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Covert Press Releases!
The following press releases have been published in various media around the world. In addition to reading them, you are highly encouraged to copy and send these press releases to any media you deem appropriate (e.g., major news services, your local church newsletter, the Secret Service's web site, etc.) Prizes for best results!
* Press release published circa 8/11/01. Doubtful that it caused the World Trade Center and Pentagon attacks (one or the other maybe, but probably not both).
Pepsi: the cola beverage of God
For Immediate Release Contact: John Alejandro King Pepsi Purchases Naming Rights To Haj Annual Muslim Pilgrimage To Be Called 'The Haj, Presented By PepsiŽ'
Washington DC, August 11, 2001 - Soft drink giant Pepsi has purchased the naming rights to the annual Muslim pilgrimage known as the Haj. Starting in 2005 (1425 in the Muslim calendar), the yearly mass pilgrimage to the holy city of Mecca, considered the sacred duty of Muslims worldwide, will be known as 'The Haj, Presented by PepsiŽ.' As part of contractual agreements worked out with leading Muslim clerics, Pepsi will sponsor pilgrimages for up to 1000 economically disadvantaged Muslims each year, and will provide free bottles of Pepsi to Haj participants. Additional terms of the agreement were not disclosed. In exchange Pepsi will receive naming rights to the Haj, and the Pepsi icon will be displayed "solemnly and with due respect" on the outer walls of minarets of prominent mosques, including the Grand Mosque at Mecca. "We know that some Muslims may wonder whether such corporate sponsorship is inappropriate or even blasphemous. But when you add the whole thing up, it's really an excellent agreement for Islam and the Haj," declared Sheik Ali bin Said al-Ghadi, a Saudi cleric known for his rigidly conservative views. Because Islam prohibits the depiction of human likenesses, images of celebrities and supermodels drinking Pepsi will not be permitted to adorn Islamic structures. "And it's not like we're allowing Pepsi to advertise inside mosques, or on the fabled Black Stone of the Ka'bah, or anything like that," noted the Sheik. In what is considered a landmark concession, clerics have granted special dispensation for free 16.9 oz bottles of Pepsi (0.5 liters in the Islamic system) to be provided to Haj participants during Ramadan, the Islamic month of fasting in which Muslims traditionally refrain from consuming food or drink during daylight hours. "The cool, refreshing nature of this beverage, combined with its demonstrated ability to reenergize both body and mind, can aid Haj participants in refocusing themselves during the more grueling moments of this, the holiest of pilgrimages, thereby heightening the intensity of devotion and making for a more consecrated Haj experience," observed Shia Imam Seyed Mohammed Hakimi. Added the Imam "And after all, scientifically speaking, it isn't as if Pepsi is really a 'food' or 'drink' anyway, so all should be fine, Allah willing." "We're honored and excited to be entering into this historic partnership between Pepsi and the Umma [Muslim community]," said Brad Fleischer Al-Haj, Senior Vice President of International Marketing for Pepsi's Middle East Region, and a recent convert to Islam. "In a time of growing international awareness of the need for greater dialogue between the Western and Islamic worlds, Pepsi's earnest sponsorship of this important annual event can serve as a springboard for better mutual understanding and cultural exchange." "Praise be to Allah, the Compassionate and Merciful," Fleischer Al-Haj said in conclusion. The information in this press release was provided to CIA officer John Alejandro King (a.k.a. The Covert Comic, www.covertcomic.com), by well-placed sources reportedly unconnected to the Coca-Cola company. The Covert Comic is disseminating this information purely as a public service, and has not received compensation from Coca-Cola, Pepsi Cola, RC Cola, or any other member organization of the Cola Information Agency. For more information contact John Alejandro King at covertcomic@yahoo.com, or www.covertcomic.com.
I told you, I told you, I told you ###
*
Attention Covert Agents! Please copy and transmit the following highly classified press release to as many media as possible, especially those media read by people who tend to get all snippy about stuff like this. (Note: special clearances granted to any Covert Agents who manage to recruit a real live Chomskyan, Chomskian, or especially a Chomskyenne.) That's what I'm [officially not] talkin' 'bout!
Stupid Question Discovered Surprise Finding May Rewrite Theory Of Linguistics, Self-Help Books
Washington DC, May 21, 2007 -- Researchers have discovered what is believed to be the first known stupid question, apparently refuting the long held belief that such questions do not exist. While testing a key result from the work of linguist Noam Chomsky, researchers inadvertently generated what appears to be a question of such exceedingly low intelligence that it registers near zero on a widely used intelligence index. Discovery a surprise Ironically, it was a question about stupid questions that led to the serendipitous discovery of the world's first known negatively intelligent query. "We were in the laboratory testing an important implication of Chomsky's theory of language, namely, that a state of doubt may be innately present in certain types of human consciousness," said Dr. John Gloopsky of the University of Kentucky Linguistics Research Center. "We were calibrating our software by having it continually repeat the question: 'Is there such a thing as a stupid question?' over and over, when the program suddenly started looping." "While we were trying to kill the program, someone happened to look over at the intelligence index, and it had completely taken a dive," continued Gloopsky. "The needle was so close to zero you couldn't tell if it was on the line or just above it." "It's a stupid question, no doubt about it," remarked Dr. LaToya MacCorquodale, Associate Senior Research Manager. "You get a strange feeling when you say it out loud ... sort of like your head is totally numb." Implications of the discovery of a stupid question are profound, say scientists, theologians, and motivational speakers. "This new discovery will likely require a complete re-writing of all self-help books in circulation today," observed celebrated motivational speaker and author Tony Robbins. "That said, we should view this finding not as a setback for motivational theory, but as an opportunity. Really, I feel great about completely re-writing every one of my books and can't wait to get started!" he added. Discovery of a stupid question questioned by some Some researchers remain skeptical of the reported findings. "Is there really such a thing as a stupid question, or are there merely questions asked stupidly?" asked Dr. Mehmet Ali Boub, of the University of Istanbul in Turkey . Added Boub, "Once we open the door and allow that there could be one stupid question, couldn't there theoretically speaking be many, perhaps infinitely, more?" Most researchers agree that more research is needed, though some researchers question this. John Alejandro King is a CIA research manager who never questions anything. Contact Information Contact John Alejandro King ###
* Just in case it turns out that the US Government decides to permit US elections in 2008.
'Weeping Bush' by The Covert Comic (Note: image not cleared by CIA)
For Immediate Release Contact John Alejandro King 'Weeping Bush' Bust Of Former CIA Director And US President Reportedly Weeps Blood Agency Refuses Comment
Washington DC, October 31, 2008 - Crowds of devoted intelligence officials, as well as curious onlookers (all with Top Secret security clearances), have been flocking to CIA Headquarters in recent days to view a bust of former US President and CIA Director George Herbert Walker Bush that apparently weeps blood, a phenomenon that has experts baffled. The event reportedly has occurred at midnight on the final day of each month ever since George W. Bush, son of the elder Bush, became the 43rd President of the United States. "It's an amazing thing to witness, if you have a badge and can get into CIA Headquarters," said an Agency employee who wished to remain anonymous, after viewing the oddity. A CIA official, John Alejandro King, recently published a photo of the bust of Bush seemingly crying blood-red tears, on his web site www.covertcomic.com. "I'm not trying to gain attention or make a political statement," said King, 40. "I just want the world to know about this extraordinary phenomenon, which many of us at CIA consider truly miraculous." King, who claims he manages research and builds databases on chemical and biological defense topics, said he has collected some of the liquid 'cried' by the Bush statue and sent it to a CIA lab for analysis. "Depending on the results of the analysis, I can neither confirm nor deny that I'll be able to disclose whether the material is human blood or not," King said. An Agency official contacted by journalists acknowledged that The Covert Comic web site is the work of a real CIA employee. The same official denied reports that the employee has been targeted for retaliation by the CIA for publishing the site, which often pokes fun at the CIA and FBI. Previously Agency officials have characterized jokes in The Covert Comic web site as "tasteless." The Covert Comic is the alias of CIA officer John Alejandro King. For more information contact John Alejandro King at covertcomic@yahoo.com. ###
* Published circa 8/18/05. Seems to be working so far.
For Immediate Release Contact: John Alejandro King Message to the Umma (Muslim Nation): It's OK, America Has Been Destroyed
America being destroyed recently
In the name of Allah, the Compassionate and Merciful. Thanks to the most divine and perfect guidance of Allah, as well as the legions of faithful who have dutifully carried out Jihad around the world, the US military, the US economy, and the USA itself, have all been completely and utterly wiped out. Praise be to Allah. Therefore, it is now no longer necessary to wage holy war against the United States of America. Accordingly, you should now return to your homes and await further instructions. In the meantime, be vigilant! Examine your household, and those of your fellow Muslims, carefully. Is there something in your Muslim neighbor's behavior that could give rise to transgression? Better go to his home and check. And while you're at it, why not take along your AK-47, you know, as a safety precaution. Allah U Akbar. The Covert Comic is the alias of CIA officer John Alejandro King. For more information contact John Alejandro King at covertcomic@yahoo.com. CIA U Akbar. ###
* A totally different approach to press releases. Definitely working so far.
For Immediate Release Contact: John Alejandro King Hey, Am I The Only One Who Notices That The World Trade Center Has Inexplicably Re-Materialized?!
Photo taken by my wife last week, near the miraculously restored World Trade Center. I'm the one in the shadows, with sunglasses and no mouth.
Washington DC, September 11, 2007 - I know. I think it's utterly weird too. But when I drove the wife and kids up to Manhattan last weekend for a one day excursion, there it was, the good old WTC, proudly glistening against the fabled New York skyline, looking for all the world as if nothing had ever happened! Not believing our eyes at first, we decided to take a ferry ride, you know, to try to get a look from a different angle. Well, we got a different angle, alright. (Note: In the interest of maintaining the family-friendly standards of decency that are a basic policy of this web site, I have obscured selected portions of the photo below. Any children or easily offended persons reading this report may wish to look away from the screen when scrolling down the page, in order not to view the following image. Thank you.).
Why this woman did this, I have no idea. Sorry about that, America.
The other thing that struck me as kind of odd was that nobody in New York seemed very impressed that the World Trade Center wasn't gone anymore. In fact, several Big Apple denizens whom I surveyed on the sidewalk responded to my questions about the 9/11 jetliner attacks and the destruction of the Twin Towers by nervously offering me spare change and quickly scurrying away. (One man replied, when I inquired why the World Trade Center was still there, by asking what part of New Jersey I had just hitchhiked in from ... that one I'm still trying to figure out.) I think you'll agree, however, that the above definitive photographic evidence pretty much compels one to the frankly stunning conclusion that the World Trade Center has somehow re-materialized. As for your humble intelligence officer, I myself don't buy for a minute the explanation that will no doubt be advanced by some of my more conspiracy-minded public, you know, that this whole thing is merely another instance of CIA time travel technology. I mean, I personally have been involved in that research, and while details remain classified, I can assure any concerned readers that neither I nor my colleagues at Langley could possibly have resolved fundamental problems in applied quantum entanglement that currently make any suggestion of time travel utterly laughable. After all, we're the ones doing the research, so if we were to go back in time, we of all people would know it, wouldn't we? ... OK, so when I get back to the office on Monday, I'll just double check. But really, I don't think this is what happened. Really. Thanks. The Covert Comic is the alias of CIA officer John Alejandro King. For more information contact John Alejandro King at covertcomic@yahoo.com. ###
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