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The Naked Intelligence Officer By John Alejandro King A.k.a. The Covert Comic
Introduction
Naked intelligence officer ('nA-k&d in-'te-l&-j&n(t)s 'ä-f&-s&r) 1 : an intelligence officer in a state of undress <'Hey, look at that naked intelligence officer'> 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been compromised 3 : an intelligence officer, disguised as a naked person for operational purposes, but underneath his/her notional skin, actually naked 4 : [Classified] (Synonym: see Secret Zero)
If you like reading about naked intelligence officers, then friend, have you ever come to the right place! The following is a selection of decrypted quotes, declassified quips, and bare-faced truths by ... well, legally I'm not authorized to disclose the name of the author. However, if you've ever seen him without clothes on (his clothes or yours - there's no real difference), you'll immediately recognize the creative source behind this thinly veiled construct known as The Naked Intelligence Officer. ... But let us dispense with this facade, this superficial raiment, this utterly phony strip tease of an 'introduction,' and proceed directly to reveal the facts. For in the end, as in the beginning, we're all cleared intelligence officers, and we're all naked as the day we were born. One last thing: if possible, for maximum benefit please dress in multiple layers of clothing before reading this book. Near Washington DC 12 September 2006
* Francis Bacon: Nakedness is uncomely, as well in mind as body, and it addeth no small reverence to men's manners and actions if they be not altogether open. Therefore set it down: That a habit of secrecy is both politic and moral. The Covert Comic: I have it from a reliable source with excellent access that Francis Bacon was naked when he wrote this.
* Secret 7.142 Never collect intelligence faster than it can be created. Secret 7.143 Always create intelligence faster than it can be collected. - [Context classified]
* Emotional turmoil can be just as traumatic as physical torture. Therefore, if you really want to get at someone, when you're physically torturing them, try to make them feel emotional turmoil too. - During an 'interview' with CIA Security
* The ultimate cloaking device is to be naked. Period. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* A government that's big enough to give you everything you want, is a government that's big enough to give you even more. - While undressing for his Agency physical
* Nature conspires to keep some truths secret. For example, if you lay a bathroom scale upside down on the floor, it'll tell how much the Earth weighs. But since it's upside down, you can't read the number. - [Context classified]
* "If you came here for fun and games, you're in the wrong line of work," the old case officer growled, staring at the young CIA recruits sternly. "No fun and games?" I thought to myself, "Damn." - To young CIA recruits, sternly
* To dream of being Superman is only crazy if you're Superman. - To Superman
* Albert Einstein said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Well, here's one mediocre mind that thinks we ought to give Einstein's ideas a fair hearing. - Right before getting beat up
* It's well documented that CIA employees have a remarkably low divorce rate. I suspect the reason for this is that CIA employees regularly apply three key principles of CIA tradecraft to married life: 1. Observe carefully. 2. Think before speaking. 3. Always check for hidden microphones. - In Vienna, Virginia or Vienna, Austria (or both)
* The biggest problem with being immortal is figuring out when you're wasting time. - In Brest
* Otto Von Bismarck: I have seen three emperors in their nakedness, and the sight was not inspiring. The Covert Comic: I have seen four female CIA officers in their nakedness, and the sight was extremely inspiring.
* I really am a fun guy, it's just that in my case it's one word, and it's spelled a little differently. - At a CIA Singles function, back in the day
* When historians note that Hitler originally studied to be an artist, but that his paintings were mediocre, I get a little uneasy. I mean, what if someday there was another mediocre artist somewhere ... maybe even right here in the USA? - Right here in the USA
* Better over the top, than under the bottom. - Somewhere over the bottom
* When I awoke and spied the pool of dried, crusty fluid on the bed sheet, my first thought was: "Oh God, please don't let that be urine." Reflecting on the alternatives, however, I quickly changed my thought to: "Oh God, please let that be urine." - In Abidjan, or Washington DC (or both)
* Instead of going to a psychologist and paying all that money, why not simply purchase a textbook on psychology, learn what your problems are, then follow the instructions in the textbook and resolve all your issues by yourself! - In Vienna, Virginia (definitely)
* Any time the Government officially denies knowledge, it's speaking the truth. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
Naked people always stand out in a crowd.
* Mark Twain: Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. The Covert Comic: With the minor exception of creating it.
* How do you tell a man he's about to die? The way I usually do it is to say: 'Yr'aboutadi,' really fast. Then, while he's trying to figure out what I just said, I leave the room as quickly as possible. - To someone who was about to come to life
* There's only one surveillance satellite, and seeing through people's clothes is its only function. - At a State Department briefing
* It's amazing the number of people who are intimidated by the simple act of sincerely professing the truth. ... I mean, I would have thought there would have been at least one. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* My advice to all aspiring CIA officers: spend a few years working as a standup comedian. My advice to all aspiring standup comedians: spend a few years working as a CIA officer. - While giving a briefing to a mostly clothed audience in the 'Bubble'
* You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war. But you can only simultaneously prevent and prepare for being naked. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* G. W. Young: Though in silence, with blighted affection, I pine, yet the lips that touch liquor must never touch mine! The Covert Comic: What if I drink through a straw?
* Always remember: others may hate you, but as long as you don't hate yourself, you're not being a very cooperative person. - [Context classified]
* Iowa? Whyowa? - On being informed he was to be sent TDY to Iowa City to attend a conference on telcom
* Remember, half the time manic depressives feel better than you and I could ever imagine. - Stopping by NIMA on a Monday morning at 0358
* CIA Counterintelligence: It's not just a job, it's also not an adventure! - [Context counterintelligent]
* Here at Langley we joke about the Defense Intelligence Agency. But if it weren't for the DIA, a lot of those people would probably be working here at Langley. - Not joking at Langley
* When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me an idiot (because I just gave food to the poor ... sorry, my bad!). - Saint Food
* At that moment, I understood my choice: take the last bus into Freetown, or die. ... What's more, I had only 27 hours - 29 at the most - to make my decision. - Hung over and totally naked somewhere outside Freetown
* Meat is not murder. Meet is murder. - To a friend at a CIA Singles function, back in the day
* There, that is our secret: go to sleep! You will wake, and remember, and understand. I love to quote this saying by Elizabeth Barrett Browning right before giving an intelligence briefing to an audience that just ate lunch. - Right before giving an intelligence briefing to an audience that had just eaten lunch
* It's taken a while, but I definitely think a white guy could now beat Muhammad Ali. - Near a democratic republic of Congo
* Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said 80% of Republicans are just Democrats who don't know what's going on. To complete the thought he should have added: 'And vice versa.' - While planning a coup in Kuwait
* Why not have the rodeo clowns ride the bulls? After all, they know the bulls better, plus the bulls think they're funny. - Extremely near the White House Situation Room
* Never argue with God. He'll only drag you down to His level. - Arguing with God
* I know why the stuffed bird doesn't sing. - At DIA Headquarters
Typical CIA briefing
* Clothes make the man ... naked. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* Will Rogers: I don't make jokes, I just watch the government and report the facts. The Covert Comic: I don't just watch the facts and report jokes, I make governments.
* You say 'naked intelligence briefing' like there's some other kind. - [Context classified]
* The true Jihadist must practice total Holy War - Jihad in every aspect of life. Thus the authentic Mujahideen are called upon by God to open sealed infidel products without purchasing them, step on infidel kittens, and publicly cheer for unpopular infidel wrestlers. - From 'Jihad To Be There: An Operations Manual for the Fun Loving Martyr'
* There's many a mistake that's made on purpose. And many a purpose that's made on mistake. - While making a major, major mistake
* I don't tell you how to run your country. Don't tell me how to run you. - To a naked agent
* A day without booze is like ... well, actually I have no idea what it's like. - At a bar somewhere outside MacLean
* One of the most ridiculous things I ever did was convey to a stranger on the D.C. Metro that I was deaf. He actually believed me, and proceeded to demonstrate copious amounts of sympathy, encouragement, and social consciousness. Normally I don't advocate such flagrant lying; but on the other hand, it was an enlightening and highly enriching experience, apparently for both of us. - Gesturing in sign language to a major babe on the 'Stockholms Tunnelbana,' if you know what I'm saying here
* Unidentified audience member at a CIA briefing, reacting to a poorly received 9/11 joke (only days after 9/11): It's too early! The Covert Comic: Believe me, my friend, it's far too late.
* To be overdressed, is this not to be naked? And to be naked, is this not to be terribly overdressed? - At CIA Headquarters (on 'Extremely Casual Day')
* Actually, a witty saying proves just about everything. - Proving Voltaire
* According to Yemeni law, to vote in an election you must: a) be an adult male of good moral character, and b) check in all personal weapons prior to entering the voting booth. Isn't this law kind of redundant? I mean, if you're an adult male of good moral character, doesn't it naturally follow that you would check in your personal weapons prior to entering a voting booth? - While checking in his personal weapons, prior to entering a voting booth in California
* If you're fighting your evil twin, be sure not to bite, pull its hair, or deliver a groin shot, because if you do any of these things, you'll become your evil twin. - Not to his evil twin, that's for sure
* All pornography is child pornography, if you live long enough. - Jeremiah 1:5-6
* The journey of a thousand millimeters ends with a single step. - After nearly leaving his cubicle
* I think it's important that you know I don't care deeply about the concerns of your people. ... Oh. Wait. [Pausing and holding a ball point pen to his ear] I think it's important that you know I care deeply about the concerns of your people. - While dining with a Third World Indigenous Person at the local Third World Indigenous Sheraton
* If global warming was outlawed, only outlaws would warm their globes. - Near some really warm globes
* It is said: 'Never pick up a heavy box, unless you know where you're going to put it down.' To which I might add: Never know where you're going to put down a heavy box. - Original CIA Headquarters building, far beneath Ground Floor
* OK, that was fun. Now let me try to convert you to my religion. - In Lafghanistan
* I'd rather do what's right, than lick what's right. - While spanking what's right
* It may be true that one is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious, but I'm still glad I hate this fact. - Hanging out naked with François-René de Chateaubriand
* Arnot L. Sheppard Jr.: Isn't it surprising how many things, if not said immediately, seem not worth saying ten minutes from now? The Covert Comic: Ask me again in ten minutes.
* 'Ideals.' Put a space between the 'I' and the 'd,' and you summarize my life. - [Context unclassified]
* Why do therapists take notes when they talk with patients? Shouldn't the patient be the one taking notes? 'Stop blaming everything on my mother, that's what you said? OK doc, got it.' 'Sorry doctor, but was that 'only masturbate ten times a week,' or 'ten times a day?' - To a therapient
* As bad as it is to lose one's data, is the alternative not much, much worse? - While bending over and losing some serious data into a toilet in Baghdad
* The problem with loving your enemies, is that your enemies may love you back. - To a lover
* Be careful what you get, you may wish for it. - [Context classified]
* The man at the top of the mountain did not fall there? Then why is he upside down? - Somewhere way over the top
Even more typical CIA briefing
* Maybe laughter is a desperate attempt to stop breathing. - While trying to catch his breath
* If you're not a member of the Coalition of the Willing, but you're willing to be, aren't you already? - The Fully Clothed Intelligence Officer
* There's a famous saying: 'If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldn't work for 14 minutes every day.' I did the calculation, and it's actually 14 minutes and 24 seconds. Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough. - While giving a briefing at Strategic Air Command
* To fully explain the following concept, I'll need a laptop, a projector, and a greased weasel. - [Context classified]
* A picture is worth a thousand words. But a keyword is worth several thousand pictures. For example, the keyword: 'naked.' - (Not pornography)
* 'Iditarod' is how a person pronounces the word 'idiot' when their lips are frozen. - [Context cold]
* One day it hit me: If I want good intelligence sources, why not just recruit other CIA officers! - Whispered to a fellow spook, after receiving a major intelligence award while only partially dressed
* If I'm reincarnated as a male ladybug, I think I'll just go ahead and fly straight into a spider's web the very first day. - While attending a briefing with some DI analysts
* Ayn Rand wrote: 'To discuss evil in a manner implying neutrality, is to sanction it.' Although I notice she never actually comes right out and says that this is wrong. - While implying neutrality toward Ayn Rand
* Laziness doesn't run in our family. It just kind of sits there. - While sitting around at the speed of light
* One way to make sure you're not a self-absorbed person is to take an active interest in the lives of other people. For example, by constantly accusing them of being self-absorbed. - Near Oslo, listening to the song 'Erotic City' by the artist formerly known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince
* Tom Stoppard: It's better to be quotable than to be honest. The Covert Comic: It's better to be quotable than to be. Honest.
* Molly Haskell said: "For a woman, there's nothing more erotic than being understood." ... I wonder what the hell she was talking about. - To a case officeress
* When the Big Crunch begins and space-time starts flowing backward, you'll make excuses. Then you'll feel terrible. Then you'll feel happy. Then you'll drink a bunch of hundred proof vodka. Then you'll make excuses. So that's one thing about the universe that won't change when the Big Crunch begins. - Making no excuses at a bar in MacLean
* Secret 12.12. Never schedule a briefing if you'll be the most interesting person there. Covert Corollary. If you won't be the most interesting person there, I guess it's no surprise that you scheduled this briefing.
* B.B. King: If a woman I've been with says the child is mine, I don't argue. The Covert Comic: If I don't argue, a woman I've been with says the child is mine.
* Actually, I do have all day to sit around waiting for your requirements. In fact, I've got a lifetime. - To a customer who had called him up to say: "I know you don't have all day to sit around waiting for us to send you our requirements."
* In Halloween stores they sell 'naked' costumes. What more do you need to know? - At CIA Counterintelligence (no contradiction in terms there, I'm genuinely sorry to say)
* There's so much more about me I'd like to tell you, if only there was time (and also if there was more about me). - To a semi-clothed pen pal
* FBI interrorgator: God, you're a lousy liar. The Covert Comic: Don't you ever say that to God!
* Freedom isn't free. But thank God, liberty is still libertine. - While on libertine leave
* Good intelligence reporting is like a good joke: to truly appreciate it, you probably had to be there. ... You probably had to be there. - You probably had to be there
* Back when everything was secret, everybody knew what was happening. Now that everything's unclassified, nobody has any idea what's going on. - [Context naked]
CIA strip tease (semi-classified version)
* Only a naked spy can truly come in from the cold. - The shivering intelligence officer
* It's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in the past, and started blaming them on people in the future. After all, people in the future have time travel - why aren't they coming back to help us?! - Right now
* All peoples are indigenous peoples, but some indigenous peoples are more indigenous than other indigenous peoples. - To some indigenous peoples
* The Covert Comic: Here's a picture I took of the zoo. The Covert Comic's brother: That's a picture of a guy getting bayoneted! The Covert Comic: Right. He was bayoneted at the zoo.
* Truth may be the first casualty of war, but humor never seems to suffer so much as a flesh wound. - Sharing a joke with a casualty of comedy
* Every time I read the quote, 'Knowing is half the battle,' I get the feeling they only published half the quote. - Half the quote (the other half is Classified)
* I'm convinced my deceased Spanish Catholic grandmother watches me disapprovingly from heaven every time I masturbate. I imagine her saying: 'You call that masturbating?! When I was your age - hell, when I was TWICE your age - I could masturbate a hundred times better than that!' - The Naked Catholic Intelligence Officer
* The friend of my friend is my enemy. - To a frenemy
* Female reader: Someday you'll get your comeuppance. The Covert Comic: If you help me get my uppance, I can come today!
* What is Secret Zero? What's that joke you're not ready to laugh at yet? - The Naked Intelligence Officer, standing in front of a mirror
* Remember in the film Marathon Man, when the old Nazi war criminal went to the jewelry district in New York hoping to sell a bunch of stolen diamonds, and instead got recognized by several of his former death camp victims, and he had to kill several people to create a diversion in order to escape? As an IT manager, my job is like that pretty much every day. - Creating a diversion at 2100, in order to go home
* The road to hell is paved. What more do you need to know? - With good intentions
* Benjamin Whorf said: 'Language is not simply a reporting device for experience, but a defining framework for it.' I say: If you've got a name like 'Benjamin Whorf,' aren't you just about the last person in the universe who would want to believe this? - While infiltrating Noam Chomsky
* Behind every great man is a woman. Quick! Look behind you - is there a woman standing there? No? Sorry, pal. - On a street corner in Washington, DC (where reportedly there are 10 women for every 7 men)
* Henry Miller: We do not talk - we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests. The Covert Comic: You do? Wow, you people suck!
* I bet when future generations study the beliefs and customs of our era, they'll shake their collective head in disbelief. ... Just that one gigantic, collective head. - In the future
* Sally had stayed up all night writing her National Intelligence Estimate on North Korean biological weapons. The week before, she had written a National Intelligence Estimate on the same topic, but with exactly the opposite conclusions. Sally was determined - no matter what those White House people ultimately decided the truth was going to be - dammit, this year she was going to take her vacation. - The Naked Intelligence Officeress
* To ride a tiger is easy if you're a flea. - While being ridden by a tiger and a flea
* Sometimes, the best intelligence you can gather is that there's no intelligence to gather. - Somewhere near the Great Attractor
* 'H. L. Mencken.' To me this always sounded like the name of a department store. - While shopping at H. L. Mencken
* While I was sad to see Elton John in agony, I kept thinking that it was better than seeing him in ecstasy. - While spying on the funeral of Lady DIA
* I dislike platitudes, and most other species of Australian wildlife. - To some Australian wildlife
* To be in love with someone you've never met is ridiculous, but it's the least ridiculous way you can be in love with someone. - The Covert Comic, to an unidentified CIA case officeress
* It takes a big man to admit he's wrong. Actually, to be precise, it takes a big wrong man. - To a big wrong man (while carrying a gun)
* One benefit of living back in the Stone Age: if you ever needed a really good, large stone, it probably didn't take very long to find one. - In the Intelligence Age
* They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. I say: for that very reason, it may be worth it. - Every day at work
* I'm not, so I never do, so I never do. - Responding to the question: 'Being a CIA officer, do you ever feel paranoid, and if so, how do you deal with it?'
* The Washington Post says that torture is illegal and immoral. Alexander Woollcott says that anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. Now, if we can just figure out a way to make torture fattening, torture will be a good thing. - Attending afternoon prayers extremely near Gitmo
* All the time I thought I was running that Third World country, that Third World country was running me. Man, talk about irony. - While PCS in the People's Republic of Ironía
* Remember, to half the universe, Atlas is doing a handstand - To half the universe
* According to Ann Landers, the naked truth is always better than the best dressed lie. ... Of course, you just know she had clothes on when she wrote this. - ... Of course, you just know he was naked when this was written all over him
* The one who has nothing to lose, has the most precious thing of all to lose: having nothing to lose. - Losing surveillance on the streets of Vienna, Austria
* They say you can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea. I say: Any man I want to? - While listening to 'Life is Life,' by Laibach
* Given relativity and the limiting factor of the speed of light, only after the Federation's victory over the hated Empire would news have reached the vast majority of inhabitants of the galaxy that they had been conquered by the Empire in the first place. At which point, many would no doubt have left home to fight the Federation, believing it to be the Empire. Furthermore, after surviving minions of the Empire had deceived these well-meaning rebels and led them to overthrow the Federation, thereby re-establishing the Empire’s rule, around that time news would just be reaching a majority of the inhabitants of the galaxy that the Empire had been defeated by the Federation, and that everyone was now once again free. - Talking with a bunch of aliens in a bar in the ‘Green Zone’
* Joyce Cary: It is the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he doesn't know; and the less a man knows, the more sure he is that he knows everything. The Covert Comic: I know.
* A writer gets goose bumps when he hears applause. A stripper hears applause when she gets goose bumps. - The Naked Intelligence Stripper
* A major social insight I took away from watching The Grapes of Wrath this weekend: Stay in information technology, my friend. - While reclining and eating some grapes at work
* We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are crated equal. - Moments before participating in one of the blackest CIA black ops ever
* There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us - and foremost among these people are ourselves. - Ourselves
* A survey of the list of Nobel Peace Prize winners shows that at least 13% of them have ordered someone killed. In other words, about the same percentage as peace activists generally. - From his acceptance speech, upon winning the Nobel Prize for Comedy®
* If you can get to the self-help meeting on your own, do you really need to be there? - To an empty room at the self-help meeting
* One person's pornography is another person's used pornography. - The used intelligence officer
* Aldous Huxley: We lie to ourselves, in order that we may still have the excuse of ignorance, the alibi of stupidity and incomprehension, possessing which we can continue with a good conscience to commit and tolerate the most monstrous crimes. The Covert Comic: You do? Then why the hell don’t you stop?!
* In a fight between you and the world, bet on the world. Then make sure you lose the fight. You know, because you bet on the world. - To a world
* What didn't I know, and when didn't I know it? - In the White House Situation Room, during a possible Situation
* The ultimate intelligence report is entitled What I'm Thinking About Doing Right Now. - [Context classified]
* A few years ago I legally willed my body to science, with the following condition: regardless of the scientific procedure performed on my corpse (and/or my corpse's parts), my corpse - and/or my corpse's parts - are to be fully clothed the entire time. - While listening to 'Take The Long Way Home' by Supertramp
* 'To do nothing is in everyone's power?' Then what the hell are we waiting for?! - In V corridor, Naked Headquarters Building, Third Floor
CIA strip tease (highly classified version)
* There's an old superstition at CIA that if a meeting gets cancelled three times in a row, a foreign government will be overthrown within a week. - Two down, one to go
* Who told you that you were naked? - God Who told you that you were God? - Naked
* A couple of reasonably well-known critics actually reviewed my writing. They've since disappeared. No, I didn't have them killed. One of them became a photographer, and the other, near as I can figure, is now a Rabbi. - [Context classified]
* ... 'A spokesperson for the spokesperson of the President stated that the President's spokesperson likely would have no comment, according to a source who likely will request anonymity, once the CIA time machine is fixed several years ago.' - A spokesperson for the CIA time machine
* You can blow my cover any time. - Semi-clothed CIA case officeress, to The Covert Comic
* My name is John, and as you may already have noticed, I'm a naked alcoholic. - At a classified CIAAA meeting in Langley, Virginia (just kidding, of course. I doubt I'm really an alcoholic - though I'm willing to find out)
* If even one person says that my novels have helped awaken in them a sense of the infinite, please watch that person closely, because I don't have any novels. - 'Real Men Don't Get Published' by The Covert Comic
* The day my graduation became official, I went down to the university admin office and picked up my degree. Then I returned to my apartment, packed my meager belongings into my barely operable van, bought gas, and was out of the state within two hours. I had things to do. The students who stayed behind for two weeks so they could attend the graduation ceremony with their parents? They started their careers two weeks behind me. Twenty years later, you might think those two weeks have by now become meaningless. Actually, those two weeks get bigger and bigger with every passing month. - (By the way, if I'm dead by the time you read this, I'm still two weeks ahead you, if not much, much more)
* I actually wrote a few items for the President’s Daily Brief back in the day. I remember the first one well, but I don’t remember any of the others. Isn’t a lot of life like that?
The President's Daily Briefs By John Alejandro King A.k.a. The Covert Comic
One morning in the White House Situation Room I gave an intel briefing that lasted 'till noon And during the lunch break, I happened to peek In a drawer where they kept the President's Daily Briefs
They lay in a stack, all pristine and white It was said he received new ones, each morning and night What a thrill to imagine our Commander In Chief Handling those very same President’s Daily Briefs
Who knew what secrets those articles contained They didn’t appear worn, showed no evidence of stain As I ran my fingers over each fold and crease I resolved that I must have the President’s Daily Briefs
Perhaps this brush with greatness had made me lose my wits For I found the temptation too hard to resist So looking both ways, I gingerly reached And swiped me a pair of the President’s Daily Briefs
I carefully placed them in a folder between Two Senior Executive Intelligence magazines Then walked down the hallway to return to my seat All the while feeling the President’s Daily Briefs
But as I was rounding the corner a man With dark shades and earphone seized hold of my hand You should have heard the shouts of anger and disbelief When I was caught red-handed with the President’s Daily Briefs
I swore they were my own briefs, that there’d been a mistake But the Presidential seal on them guaranteed my fate They took me to a back room and made me spread my cheeks All for purloining the President’s Daily Briefs
The news soon reached Langley, where they placed me on leave Investigations followed, polygraphs without reprieve For at first they thought they'd found the source of White House leaks In the person who had ripped off the President’s Daily Briefs
In the end I convinced them I wasn't a spy My clearances were saved, but in ruins my career would lie For all around Headquarters, I was known as the freak Who had tried to leave the White House with the President’s Daily Briefs
So now I sweep floors in the CIA basement But rather than wallowing in my debasement I dream of a transfer, to launder White House sheets And another chance at glimpsing the President’s Daily Briefs
* As a CIA employee, I assume that when I die certain classified sections of my life will not pass before my eyes. - [Context classified]
* When I die, bury me naked, and give my clothes to a naked person. Then stay there to make sure they actually put my clothes on. Also, follow them around and don't let them take my clothes off. Ever. Even when they're bathing. This is very important, people. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* As a young man I resolved, as many young men do, to save humanity. And like all the rest, I failed. ... Although I do think 93.4% of humanity saved isn't a bad result. - While giving a Counterproliferation Task Force briefing
* I used to say: This too, shall pass. But after awhile I stopped saying it. - Not anymore
* If anything I say to you at this commencement can assist you in preparing for life in the real world, then you obviously aren't ready to graduate, and you are hereby instructed to report back to class first thing Monday morning. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
* I told you I wasn't sick. - Suggested epitaph
Let me help you off with that ...
* Conclusion
For there is nothing clothed that shall not be made naked. And nothing naked that shall not be made clothed. - Mark 4, 22 (disrobed by The Covert Comic)
On the topic of nakedness, you may have read news reports about those perverted individuals who take pleasure in physically exposing themselves to unsuspecting citizens in public. Such individuals are commonly referred to as 'flashers.' I hereby state, now and for the record, that The Covert Comic is not a flasher. True, flashers are known to creep surreptitiously around dressed in overcoats (like many intelligence officers). And true, a typical flasher will suddenly remove his 'cover,' then just as suddenly replace it, usually in the close vicinity of members of the female gender (like many, many intelligence officers). And yes, it's also true that flashers sometimes work for intelligence agencies (like many intelligence officers). However, these and possibly other totally coincidental similarities notwithstanding, there are important differences between intelligence officers (or at least between your humble spook The Covert Comic) and flashers. While the precise nature of these differences is at the moment classified, I confidently predict that they'll be revealed soon, quite possibly in a time and place you least expect (that is, if I have anything to do with it. You're welcome, America). Thank you, and God bless.
The Covert Comic. Get naked with him while you still can!
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