My War On Terror

Got up this morning and checked the Department of Homeland Security's latest Terror Alert. Reviewed the list of Frequently Asked Questions on their web site. Was particularly amused by the question: Why duct tape and plastic sheeting? Imagined many humorous answers to this question must be possible.

Tuesday, 29 July 2003

Read some classified Defense Intelligence Agency reporting on terrorism. Scary stuff. Sure hope terrorists never attack the United States.

Wednesday, 30 July 2003

I was celebrating diversity this morning while driving to work, when suddenly I noticed a guy who might be a terrorist. He wasn't, though.

While scanning potential terrorist web sites, had the following insight: The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a Government building.

Thursday, 31 July 2003

Spent the afternoon combing the latest study on differences between male and female attitudes toward sex. Noted that there just doesn't seem to be any potential comedy material there.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Friday, 1 August 2003

Then again, if there was a place like home, how would you know the difference?

Killed a terrorist who was scaling the wall of our townhouse.

Saturday, 2 August 2003

Drove the whole family to Georgetown. Was constantly on the alert for terrorism, but all I saw were some guys with machine guns.

Returned home, helped my wife put the kids to bed. Read some Internet quote sites. Reflected on the fact that the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen, and quotes about hydrogen and stupidity.

Sunday, 3 August 2003

Played with the kids. Read an article in the Washington Post about anti-war feminists who reportedly have called for a 'sex strike' by women to protest the occupation of Iraq. Was surprised to learn that women weren't on sex strike already.

Went to bed early. Need to be well rested so I can get up tomorrow before dawn and resume ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 4 August 2003

At this morning's staff meeting, I had the following inspiration: Instead of fighting terrorism, maybe we should try harnessing terrorism and using it for good rather than evil.

Made a note to keep working with this idea - maybe take it to the folks in tech ops.

Tuesday, 5 August 2003

Read a study that claimed a baby's brain development can be slowed by a mother's vegan diet.

Fine, but which mother's vegan diet?

By the way, my own mother used to be a vegan, believe it or not.

While practicing watchfulness against terrorism on the way to work, I had the following thought: You can hijack a couple of our jetliners, but we'll hijack your whole country.

Think I'll send this slogan to the people at Homeland Security. You never know, they might decide to use it in one of their posters.

Wednesday, 6 August 2003

Was relaxing on the sofa after work and thinking, 'there's no place like home,' when this strange woman walked into the living room, looked at me and started screaming. Which made me think that maybe there are, in fact, some places like home.

It appears that international terrorism is starting to get to some of my colleagues at Langley. For instance, I asked an analyst this afternoon if he had any opinion on the relationship between terrorism and hydrogen (the most common element in the universe), and the poor guy started trembling. Clearly, the War On Terror has put a lot of strain on everybody.

Thursday, 7 August 2003

A possible solution to the Israeli-Palestinian problem: Palestinians would be permitted to attack Israel all they want, and Israel would be free to respond militarily. This could work, people.

Had a long talk with my wife this evening. In doing so I made an important discovery: Just because women say they want men to talk about their innermost desires, doesn't mean women actually want men to get their innermost desires. (Incidentally, I didn't get my innermost desire tonight.)

Also, thought about terrorism.

Friday, 8 August 2003

I remember when I was a boy, swimming down at the swimming hole, fishing down at the fishing hole, getting my first sex down at the sex hole.

Captured a terrorist this afternoon as he was parachuting onto the deck of our townhouse. There are some additional details, but they're classified. God knows why.

Saturday, 9 August 2003

Took the kids swimming so my wife could have the afternoon off. While I was watching TV a news report came on about some new terrorist act, and the upshot was I almost had to go into the office on a weekend.

Which made me think: if you commit terrorism on a weekend, the punishment should be doubled.

No, make that tripled.

Sunday, 10 August 2003

Sat at home with the wife, reading the newspaper while the kids played in the backyard. Did you know there are Islamic terrorists in Russia? Not only that, but these Russian Islamic terrorists don't want to blow up the United States ... they want to blow up Russia! I guess this makes sense, in a weird kind of way.

Gonna take a couple of aspirin and turn in early. Need to be bright and bushy-tailed tomorrow when I begin anew ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 11 August 2003

Got a major scare this morning when it appeared I was being sent TDY to Baghdad. Not that I wouldn't go in a minute, you understand. But given what happened when I was in Lafghanistan two years ago, well, let's just say that everybody in the office (your humble intel officer included) was pretty relieved when the whole Iraq TDY thing turned out to be a big misunderstanding.

After lunch I had a great idea, which I duly forwarded to a buddy of mine on the Iraq Task Force: We organize a 'flash mob' in Tikrit and invite Saddam Hussein to show up.

Sure it's a long shot. But hey, you never know.

Tuesday, 12 August 2003

OK, so maybe it was a dirty trick. Today I had some of my contractors hack an overseas Islamic fundamentalist web site linked to Al Qaeda. The web site had this saying at the top of every page: Allah protect us.

... So I had my contractors capitalize the last two letters.

Wednesday, 13 August 2003

Before you go marching up to the roof with a rifle like the voices in your head are commanding you to, ask a few questions first, like: 'Should I bring ammunition?'

Remember last year when they had that 'election' in Iraq? Eleven million people voted, and Saddam Hussein received all eleven million votes. My God, even the Communists didn't use to get 100 per cent!

The only way to win an election by a greater margin than Saddam Hussein in Iraq is to be a Democratic candidate in the city of Chicago.

Kind of a slow day in the War On Terror, although they did open a new Wal-Mart near my house, which I think should count as progress.

Thursday, 14 August 2003

Every problem I create is potentially a solution to some other problem.

Reading about how great Canada's health care system is, I had the following insight: Why don't we invade Canada and take it?

Also, thought about terrorism.

Friday, 15 August 2003

If I was Albert Einstein, instead of calling it the Theory Of General Relativity, I'd call it the Theory Of Me Kicking My Asshole Brother In The Face.

But if you told me, 'You wouldn't really call it that, you're just angry at your brother right now,' I'd probably say, 'You're right, I wouldn't call it the Theory Of Me Kicking My Asshole Brother In The Face. I'd call it the Theory Of You Shutting The Hell Up And Minding Your Own Goddamn Business.'

My beautiful wife zapped a terrorist this morning; she found him hiding in the dirty clothes hamper. Gotta love that wife o' mine!

Saturday, 16 August 2003

Isn't it neat the way home improvement stores will let you spend the whole day there practicing sawing lumber?

Took the kids swimming for a second straight Saturday (my beautiful wife is building out our basement, and needs to be undisturbed for many hours at a time ... hey, I can do this).

While the kids were splashing around, I read in the weekend Washington Post about the ransoming of those European hostages in North Africa this past week. Looking over the photos, it occurred to me that Europeans have at least one advantage when it comes to terrorism: If you're a European and you get taken hostage for several months, when you're finally freed you'll look and smell pretty much the same as when you were first captured.

Sunday, 17 August 2003

As part of my volunteer work at church, spent the entire morning and afternoon manning a suicide hotline. Learned the following about suicide hotlines today: you're supposed to tell people not to kill themselves.

As you can probably imagine, it's been a fairly eventful day, meaning I need to turn in now and get plenty of rest for tomorrow, when I write a thrilling new chapter in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 18 August 2003

Wait, you mean the Middle East has oil?!

Working as I do in the Government, I've learned to recognize when Government officials engage in 'doublespeak.' For instance, this morning I read that the new Coalition military governor for Iraq says he "won't discuss the future."

But think about it: If he says he won't discuss the future, isn't he discussing the future?

Speaking of Iraq, I read in the Washington Post that many Iraqi school children now carry automatic weapons to class. Which tells me that our efforts to Americanize Iraqi society aren starting to bear fruit.

Tuesday, 19 August 2003

It's kind of an embarrassing thing to have to admit, but the fact is, not only have I never actually been exploited and oppressed by multinational corporations, I myself am a multinational corporation.

Got positive reactions at work today when I proposed we ask for covert ops funding to fight terrorism in space. Not sure at this point how terrorism in space would actually happen; maybe we can get research funding to look at that.

Wednesday, 20 August 2003

Driving to work today, heard a famous quote by Oscar Wilde on the radio: Most people are other people.

Reflected that, if anything, this may actually be an understatement.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday, 21 August 2003

All too often CIA is the big wet friendly dog of international espionage.

Has there been a new terrorist attack? This evening at the shopping mall there seemed to be more people dying from nerve agent than usual.

Friday, 22 August 2003

It's now estimated that by the year 2023, the words 'neurotic' and 'New Yorker' will have become indistinguishable in pronunciation.

I read in the newspaper that scientists now believe an ancient meteorite leveled much of present day Wisconsin.

Probably that's why we haven't heard from my grandma in Madison for over a week.

Saturday, 23 August 2003

Drove the wife and kids out to Manassas Battlefield this afternoon. Read the weekend Washington Post while they (the kids) ran around.

You know, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's biased journalism. For example, we're always reading that the United States has 5% of the world's population yet consumes 25% of the world's oil reserves. But what hardly ever gets mentioned is that OPEC countries contain 10% of the world's people, and produce half the world's oil.

Which, if you think about it, can only mean one thing: America is keeping all these people from starving.

The point is, how about some balanced reporting on this topic, folks?

Oh, and while we're on the subject, how about those OPEC countries start producing more oil, you know, so the United States can buy more and help even more people in OPEC countries!

Sunday, 24 August 2003

At church today, our priest asked us why we call Jesus 'Savior.'

I stood up and said that we call Jesus 'Savior' because, when you really need Him, He'll be there to 'Savior' rear end.

Our priest was visibly moved.

I think I'll have a glass of wine, watch a little baseball, and then go to bed. I want to get in to work a little early tomorrow. I feel some major inspirations coming on, exciting new stratagems that will enable me to open up bold new fronts in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 25 August 2003

Have you ever been up so early in the morning that reality itself seems utterly transformed?

For example, this morning I went in to work around 1:30 a.m. to oversee the release of the latest version of a classified web application I'm managing.

Around 2:30 a.m., as I was surfing the Net waiting for the install to be completed, I saw this headline: Terrorist Bombing In India Kills 12, Injures Over 100.

About an hour later I checked again and saw a new headline: Terrorist Bombing In India Kills 27, Injures Over 250.

Less than 30 minutes after that I read: Terrorist Bombing In India Kills At Least 55, Injures Hundreds.

At that point I was thinking, "Man, there sure are a lot of terrorist bombings in India this morning."

Later, of course, I reflected on it, and figured that it was most likely the same terrorist bombing in India, but with updated casualty figures. The point is, reality just seems different somehow when you get up really early.

Tuesday, 26 August 2003

It's not that Paul McCartney isn't a leg man, it's just that he isn't a legs man.

Instead of having our nation cower in fear every September 11th in anticipation of some new terrorist attack, why not drop one huge bomb, unannounced, on a Middle East city each year on that date? We'd be taking an active, rather than reactive, approach to homeland security, plus we'd be commemorating 9/11 at the same time!

Think I'll suggest this idea to the folks at Homeland Security. You never know, I met get an award or something.

Wednesday, 27 August 2003

Driving to the office this morning, heard a quote on the local left-wing radio station, attributed to punk singer Jello Biafra:

Don't hate the media, become the media.

Reflected that, if you replace the word 'media' with 'secret Government intelligence complex,' you have a pretty accurate description of my life.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday, 28 August 2003

This morning at work they had a contest for slogans to encourage people to learn CPR. My entry: 'CPR. It's the second best thing you can do to a body that isn't breathing.'

Captured two terrorists, cleverly disguised in white short-sleeved business shirts and ties, riding bicycles, who attempted to enter my home and forcibly convert my family and I to some bizarre new form of radical Islam.

They're tied up in our attic now. Haven't decided what to do with these jokers just yet.

Friday, 29 August 2003

I guess I'm just lucky, because the voices in my head are always commanding me not to kill the President.

How about a video game where people engage in a peaceful, rational, non-confrontational debate on the issue of video game violence? And no, I'm not going to offer the rather adolescent suggestion that the winner be the person who 'zaps' the greatest number of opposing debaters. Instead, the winner could enlighten other participants on the issue of video game violence. This enlightenment could be symbolically represented by a flash of light, which would indicate a change in mindset (then maybe, since they no longer held an opposing viewpoint and therefore wouldn't be needed in the game anymore, the other debaters could simply disappear).

Saturday, 30 August 2003

My wife resumed work on her home improvement projects today (translation: she wants to be left alone for several hours at a time). So I drove the kids out to Front Royal to see the mountains.

Watching my children run around, and reflecting on the serenity of life outside the Beltway, I realized how much I'm missing by working a job that's extremely interesting (and pays really well), but only allows me to see my kids for fifteen minutes on weekdays.

I mean, I want to see my kids for at least twenty minutes on weekdays.

Sunday, 31 August 2003

My wife and I drove a big load of old household appliances to the dump this afternoon, which believe it or not, we both found kind of enjoyable. Driving home afterwards, basking in that subtle but unmistakable afterglow that accompanies the everyday activities of two people in love, I had this thought:

Is there a pill my wife can take that'll make her do something that makes me want to try Viagra?

Well, if there is, it ain't gonna happen tonight. I must turn in early this evening, so that tomorrow morning I can creep into the office before dawn, largely unnoticed, and once again semi-surreptitiously resurrect ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 1 September 2003

No work today! This being the Labor Day holiday, I drove the family to DC and we walked around on the Mall. Naturally I remained vigilant against terrorism the entire time (OK, there were a couple of times I forgot to be vigilant against terrorism, but only for a few seconds - I'd estimate that at least 99.8% of the time I was vigilant against terrorism).

One thing I find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don't see me flaunting it in public like that.

Tuesday, 2 September 2003

Wrote up an ops plan today for a covert action. My idea: raise CIA credibility around the world by having the Agency rescue an endangered species. I'm not sure which endangered species the CIA should rescue, or even if it's possible. If rescuing an endangered species proves overly difficult, then I suggest in my ops plan that the Agency use computer graphics to generate a notional endangered species (a cute little furry one with big, round eyes) that we could claim we've rescued.

If this concept of mine doesn't fly at Langley, I'll probably send it over to Homeland Security. Who knows, I might even get my own task force.

Wednesday, 3 September 2003

Driving to work this morning, pondered the following philosophical riddle:

If you were a really good lawyer, and you sued the law school you attended for your money back, should you win or lose the case?

Also, thought about non-terrorism.

Thursday, 4 September 2003

Scared away a terrorist this evening who was crouching above the sliding door of our deck. Judging from its large, distended abdomen, I suspect this terrorist was a female carrying an egg sack. At first I was going to kill it, but I ended up just tearing down its web and chasing it off the deck with my foot. I mean, who's to say that the offspring of a terrorist will also be a terrorist? And this is the United States of America, after all.

Friday, 5 September 2003

When watching TV police dramas set in New York City, if you look carefully you can actually see real crimes being committed in the background.

Some State Department Weenie called this morning asking for a cover 'Welcome Cable' to be written for one of our counterterrorism folks going out to some embassy (like people at the embassy are going to pay any attention to a welcome cable about someone they know darn well they're never going to meet). The phone conversation went something like this:

State Weenie: Can you please write this cable for me?

Your humble intel officer: Consider it done.

State Weenie: Great. When will you do it?

Your humble intel officer: I'm not going to do it. Nobody's going to do it. Just consider it done.

At which point the State Weenie began acting even more State-Weenie-like. So I wrote a cable and sent it to him. The cable basically said, 'Welcome.' I didn't hear back, so I guess this particular 'dip' was satisfied.

You know, as one who has actually carried out real intelligence ops (and probably even saved a few innocent people's lives in the process), I believe one absolute requirement for a security clearance should be a sense of humor. I mean, the War On Terror is far too important to be taken seriously.

Saturday, 6 September 2003

Crisis in the Middle East: Day 2,483,937.

Drove the wife and kids to Solomon's Island. Strolled around on the boardwalk and had ice cream. As usual, read the weekend Washington Post to find out what I did to indigenous Third World peasant women this past week. Looks like I didn't do anything particularly controversial. Hey, short work week due to the holiday.

Sunday, 7 September 2003

Today my beautiful wife asked me if I thought we should have a fourth child. I said I thought it was an excellent idea, because this way, if a couple of our kids died, we'd still have two left.

Well, it's evening now, and it looks like my wife has a headache, so I guess we'll be turning in early. Which is all for the best really, since I want to get in to work as early as possible tomorrow morning. I'm already starting to cook up concepts for some exciting new intel ops, ops that will enable me to increasingly press the strategic advantage in ... My War On Terror!®

Monday, 8 September 2003

This week they're having a World Trade Organization meeting in Cancun, Mexico (man, those International Labor Ops people down the hall here at CIA HQS really know how to party!).

Probably my buddy in Latin America Division will lose yet another bet over Tequila shots, and he'll have to agree to let another anti-Globalization riot happen. I'm assuming they won't let something utterly weird take place, you know, like the Mexican government getting overthrown. I mean, people could get fired for that.

Speaking of riots against capitalism and stuff, every time I hear about protestors burning down a McDonalds restaurant, I always imagine some hippie standing in the smoking ruins, noticing a Big Mac lying on the floor, picking it up and taking a bite, and saying, 'Gee, these aren't bad.'

Maybe McDonalds could run a TV ad like this, you know, to put a human, pro-Globalization touch on the whole anti-Globalization issue.

Tuesday, 9 September 2003

Thomas Watson reportedly said in 1943: "I think there's a world market for maybe five computers."

Talk about naive. I mean, do you know even two people who want to own a computer?!

It is said: A government big enough to give you everything you want, is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.

I say: A government big enough to take from you everything you have, is a government that's too big to prevent you from getting a job in it, and taking everything you want.

I mean, c'mon people, they're paying me to write this stuff!

Wednesday, 10 September 2003

Listened to the news on the radio while driving in to Headquarters this morning. Whenever I hear about Muslims and Jews slaughtering each other, I think: ‘Man, I’m sure glad I don’t live in New Jersey.’

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday, 11 September 2003

Used a stun gun to subdue a couple of Middle Eastern (or possibly Latin) terrorists who had commandeered the roof of our local Wal-Mart, and were attempting to unfurl some sort of terrorist banner. The banner said something like: 'Remember September 11!' No doubt they intended to glorify that awful terrorist act for propaganda purposes.

Not surprisingly, the response of local, state and Federal authorities to my cell phone call reporting this incident was extremely rapid. At first the authorities were understandably perturbed, though when I showed them my Government ID (and it became clear that the terrorists weren't US citizens) they calmed down somewhat.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not looking for any sort of official recognition for this deed of mine. On the contrary, I'd like to think that every American who supports the War On Terror would have acted similarly in my place.

Friday, 12 September 2003

Nietzsche wrote: A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. (My understanding is that Nietzsche regularly took casual strolls through lunatic asylums.)

It turns out that, according to certain provisions of the Patriot Act, if CIA can manage to get the FBI officially declared a terrorist organization, we at CIA can legally spy on Bureau employees all we want. Among the implications for your humble intel officer: I could finally stop worrying about what will happen if they ever find that covert web cam I installed in the women's locker room at FBI Headquarters two years ago.

The point is, unintentionally vague passages and typos notwithstanding, this US intelligence official believes that the Patriot Act is fundamentally good for America.

Saturday, 13 September 2003

My wife can confirm that Lamaze doesn't really help that much when you're trying to give birth. And I can confirm that it doesn't really help that much when you're trying to get sex, either.

While my beautiful wife was installing a new cable modem connection in our computer room this morning, I took the kids out for a walk around the neighborhood. Stealing a moment now and then to glance at the weekend Washington Post, I noticed a science article that claimed penguins mate for life.

Which raises for me the question: How do scientists know it's the same penguin?

For that matter, how do penguins know it's the same penguin?

Sunday, 14 September 2003

At church today our priest led a discussion about the situation in Iraq. At one point he posed the famous rhetorical question: What if they held a war and nobody came?

I raised my hand and said: "Well, Father, I guess she'd have to find a new line of work."

As the priest and parishioners stared backed at me, I said: "Wait, did you say war? Oops, I thought you said something else."

Obviously I was taking a bit of a chance here, you know, that God has a well-developed sense of humor.

... And a security clearance, of course (not that these things are any different, praise God).

All the more reason for your humble spook to turn in early this evening, so that, on the off chance our Lord in Heaven is a little miffed by my joke at church today, I can arise fresh and rested tomorrow morning, and hopefully get back in His good graces by resuming ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 15 September 2003

Found a note on my desk this morning informing me I was being summoned before the Inquisition. Yep, turns out your humble spook has ticked off CIA Counterintelligence yet again (by the way, I'm sorry to report that, most of the time at least, CIA Counterintelligence is not a contradiction in terms).

My sin, according to Counterintel: several months ago, after briefing (at my management's direction) a number of state and local disaster response officials about what CIA is doing to provide useful information to them, I actually provided useful information to them. Following my briefing I gave several of these officials (all of whom had been cleared to attend the function) copies of a totally unclassified database, compiled by some consultants I've been managing, containing info on identification and decontamination of dangerous chemical and biological substances.

So now the Counterintelligence folks have got some junior officer making the usual threats about Memos and Investigations and Up To And Including Possible Termination, etc., etc.

As if such pedestrian scare tactics could possibly faze an old veteran of the War On Terror.

Tuesday, 16 September 2003

Even though I'm an intelligence official, or perhaps because I'm an intelligence official, I often get ideas, the implications of which extend far beyond ordinary intelligence per se.

For example, here's an idea I've been preparing to submit to NASA for some time now:

Instead of spending billions of dollars developing methods to counteract G-forces during takeoff, why not simply have astronauts sit facing backwards?

No, don't call me a renaissance man. Call me a renaissance person.

Thank you.

Wednesday, 17 September 2003

One thing Hitler was right about, though: it is hard to eat just one potato chip.

Listened to a left-wing radio station on the drive to work this morning. My question: What's all this talk about 'Free to bet?' Hey, if you want to be free to bet, move to Las Vegas.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday, 18 September 2003

Killed a terrorist who attacked our townhouse during Hurricane Isabel. The terrorist was cleverly disguised as a small tree from our backyard who 'happened' to be uprooted by the storm, and who smashed up against the side of our home. Have to give the poor bastard credit for being so patient and waiting all these years for his moment to strike. Fortunately he did no serious damage. I'll probably chop him up for firewood this weekend. I believe that's permitted under the Geneva Convention.

Friday, 19 September 2003

We criticize Fascists for burning books, but have you ever actually read a book? Most of them are really pretty horrible.

I'm going to be honest about it: I have absolutely no idea what happened today. And while I'd love to explore the intelligence implications of this fact, unfortunately anything else I say on the matter would probably be classified.

Saturday, 20 September 2003

With power finally restored this afternoon following the hurricane, I sat at home and watched TV with the kids while the wife grilled chicken tenders that had thawed during the outage. At one point, as I viewed an old Three Stooges film, I reflected that, technically speaking, the film could be thought of as a very early Star Wars prequel.

Sunday, 21 September 2003

Einstein said: The important thing is not to stop questioning.

I say: Then what's the important thing?

Instead of merely reporting what I read in the weekend Washington Post, I think I'll start reporting what I'd like to read in the weekend Washington Post.

War On Terror

Headline of the Week:

New Saddam Tape Urges Calm, Introspection

'Be More Like Swedes' Instructs Deposed Iraqi Leader

Speaking of which, I think I'll go to bed now. Need to be well rested, so I'll have plenty of strength in the event I find out tomorrow that I'm in even deeper trouble with CIA Counterintelligence for waging ... My War On Terror!®

Monday 22 September 2003

God, has this been a long month or what? And there's still over a week to go! Although I can't talk much about it, I've been managing an insanely large classified web project for which, as usual, the customer (a major agency in the US Intelligence Community, or 'USIC,' as I like to call it) has changed their requirements, oh, about 50,000 times.

... And nobody's even thought about how we're supposed to get all that 4-dimensional data from Area 51 entered into the database.

Just kidding about the last part (mostly).

Tuesday 23 September 2003

If Hitler had been captured instead of committing suicide following World War II, I think executing him would have been morally justified. On the other hand, I think it would be OK to let Hitler continue to play pro basketball while his case was being heard (but only if he actually was a pro basketball player, as historians clearly seem to suggest).

Haven't heard anything this week from CIA Counterintelligence (CIA Counterintelligence - not a contradiction in terms, I'm genuinely sorry to say) regarding my 'potential security violation' in giving unclassified chem-bio decontamination software to some cleared civil defense officials several weeks ago. But God knows what those organisms in CI may be brewing up even as we speak.

Wouldn't it be great if they put me on trial? I mean, my God, what a platform for My War On Terror! And what a transformation of society that would inevitably follow, once I disclosed, under oath and to the amassed media of the world, what I've learned during my time as a fully cleared covert intelligence officer, namely, that the Kingdom of Terror is within you.

Wednesday 24 September 2003

Driving to work this morning, heard a report on the radio about a 'smart' gun that records who fired it. Which got me to thinking: How about a really smart gun that doesn't fire in the first place?

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 25 September 2003

Soundly thrashed a terrorist who attempted to sell my wife and I a minivan with a bomb planted under the chassis. I know there was a bomb there because of the slimy, dishonest comportment of this 'auto sales professional' (in reality, a terrorist). Lucky for him I didn't drive over and crush his helpless, stun-gun-immobilized body as we were leaving the car lot.

Friday 26 September 2003

Read an interesting passage from The Secret Life of Salvador Dali:

Beginning in 1940, Dali came to consider the eccentric period as closed, and thought it time for the world to enter upon an era of fasting and austerity.

To me, this passage highlights an essential problem of history: how to convey meaning from one generation to the next. I mean, does anybody today have the slightest clue what 'the world' was? One thing I can say for sure, based on my exhaustive studies of ancient literature: whatever 'the world' was, people in the old days sure had lots of opinions about it.

Saturday 27 September 2003

Drove the whole family to the bookstore this evening. At one point, while I was playing with our baby boy on the carpet in the children's book section, I saw my wife staring at some good-looking guy across the store. I think it was the way she suddenly averted her gaze when he looked up, that told me she was surprised to find herself having feelings of attraction for another man.

... Especially after the four guys she already had earlier this week.

OK, not really. But she did look at the man, which of course made me curious. So I did a little 'checking out' of my own, and I ascertained that Prince Charming was married. The bad news for me: his wife was butt ugly.

Sunday 28 September 2003

War On Terror

Headline of the Week:

FDA Issues Fatwa: 'Kill Harmful Bacteria Everywhere You Find Them In The World'

Sat at home with the wife and kids, watched a little NFL and read the weekend Washington Post. Noted yet another article on the failure of US intelligence to locate Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. Of course, this is only going to make it that much more embarrassing when the Agency finally comes out and discloses the truth: that 'Iraq' never actually existed.

In anticipation of that awful day of reckoning, I'm going to bed early. Besides, I want to wake up bright and chipper tomorrow, so I can drive in to work before sunrise and, Insha' Allah, unleash anew ... My War On Terror!®

Read The Covert Comic at work.

C'mon, who's gonna know?!

Monday 29 September 2003

Gave a briefing today on chem-bio defense to a group of tech ops officers. Got a good laugh when I told them, "Victims of nerve agents suffer acute paralysis, lose control of bodily functions, and exhibit severe twitching and convulsions. Sort of like me on my wedding night."

Tuesday 30 September 2003

Secret 516: If it ain't broke, claim you fixed it.

Stayed up 'till all hours getting our latest classified web release into production. While I'm not permitted to go into details, I'm pretty excited about this release because it contains new data and improved functionality that will make it easier to respond quickly to dangerous situations involving hazardous materials. For instance, there are instructions on how to identify and promptly dispose of Defense Intelligence Agency analyses (just kidding for the most part).

Wednesday 1 October 2003

Read the following quote, attributed to Mark Ardis:

A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.

Observed that if you print this statement in large enough font, it won't fit on a page of 8.5x11 inch paper.

Also, thought about terrorism.

Thursday 2 October 2003

I'm not claiming it's terrorism, but someone has been leaving dog feces in our front yard recently. Though my wife is against the idea, I'm thinking about purchasing several video cameras with infrared capability and covertly deploying them around the perimeter of our house, you know, to see if I can catch the culprits in the act. While I fully intend to keep an open mind throughout the investigation, I won't be a bit surprised if it turns out these 'little presents' on our lawn each morning are an attempt by the forces of international terrorism to warn your humble intel officer: 'Stop waging war on terror ... or else.'

Friday 3 October 2003

Actually, today is the 9,867th day of the rest of your life.

That guy from CIA Counterintelligence (CIA Counterintelligence: not a contradiction in terms, I'm genuinely sorry to say) called me this afternoon, apparently for the sole purpose of trying to make me feel bad about myself. Again, he failed.

The various security and counterintel types of the world can threaten me all they want for writing and posting intelligence jokes on my web site. The bottom line: it's going to be tough for them to get me fired because I deliver product of value to the Intelligence Community (and I've got the official awards to prove it!). Plus, I happen to have this thing called a lawyer. True, he's expensive as hell. But then, I don't have to pay my lawyer to protect me from the Government, the Government does. How, you may ask, did I manage to arrange this beautiful scam of mine? I didn't, of course ... my lawyer did!

I mean, sure, eventually they may find a way to revoke your humble intel officer's clearances and throw me out on the street like they're always threatening to do. In the meantime, however, I fully intend to carry out my job of fighting terror, and enjoy the ride.

Saturday 4 October 2003

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against storage. But this afternoon I had to question my wife's decision to cut a gaping hole in our guest bathroom wall in order to create yet another storage compartment. On the other hand, if terrorists ever attack our house again (as they've done at least three of the last six weeks), maybe our family can hide in there.

While taking care of the kids so my wife could work on this and other home improvement projects, I read in the weekend Washington Post about demonstrations in Spain this week for and against the occupation of Iraq.

Jesus Christ. As one who has Spanish blood, all I can say is: Who else but a Spaniard would demonstrate for and against something at the same time?!

Sunday 5 October 2003

You know how the Government has a Terrorism Alert Level? Well, today I got to thinking that maybe there should be other alert levels. For example, the following concepts could easily have alertness levels associated with them:

1. Non-Terrorism Alert Level

Comment: Although one might assume that a 'Non-Terrorism' Alert Level would simply be the opposite of the Terrorism Alert Level at a given moment, this isn't the case. On the contrary, it turns out that there are numerous scenarios in which an increase in the Government's Terrorism Alert Level could actually cause an individual's Non-Terrorism Alert Level to increase as well. This also applies for reduced alert levels.

2. Emotional Commitment Alert Level

Comment: This alert level would notify the user regarding their current degree of emotional commitment to a person, physical object, idea, etc. A word of warning: Do not attempt to use the Emotional Commitment Alert Level to measure your emotional commitment to the Emotional Commitment Alert Level, as this may cause the system to overload.

3. Reality Alert Level

Comment: The basic idea is that there would be a system that would alert users to how close their mindset was to reality. Levels would range from zero (infinitely far from reality) to one (infinitely close to reality), with the level of each user falling somewhere between these two extremes. One major problem requiring further research: in order to ensure that the Reality Alert Level is properly calibrated, it may be necessary to figure out what reality is.

Speaking of reality, I've got an important briefing to deliver tomorrow morning on weapons of mass destruction. Think I'll turn in now so I can get into the office early tomorrow and start working on one-liners about biotoxins. Hey, it's all part of my strategy for sewing confusion among the ranks of the enemy, a proven and invaluable tactical maneuver in ... My War On Terror!®

The Covert Comic.

Because there's a war on, moron.