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Cointelprose John Alejandro King A.k.a. The Covert Comic
The Nobel Prize for Comedy®
* We dance around in a ring and suppose But the Secret sits in the middle and Cointelprose.
Recently I, John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic (a real flesh and blood CIA employee), was awarded the Nobel Prize for Comedy®. The specifics regarding my becoming a Nobel Laureate aren't terribly important here (and in any case, the details are classified Top Secret). ... All the more reason for us not to change the subject immediately! The following collection of poems is called Cointelprose. Not only are these poems great, they're also highly compartmented. I'll have less to say about all this later in the book.
John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic Washington, DC September 12, 2002
* Preface: Until you know about Cointelprose, you can't comprehend this poetry. And until you comprehend this poetry, you can't know about Cointelprose. By the way, I can both confirm and deny that, when I'm finally presented with my Nobel Prize, I'll declare at the press conference: 'Well, I'm the eleventh CIA operative to win this goddamn thing.'
Cointelprose
Cointelprose If I neither confirm nor deny it Cointelprose Someone's sure to buy it
Back in the '50's The FBI proposed A new kind of poetry: Cointelprose
Cointelprose The moment you conceal it Cointelprose Is the moment you reveal it
Then came the '60's When J. Edgar Hoover chose To frame a bunch of Yippies Using Cointelprose
Cointelprose What rhymes with Weathermen? How about: Forged-Letter-Men? Or: Plant-Dope-In-His-Sweater-Men? No? Whatever then
Cointelprose The moment you confess it Cointelprose Is the moment you suppress it
On to the '70's When the Government disclosed It was brainwashing lefties With Cointelprose
Cointelprose What rhymes with Black Panther? I got the anther Give 'em all canther
Cointelprose They're trying to tail this poem To find out where it goes Well I ain't gonna snow 'em And I can't overthrow 'em I'll just let this poem show 'em
Cointelprose The moment it's detected Cointelprose Is the moment you're infected
Along came the '80's When the truth was exposed That instead of spreading AIDS we Spread Cointelprose
Cointelprose If I told you, you'd have to kill me Cointelprose If I sold you, you'd have to bill me Cointelprose If I hold you, you'd have to thrill me
Fast-forward to the '90's A controversy arose When the CIA was cited For selling kilos and kilos of Cointelprose
Cointelprose If you're a Blacktivist Blow-n-tell-prose We'll claim you're a Cracktivist Show-n-don't-tell-prose See, we got our own Hacktivists Your files to recompose
Cointelprose The moment you hate it Cointelprose Is the moment you fellate it
Now in the Year Zero We'd best be on our toes For all the hippie weirdos The terrorists, and the queer-o's And even the poets are cleared, so The end is surely near, no? For Cointelprose
* Preface: Did something happen on 9/11?
I Love You World Trade Center
They say everyone remembers What they were doing When TV first reported The tragic events of 9/11
And sure enough I remember What I was doing When TV first reported The tragic events of 9/11: I was watching TV
Not pornography
* Preface: There's a famous poem that's frequently cited by anti-anti-anti-gun control advocates. The poem is: 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' The following are some of my thoughts on this famous poem. And remember, all my thoughts are classified. So you know my thoughts are true.
Guns Don't Kill People, Poems Kill People
Guns don't kill people, poems kill people That's why we should register every poem sold in America And anyone who tries to purchase a poem Should be subject to a thorough background check
Guns don't kill people, poems kill people That's why no one should be permitted to carry a concealed poem Or sell poems to felons Or leave poems in places Where children might find them
Guns don't kill people, poems kill people Yes, enforcement of existing poem legislation is important But the real key to ending poem violence is prevention That, and fighting the poem lobby And its obstruction of sensible poetry control laws
Guns don't kill people, poems kill people Don't be misled by appeals to 'Constitutional freedoms' The fact is: Guns don't kill people, poems kill people And while we're on the subject: Allen Gunsberg don't kill people But every now and then Allen Gunsberg kills me
* Let Me Through, I'm a Professional Comedian
It is taught That to practice true Zen One must sit In the Lotus Position
The inhabitants of the star system Go-Gol Have no buttocks The great Go-Gol Zen master, Tail Hard, comments: "Therefore, we can never practice true Zen"
* Houston, We Have a Poem
Let me set you wise: To win the Nobel Prize Some bitter old Vikings Must find you to their liking
What can my country do for me? What can my country do for me? What can my country do for me? Take that, JFK!
... I did not know then whether I was a CIA officer planting a bug, or a bug planting a CIA officer
* Zen of Frankenstein
It's really real The way I feel When you squeal Just like an eel
The water stands still The bridge moves over it Damn I must be sober again
The following is a Public Service Poem Remember: Whenever you have sex with yourself You're having sex with everyone you ever had sex with
They say: you are what you eat And they say: be yourself Now do you understand Why I chew on my fingernails?
Attention: There's a blue Toyota in the West Lot Parked on my psyche
A hell of a title, for a hell of a poem: America: Love It Or Believe It
Forgive me Father, for I haven't sinned.
If the cosmos is infinite Then the Vatican was right all along: The Earth really is at the center of the cosmos
I can both deny and deny That the following prose is classified Top Secret. Oh what a tangled web we weave When first we practice to deceive Though after we’ve practiced for a time Our weaving improves significantly
Zen of Frankenstein: According to a reliable source with excellent access The word 'pet' Is just 'poet' Without the 'Oh …'
* Preface: I want to make it clear that some of my best friends are Womanians. In fact, my wife is a Womanian, and I myself have Womanian ancestry (my mother is a Womanian). You're welcome.
Womanians
While I fully support the struggle of Womanians To attain greater empowerment, and an enhanced quality of life I think it's best for everyone if Womanians remain in their own country And not try to come to the United States
Before, and before Before ...
* Preface: In this poem I am not suggesting that genocide is funny. I am merely saying that the word ‘genocide’ really cracks me up.
Mime Kampf
Whatever you do Don't commit genocide Because Hitler committed genocide So you know genocide is bad
* Peace Through Massive, Devastating Explosions
There should be a Nobel Prize for Comedy® And it should be awarded to political activists Then, when they ask why they’re being awarded the Nobel Prize for Comedy® We can answer: What, you mean you were serious when you said and did those things?!
If I wind up going to hell I intend to be a good sport about it
Speaking of hell Poem within a poem: In heaven You're in bed by seven But in hell Things are swell
Speaking of speaking of hell According to the Theory of Evolution If the Theory of Evolution is wrong Then the Kansas State School Board* May actually be evolving
Things to say to impress your date: If you don't like my personality, I have others I don't want your body of knowledge, I want knowledge of your body Working with vital organs: that counts as human contact, right? You’re small, you’re dark, and you’re wrinkled But you’re sweet, and you help keep me regular And that’s why I love you
A great title for a poem And a great poem for a title: Absence makes the hair grow blonder
Wait a minute I’ll be right back I have to go overthrow Some democratically elected Third World government
... BOOM! BLAM! WHAP! FRAP!
… (Pant pant pant)
OK, I'm back Sorry for the interruption
I’m no longer ashamed To talk about masturbation Ever since I learned how to masturbate Earlier this week
Sorry about the standup comic nature Of this poem, ladies and germs It's just that I'm trying to win The Nobel Prize for Physics
Speaking of covert intelligence Charlie Chaplin once stated: In the end, everything is a gag Now you know The CIA's only real secret
(* The Kansas State School Board achieved fame in the late 1990’s after being acquitted, in a sensational criminal trial, of having unnatural relations with a dolphin)
* The Covert Comic Is Great – The Covert Comic
Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance – Plato Plato was a bore – Nietzsche Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal – Tolstoy I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy – Hemingway Hemingway was a jerk – Harold Robbins What’s a ‘Harold Robbins?’ – Plato
* From Owners’ Manual: Logico-Quantitative Empiricism
1. Assert reality of thought firmly 2. Declare: ‘Therefore I am’ 3. Wait for giant asteroid to strike planet
* Preface: The following poem has been censored by, at last count, approximately seventy million high schools in the USA alone. (Note: I can both confirm and deny that the phrases ‘dangerous organisms,’ ‘dangerous toxins derived from dangerous organisms,’ and ‘live and work for peace,’ have more than one meaning).
How to Make a Biological Weapon By John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer
Step One: Acquire dangerous organisms, and/or dangerous toxins derived from dangerous organisms. (Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don’t hurt anybody! Live and work for peace!)
Step Two: Seal the dangerous organisms, and/or dangerous toxins derived from dangerous organisms, safely in a container. (Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don’t hurt anybody! Live and work for peace!)
Step Three: Attach the container (containing the dangerous organisms, and/or dangerous toxins derived from dangerous organisms) to a dissemination device (such as a high explosive – though I strongly advise against it). (Official Disclaimer: Be careful! Don’t hurt anybody! Live and work for peace!)
Step Four: Congratulations, you now have a biological weapon. (Official Disclaimer: For God’s sake, be careful! Don’t hurt anybody! Live and work for peace!)
* Conspiracy Poetry
Conspiracy poetry I can both confirm and deny it’s true: When you think you’re assassinating me I’ve already assassinated you
* Preface: Not long ago I wrote a collection of Haiku poems about life at the CIA, which collection I entitled 'Spaiku.' It is masterful. 'Spaiku' received considerable press coverage around the world (much of which was favorable), and I therefore didn’t get rich from it. Which reminds me of the following joke: If I have seen farther than others, it's because I was standing on the shoulders of that guy who said, "If I have seen farther than others, it's because I was standing on the shoulders of giants." I could say more about all this, and believe me, I have.
Spaiku Too By The Covert Comic
~ CIA Zen koan: In each military coup See the nothingness
~ Drive-Baiku
Armies on the march Murder, rape, looting. Damn, must Be peacetime again
~ Operation Exploding Freedom: Over a Taliban Tank In a Magic Flying Death Carpet
Life is a poem Now the bad news: your poem Is a haiku ... blam
~ Koan Head
What if everyone Knew everything, then some guy Came selling secrets?
We are so damn free
* Preface: An incredible coincidence occurred the other day. I read a poem and learned thereby, that it was similar to one I had written long since.
The Roads Taken By The Covert Comic
Two roads converged in a yellow wood And pleased to find I’d traveled both And been two travelers, brief I stood And looked down both as far as I could To where they forked in the overgrowth Then didn’t take one or the other, as even more fair And having even better claim Because both were less grassy now, not wanting wear Indeed, for that my passing there Had made both very much the same And both that afternoon equally lay In leaves many steps had now trod black Oh, I didn’t keep one for another day! For learning how way leads on to way I found that I had circled back
So now I tell with twinkling eye Twenty-seven minutes since Two roads diverged in a wood, and I I took them both and learned thereby It really makes no difference
* Preface: Remember, I have a degree in Mathematics. So you know I’m qualified to write poetry.
The Law of the Excluded Middle By John ‘Excluded Middle’ King
Never piddle With the Law of the Excluded Middle Otherwise the shiddle Really hit the fan
* BioPoetry
I know it’s a source of controversy I know it’s opposed by the Papacy But thanks to biotechnology I can look in the mirror and see A brand new me Or three
* Eyes Only By The Covert Comic
And the safe house was safe And our words were Eyes Only And the brush pass had been made And our hearts were pounding And the window shone white silver And the other window didn’t And we rattled the bed frame in code And the message was top secret
When is a safe house safe? When there’s nobody from CIA in it That’s what the Security guy always told us Which I guess implies It was a safe safe house ’Cause our two bodies work for State Department And oh yes, this poem is indeed encrypted Only one other agent could possibly decipher it But, you object, you think you know its meaning? Well, maybe you’re that agent In which case you also know
That the brush pass had been made And the street would soon be quiet And the window shone white silver And the other window didn’t And regimes would fall Because of this covert action And the safe house was safe And our words were Eyes Only
*
Chomsky Before
Chomsky Even More Before
Preface: I know what you’re thinking: ‘Noam Chomsky?! What the hell is a ‘Noam Chomsky?!’’ In the ‘spirit’ of linguistics, let me answer thus: Noam Chomsky is a Noam Chomsky is a Noam Chomsky. By the way, the word ‘linguistics’ is derived from the Latinism 'lingua' which, among other things, means ‘tongue.’ Need I say more? I thought so. OK, here’s more.
Pornology of the Life of Noam Chomsky By John Alejandro King
1928: Chomsky born in Germany Or Minnesota, or both
1933: Family forced to leave Germany by the Nazis Or forced to leave Nazis by the Germans Or Minnesota, or both
1936: Probably something about New Deal Anti-Fascist Socialist International And some oppressed Worker Beating a dog
1939: And there's got to be an Early Influence Some Woman named Gold Man, or something And young Noam utters several words, thereby demonstrating An early aptitude for language
1943: Talks about volunteering For military service in World War II Only to be told: 'It's all language'
1950's: Red Scare Blacklisting Followed shortly by Black Scare Redlisting And Chomsky feels inner rumblings Portending momentous insight: US Government policy Often favors rich people
1960: First learns of 'linguistics' While tongue kissing in Latin class ... I guess you had to be there
1961: Small, wrinkled human Emerges from Wisconsin vagina Won't happen again for at least five decades Chomsky not responsible Though you have to admit: That's one hell of a story
1962: Publishes first article on linguistics First article consists of the word the (Yeah, those FBI guys didn't laugh at that joke either ... Sorry)
1962 and 1/2: Becomes internationally famous As well he should
1963: Does not assassinate JFK But does criticize him a little
1964: Appears on the Ed Sullivan Show Famous 'hip-shaking linguistics' incident Forever barred from analyzing language On family television
1965: Can't get no satisfaction But does give great linguistics
1968: Time of great social ferment Society begins to rot, turn into moonshine Chomsky publishes book on linguistic theory Makes radical claim But owing to the nature of language Nobody can really know what the claim is
1970: Seriously You better Stop the War Or We'll elect a conservative whore After this decade is out
1980: Please Restore the War As soon as possible Also, Chomsky receives a Guggenheim Or Nazi Germany Or Minnesota, or both
1986: Interviewed on National Public Radio Introduces new concept in linguistics: The Theory of Central America Shows, via linguistic analysis Poems by Republicans Cannot exist
1954: Uses linguistics To travel back in time Changes name to 'Noam Chomsky' Quips: "A name is a life sentence ... Get it?"
1990's: Did somebody say something? Hard times for linguists
2112: Interviewed on National Public Mind Meld Comments on new trends In thought transference And the future of linguistic theory In a tongueless society And who really blew up the World Trade Center? Chomsky declares: US Government policy Frequently makes him puke
2222: Finally acknowledges What biographers have long suspected: 'Noam Chomsky' is one hilarious sounding name Especially for a linguist
January 3047: Refuses to annihilate all women Though he has developed the powers to do so
Fall 3047: Awarded the Nobel Prize for Comedy® In famous thought-speech renouncing linguistics Intellectualizes the now famous quote: 'I am finished with tongue-tonguing'
95862 'K': Council of the Great Attractor Officially declares Chomsky Inexplicably still alive, possibly immortal 'Though only time will tell ... Probably' Hey, it's not Chomsky's fault The whole damn cosmos And by extension, linguistics Amount to a corny-ass joke
Eternity: This shadow sun Would that it were breathing But I have seen it beat, like a heartthrob More than once in these score and twenty years
* A Poem About Martin Luther King
One of these days I’ve got to remember To write a poem About Martin Luther King
* I Love You World Trade Center (Reprise) If the Government says you're crazy And you actually hear the Government say this Then probably the Government is right
* Preface: See? I told you I would win the Nobel Prize!
Einstein's General Poem of Relativity
If you reach into everything At the speed of light It will seem to an observer That you have no height, and no width, and no length
And if you reach into everything At the speed of light It will seem to an observer That you possess no mass
And if you reach into everything At the speed of light It will seem to an observer That you have no end, and no beginning
But as for how to reach into everything At the speed of light Einstein's General Poem Of Relativity advises: Have no height, and no width, and no length And possess no mass And have no beginning And have no end
CIA Destroys Universe To Test New Theory (Note: image only simulated - not really happening)
* That Poem!
That poem! I want that poem! That poem over there The one like a hippie girl’s hair The one that’s off-color And hangs different from the others
That poem! No, not that poem … that poem! The one just below the sonnet The one with no price tag on it And the middle two ends that don’t fit right Can’t you see the one I’m pointing at?
That poem! Yeah! That poem! How much is that poem?
… What? You gotta be joking … For that piece of loony verse?! What have you been smoking! You want all the money in the universe For that poem?!
Preface: 'The Nobel Prize for Comedy®' is a registered trademark of The Covert Comic®.
Acceptance Speech On the Occasion of Having Been Awarded The Nobel Prize for Comedy® The Covert Comic® Comic Laureate of the United States Intelligence Community (a.k.a. 'USIC'®)
Thank you Thank you very much [Coughing slightly, to clear my existence]
How could I have suspected When I claimed I was a stand-up comedian working for the CIA That one day I would discover This is actually true?
Thank you Thank you very much
Many things are needed To solve a society's problems For example, you need a society And you need some problems
Thank you Thank you very much
People are usually surprised When I tell them I'm the Dalai Lama
Everyone's funny when I’m drunk And everyone's drunk when I’m funny
Another thing to say to impress your date: Nice personalities - are they real?
Lamp you Damp your very touch
Historians write that history is written by the victors Gee, who would have thought historians would write this?
'A woman's work is never done?' And whose point does that prove?
Speaking of working women: One way to spice up the Miss America Pageant: Have the winner spin a wheel, and if her state comes up She instantly becomes President of the U.S.
Tramp you Gramps you barely suck
In the beginning, there was nothing Then God said: Let this be destroyed
Wait a minute, you mean it's legal to be homeless?! ... And all this time I've been getting up every morning and going to work?!
Top Secret Codeworld: The theory of solipsism is true We're all one paranoid schizophrenic But then, I already knew that And so did I
Thank me Wank me very much
In closing I'd like to say: The joke's on you, Mississippi! I wrote this entire poem With a boner!
Thank you No really, I mean it Thank you very, very much!
* Thanks for reading Cointelprose, the latest book of classified poetry from The Covert Comic! I hope you enjoyed it (especially given that, if you did enjoy it, you're probably now in possession of extremely high security clearances - which fact I and similarly cleared intel officers consider a good and valuable thing). Unlike in my previous literary efforts, I’m not going to request that this work of mine be made into a commercially successful feature length motion picture. No, this time I've decided to try a new approach, and command that this happen. Accordingly, you (whoever you are - even if you currently have nothing to do with the film or publishing industries) are hereby commanded: Make my book into a commercially successful feature length motion picture. Naturally, it goes without saying (though just to be on the safe side I think I'll go ahead and say it anyway): You are also commanded to pay me a lot of money for the film rights. As always, I promise to donate a monstrously large portion (probably all) of the profits to needy people. (Yeah lady, I know you're offended - so what else is new?) As for how to gauge whether this new promotional strategy of mine is successful, I recommend consulting the movie section of newspapers regularly and looking for ads that contain images of people with sunglasses and no mouth. Thanks again!
The Covert Comic. Read him while you still can't!
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