My War 3

This past weekend I was reading mainstream media chronologies of the events surrounding the capture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Now that sufficient details of the operation have been officially disclosed, I can offer my own personal chronology of this historic operation, a chronology from the perspective of a fully cleared CIA officer.

13 December 0113 HRS: Am notified of the capture of Saddam Hussein. Feel happy.

13 December 1152 HRS: Share telephone calls on the subject of Saddam Hussein's capture with numerous Intelligence Community friends. Exchange various 'spider hole' jokes, each more perverted than the last.

14 December 1037 HRS: Check out some Noam Chomsky web sites, just to get the Noamster's take on the whole Saddam thing. Am somewhat confused, even nonplussed, to learn that the capture of Saddam Hussein has somehow failed to convince His Noamness that the United States of America (and in particular, the CIA), are truly the pride and hope of the entire progressive world. Begin to experience unmistakable feelings of depression - start questioning my basic assumptions about America, the CIA, and my choice of career.

14 December 1300 - 2300 HRS: Watch three consecutive NFL games on television. Definitely feel better, though a little tired.

15 December 0710 HRS: Read in the Washington Post that the US Government quietly gave Saddam Hussein support back in the early '80's when Saddam was fighting Iran. Start to feel depressed again.

16 December 1658 HRS: Learn from a friend at HQS that CIA stopped working with Saddam in the mid 1980's because of his regime's human rights violations. Feel happy again.

16 December 1659 HRS - Present: Hey, when are we supposed to capture Osama bin Laden?

Tuesday 23 December 2003

It's not that I don't believe in dualism, it's just that I don't think dualism is the only way of looking at things.

Got the word from my management today that I have to reduce my contractor staff by 10%. So I got my contractors together and told each of them to lose 8 pounds. But jokingly, your humble intel officer's staff and budget have actually been increasing of late, thanks to the many well-functioning and deliciously cynical web-based applications we've built and delivered to various members of the US Intelligence Community (or, as I like to call it, 'USIC' - pronounced 'You sick').

Wednesday 24 December 2003

A government that's big enough to give you everything you want, is a government that's big enough to give you even more.

While driving in to work today, heard on the radio about a recent study that showed males reach their sexual peak at 19. Reflected that I only had sex once when I was 19. Then again, I started in March and didn't stop until the following January.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 25 December 2003

It is said that the nature of the universe is such that, as soon as we understand it, it changes so that we don't.

I say: if that was true, it isn't now.

Got a nice little surprise this Christmas morning. While the kids were opening presents under the tree, some terrorists dropped by our home to wish us a Merry Christmas. They said that, although they technically were still at war with the United States and International Zionism (and therefore reserved the right to attack us later in the day), they wanted to wish my family and I well in this holiday season. I of course said thanks, and wished them the same.

Wouldn't it be great if the holiday spirit could last year round?

Friday 26 December 2003

I don't know if it will have any impact on our national debate on the question of abortion, but I just checked, and it turns out that no one has ever actually had an abortion.

Readers Poll: What date should CIA capture Osama bin Laden? Click HERE to submit your vote!

Incidentally, readers who visit The Covert Comic's store (The Covert Cafe) and order at least one item, will have their vote receive special consideration. And of course, all proceeds go to US veterans (the really cool ones) and their families.

Saturday 27 December 2003

I read an article about the problems of Bulimia in Eastern Europe. Man, those Bulimians have it tough.

Checked out some links to The Covert Comic web site this weekend. Critics are starting to mention me in the same breath as Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut. They're saying things like, 'Hunter S. Thompson and Kurt Vonnegut are great, but this Covert Comic guy totally sucks.'

Sunday 28 December 2003

A majority of New York Times bestsellers are about women with cancer.

A majority of my jokes are about women with cancer.

... So what am I doing wrong?

A cataleptic is a person who can be made to fall asleep merely by hearing a funny joke. I assume, if you're a doctor and a cataleptic patient is describing an episode they had recently, you shouldn't ask them what the joke was.

And yes, I know the above joke isn't all that funny. But then, my web site has long been recognized for being cataleptic friendly.

Speaking of losing consciousness, think I'll turn in early so I can rise and creep stealthily into the office before dawn tomorrow, and play Go West by the Pet Shop Boys (at full volume of course) on my computer. By the way, according to rumors around the USIC, Mohammed Atta, the mastermind of the WTC hijackings, may have been Gay. If so, maybe he should have listened to the Pet Shop Boys. Then again, maybe the problem was that he did listen to the Pet Shop Boys. In any case, it's all good. Because it's all part of ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 29 December 2003

Manic depressives are generally divided into two groups: those who are mostly just feeling kind of depressed, and those who are mostly just feeling kind of manic.

It's finally not on! That's right people, your humble intel officer is now officially not flying out TDY to Baghdad next week! I won't be there for approximately eight days, providing tutorials and other info on a couple of web-based WMD detection/analysis applications, the development of which I didn't manage last year.

I can't wait not to go.

When I don't go TDY to Iraq next week, I'm making sure to not take plenty of burgundy, 100-proof peppermint schnapps, and Diet Coca-Cola for mixing my famed Calimocho Cia drink (reportedly a favorite among Coalition forces). ... You know, on the off chance that one or more of these crucial ingredients might be difficult to obtain over in the 51st state (though reliable sources with excellent access assure that one can obtain anything there, even with Saddam gone.)

Tuesday 30 December 2003

In our society, a man with multiple sex partners is called a 'stud,' while a woman with multiple sex partners is called a 'slut.' One possible solution to this inequity: replace the 'd' in 'stud' with an 'l,' then reverse the 'l' and 't' in 'slut.' That way, men and women with multiple sex partners would both be called 'stul,' and everything would be OK.

Nothing much going on at the office; almost everyone is on vacation. Led some testing on a data script, and spent the rest of the time surfing the Net. While doing so, read in Newsweek about some comedy series on HBO called 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' Apparently, if you have $242 million dollars like the guy on the show (I'm talking about in real life - not on the show), you can have your own HBO comedy series, and Newsweek will even write great things about it. Who would've thought!

Here's what one of the 'producers' had to say about the star he 'produces' (and who just happens to be his employer):

"I remember the day we were deciding the name of the show. We were ordering food and someone said, 'Larry [the owner of the show, you know, the guy with $242 million], do you want any soup?' And Larry said, 'No, no, soup's too distracting.' I thought that's what we should call the show: 'Soup's Too Distracting.' It was the funniest thing I'd ever heard. You're not gonna order soup because it's too distracting? Who's had this problem? But that's Larry."

Yeah, that's Larry.

And that's $242 million.

Wednesday 31 December 2003

Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable. And vice versa.

Driving in to work this morning, heard the following quote by Elbert Hubbard on the radio: 'One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.'

Recalled my wife making a very similar comment when we visited an adult products store last year.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 1 January 2004

Happy New Year! Insha' Allah, may there be another!

Either international terrorists poisoned the burgundy, schnapps and/or Diet Coke I use to mix my Calimocho Cia drinks, causing me to become violently ill on this New Year's holiday, or I just drank too many Calimocho Cias.

How to find out? Maybe I'll have one more and see what happens.

UPDATE: My analysis is leaning strongly toward international terrorism.

Friday 2 January 2003

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Except, apparently, knowing this fact.

While surfing the Net in the relative calm of the office this afternoon (lots of folks still on vacation), read the following quote in a Washington Post editorial: 'It's not too late to heed the many words of warning about the US invasion of Iraq.'

As a fully cleared official of the United States Intelligence Community (USIC for short), I think the Post may be on to something here. My recommendation: Pull out US forces from Iraq, restore Saddam Hussein to power, rebuild all those Russian tanks and planes we blew up. And oh yeah, maybe give the Iraqis some weapons of mass destruction, you know, just in case they really destroyed the ones they had before.

Saturday 3 January 2004

It's true that five hundred years ago large women were considered beautiful. Then again, ten thousand years ago women were considered beautiful if they were completely covered with hair and had a major overbite. You know, kind of like today.

Read in this weekend's Washington Post that there's now nearly one gun for every American.

My God, what's next people, one gun for every American?!

Sunday 4 January 2004

What will the world say when Jesus returns? I know what I'll say: 'WOOHOOOO!'

Saw some footage on TV of Iraqi kids in Tikrit chanting, 'With our souls and our blood we sacrifice ourselves for you, oh Saddam!'

Jeez, how come hardly anybody ever chants anything like that for me?

Well, maybe they will next week, when your humble spook officially doesn't touch down at the international airport in Baghdad, bringin' the booze! In the meantime I'd better turn in early and get plenty of rest. I need to rise before dawn tomorrow so I can cruise into the office in utter darkness, play Life Is Life by Laibach at ear splitting levels on my computer, and go about planning next week's thrilling, no doubt even somewhat bulbous, episode in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 5 January 2004

Actually, the real test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in one's mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to read an instruction manual.

... You know, kind of like what I'm doing right now (i.e., not going TDY to Baghdad, and not not going TDY to Baghdad, and also reading these instructions on getting immunizations at CIA's Office of Medical Services).

Seeing as how CIA regulations (and coincidentally, fundamental laws of physics) prevent me from describing in any sort of substantive detail what I won't be doing for the next several days, I've decided to devote this week's journal entry to observations on various topics, such as life, love, and not going TDY to Baghdad, Iraq.

Tuesday 6 January 2004

It's a good thing famed populist lawyer Gerry Spence has long hair and wears a Daniel Boone frontier jacket, otherwise I might think he was an idiot.

Today I didn't go to Office of Medical Services to get a physical exam, shots, and my butt probed (question: was the butt probe really vital to our National Security? Who am I kidding?! Everyone knows that a butt probe, and our National Security, are one and the same thing).

Wednesday 7 January 2004

Why does a woman want a man who's 'not afraid to cry?' Probably so she can know for sure that the torture is working.

While not driving over to State Department to pick up my passport this morning, heard someone on the local left-wing radio station referring to the famous quote: Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

At first I thought they were saying, 'Workers of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your change!'

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 8 January 2004

In the land of the blonde, the man with one brain hemisphere is king.

Clearly, the forces of international terror have managed to infiltrate agents into CIA Central Travel, and are actively conspiring to sabotage your humble intelligence officer's non-TDY to Baghdad. Without going into specifics, let's just say that I managed to resolve the situation through the application of mild, thoroughly legal and morally defensible, deception rather than devastating force. It's OK folks, it's for America.

Friday 9 January 2004

Better to be called 'eye-candy' than 'eye-vegetable.'

Sitting in an airport terminal, reading the Washington Post while not traveling TDY to Baghdad, saw the following headline:

Impatient Iraqis Throw Stones At British

Hey, at least the patient Iraqis didn't throw stones.

Not to adopt a contrary tone toward the teachings of our late beloved President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, but after I get back home from this TDY, I'm definitely gonna be asking what my country can do for me.

Saturday 10 January 2004

You're not really jacking off to pictures you view on the Internet, you're really jacking off to the Internet itself.

Remember the feeling of panic you had as a child when you couldn't find your house? And remember the feeling you had when you finally found your house, and you were safe inside with your family? Remember how much scarier that feeling was?

Sunday 11 January 2004

There's no rest for the wicked. Which really sucks if you happen to be wicked.

Even if I knew the location of this room I just checked into, I wouldn't be permitted to disclose it. Man, every cell in my body is tired at this moment (except for a couple of cells near my left shoulder, which actually feel pretty good, but that's beside the point, really). In any case, I think I'll turn in right now, this very minute, because trust me people, I am smack in the middle of ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 12 January 2004

Iraq TDY Day One: Wouldn't you know it - I show up in Baghdad and they start killing liquor store owners. Is there a message here? Probably it's: 'I should have brought a lot more liquor.' Talk about a missed business opportunity.

Although the subject matter isn't (for the most part) classified, I can't go into detail regarding my work here in the 51st state. So instead I'll stick with what really matters in life, namely, jokes about covert intelligence. You're welcome, America.

Tuesday 13 January 2004

I think it's important that the American people understand this war in Iraq is not about oil. It's about the money you get from selling oil. I'm confident that once they know the truth, the American people will say, 'Wait, this war is about money? Well why the heck didn't you say so?!'

More briefings. Tried a Saddam Burger today. Actually, it was Kabab Iroog, but it kind of looked like a hamburger. It was tasty. I almost relented to having beer with it, but in the end decided to maintain my standards (your humble intelligence officer prefers wine and/or liquor if at all possible - not because I'm a snob, you understand, but because beer makes me fat quickly, plus I get no buzz from it, so what the hell is the point?).

Probably the biggest news about Iraq for moi: most Iraqis are taking this whole Operation Iraqi Freedom thing pretty much in stride. For example, they joke about the fact that, post-Saddam, a lot of infrastructural services (e.g. water, electricity, etc.), when available, are free ... not because Saddam Hussein is gone, but because half a year into Coalition rule nobody has figured out a way to consistently bill people for utilities.

Talk about your War On Terror. Looks like a lot of Iraqis won their war a long, long time ago.

Wednesday 14 January 2004

Watched various American TV sitcoms at a US Compound lounge this evening. God, these shows suck.

Also, thought about terrorism. A lot.

Thursday 15 January 2004

You want to know about terrorism? I'll tell you about terrorism. Terrorism is when you go to your room at a US compound in Baghdad at lunchtime, put the booze you just bought in the ice box, then later that evening after work, with the air conditioning and the radio and the lights in your room all functioning fine, go to get your booze from the ice box, and it's warm because the ice box stopped working.

Damn you, Al Qaeda!

Friday 16 January 2004

A lot of people would have said I was crazy for taking in the dirty, grimy Iraqi street kid who was waving a knife at me. I know I would have said this, which is why I threw a bunch of coins at him and ran away.

Gave more briefings this morning and afternoon. Talked to my beautiful wife on the phone (of course I've done this every day since I left TDY). Just for kicks, I told her I was getting lots of hot dates here in Baghdad. My idea was to make a pun about Iraq's leading cash crop. Problem: my beautiful wife is from Russia.

Language difficulties. ... And now, marital difficulties.

Not a problem, I'll smooth everything over when I get back home.

Sa-DAMN, this Iraqi hooch is awful! I most definitely intend to go back to Firewater© (100 proof peppermint schnapps) to mix my Calimocho Cia drinks. First thing tomorrow, Sa-damn it!

Saturday 17 January 2004

You know what would be funny? If we actually fought a war for oil. Not for the money we get from selling oil. Not for the economic benefits provided by oil. But just for the oil itself, just because we really like having that oil.

Following a briefing I gave today, got invited to put down a few beers with some Special Ops guys. As you know, I'm not really into beer, but the main reason I respectfully declined the invitation was that I was just too tired. And no, it's not about jet lag, or the non-stop work schedule, or even the constant threat of violent death. It's about the fact that I usually don't drink every day (or even most days), but this week I've made an exception, and it's finally starting to catch up with your humble intelligence officer. I'm going to bed now and, if at all possible, sleep for about a year.

UPDATE: Just as I was turning in, my beautiful wife called. Seems she checked the dictionary and finally figured out the 'date' joke. Everything's fine (not that there was ever really a problem, of course). Said goodnight to my lovely Slavic firefly, and am heading to bed this very minute.

By the way, the Iraqi dish Tepsi Baytinijan (that's what the menu said) isn't bad, as eggplant and beef go, especially when the restaurant owner turns off the Britney Spears CD and puts the Arab music back on. (And provided you have antacid. Lots of antacid. Praise be to Allah.)

Sunday 18 January 2004

Near Baghdad, Iraq today, I met a Covert Comic fan! A member of the US Armed Forces who told me I definitely am not permitted to mention anything whatsoever about him or the organization for which he works. It was cool though, because at the request of his friend (an international consultant spook type and avid Covert Comic reader), I had sent this guy a coffee mug several months back. Guess he has good intelligence sources, because after my briefing Friday (I didn't know the guy by name, or even that he was stationed here in the 51st state) he came up and quietly asked if I was 'able to confirm or deny' that I was America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer. Naturally I replied that I could both confirm and deny this ... and with that we hit it off, resolving to meet at my hotel this afternoon. He says his favorite Covert Comic work, by far, is My Resume Or Everything I Know About The CIA And Elvis. I wrote this document long, long ago, and it's rather 'young' in my opinion, but I told him I was grateful he liked it.

And no, the guy is definitely not a teetotaler, which is a major reason your humble intel officer must now break off this narrative at 2:09 a.m., less than four hours before I'm scheduled to awaken and (hopefully without bloodshot eyes and a pounding headache) resume once again ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 19 January 2004

The universe will reward you for taking risks on its behalf. - Shakti Gawain

Back home in Northern Virginiastan, from the TDY I didn't take to Baghdad.

Ah, Fairfax, Virginia - the universe's reward for my having taken risks on behalf of all creation.

I can officially report that my TDY didn't suck (i.e., booze was available). And I can officially report that, the last day I wasn't there, an American soldier up in the Sunni Triangle portion of our 51st state reportedly was killed by an improvised explosive device. Let's see, that's over 1 Americans killed the past week in Iraq by improvised explosive devices. About the same number as get murdered in any of the original 50 states during the same period (by improvised explosive devices). So really, by all commonly accepted standards of law, order and social peace, Operation Iraqi Freedom has to be considered a major success.

Got a hero's welcome at the office on my return to work this morning. Then again, I work with a bunch of software developers and systems analysts, many of whom are contractors whose monthly invoices I sign ... so what do you expect?

Tuesday 20 January 2004

When you don't remember what it is, that's a sure sign you need a cup of coffee.

So, you know I'm not a senior project manager who, among other things, leads WMD-related research at the US Central Intelligence Agency. Which means you know I couldn't possibly have inside access to the forthcoming report to Congress concerning Iraqi Weapons O' Mass D. Basically, I predict the report is going to say that Iraq 'kind of sort of' did and/or didn't have WMD. And we're all going to dutifully criticize the President, and then dutifully congratulate ourselves for doing so, and then dutifully reelect the President (or its clone) this November (maybe December).

And if you're still waiting for the punch line, then you're definitely not cleared yet, my buddy.

Wednesday 21 January 2004

Driving in to work this morning, heard a quote on the radio by Eric Hoffer: You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.

Reflected that this may explain why people in the Middle East threaten America with weapons of mass destruction, and we Americans threaten people in the Middle East with freedom and democracy.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 22 January 2004

Scored a major triumph against international terrorism early this morning. My team had been attempting since last week, without success, to get Agency IT to implement a simple cache refresh for a web-based application we manage, in order to update some important data for one of our US Intelligence Community (USIC) clients. While I can't go into details, it's well known that Al Qaeda operatives have infiltrated elements of IT at Langley, as can easily be seen by their ongoing sabotage of networks, needless bureaucratic delays, and (in my case) their outright refusal to support timely production updates.

So what did your humble intel officer do in the face of this brazen assault on America's National Security? I had one of our developers write a code change to the application in question, which change we implemented (snuck in, to be perfectly honest) as part of a previously scheduled launch this morning, early a.m. The upshot is that this code change enables us to perform cache refreshes in production by ourselves, any time we want, thereby allowing my team to completely circumvent those Al Qaeda terrorists in IT. As a result of our brilliant maneuver, this afternoon we launched our client's update in production, right in the middle of the day, without having to submit a formal request ... in fact, IT never even knew about it! Needless to say, our CIA customers are ecstatic, and are now requesting all sorts of new production changes (although admittedly this could get to be a headache, and we may need to put some controls in place to keep the situation from getting out of hand. Nothing bureaucratic, you understand, just rationalizing production processes and minimizing technical risk).

In any case, chalk up a major victory in My War On Terror!

Friday 23 January 2004

If we do find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, can the new Iraqi government keep them, you know, in case they need them later?

Didn't receive an e-mail from CIA Counterintelligence today. The e-mail doesn't request that I perform several excruciatingly pointless bureaucratic exercises in order not to be refused official permission to go TDY last week.

I am not lying, people.

Well, good thing I officially didn't go TDY last week!

What can I say? What I always say, I guess: 'Military intelligence' may be a contradiction in terms, but 'CIA counterintelligence' isn't.

Saturday 24 January 2004

They say analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog.

So that's why analyzing humor is so darn funny!

Sat at home with the kids today, while the wife continued her upstairs remodeling of our daughters' bedroom (this beloved project of my wife's was only slightly interrupted by your humble intelligence officer's return from TDY, I'm genuinely pleased to inform).

The 9/11 Principle: Any famous quote about religion, science, truth, art or commerce will have at least as appropriate a meaning if you replace the keyword in question with the term '9/11.'

Sunday 25 January 2004

I've never really liked church. But it's OK, church doesn't really like me either.

Just crawled into the bedroom at eight-thirty at night, totally exhausted. Must ... get ... to office ... early tomorrow ... to play Cardigans song You're The Storm.

At four a.m. in my cubicle. At full volume, of course.

Is it jet lag from last week's TDY-that-never-happened which has me feeling so weary, or is it merely the realization that, having frittered away an entire week on relatively trivial matters (e.g. attempting to help bring peace to the Middle East), I've squandered valuable time, and therefore need to renew, as soon as humanly possible ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 26 January 2004

Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out? ... Oh wait, it just did!

Nooooo! Got into the office this morning and was told I might be asked to go TDY ... to Iraq again!!!

Apparently some US/Coalition elements there heard about a couple of the web apps I briefed three weeks ago when I wasn't in Baghdad, and now they want me to not come and not give them a briefing too. Allah forbid!

Please, God. Even a trip to NSA Headquarters is preferable to that.

Tuesday 27 January 2004

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a woman who had no breasts. Hey, she can always get fake breasts, but I can't very well get fake shoes, now can I?

My boss is starting to get aggravated because a customer office at CIA Security is at least four months late with promised funding for an application my team is developing for them. Not that getting money is formally my responsibility, but this morning my boss asked me for a status. I told him the folks at CIA Security were working on it, and that they'll get us the funding as soon as sub-humanly possible.

Wednesday 28 January 2004

Driving in to work this morning, had the following brief insight while listening to Washington DC news talk radio:

Today all talk sound bites. No like.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 29 January 2004

This morning I awoke to find that my web site had been removed from the Internet by terrorists, ostensibly due to 'non-payment of web hosting fee' (clearly, Al-Qaeda or some other terrorist agents have managed to access and manipulate the account information in my Internet provider's database). I was easily able to thwart this terrorist operation simply by paying the bill, plus a small late charge.

Friday 30 January 2004

I cried because I had lame security clearances. Then I met a man from the Defense Intelligence Agency.

During a team building exercise at work today, I stood up and said, "People here need to learn to be more appreciative of everyone. Especially our management.

... That is to say, people here need to learn to be more appreciative of our management. I just wanted to clarify that for the record."

Also, thought about being more appreciative of terrorism.

Saturday 31 January 2004

There's a tendency to believe that the ancients were more rigorous in their thinking than we are today. And something tells me this is probably true.

Sat at home with the kids, while the wife finally finished our daughter's long anticipated bedroom remodeling. A total success! Jungle motif on the wall paper, and the girls hung stuffed toy jungle animals (e.g., monkeys) from their new loft. As I looked down on the jungle seen from my daughters' new sleeping place, I remarked that the experience reminded me of hanging out of a plane as it flew over a sub-tropical jungle in 1986. At which point my daughters, and former Sovietskaya Komsomolka wife, asked me what I was talking about. Still observing operational security eighteen years after the fact, I replied, '... Hey! Look at the monkey!'

Sunday 1 February 2004

If you really want to understand what's going on in the world, read the editorial page once when you're 10 years old. Then read it again once when you're 40. That's what's going on in the world.

Hung out at home and watched my intelligence prediction - that there would in fact be a Super Bowl - come totally and gloriously true.

Sorry about Janet Jackson's right boob flopping out, America. Hey, even the CIA can't control everything (not that I wouldn't like to, if you know what I'm subtly implying here).

Speaking of boobs flopping out, read an article in the weekend Washington Post about Gay marriage. As a Catholic, I can forgive Gay marriage, but I positively cannot condone Gay divorce. And under no circumstances are Gay married couples to be permitted to use contraceptives.

Speaking of never using contraceptives, think I'll turn in early. Ever heard of a Swedish rock band called Isolation Years? Check out their song It's Golden (I know I'll be playing it tomorrow morning at about 4:15 a.m. in my cubicle at CIA Headquarters - at soul-splitting volume, naturally). The song reminds me of going to a CT party, drinking a Calimocho Cia or three, sharing war stories, reminiscing about lost spook buddies, and in general celebrating the total craziness that is somehow wonderfully all at once life itself and ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 2 February 2004

After much prodding from the White House, I've finally decided to ask the White House to stop prodding me.

Saw some file footage on CNN this morning of Saddam Hussein in a meeting with his generals. For a brief instant I thought, 'My God. We put Saddam back in power!'

It did get me to thinking, though. I mean, we have Saddam. We have his generals, ready to return to work the moment we give the order. We have his oil. We have our troops in his country. Who better to serve as our front man in the New Iraq? Clearly, the French and Russians would love to see Saddam Hussein back in power. And just think of the opportunities for fence-mending with the Arab world and the UN!

Naturally, he would need to be a kinder, gentler Saddam Hussein. In the video clip Saddam was wearing a dark suit and tie, instead of that intimidating military uniform. It was as if you could read his lips: 'Read my lips. No new torture.' The same old torture maybe, but not new torture, that's my point.

I'm telling you, this could work, people.

Tuesday 3 February 2004

If life is a box of chocolates, that probably explains all the farting.

Classified Bumper Sticker of the Week:

Click below to buy this bumper sticker.

Click here not to buy this bumper sticker.

Wednesday 4 February 2004

I was going to join this group called Fathers For Peace. But then I found out about this other group called Fathers For Peace And Justice. So no way I'm joining Fathers For Peace, when I can join Fathers For Peace And Justice.

Driving in to work this morning, had the following thought: Given that the CIA overthrowing foreign governments is so controversial, maybe we should stick to overthrowing governments here at home.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 5 February 2004

Secret 2: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're not paranoid.

Killed a terrorist who was attempting to do something terrifying. I'm not sure who the terrorist was, or what terrifying thing he/she/it/they were attempting to do. But the point is, does it matter?

Friday 6 February 2004

Then again, absence of evidence is absence of evidence.

Met with CIA Counterintelligence (no contradiction in terms there, I'm genuinely sorry to say). The beings from CIA/CI wanted to speak with me (yet again) regarding some of the details regarding the recent TDY I didn't take to Iraq.

No problem, folks. Everything's fine.

Read the following headline at work this afternoon: New Research Offers Clues To The Male Brain

I knew we males had a brain! The next big question: Where is this brain, and how long do I have to wait for my turn to use it?

Saturday 7 February 2004

Secret 1.99999: Collecting intelligence well helps you avoid having to fight wars. And fighting wars well helps you avoid having to collect intelligence.

Like a thief (and/or a CIA clandestine ops officer) in the night, it crept stealthily into me this Sabbath morning, at approximately 4:55:18 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, as I sat hunched in my cubicle in a CIA inbuilding near Tysons Corner mall, working an emergency production launch, and playing the song John 14, 27 on my computer, at a spirited volume:

It is finished.

We'll figure out the various intelligence and comical implications later, but the fact is: I, John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, have faithfully fought, and have now achieved full, definitive and unconditional victory in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 9 February 2004

I could handle the truth, if it wasn't so oily.

Now that your humble intelligence officer has completely defeated terror, the inevitable question arises:

What should The Covert Comic do next?

While at work today, I called my beautiful Russian wife and asked her this question. Her reply, translated into American: Continue defeating terror.

And so that's precisely what I, John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic (America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer), have dutifully resolved to do. You're welcome, universe.

Tuesday 10 February 2004

If you're a vegetarian, should you eat carnivorous plants?

It's possible I'm in some sort of new, esoteric 'trouble' with CIA Counterintelligence (no oxymoron in that term, I'm genuinely sorry to say). Reason: this morning a being from CI asked me to sign a form promising ... never to not publish a web site without CIA approval!

I signed, of course. We'll see.

Wednesday 11 February 2004

Guns don't kill people, if people give me their money.

Driving in to work this morning, had the following sequence of classified thoughts (more or less in the following order):

Doesn't 'Al Qaeda' sound like the name of a convenience store?

'Hey honey, I'll be home in a couple of minutes, I'm just stopping to pick up some bread and milk at the Al Qaeda.'

This may be one reason the White House is so concerned about Osama bin Laden. I mean, with a little savvy marketing, Seven-Eleven could easily find themselves replaced (Allah forbid!) by Nine-Eleven.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 12 February 2004

It's a good thing the local McDonalds has that big 'God Bless America' banner, otherwise I'd probably buy my burgers and fries at the Al Qaeda's across the street.

Cruised around in my car today during lunch break, scouring the parking lot at a nearby shopping mall for terrorists. Couldn't tell if the terrorists were all gone, or if everyone was a terrorist.

Safely back at work following this unnerving experience, had the following thought:

The only thing more terrifying than being attacked by terrorists, is not being attacked by terrorists.

Friday 13 February 2004

A mind is a terrible thing to waste?! I thought getting my mind wasted was the whole point!

This evening after work, got totally smashed with my terrorist brother-in-law ('Nikolai,' a handsome and intelligent blond, very heterosexual, ballet dancer. A handsome heterosexual male dancer - I mean, if that's not terrorism, there's no such thing as Al Qaeda). Watched the Russian action film, Don't Even Think About It. An absolute classic. I think my brother-in-law even knows some of the actors.

For this reason, not surprisingly, I've decided to turn in this very second.

Must ... reach ... toilet ... immediately. And if not the toilet, the bed (which at this point could end up being the same thing).

Can you tell that, having achieved the offensive, I'm earnestly, nay, even urgently, pressing the advantage in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 16 February 2004

Whenever I have 'pigs in blankets,' I always make sure to imagine I'm biting off the pig's head first. Because, to imagine you're eating a pig in a blanket feet first, that would be totally sick.

Whatever.

Tuesday 17 February 2004

Pessimistic historicism: The original wheel was intended to be square.

They installed new automated air fresheners in the restrooms at work recently. Every time a person walks in, the machine spurts out a small dose of scent.

... At least it does this every time I walk into the restroom.

Wednesday 18 February 2004

Before Einstein's theory of relativity, people said: 'It's not all relative.'

Driving in to work today, saw a sign on the back of a truck that (swear to God) said: Toxic Waste - Do Not Eat.

Wouldn't it make more sense for the sign to say: Toxic Waste - Please Eat. After all, if your metabolism is such that you can digest toxic waste, then eating it is beneficial to our ecology. On the other hand, if your metabolism can't digest toxic waste, but you're willing to eat it because a sign tells you to ... well, that's also beneficial to our ecology.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 19 February 2004

All the time we've been polluting the air, the water, and the land, we've really been polluting ourselves. And this is beautiful.

Although it could just be my imagination, it appears international terrorism is actually making my penis smaller.

On the other hand, if my penis gets small enough, maybe I'll be able to have multiple orgasms.

Friday 20 February 2004

My War On Terror - Executive Summary

If you're swimming in a school of whales, always, and I mean always, swim in the front.

Monday 23 February 2004

As a CIA officer, the thought of North Korea possessing nuclear warheads and the missiles to deliver them isn't all that scary to me. But North Korea possessing nuclear warheads and missiles, and North Korean dictator Kim Chong-Il being a zombie or a vampire (or maybe the Wolf Man), now that's scary.

Lying here peacefully in my bed, I can hear the soft breathing of the woman I love.

But then, I was always good at electronics.

Tuesday 24 February 2004

If your kid strikes out in a baseball game, instead of yelling at him, a better thing to do is act like he's not your kid. Then go hug the kid who struck your kid out, and pretend to be his father.

A buddy of mine at HQS just came up with a beautifully simple plan for getting Haitian President Jean-Bertrand Aristide, who currently refuses to resign, out of Haiti: secretly bribe his pilot to fly him to the Central African Republic, or Washington DC. Just think: it could be weeks before Aristide realizes he's not in Port-au-Prince!

Like most of the really good covert ops ideas, this one is almost certainly too cool ever to be approved by Agency management.

Wednesday 25 February 2004

There is a continuous thread of moral purpose running through the history of America. And being a thread, it's a little hard to see at times.

Driving in to work this morning, heard a report on the radio about how, back in the 1980's when the Soviets were illegally purchasing controlled US technology, the CIA secretly sold them software that was programmed to malfunction. Reflected on the fact that, today, the Russians are free to buy Microsoft products without restriction.

... Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 26 February 2004

On the other hand, what about those mornings when it is worth it to gnaw through the leather straps?

Today I, John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, was ordered to go TDY ... to France! (Well, OK, Spain, but same general concept).

How did your humble spook manage to finagle such a plum ops assignment? Well, it helps to have Spanish blood, and be fluent en el idioma. And probably to post intelligence jokes on the Internet, too.

Friday 27 February 2004

Premature ejaculation?! I'll have you know I've been working toward this for weeks!

See if you can spot America's funniest covert intelligence officer in the photo below, successfully evading Spanish security at a major European summit on 'being hip' ... disguised as a ubiquitous Madrid lint mite, and thereby in that very act winning ... My War On Terror!®

Dónde está El Covert Comic?

Sunday 29 February 2004

Have any persons unknown to you handled your national security at any time?

The older I get, the more I doubt that age brings wisdom. So I guess it probably does.

Back home - very, very late - from my TDY to the madreland. Christ, what an odyssey.

Folks, if you think you had a tough time with flight delays and lost luggage this past holiday season, consider the plight of your humble spook. While precise details are classified, let's just say that what started out as a one-day TDY to a harmless little western European country, culminated in a bus ride through Israel with several dozen just-released Palestinian political prisoners (see photo above). Incredibly, it was the only available means of transportation to catch a connecting flight from Tel Aviv, after my original flight from Europe was twice diverted.

I do have to admit that the guys on the bus were a reasonably fun bunch. They sang some pretty cool songs too, especially one with 'Shalom' in the chorus (although it's possible they were saying 'Sharon' - I couldn't tell for sure, since I don't actually speak Arabic). The Israeli soldiers gave each of us bottled water and a small bag of pretzels (better than what we got on the El Al flight, I might add).

All in all, a pretty amazing way to see the Holy Land, I think you'll agree.

Tuesday 2 March 2004

Wait a minute. Isn't the glass half empty and half full?

Back at work, after sleeping for approximately twenty straight hours.

While surfing the Internet this morning in my cubicle before dawn, had the following idea for an MSN.com headline:

What Women Want This Week

Also, thought about terrorism.

Wednesday 3 March 2004

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again.

Attended a UN human rights conference in DC. I won't bore you with the details (you're welcome, America). Suffice to say I found out about the conference this morning from an ops buddy, got my boss's permission to attend, and was on the Metro into Washington from Rosslyn before noon. The conference participants appeared to be mostly youngish, socially conscious students from western Europe. It even looked like one or two of them weren't Gay or Lesbian (or both).

The conference itself I would sincerely characterize as spiritually re-awakening. I went away from that function with the personal resolution that, if I work hard to be a better, more loving and tolerant person, I won't be punished in the afterlife by having to attend a human rights conference with socially conscious western Europeans for the rest of eternity.

Thursday 4 March 2004

Studies show that people who laugh live longer. Which is yet another reason not to laugh.

Was examining some overhead imagery of Mars early this morning, when I noted a suspicious terrorism-shaped object. On closer inspection by a trained imagery analyst friend, it was determined that the object in question was actually Pakistan.

Hey, just helping make sure the Eagle Eye stays sharp.

Friday 5 March 2004

Whenever I get into a personal confrontation with someone, I ask myself the question: 'What would Jesus do?'

Then I remember Mark 7, 33: 'He put His fingers into the man's ears and, spitting, touched his tongue.'

... Works every time.

I'll be in training much of next week (no, not special CIA training in 'how to kill.' Actually, I'm attending a course in network administration ... what's so funny?!).

So if you visit my web site in the next few days, and you don't see a new entry in My War On Terror!®, please don't be concerned. It's only a temporary intermission, America. The good fight continues, and is being won every day, in every country and on every planet and planetoid.

For this is the greatest war, this is the only war. This is ... My War On Terror!®

The Covert Comic.

Be not afraid. Be very not afraid.