was kind of interesting to witness, but that she didn't want to actually do what the people there were doing (and to be completely honest, neither did I, at least not with those particular people).

Bottom line: I'm still buddies with this CIA contractor, although my policy on organized swinging is: I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have my member.

Sunday 2 November 2003

War On Terror

Headline of the Week:

America Now Doubling In Greatness Every 2.4 Seconds

As a CIA officer, if I look back and see a second set of footprints in the sand alongside my own, I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe it's our tech guys playing another one of their 'jokes.'

Speaking of which: I think I'll pray and then turn in early this evening. In fact, why don't we all pray this evening ... and while we're at it, let's all say a little prayer for a positive Annual Performance Appraisal for your humble intel officer, and for ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 3 November 2003

They say that unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. Then again, if you're a dog, you probably like that view.

Secret 112518.35. In America we don't have suicide bombers, we have 'successful people.'

Tuesday 4 November 2003

Happy Great Satan Day!

Today, November 4th, is the anniversary of the seizing of the US Embassy in Tehran by Iranian Shia Muslim militants in 1979, which is commemorated each year in the Islamic Republic of Iran as Great Satan Day. Ever year on this date I send e-greeting cards to my Iranian Shia Muslim acquaintances (I have a lot of these acquaintances, perhaps not surprisingly), wishing them a Happy Great Satan Day. The smart ones get the joke, the dumb ones get on the phone to HR, and I get a good time in either case.

Wednesday 5 November 2003

Anybody who manages to file a disability claim for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome should be rejected on principle.

Question: what will you eat when you evolve into pure energy?

Answer: pure energy.

... Still think being pure energy is 'cool?'

Thursday 6 November 2003

Since when is Noam Chomksy's famous statement, 'Colorless green ideas sleep furiously,' nonsensical? It describes environmentalism perfectly.

Friday 7 November 2003

I bet it took years to design the Rubik's cube.

Did you know the Director of my office is also a Zen master? A Zen master with a Top Secret security clearance, I might add (as if any other kind of Zen master were possible).

This afternoon my Director told me, "To be wise is to know when to say, 'I don't know.'"

I said, "So when should I say, 'I don't know?'"

He said, "I don't know."

Saturday 8 November 2003

I was shocked upon viewing Internet porn while surfing the Web last night.

Then I realized my wife must have wired the mouse on our computer.

If there ever stops being a demand for grief counselors, there will still be a temporary, residual need for grief counselors to provide grief counseling to grief counselors who are going out of business due to the declining demand for grief counselors.

And interestingly, there won't be one, last grief counselor; there will actually be two - each providing grief counseling to the other.

Just thinking about this topic makes me want to go to (but not necessarily become) a grief counselor.

Sunday 9 November 2003

I bet just having a 'Spidey danger sense' is enough to make it go off constantly.

Today following Mass our priest asked a group of us what we think it means to be Christian. I said, "Christianity is about being positive. A good way to remember this is, every time you look at the crucifix, think of it as a plus sign."

As always, our priest reacted in a way that let one know he was genuinely moved.

Speaking of being moved, I think I'll start moving toward my bed now. Yep, want to turn in early again. Why do I so often go to bed early? Remember how, in the Bible, Jesus would often rise before dawn? And remember how the Son of Man proclaimed the Good News: Be not afraid? Well, I believe that in my own infinitely more humble, no doubt deeply flawed, manner, I am echoing the teaching of our Savior when I arise each morning in darkness, and go forth to proclaim ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 10 November 2003

After much prodding from the White House, I've decided to get tougher on terror. Which is why I'm taking this long delayed week's vacation, which began today!

It's like they would say at FBI, if they had any real intelligence clearances (or if they were drinking a really large Calimocho Cia* like I am now, which amounts to the same thing):

Remember: The more you pee, the less you have to cry.

Tuesday 11 November 2003

If you read a book that claims we're in the post-Information Age, we're not in the post-Information Age.

On one hand, I think Jedi Knights would be far too honorable to use their Jedi mind powers to pick up women.

On the other hand, I note that although the Jedi are from a galaxy far, far away, we seem to bear more than a passing resemblance to them here on Earth.

Wednesday 12 November 2003

Not driving in to work this morning, I didn't think about terrorism.

Also, thought about terrorism.

I hate it when neo-Kantians claim one cannot know a thing's essence, then turn around and embrace String Theory, thereby implicitly endorsing the notion that one can, in fact, fully conceptualize the 'thing-in-itself.'

... We'll just see whether these neo-Kantians get any sex from me tonight.

Thursday 13 November 2003

Love is like a roller coaster. Your daughter keeps nagging you to let her try it, and you keep telling her she has to wait until she's at least seven years old.

Did some family tasks today (e.g., drove our baby boy to the doctor for a routine medical exam. The physician says he's doing fine).

Terrorists didn't attack me or my family today. A clear trend seems to be emerging here. Not sure what it is, but must remember, once I get back to work next week, to propose a classified quantum (and possibly String) theory-based study to see if not worrying about terror is a statistically significant predictor of terror not happening.

If it turns out this is true, then given the military and intelligence budgets at stake, it would be pretty Goddamn scary.

Friday 14 November 2003

It's true you can't go home again, although evidently your relatives can come to your house as often as they want.

I'm just now remembering the following incident, thanks to a cooler-sized Calimocho Cia*.

Last week at work someone asked me if I thought women should serve on the front lines during wartime.

I said, "That depends on how you define the word serve."

Played with the kids today. Noticed I may be coming down with the flu. Yeah, it's definitely starting to be time to quit with this rest and relaxation thing, and get back to my hellish, chaotic, body-grinding work schedule. You know, for the sake of my health.

Saturday 15 November 2003

I know nothing except the fact of my own ignorance. And I'm not even sure about that.

This morning, while reading the weekend Washington Post, I saw a photo of an anti-war demonstrator carrying a sign that said, 'You Can't Eat A Fixed-Wing Bomber.'

That's when it hit me: A fixed-wing bomber you can eat! It can bomb a terrorist government, and if it gets shot down, hey, a gift to the people of that country from the United States of America.

Must remember to propose this idea at the morning staff meeting when I get back from vacation.

Sunday 16 November 2003

I've bombed, and I've been bombed. I prefer being bombed.

I am so glad this vacation is over. Of course, being with the wife and kids all week, day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, has been an experience I'll long appreciate. But yes, I do admit that I look forward, with an anticipation that could be characterized as semi-breathless, to the moment only a few hours hence, when I rise well before dawn and creep into my cubicle in that darkened outbuilding near CIA Headquarters, to once again resume ... My War On Terror!®

* The Calimocho Cia is a classified drink invented by John Alejandro King, a.k.a., The Covert Comic, a true CIA officer. Only cleared readers are permitted to know the precise ingredients (you are cleared, right?). Based on the classic Spanish Calimocho Torreon (1/2 red wine + 1/2 Coca Cola), the Calimocho Cia incorporates a third key ingredient: a healthy shot of cheap peppermint schnapps (100 proof if at all possible). The Calimocho Cia is reportedly exploding in popularity among very highly cleared CIA personnel around the world.

Monday 17 November 2003

The first time you play a joke on the President and tell him he's been overthrown in a military coup, I bet everybody at the Cabinet meeting has a good laugh. But probably you don't want to do it too many more times after that.

Back from vacation, praise be to Allah! Got some good laughs at this morning's staff meeting with my idea for an edible fixed-wing bomber.

Noted several open source reports about British research on face transplants. It's good to see Agency funding finally starting to pay off. I mean, we've obviously got to keep a step ahead of FBI research in facial recognition software.

Tuesday 18 November 2003

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger? Oh great, now you tell me.

Received an e-mail from a military buddy serving in Iraq. He reports that your humble intelligence officer's original drink, the Calimocho Cia, is enjoying growing popularity among US and Coalition troops there. One reason: it's easy to conceal. You just take half a bottle of Coca Cola (20 oz or bigger if at all possible - I prefer Diet Coke), fill the remainder with burgundy plus a small shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps or other booze (easy to obtain from Iraqi merchants - hey, if I could get the stuff in Lafghanistan, you KNOW it's available in Iraq), and you're good to go.

According to my intel source, the Calimocho Cia has significantly improved US and Coalition morale and readiness, and is starting to find favor among Iraqis working with the Coalition. Who would have thought that, after all the awards and promotions I've received over the years for my work against WMD, this little 'chemical weapon' of mine would be bringing your humble intelligence officer more positive recognition than all the rest of my projects combined.

... Yeah, I guess I probably would have thought so too.

Wednesday 19 November 2003

It is said that when censorship works, we won't know it. Man, I'm sure glad censorship doesn't work.

Gave an intel briefing this morning at HQS, but only one person showed up. It was kind of amusing, having 'everyone go around the room and introduce themselves.'

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 20 November 2003

I don't mind you giving me my due comeuppance, as long as you don't mind me giving you your due comedownance.

I'm sorry to report that, after a week's respite, the forces of international terror have once again renewed their assault against your humble intel officer. Yesterday I discovered to my chagrin (and financial inconvenience) that Al Qaeda members have covertly infiltrated the formerly honest auto repair shop where I used to get quality work at reasonable prices. Between you and me, I may just decide to covertly exfiltrate my business elsewhere. Damn you, Al Qaeda!

Friday 21 November 2003

Not only is extremism in the defense of liberty no vice, under certain circumstances it may be tax deductible!

Probably the most alarming revelation in the wake of this week's massive demonstrations against the president of the former Soviet republic of Georgia, is that I'm the president of the former Soviet republic of Georgia, and no one bothered to tell me.

I mean, I could have been seriously injured.

Saturday 22 November 2003

Hey, maybe we should privatize the government of Iraq.

... Oh wait, I guess that's what we're doing.

Watched this '80's film about nuclear war, The Day After. Absolutely hilarious. Then again, if there had been a nuclear war back in the 1980's, at least Kansas would have been destroyed. I'm referring, of course, to the state and the musical group.

Did you know that John F. Kennedy was assassinated on this date? It must have been in the afternoon, because I saw him talking on TV this morning.

Sunday 23 November 2003

War On Terror

Headline of the Week:

FDA Approves Religion

'Properly Administered, Religion Can Have A Calming, Soothing Effect,' Say Researchers

Warnings Of Possible Side Effects, Such As World War, Nuns

Read in this weekend's Washington Post about some poor guy in Northern Ireland, Jonathan Holmes, who was lynched by the IRA back in the '70's. Thought, 'Now there's a John Holmes I wouldn't want to be hung like.'

Well, guess I'll go sit with my baby boy on the sofa, watch a little Sunday Night Football, and try to get My Heir to fall asleep. My lovely wife is upstairs taking a bath and preparing for bed. Hopefully, by the time I get our little guy to nod off, my spouse will be asleep too, so her beauty rest won't be disturbed when I rise tomorrow before dawn, quietly slip out the door and, peering carefully in each direction, cruise in to work to once more vigorously renew ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 24 November 2003

I read that this is Autistic Awareness Month. Somehow, I doubt it.

Another rumored trip by your humble intel officer to Iraq - this one has me going out next month with a semi-legendary WDM contractor, Gary S. Good old Gary S. has the distinction of having been gassed with Sarin in the 1960's during CW training (twice!), and apparently having survived. Gary's advice on surviving exposure to ultra-deadly nerve agent: 'Just stay calm, stick that Atropine injector in your leg like they showed you, breathe slowly and try not to move around too much.'

By the way, except for the part about the Atropine, the above instructions pretty much sum up a typical day in the life of a CI officer.

Tuesday 25 November 2003

If you're ever tortured in the Islamic Republic of Iran, remember: it could be worse - you could be getting tortured in Cleveland.

Cruised around the Agency's public web site this afternoon during lunch. Noted that, according to the site, the infamous HQS sculpture Kryptos (if you haven't seen it, don't), "incorporates native American materials such as wood and metal."

You can't make this stuff up, people.

... At least not without a security clearance.

Wednesday 26 November 2003

Four words every mom dreads hearing: 'You're under arrest, Mom.'

Sitting at a red light this morning on the drive to work, read the following passage in one of my wife's women's magazines:

If you're happy, there may be nothing to fix.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 27 November 2003

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Like the time I got diarrhea. Man, the leg squats I could do after that!

... And now you know how the forces of international terror attacked your humble intel officer (plus my wife, and two of our three children) this past week. Still, freedom and democracy emerged victorious, in spite of this obvious and heinous act of bioterrorism, thanks in part to a well-known product widely available in pharmacies throughout the nations of the Coalition of the (very) Willing.

Friday 28 November 2003

If God had intended for man to fly, he would have given him feathers and a beak. Which strongly suggests, however, that God did intend for some women to fly.

Remember several years ago when that diaper head killed those people outside the entrance to CIA Headquarters? Well, your humble intel officer was actually due at HQS that morning at 0830 to give a briefing, meaning I woulda, shoulda, coulda been sitting at that very intersection getting shot at. Why wasn't I there? Because I knew darn well my ops customer wouldn't show up for a briefing at 0830. It's not that ops people are too lazy to get up early; on the contrary, it's that a lot of ops people (at least a lot of the ones I work with) know they're going to be at the office well after 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. every night, no matter what happens, so most of them figure there's no point showing up early.

And that's why, instead of sitting at the Traffic Light of Death on Dolly Madison that fateful Monday morning, I cruised past the scene on the George Washington Parkway an hour later on a shuttle, saw a bunch of flashing blue lights to my left, and wondered what the heck was going on. After which, the shuttle proceeded to the rear HQS gate, I gave my briefing to the ops people in question (who in fact had not shown up at 0830), and then your humble spook kept right on going to the next big classified activity.

What does this story signify? Probably different things for different people. What it signifies for me is that today is Friday, 28 November 2003, and it's the weekend!

Saturday 29 November 2003

If you're ever in a shoe store in the Middle East, try to avoid saying, 'I really like those shoes.' Somebody might think you're saying, 'I really like those Jews,' and they might kill you.

Participated in various family activities with the wife and kids today. In the evening my wife and I discussed who's driving which kid to school at what times Tuesday (my wife has a gynecological appointment that morning). Out of curiosity I asked my lovely spouse why she prefers to see a female gynecologist.

She said, 'Well, how would you like it if another woman had her hands groping all over your penis?'

Then she said, 'Stop. Don't even answer.'

Sunday 30 November 2003

A worthy life's goal, in my opinion, is to never meet Bjork.

Not that I don't like Bjork's music, by the way. On the contrary, I think tomorrow morning I'll do something I haven't done in a while, namely, play Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet on my computer - at full volume of course - when I go into work before dawn. There's nothing like hearing that screaming Icelandic voice echo through the dark halls of a CIA building at 4:00 a.m. It's a most exhilarating way to begin a fresh work week, and often inspires interesting, counterintuitive concepts for great new operations in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 1 December 2003

The best kind of covert operation is the kind where life goes on without anyone noticing anything has happened. Like the covert operation I carried out ... just now!

Delivered my quarterly status update on Operation UMMA (a research project I've been managing) at HQS today.

(Note: Only cleared Muslims are permitted to read the following entry, please. Thanks!)

Operation UMMA

Status Update

Phase 1. Conversion of US population to Islam. Status: On schedule.

Phase 2. Removal of selected Muslim fundamentalist leaders, extermination of selected Muslim fundamentalist populations worldwide, for heresy and/or blasphemy against Islam. Status: On schedule.

Phase 3. Establishment of the Islamic Republic of the United States as official custodian of Mecca. Status: Well ahead of schedule.

Phase 4. Temporary confiscation and administration of highly decomposed Middle Eastern biomass, in the name of Allah, the Compassionate and Merciful. Status: Infinitely ahead of schedule.

Tuesday 2 December 2003

If everybody says you're underrated, you're overrated. And if everybody says you're overrated, you're underrated.

A Cuban-American DI analyst I know said to me today, "If we're willing to go half way around the world to fight a brutal dictatorship, why aren't we willing to stand up to a similarly brutal dictatorship only ninety miles from Miami?"

I told him, "You're right. The US should invade West Palm Beach immediately."

Think I'll put this idea of mine in the suggestion box by the Headquarters cafeteria. After all, the burritos in the cafeteria seemed to get better after I put a suggestion in the box a couple of years ago. So you never know.

Wednesday 3 December 2003

At the rate things are going in Iraq, pretty soon we really will have 'An Army of One.'

Driving in to work this morning, saw some demonstrators outside CIA Headquarters. Talk about a wake-up call. You mean we can trade blood for oil?!

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 4 December 2003

According to new research, there are actually Gay sheep.

If I’m an Australian guy, right now I’m thinking, ‘uh-oh …’

Apparently some local Imam (he lives in the townhouse development behind the Wal-Mart on route 50 in Fairfax) read about My War On Terror, and is calling for a jihad against my web site on his web site. Jesus, what a hassle. Now I'll have to go find some other Imam to issue a fatwa against the first guy's web site on his web site. The good news: I know an Imam over in Falls Church who's usually good for a fatwa when you need one.

Friday 5 December 2003

In my opinion, we’re not going to see an end to international terrorism until we make it clear to people that anti-terrorism is what’s really cool today.

A student from Illinois won the US Geography Bee. Not to be a bad sport about it, but should foreigners be allowed to participate in an American competition?

Saturday 6 December 2003

If, instead of bursting out of our chests, aliens could be trained to slither out of our clothing (for example, at parties), most people would probably enjoy being their biological hosts.

NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building is the world's largest structure - it's actually known to rain inside on occasion.

Today I was lucky enough to go on a tour of this storied facility with a US Intelligence Community delegation, and we experienced the phenomenon firsthand. The workers on the scaffolding far above us seemed unfazed by the conditions - we could hear them talking and laughing about it 'raining inside the building again.'

Sunday 7 December 2003

The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. As for where the wind is blowin' from, don't ask.

On this date in 1941, Osama bin Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. But jokingly, have you ever noticed how, like clockwork, every fifty-nine years, nine months and four days or so, America gets attacked by a hostile foreign power?

Which raises the question: Who will attack America on or around June 15th, 2061? More to the point, what are we doing to prevent such an attack now?

As a fully cleared intelligence officer, I know what I'm doing about it now. That's right, people, I'm going to bed now. Going to bed to get plenty of good rest, so I can rise, as always, before dawn to resume collecting intelligence and forging powerful new weapons for waging ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 8 December 2003

How come I never get to be in any angry mobs?

If excuses are the nails for building a house of failure, then using a hammer to pound the nails must be when you tell the excuses to people. But if you accidentally hit your thumb with the hammer, that must be when you try to tell the excuse to someone, but you stammer. Another thing that makes me think this theory of mine is right: 'stammer' rhymes with 'hammer.'

Tuesday 9 December 2003

I think I've figured out what's wrong with the world: It was someone's oyster, and they ate the oyster.

Read that President Bush is proposing a manned US mission to the moon.

Just checking: he does know about 1969, right?

Wednesday 10 December 2003

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: when something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Driving in to the office this morning, heard the following quote by Alfred North Whitehead on the radio: 'The total absence of humor from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature.'

Concluded that he must have been joking when he said this.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 11 December 2003

One thing you can do to promote world peace: write 'For world peace' in the memo line on all your checks.

Searching through my intelligence files this morning, I came across the following curious e-mail exchange I had with an associate when recounting my experiences in a certain emerging democracy two years ago:

The Covert Comic: Here's a picture I took of the zoo.

Associate: That's a picture of a guy getting bayoneted!

The Covert Comic: Right. He was bayoneted at the zoo.

Friday 12 December 2003

No guts, no gory.

The thought of terror is more terrifying than the act of terrorism intended to give rise to it.

... 'Terror' - Whoa!!!

See what I mean?

Saturday 13 December 2003

An interesting bit of historical trivia: Did you know that William of Orange wasn't actually orange?

If a police officer was tracing the chalk outline of a murder victim, then that police officer was murdered on the very same spot, and then the next police officer who was tracing that police officer's outline was also murdered, I would hope the Chief of Police would have the good sense not to order special security for the next tracing. Because at that point, there's clearly something greater than murder-victim-chalk-outline-tracing happening here.

Sunday 14 December 2003

I am no longer flirting with disaster. Disaster and I are now formally engaged.

Woke up to the news of Saddam Hussein's capture this morning. So that's what was going on all this week at CIA Headquarters! Talk about a sobering development. My wife and I are going to have to sit down now and have a serious discussion about our family's financial future. After all, what if Langley decides to capture Osama bin Laden next? At that point we'd be down to Iran, Kim Chong-il, and the Nobel Peace Prize Committee. Once they apprehend these last remaining international terrorists, your humble intel officer could be out of a job.

I take comfort in that old Langley joke: If CIA can make an international terrorist, we can unmake an international terrorist. I mean, doesn't it stand to reason that, if CIA can unmake an international terrorist, we can make a new international terrorist? So probably everything will turn out alright.

In any case ... I have work to do! Think I'll go to bed now, get up at 3:00 a.m. tomorrow, and go in to the office early. And I know just what I'll do when I get there: listen to Race For The Prize, by the Flaming Lips. It's a song about two scientists searching for a cure to a terrible disease. Not unlike my own quest to rid the world of evil, my jihad to end all jihads ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 15 December 2003

Secret 31.803. To the spoils belong the victors.

Greetings to all my fellow spooky shifters! I'm referring, of course, to those intel officials who are frequently at the office, or working from home, at 4:00 o'clock in the morning, just like your humble intelligence officer is doing right now. So far this launch of an update to an intel customer's web application is going fine. Another hour or so, and my client should be able to start zapping terrorists from outer space in new and improved ways. (OK, maybe I'm exaggerating slightly, but I'm telling you folks, at the rate my team and I are growing these web-based intel app's, it won't be long 'till you're purchasing Covert Comic Secrets without even being fully conscious of it.)

Tuesday 16 December 2003

If you sling enough mud fast enough, it'll become a star.

The last thing I expected was for that ‘if you love something set it free’ quote to work for peanut butter. Talk about a tasty surprise!

Wednesday 17 December 2003

Secret 8.645. If you believe everything you read, better read everything.

Driving in to work this morning, heard a financial analyst on the radio. The gist of his comments was that in order to resolve problems with, and get better yields from, your investments, your investments have to really want to change.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 18 December 2003

Some people ask: 'Why me?'

I ask: 'Why, me?'

Word around Langley is that Homeland Security is going to raise the Terrorism Threat Level from Yellow to Orange, probably this weekend. So better enjoy these last two days of living in an elevated state of terror, since according to the Government you'll need to start living in a high state of terror by Sunday at the latest.

Friday 19 December 2003

Remember: if it doesn't make you stronger, reading my books will kill you.

Helen Keller said that whenever one door closes, another door opens.

… Please God, don’t let me start wondering how she discovered this concept.

Saturday 20 December 2003

First of all, he ain’t my brother; and second, he is in fact quite heavy.

Women need a reason to have sex?

So that's why logicians get laid so frequently!

Sunday 21 December 2003

In space, if you bend down to pray, be careful not to lose your footing, or you'll go tumbling end over end through the cosmos forever.

Speaking of not killing you (and/or tumbling end over end through the cosmos forever) ... think I'll turn in early, so I can get up first thing tomorrow and, with an Orange sense of terrorist threat guiding my every action and thought, drive in to work eons before dawn, burrow into my darkened cubicle, play The Freaks Come Out at Night by Whodini at full volume on my computer, and thus begin anew ... My War On Terror!®

The Covert Comic.

Looking busy since well before 11 September 2001.