Secrets for Sale

Have you ever been misquoted? I have. A lot. And I'm not referring here to the seemingly endless ordeal of my investigation by FBI Counterintelligence (no oxymoron in that concept, I'm genuinely sorry to say), merely because I happen to be a CIA officer with Top Secret clearances who, in his spare time, likes to write and post on his web site collections of mildly eccentric poetry and prose. No, I'm talking about being misquoted by people who have read (and who apparently enjoy and approve of) my writing.

To cite merely one example, a couple of years ago I wrote the following intelligence joke, as a kind of humorous public service announcement:

Talk to your kids about sex. Tell them just how incredible it really is.

You can imagine my concern, nay, even my sense of near panic, when several family-oriented quote sites to whom I had submitted it published the above saying, but mangled it so badly as to render the central idea virtually unrecognizable. Here's what one major web site did to my precious gem:

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit together at the table of brotherhood. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I mean, my God, they didn't even get my name right!

In any event, for the purpose of hopefully preventing future misquotes I've decided to list several of my more famous utterances (indeed, some of these quotes of mine, to be totally honest about it, have gained me celebrity-like status within the US Intelligence Community) in the following document, which document I've chosen to name Secrets for Sale. As for why I've selected this title for the work you're now reading, unfortunately that information is classified.

But as for why you should read this book of mine all the way through to the end, perhaps the following quote says it best:

Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

To give you some idea of just how true the above statement is, not long ago I was reading a book of quotes by Ralph Waldo himself. What's more, I distinctly remember, upon coming across this brilliant insight, immediately activating my mindphone and calling my beautiful wife to quote this very statement to her.

The point is, you see how well I've done.

All of which strongly implies that, if you read one or several of the many good, original sentences in this book of mine, and quote them to as many people as you can as quickly as possible (making sure to credit your humble intel officer as the creative source), then you could very well find yourself 'next to me' in some very real sense (and perhaps in even more than one real sense).

Thank you, and God bless.

The Covert Comic

Washington DC

3 April 2003

Einstein said that talking to one self is a sign of intelligence, but answering one self is a sign of madness.

Einstein also developed the theory of relativity. How? By asking himself how a beam of light behaves, and then answering himself.

- To a reasonably appreciative audience at a classified CIA briefing

Attending a top secret CIA briefing on international terrorism can be a sobering experience. Especially when the liquor runs out.

- To a journalist from ABC News

As a CIA officer, I can truthfully say that I have never abused my power and authority. On the contrary, I have always treated my power and authority with the utmost love and respect.

- [Context classified]

It’s like he thinks he’s the first Afro-Cambodian transsexual ever to work for CIA.

Or it’s like she thinks ...

... Uh, you know what I mean.

- To a friend in the Directorate of Operations

I like to watch the 9/11 video in reverse. It makes me feel better, you know, like I’m helping in a way.

- To a friend at Counterterrorism Center

forwards lived be must it but; backwards understood be only can Life.

- Faithfully translating Soren Kierkegaard

Just for the record: It's true that I was once thrown out of FBI Headquarters. But that was only because I had lost a bunch of weight and was light enough to throw.

- At FBI Headquarters

I’d seen her kind before: two arms, two legs, a brain and spinal column. No doubt about it, this girl was trouble.

- [Context classified]

I'll believe in nanotechnology when I don't see it.

- While touring SRI (which is located an infinitesimally small distance from where he grew up, by the way)

A user of the drug Ecstasy may become frenzied and experience acute delusional disorientation, somewhat like a paranoid schizophrenic, or a ‘Canadian.’

- The President’s Report on Illegal Drug Use (slightly paraphrased by The Covert Comic)

Yes, the The Covert Comic.

- On being introduced to a young internness at CIA Headquarters

Explosive-sniffing dog? Oh. I thought you said, 'explosive sniffing dog.'

- To an FBI officer at Dulles International Airport, following a 'covert oops'

Sure, I overthrow governments. But at least I don't replace them with new ones.

- Near Kabul, Lafghanistan

Ludwig Wittgenstein: A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

The Covert Comic: But why start now?

Did something happen on 9/11?

- Responding to questions about whether CIA was caught unaware by the September 11th terrorist attacks

Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan. Therefore, always plan to fail to fail to plan.

- To a major asshole at Navel Intelligence

A female lion is a lioness. A female tiger is a tigress. A female case officer is a case officeress.

- Coaching a young CIA case officeress about to go overseas on her first TDY

C’mon man, there’s no such thing as ‘Canada.’

- To a CIA analyst

The Covert Comic: I’ve discovered it’s all a joke.

A fellow CIA officer: What is? What’s a joke?

The Covert Comic: Uh … the joke.

- In an airport lounge in Lima, Peru

Some things you just know are never going to happen. For example: a mime voting Republican.

Oh sure, he might mime voting Republican, but he's never actually going to vote Republican.

- To a paramilitary case officer in Lafghanistan

The French having a word for something: don't the French have a word for that?

- In Baghdad

The only difference between 'leader' and 'dealer' is where you place the letters.

- To a friend in the White House Situation Room, during a White House Situation

If the Matrix really exists, how do you explain the film The Matrix?

- [Context classified]

I can accept a map showing Japan and Monster Island. I can accept Japanese military and civil authorities analyzing an attack on Japan by a group of giant monsters. What I can’t understand is how the heck they justified their conclusion: ‘The giant monsters that attacked us probably came from Monster Island.’

- To a group of CIA analysts

It’s not the end of the world. It’s just the end of your time in it.

- Joking to a junior CIA officer who had missed a safe during his first ever security check

‘I’m a comedian.’

‘I’m a Canadian.’

Sounds similar, no?

- To an NSA analyst

Matthew 5:37: But let your communication be: Yea, yea; nay, nay. For whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

The Covert Comic: Yea, yea; nay, nay.

Actually, I prefer heterosexual porn films.

- When asked what he thought about Gays in the Armed Forces

To assassinate someone - that would be morally wrong. To give this Swedish government official a chick’s urine in exchange for state secrets - hey, that’s freedom and democracy at work, my buddy.

And anyway, I met the source of the urine. She’s a nice girl.

- [Context classified]

My new theory of the universe is that I don’t give a damn.

- Somewhere near the universe

George Carlin: Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

The Covert Comic: Yes.

Who really built the World Trade Center?

- In a letter to Noam Chomsky’s web site

Who Really Built The World Trade Center?

The World Trade Center

Once I get a life, what exactly am I supposed to do with it?

- While watching a comet with friends in southern Russia

If I award the contract to myself, isn’t that the opposite of a conflict of interest?

- At a procurement ethics briefing

I asked the poor peasant woman where the terrorists were hiding.

... Not that the poor peasant woman was where the terrorists were hiding, you understand. I mean, they couldn't have been hiding in the poor peasant woman, because I checked her very carefully.

- [Does it matter?]

Rise and shine? I thought that was the sun's job.

- To a fellow CIA officer, way too early one morning in Jakarta

Voltaire said: 'A witty saying proves nothing.'

Which is a pretty witty saying, if you think about it.

- Way too late one night in Marseilles

My beautiful wife is from Russia. When she found out that Lee Harvey Oswald’s wife was also from Russia, her reaction was: "She marries an American, a military man no less, and he ends up killing the President of the United States. Typical Slavic luck."

- To a CIA analyst [Note for younger CIA and FBI Officers: Lee Harvey Oswald was kind of like Osama bin Laden]

Have you ever noticed that, about the same time 'born again' Christians started showing up, movie monsters began coming back to life after the hero killed them?

- [Context sanctified]

You hate injustice and you want to destroy it? Well make up your mind, which is it going to be?!

- To a philosophy student The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in philosophy at the CIA’s expense)

A government of the Soylent Green, by the Soylent Green, and for the Soylent Green.

- Somewhere in Soylent Greenland

Education is the progressive discovery of our own ignorance? Wow, there's another thing I didn't know!

- During a sand storm break with some Marines near An Najaf

Is he the strong silent type, or is he a refrigerator? Before entering into a serious relationship with a man, check to see whether you can open him and take out a carton of orange juice.

- Sharing insights about life with a junior case officeress

This book definitely has staying power. I threw it off my deck two months ago, and several sections of it are still in my backyard.

- Commenting on a bestseller

A former girlfriend: Whenever you need me, I’ll be there.

The Covert Comic: Just for the record, where is ‘there,’ exactly?

A former girlfriend: Miami Beach.

The Covert Comic: Thank you. I deeply appreciate your honesty.

OK, so where the hell is Tori Amos's father?! I'm gonna find that guy and kick the crap out of him for abusing her when she was a kid.

Unless he didn't abuse her when she was a kid, in which case ... where the hell is Tori Amos?!

- To a CIA contractoress in Vienna, Austria

Is 'beheaded' really the correct word? Shouldn't it be 'de-headed?'

- Officially not in Iraq

‘Welcome to CIA Counterintelligence. How may I hell you?’

- Receptionist greeting at CIA Counterintelligence (CIA Counterintelligence: no oxymoron in that term, I'm genuinely sorry to say), as proposed by The Covert Comic

Henry David Thoreau: Any fool can make a rule.

The Covert Comic: Is this an observation, or is he making a new rule?

I don't understand people who are homophobic. I mean, beating up a homo is easy.

- (Covert Comic Disclaimer: Caution - beating up a homo is not necessarily easy!)

The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.

- To his brother

Do you have any other personalities I should know about?

- To a Green Party official he was recruiting

It never hurts to ask. Unless, of course, you’re connected to a device that causes an electric shock whenever you ask something.

- While conducting a pre-op planning session

Henri Louis Bergson: I cannot escape the objection that there is no state of mind, however simple, that does not change every moment.

The Covert Comic: Just wait a few seconds, and you will.

We have a fail-safe system. It fails to be safe.

- Commenting on the security system at an overseas embassy

Sometimes you just have to quit talking and go kick some ass. For example, my cousin once tried for months to reason with a schoolmate who was bullying him. And sometimes, I just have to quit talking, and go kick my cousin’s ass.

- To a cousin

Mine lands, don’t landmines!

- Entry in an international competition to select anti-landmine slogans

Was Zapata buried standing up?

- Referring to the famous quote by Emiliano Zapata: "It’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees."

Wait a minute … this woman’s not a Goth, this woman is dead!

- [Context classified]

The Covert Comic’s Russian wife: Do you have to spend every Sunday lying on the sofa watching that stupid UFO?

The Covert Comic: UFO? … You mean NFL?

The Covert Comic’s Russian wife: Whatever.

Sex, and ruling Third World countries, are two things you can enjoy and not be very good at.

- To a journalist from the Washington Post (which probably explains why this quote was never published)

In an argument with a poet, the best a mathematician can do is tie. In an argument with a mathematician, the only thing a poet can do is tie.

- During an argument with himself

Maureen Lipman: You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

The Covert Comic: Then again, this woman’s name is 'Lipman.'

All Italians move to New York sooner or later. The name 'Tony' is just an abbreviation for 'To New York.'

- To a developmental in Lugo

Don't be too quick to throw a homeless person out of a library. There's a fair chance they’re the author of one or more of the books in it.

- To a developmental at the public library in Arlington, VA

The most common last name in the world is Wong.

The most common first name in the world is Muhammed.

... Is there even one guy somewhere named Muhammed Wong?

- In western China

Erica Jong: Beware of the man who denounces women writers; his penis is tiny and he cannot spell.

The Covert Comic: And she should know, if not about the latter, then at least about the firmer.

Basically, whatever analysis we present will be acceptable, provided it’s wrong.

- While helping prepare for a briefing to the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence

‘Never ask for whom the bell tolls.’

Damn. And I was just about to ask that.

- To a case officer in a Georgetown bookstore

Does this count as a Near Death Experience?

- To a fellow CIA official, while attending a UN conference on Third World debt relief

It’s no use being a dead horse.

... What's that? The saying is beating a dead horse?

Oh.

... Well, that too.

- While giving good intelligence

If you’re looking for heroes, the Greek deli is down the street.

- Just kidding around with an impressionable young Hellenistic case officeress

'Never ask for whom the bell tolls.'

At least not when the bell isn’t tolling.

- To a case officer, while driving home from a Georgetown bookstore

If you would know the full measure of human dignity, by all means read Mirandola’s On the Dignity of Man. But right after that, read the safety label on a ladder.

- To philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in philosophy at the CIA’s expense)

If you find yourself in an alternate universe, the quickest way to get back to your own universe is to have everybody in the alternate universe do everything opposite. Because then, you’re already home!

- To some French people

A jealous husband: Don’t call my wife anymore. Don’t write to her. Don’t talk to her on the street.

The Covert Comic: Can I still screw her?

You’re asking me, another person, if the theory of solipsism is true?

… You are kidding, right?

- To a philosophy student The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in philosophy at the CIA’s expense)

Karl Marx said: "Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. I say: No way. Philosophy couldn’t possibly be that much better than the real world.

- Near Washington DC

The probability that a major publishing company will promote my writing and actually pay me my legally due royalties is approximately the same as the probability that some wealthy, enlightened individual or organization somewhere will pay me several hundred thousand dollars for a single copy of one of my books.

Since the two scenarios are equally probable, why not have some fun with the situation?

- Explaining why he charges several hundred thousand dollars for a copy of one of his books

Hedge your bets, don’t bet your hedges.

- To a fellow CIA officer, on the dangers of gambling

I don’t overthrow governments in order to seek promotions. I seek promotions in order to overthrow governments.

- [Context classified]

Her divorce is breaking up.

- Gossiping with a case officeress

I tried writing for the public, but the public ignored me. So then I tried writing for the critics, but the critics ignored me. Now I write for myself. And now myself ignores me.

- [Context classified]

'Women?' What’s a ‘Women?’

- When asked if his web site had information about 'Women'

Attention Feminists!

'I carry His child'

Please Let Us Men Know

(As you always do)

When It's Time For

The Next World War

I bet the saying 'If you can dream it, you can do it' isn't all that inspiring if you're a bed wetter.

- To an impressionable, very young case officer

Irate e-mail to The Covert Comic’s web site: Someday the joke will be on you.

Non-irate e-mail from The Covert Comic’s web site: You’re proof that it already is.

‘Canada.’ The ultimate conspiracy.

- Explaining to a State Department analyst why ‘Canada’ couldn’t possibly exist

And all this time we thought he didn’t even have one.

- On being told that Jim B., a famously paranoid CIA counterintelligence officer, had been diagnosed with multiple personalities

A lot of women say we men don't pay enough attention to real ancient ships.

... At least I think this is what they're saying. Maybe these women should speak more clearly.

- [Context classified]

America. Love it and leave it.

- To a right-wing relative

After all, how important is having sex with another person, anyway?

- Arguing the benefits of married life to a single CIA officer

A young female CIA official: I’m not a ‘case officeress,’ I’m a person.

The Covert Comic: Actually, you’re a personess. And precisely because you said that.

I know strip searching myself sounds bad. But it's OK, I didn't have anything illegal on my person.

- Just kidding around with the CIA psychologist

I invented this phrase recently. I’m hoping it’ll catch on and become a worldwide maxim:

'Well kick my ass ‘till it’s purple, and call me Ebola butt!'

- While briefing a group of tech officers in the Democratic Republic of Congo

The State Department is the Picasso of intelligence analysis.

- To a fellow CIA official, while eating lunch at the State Department cafeteria (which is definitely better than the CIA cafeteria, by the way)

If religious conservatives are against Gay sex, shouldn’t they be in favor of Gay marriage?

- Musing at a staff meeting

[Barely suppressing giggles]: ‘Canada?!’

You mean, the place with the ‘French people?!'

Where they play ‘hockey?!’

Suuuuure. Yeah. Right!

- To a group of DIA analysts

Any Republican can earn a million dollars. But it takes a Democrat to really spend it.

- To a fellow Democrat

You know that song that goes: 'When she talks she moves her mouth, instead of her lips?'

I wonder how many women who heard that song, when no one was looking, tried talking with their mouth instead of their lips, you know, just to see what it was like.

- While not moving his mouth (or his lips) during an intelligence briefing

You know, if you shot gasoline out of a super cannon at twenty thousand miles per hour, you probably could put out a small fire with it.

- In Lima, at four o’clock in the morning

Janeane Garofalo: Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

The Covert Comic: Why is she asking me?

'Hey ...'

Something tells me that the man who said "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail" was, for that very reason, a hammer kind of guy.

- While giving a briefing at Pentagon

Educated people love to talk about 'freedom.' Yet Plato had slaves. George Washington had slaves. I have slaves.

- Near Berkeley, CA

It’s not a matter of principle, it’s a principle of matter.

- Explaining to a senior manager why he gave a contractor three days off, with pay, after the contractor had worked seven consecutive twelve-hour shifts

Our long national nightmare is over.

- Commenting on the death of actor Jack Lemmon

You’re asking another person if the theory of solipsism is true?

Let me put it this way: if the universe consisted of you and that person, the theory of solipsism would definitely be true.

- To a philosophy student The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in philosophy at the CIA’s expense)

You can’t fight genetics. Unless, of course, you happen to be born with a gene for fighting genetics.

- To a case officer in Brazil

How does one come to be quotable? Maybe it’s because you’re erudite, maybe it’s because you’re funny, maybe it’s because you offer profound insights on the human condition.

... But more likely it’s because your uncle Bernie owns a publishing company, or is friends with someone who owns a publishing company.

- In a hotel lobby in Moscow, at two o’clock in the morning

The problem with entropy is that it’s always breaking down.

- In a hotel lobby near the Great Cloud of Orion, at two-thirty in the morning

Damn it, I need an uncle Bernie.

- In a hotel lobby in Moscow, at three o’clock in the morning

A pretty girl from the country is like a precious diamond you find in a dusty field: you pick her up, wash her, then take her to the nearest city and sell her for some serious money.

- [Context classified but in no way surprising]

Historical revisionism: let’s make sure it never happens.

- I don’t remember

Where the hell are all those CIA groupies the guy at the Federal Government Career Fair told me about?!

- To a tech ops officer, outside a heavily fortified building of an extremely hostile Middle Eastern organization, at four o’clock in the morning

'Heidegger felt that the Nazis weren’t radical enough because they weren’t provoking the German people to a confrontation with Being.'

… You can’t make this stuff up, people.

- While reading from a philosophy journal article to university students whom The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in philosophy at the CIA’s expense)

I am now so far ahead of my time, I'm lapping it.

- While rapidly coming up behind space

Newly unclassified photos provide strongest evidence yet of 'Canada' conspiracy

One cool thing about working for the Government: if somebody asks you a question and you don't know the answer, you can always turn into a dazzling ball of light, and rise up and disappear through the ceiling.

- Self-explanatory

That time I slept with Vivian, the Black female bodybuilder from Tech Ops: please, tell me that wasn’t virtual reality.

- To a CIA software engineer who had bragged to the Covert Comic that, using virtual reality, he could manipulate every aspect of an individual’s perception of his or her experience

If ‘Canada’ really exists, where are all the Canadanos?

C’mon, have you ever seen a Canadano?!

Well, have you?

- To a Defense Intelligence Agency analyst

Eating pornography: does that count as oral sex?

- To a fellow CIA officer in Brest

You know why Rhythm & Blues (and by extension, Jazz, Hip-Hop, etc.) is the greatest music ever made? Not because it expresses the historic suffering of a downtrodden people and their dreams of a better life. No, the reason R&B is the greatest music ever made is that, on any given R&B record, they get some fresh, totally original sound because one of the musicians forgot to bring his instrument to the recording session and they had to improvise with the materials at hand.

… I mean, how the hell do you forget to bring your instrument to a recording session?! Only an R&B guy could do that.

- To an associate at three a.m., during a surveillance op in Vienna

In the end, the only thing hatred and violence teach us is that they're wrong.

... So thank God for hatred and violence.

- In Holland

Why should I win the Nobel Peace Prize? I’ll tell you why: because seven years ago I got the CIA to pay twenty-two thousand dollars for me to get a masters degree in philosophy.

Think about it: the CIA could have overthrown a Third World government for less than that.

That’s right, people: I single-handedly prevented the CIA from overthrowing a Third World government!

Plus, I got a masters in philosophy out of the deal.

... Where’s my Nobel Peace Prize, assholes?

- Somewhere under the Third World

Diane Telgen: There are some things humanity was not meant to know.

The Covert Comic: And this is one of those things.

Thanks to guys like you, guys like me are free to write weird jokes about guys like you and guys like me.

- To ‘Dave,’ a member of the US Navy (so you know he has a classified sense of humor)

See? I told you the future would suck!

- To a fellow CIA officer, in the future

A case officer friend: This world is so crazy, they could sell admission tickets.

The Covert Comic: Wait a minute, you mean you didn’t have to pay to get in here?!

Listen, I’m telling you: I was there in the DO in 1987 when we came up with this whole ‘Canada’ thing.

I mean, think about it: A country north of the USA. Real big. Nuclear weapons. Socialist. They play tackle football, but they have 12 men on a side.

Right.

... Oh, and they have a city called ‘Saskatchewan.’

... And another city called ‘Saskatoon!’ [giggling at the self-evident ridiculousness of it all]

And of course, they spy on the USA. Of course!

C’mon my friend, it was all a media operation! We needed a bigger covert action budget, so we made up the whole damn thing!

- To an unidentified CIA officer who called him on the green line to inquire about his legendary claim that Canada doesn’t exist

'Canada'

When I read that Superman had the ability to go back in time, I just about lost it. Here's a guy who regularly got tortured by Lex Luthor, when all the time he could have prevented him from having been born in the first place!

Jesus, what an idiot.

- While giving a briefing at DIA

Hey, did I say you weren’t right to ask if the theory of solipsism is true?

On the contrary, because you sincerely asked if the theory of solipsism is true, you get an A for the semester.

… Or should I say, I get an A for the semester.

- To that philosophy student The Covert Comic was tutoring (while getting a masters degree in CIA at philosophy’s expense)

I needed an Uncle Bernie. And sure enough, along came FBI Counterintelligence.

- In a hotel lobby in Moscow, at infinity o'clock in the morning

And the Light? The Light is infiniteness. And it’s ‘loving,’ and it’s ‘knowing,’ because loving and knowing are one with infiniteness. To be in the Light, and to be infinite in space and time, and to love and to know, these are all expressions of the same thing.

… Insert penis joke here.

- Responding to a friend’s observation that he needed to have a profound, climactic thought at the end of this book

The Light.

‘Canada.’

What’s the difference?

- [Context classified]

The secret of my success in Government: I was so incompetent, I couldn’t even be consistently incompetent. Eventually I screwed up and did something valuable.

- On being promoted to GS-14 (the equivalent of Lieutenant Colonel) at CIA, following delivery by the team he was managing of a product that helped save the lives of many innocent people in the USA and around the world

If I had known I was going to live this long, I wouldn’t have taken such good care of myself.

- When it appeared he was about to be killed (though he wasn’t, as usual)

Planet Canada.

It works, no?

- Either making a joke, or possibly coming up with a theme for a major new CIA covert operations program

Ludwig Wittgenstein: A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.

The Covert Comic: Bit-a-boom!

That one.

- When asked by a friend one midnight in Vienna, Austria (or Vienna, Virginia, I forget which): "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?"

On the other hand, if God wasn’t joking when he created us, that’s even funnier.

- Shortly before not being assassinated in Lafghanistan

My agnostic friends would occasionally ask me what it was like to attend a Legion of Mary meeting. I would reply that it was kind of like being dead for three hours twice a week, in response to which they would chuckle approvingly.

One day it occurred to me that my friends weren't chuckling because they thought being dead for three hours twice a week was valuable. They were chuckling for some other reason. Learning what this reason is has become a major purpose of my existence.

- Shortly after being assassinated near Washington DC

And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you freak.®

... Please make sure you put the '®' in there, OK?

- [Context most highly classified]

The Covert Comic. Just glad to help.

This is it. The sold secret.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not claiming it was easy (on the contrary, it required several days of careful planning and coordination, inspired sobriety, and 'creative accounting'). But through diligent study and application of proven principles of popular revolutionary struggle, my fellow intel officers and I did in fact manage to engineer a Third World revolution. We did this so that, when the new revolutionary leadership (a.k.a. our local drinking buddies) stepped out onto the balcony of the presidential palace to acknowledge those wildly cheering Third World masses, we could videotape ourselves on the adjoining balcony, waving to what appeared to be our own adoring crowd.

We sent the video back home to our friends and loved ones. There must be a good five or six households in Northern Virginia today with a copy of that priceless historical document.

You didn't read this here first. Thank you.

- [I hereby plead no context]

Soren Kierkegaard: Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

The Covert Comic: My God, is it possible we've been spelling this guy's name backwards this whole time?!

When I was twenty-one my parents rented a house in Redwood City, California. It sat at the top of a hill and had one of those gigantic wall-sized windows in the living room. At night, from the living room of my parents' rented house in Redwood City, you could see the distant lights all the way down the Peninsula into San Jose. Late on Saturday evenings when I would visit my parents' rented house (after everyone else had gone to bed), I would gaze at those distant lights and get the most amazing feeling. A feeling like I should do something about it. You know what I mean?

So late one Saturday night, as I sat there in the living room of my parents' rented house in Redwood City, California, gazing at the distant lights of San Jose (after everyone else had gone to bed), I did something about it. I quietly walked out the front door of my parents' rented house, jumped into my car, and drove all the way down Interstate 101 to the main drag of San Jose (I forget the name of the street), where there were thousands and thousands of cars with teenagers cruising down the avenue at five miles per hour, with police watching them, etc. Then I parked, got out of my car, and walked around. And I made a point of looking back, through the haze of the city lights as I strolled along the streets of San Jose at midnight, toward the far black hills where my parents' rented house was located. I don't know if my parents' rented house (and the room where they were snoring away, and the other room where my brother was sleeping) actually fell within the sweep of my gaze or not, but I strongly suspect it did.

I imagine that, when I die, and the Light asks me what moments of my life I consider important, I'll mention some things I did that were helpful to people and that I feel good about, some things I did that were hurtful to people and that I feel bad about, and so on. And then I'll mention the feeling I used to get on those late Saturday evenings at my parents' rented house in Redwood City, California, when I would gaze at the distant lights of San Jose, and the night I resolved to jump in my car and drive down there, and the fact that I walked around the streets of San Jose at midnight, and looked back toward the dark hills from whence I had come.

I mean, if the Light doesn't approve of you at that point, then the heck with the Light, you know?

- In every blade of grass, under every stone, in every teacup you dip into the ocean ... oh yes, people!

Conclusion

The following quote has been attributed to one Professor Robert Wilensky (though Dr. Wilensky reportedly claims, no doubt appropriately, that the quote itself is older than the Internet):

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of William Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that this is not true.

With all due respect to the good professor, I would point out that one can easily find the works of William Shakespeare all over the Internet.

Shakespeare, and a million monkeys typing on keyboards: is this a trick question?

No matter, really. The important thing is that I, your humble intelligence officer John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, shall return SOON with great new classified quotes!

In fact, when you think about it, in a very real way I already have.

Quote early and often.

- The Covert Comic