My Resume or Everything I Know about the CIA and Elvis By John Alejandro King (Continued)

At this point I’d like to talk briefly about my education in mathematics. After I left Miss Thing and was contemplating what I should do with myself (I’ll speak more about my leaving Miss Thing later), I took some introductory-level economics courses at a community college. Occasionally I would go to the library there and look at books and journal articles about economic theory. When I did this I was impressed by the fact that these books and journal articles had lots of mathematical equations in them, which meant, of course, that I couldn’t understand them at all (I was only a couple of years out of high school). So then I thought that I would like to learn mathematics in order to be able to understand what the authors of those books and journal articles were saying. The problem was that I was scared to study mathematics because mathematics was difficult for me.

Well, there came a moment one rainy afternoon when I had a profound thought, and I knew the very moment I had this thought that my life was going to change forever. Here was my thought: "John, the fact that you’re afraid to study mathematics means that you should study mathematics." From that moment I resolved to become a mathematician, and needless to say, your humble applicant’s life would never be the same again.

The first thing I did was find an old high school algebra textbook that was lying around unused at my parent’s house. Over the next several months I read every single page of that book and did at least every second problem in the exercise sections. At the same time I took a course in geometry at a local community college. Having ceased to be a professional musician, I had gotten a job as a security guard and was working this job two or three nights a week, spending most of my remaining hours studying math. After laboring hard in the geometry course and getting an A, I took a course in trigonometry, studied that topic with equal fanaticism, and to my delight obtained an A in that course also.

One interesting thing that happened during this period was that, while I was thinking about which math courses to take at the community college, my father (who has Spanish blood) recommended that I study geometry and trigonometry at the same time. He told me "They use pretty much the same concepts, so taking these two courses simultaneously won’t be a problem, and you’ll become eligible that much more quickly to enroll in the more advanced math classes."

Now, I’m not saying that my father wasn’t right in telling me this (my father is right about everything, of course). But the fact is that your humble applicant JK was determined to learn mathematics The Right Way, which in this case meant studying geometry first and then studying trigonometry. Therefore, on this occasion I did the unthinkable and decided not to follow my pop’s advice. Later, after I got A’s in both subjects, he told me "You were right to take your time and do first things first." You see how wise my pop is?

So having done well in geometry and trigonometry, and having taught myself algebra, I now resolved to face that monster known as calculus. On my birthday my brother Walter and I went to a used book store in Palo Alto, and for a dollar ninety-eight cents he bought me as a birthday gift a book which I picked out from the math shelf there, a book called Quick Calculus. The authors of this book employ a very smart approach; they present only the most important concepts of calculus, using very simple language and with very little text on each page. As a result readers are able to move through the book rapidly, learn a lot of important concepts, and therefore feel like they’re making progress, which in turn causes them to want to keep reading. At least, that’s how it worked for me. Within a month or so of starting that book I understood most of the major ideas and procedures of calculus, and felt ready to study mathematics at the university level.

Have you heard about the aborigines in Australia and a thing they do called a walkabout? When an aborigine male reaches puberty he’s encouraged to leave his tribe and go far out into the desert and walk around there for a while. During this time the aborigine lives alone, learns how to take care of himself, and most importantly, just thinks about things. After many months, when the young aborigine decides that the moment is right, he goes back home and upon his return is declared a man by his fellow tribespeople. Well, let me tell you that your humble applicant JK’s university studies were really just an American version of a walkabout. What’s more, I was quite aware of this at the time. I remember frequently having the thought during those years, while doing homework or preparing for a test, "What you’re really doing is not so much homework or preparing for a test, what you’re really doing is walking around in the desert like an aborigine." Additionally I remember thinking during my time at the university that in the future I would look back fondly on the years I spent there studying (though I also remember telling myself on more than one occasion "I’ll also look back fondly on finishing my studies and getting the hell out of here!").

Let me share the following anecdote about my studies in mathematics: I hadn’t been at the university very long when I began to have trouble understanding some of the concepts in my Calculus II class (prior to this the math classes I took at the university had been pretty easy for me). Faced with the prospect of getting a bad grade, your humble applicant in desperation resorted to cheating on a test. I don’t mind telling you that I felt absolutely horrible about doing this, for two reasons. The first reason, of course, was that I was terrified of getting caught and being punished. The second and more important reason, however, was that I felt genuinely unhappy about cheating. I think what bothered me the most about cheating was that it amounted to a personal confession to myself that I wasn’t doing the job I had come to school to do, which was to learn mathematics. Even now, while writing about this episode, I get a distinctly uncomfortable feeling when I remember cheating on that Calculus II exam.

Here’s what your humble applicant did to solve the problem: I made a solemn vow that from that time on I would know the material in each and every class I took, so that cheating would never again be a temptation for me. I also made another vow, which was that if I didn’t know the material I would refrain from cheating anyway, and accept a bad grade as punishment for my failure to learn. I made these vows, and for the rest of my time at the university I really and truly lived by them.

What were the results of this new policy of mine? Well, in the first place, living by my vow to really know the material forced me to improve my methods of studying. For example, I learned to sift through the many facts and ideas in a course in order to identify the information that really mattered (you know, the information that would be on the exams), and to study that information in greater depth and detail. In addition I worked on and improved my capacity to listen, understand, and remember. In order to prepare myself for tests I learned to ‘visualize’ important facts, formulas, and concepts in my mind, and to write these on paper several times to solidify them in my memory. This method enabled me to go into any exam knowing that, if the professor wanted me to, I could write or talk intelligently for hours and hours about the topics on which I was being tested.

After I learned and employed these and other methods of studying, I never had trouble in another class. On the contrary, I took the most advanced courses and was frequently the top student in them. I achieved an extremely high grade point average (I ended up graduating with academic honors and was offered a scholarship to pursue a masters degree at that university). And of course, I learned mathematics. Even more important, I learned about business and life.

What, you may ask, did your humble applicant JK learn about business and life as a result of studying mathematics? Let me as usual answer this question by offering several principles:

First (and I mentioned this fact in the very beginning of my resume): Truths about life are applicable to business. Probably the most important things I learned while studying mathematics were things like how to ascertain what I need to do, how to know if I’m doing things correctly, how to check the work I’ve done to see if it’s really finished, etc. In other words, the most important truths I learned while studying mathematics were really truths about life. And of course, these truths about life happen to be pretty important in business too.

Second (and I mentioned this in the beginning of my resume also): Any person can do well, even at things for which they have no natural aptitude, if they really make an effort. Remember that B-minus I got in my high school algebra class?

Here’s another valuable principle I learned as a result of studying mathematics, one which I’m happy to say I almost never fail to practice in the workplace: Don’t cheat.

And finally: What you study in school isn’t necessarily what you’re going to do after you graduate. One thing I learned from my studies in mathematics was that I’m definitely not a mathematician. This isn’t to suggest that even though my grades were excellent I failed to ‘truly learn’ mathematics. On the contrary, the fact is that your humble applicant JK learned mathematics so well that I recognized (or should I say, I calculated) that mathematics was only a small part of what I’m here to do. This last point brings to mind one other principle I’d like to share, the truth of which many business people know from personal experience: Sometimes one of the most valuable lessons you learn as a result of doing something successfully is that you should be doing something else.

Just as I spoke earlier in my resume about some of the people I worked with during my music career, I want to mention some of my coworkers at CIA. As before, my intention here is to show that your humble applicant John King has a good attitude toward and works well with people, and also that I have a positive outlook toward work and toward life generally.

One person I want to mention is my CT classmate Clark, who isn’t a DO case officer, a covert action specialist, or an intelligence analyst. No, Clark is a ‘logs’ (logistics) officer, which means that it’s his great fortune in life to do exciting, glamorous CIA activities like fill out all the paperwork to send hardware to intelligence officers in the field, and then go out to various God-awful locations around the world and make sure that everything he ordered actually arrives and really works. It’s people like Clark, in my estimation, who make the CIA one of the more successful enterprises in the history of government.

I mean, from what I’ve heard, Clark can get anything, anywhere in the world, anytime you need it. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about: A COS (chief of station) in a Third World country told me a few years ago that one time, when the rebels in that country were launching yet another in an ongoing series of ‘final offensives’ against the government (and this particular final offensive actually looked for a minute like it might threaten the capital), the COS desperately told Clark that he had to have a special kind of radio transmitter within a day.

Now, according to this COS the US Government didn’t have such equipment in that country at the time, so he really had no expectation that Clark would be able to obtain the radio as quickly as it was needed. Nevertheless, maybe six hours later Clark walked into the station with the transmitter the COS had requested. The COS told me "I never asked Clark how he got that transmitter. Maybe I should have." When I mentioned to Clark that the COS had told me that he thought he should have asked Clark how he got that transmitter, Clark grinned and answered "No, he shouldn’t." It’s people like Clark who really make organizations work, in my opinion.

Another person with whom I’ve worked at CIA is fondly known by his coworkers as ‘Raul’. Raul started as an analyst and because of his great work was promoted so quickly and often that his management literally ran out of awards to give him. So then the Agency sent him to graduate school, where he earned a masters degree in about ten minutes. The guy made GS-14 before he was thirty. Raul is so knowledgeable about military hardware that the Agency decided a couple of years ago that his talent was being wasted in analysis, so they made him an ops officer and now send him all over the world to collect information on military-related topics. Raul and I often get together after work at say, seven o’clock in the evening, intending to speak for fifteen minutes about something, and end up talking until four in the morning about everything from science and technology to world history to how we’re going to take over the CIA together in less than five years.

One small blip in Raul’s otherwise brilliant career is that when he was a CT and had just finished a live fire automatic weapons exercise one time, he upset several of the instructors by jokingly telling us classmates with a dazed look on his face (probably thinking that the instructors weren’t paying attention) "While I was holding the M-16 in my hands, a voice inside my head kept telling me "Raul, turn the weapon around and spray the crowd."" The instructors, apparently not appreciating Raul’s sense of humor, decided to ‘write it on his record’. Given that Raul is probably their boss now, it doesn’t appear that this minor incident hurt his career very much.

This story about Raul reminds me of an important principle about business and life, one that should be taken into account both by employers and by people seeking employment: A bad mark doesn’t make a bad person. Consider your humble applicant John King, for example. I mean, I have a criminal record and probably didn’t even graduate from high school, and look how well I’ve done!

Another fine intelligence officer with whom I’ve worked (and yes, he too is a fellow CT) is named Mark. Mark is a DO case officer, an incredibly handsome blond from Minnesota and is also a very smart person. However, it’s not his superior intellect or his great looks that have made him a Golden Boy in the DO (he became a COS when he was only about 32). No, the reason Mark is a big star in Operations is that he’s an amazingly good case officer, which I think is all I’m allowed to say on the subject.

I remember Mark and I, when we first joined the Agency and were going through the CT program, decided to form a pseudo-conspiratorial, ‘inner CIA’-type group which we called El Grupo. So we formed El Grupo, and proceeded to develop a ‘secret’ political operations philosophy which we called Grupismo. We had a lot of fun with El Grupo. Perhaps the best part of it was that, when some of our CT classmates and other Agency people heard about El Grupo, they were worried about it! This, of course, pleased Mark and myself greatly. One interesting fact about El Grupo is that, when Mark became COS in a Third World country, he noticed that some of our Grupista principles were actually being practiced by members of the security service there.

Mark and I used to dream of doing a tour of duty in a Third World country while it was in the middle of a revolution. Well, Mark has now done tours in two Third World countries while they were in the middle of revolutions, and he says it’s really not very exciting. In fact, he says it’s basically a hassle.

Another story about Mark: Back in the days when he had just EOD’d with the Agency his parents came from Minnesota to visit him. Mark and I went with them to dinner one evening, and while we were all sitting together at the table Mark, who at that time was eager to get out on his first tour and see some action, said something like "I can’t wait to get overseas and take over a foreign government!" He was only joking, of course. Anyway, his very nice, very Minnesota mom smiled and said, like she was gently scolding him, "Oh Maaaark." Now Mark is overseas running a foreign government. I’m only joking, of course.

Yes, the fact is that your humble applicant JK has many good friends in and around CIA. For instance, there’s a fellow (yet another CT classmate of mine) who used to be a DI analyst, did some ops work with the DO, and then ‘went private’ (left the Government) and started his own business as a security consultant. I’ll call this friend of mine ‘Boggs’ (this was his nickname when he was at CIA) to protect his identity.

Though counterterrorism is his specialty, the fact is that Boggs can perform any kind of work you want (provided it’s legal and upstanding, of course). I’ve contracted with Boggs to do everything from build security-related databases to travel overseas to investigate foreign weapons factories for me, and he’s done a fine job every time. When I had him visit the foreign weapons factory, some government officials from that country took him out one night and tried to get him drunk (no doubt in an attempt to learn if he was CIA). Though he’s a good Mormon boy, Boggs drank them all under the table! Another contractor of mine was present and witnessed the whole thing.

Still another CIA coworker and friend of mine is Fran, a DO operations officer who, like Mark, was recently made COS as a result of her excellent work. Fran is, to put it mildly, a brilliant ops officer, a constant flurry of profitable activity. When she first started in the DO, however, a few people there didn’t exactly go out of their way to help her in her career. On the contrary, she encountered resistance from certain people who seemed determined to prevent Fran from having the opportunity to succeed in operations because she’s a woman. Adding irony to the situation was the fact that some of the people who seemed to go out of their way to make things difficult for Fran were themselves women in the DO.

If this story seems improbable to some folks, well, it won’t seem improbable to those who know the following principle, the truth of which, I’m sorry to say, is demonstrated all too frequently in business and elsewhere: If they can’t oppress another group, some people will try that much harder to oppress their own. Happily, as a result of her hard work, perseverance, and positive outlook, Fran has managed to overcome these obstacles and now appears to be on her way to ever greater accomplishments and recognition at the Agency.

Last, but definitely not least, is a person I simply have to mention in my resume, partly because he’s such a legend at CIA, and partly because he recently left CIA and is looking for work, and I want to put in a good word for him. This guy’s name is Robert, and let me say here and now that Robert is an extremely dedicated worker who likes to be useful and who’s quite capable of getting good things done.

Now, Robert is from a city somewhere in Ohio called Hamilton! The reason I put an exclamation mark at the end of Hamilton! is that, according to Robert (and several of his coworkers checked this claim to verify that it’s true), the government of Hamilton! decided a few years ago to affix an exclamation mark to their city’s name in hopes that it would attract national attention (and presumably billions of dollars in tourism and investment revenue for the permanently depressed Hamilton! economy). Reportedly the authorities who decide what is and what isn’t acceptable to be printed on US maps disallowed this change, but in Hamilton! the name has, in some quarters at least, remained to this day.

Anyhow, Robert, being a loyal son of Hamilton!, has for as long as I’ve known him methodically researched all sorts of historical data about Hamilton! and made sure to constantly impart this fascinating information to everyone around him (it’s no lie; I’ve met CIA officers all over the world who, when chatting with me about mutual acquaintances at the Agency, have referred in amazed tones of voice to ‘this guy who’s always talking about some place called ‘Hamilton!’’). I mean, you can name any famous person who ever lived, or any great event in world history, and Robert will offer you some obscure fact that relates that person or event to Hamilton!, Ohio.

You don’t believe me? Consider this: I once mentioned to Robert that a great pop song from the 1950’s was actually written around 1912 by a banker who later became Vice President of the United States. Knowing that Robert had majored in American history at college, I figured he’d be interested in this little piece of trivia. When I told him this story, he nodded and said "I know. The writer of that song was from Hamilton!"

Another time I was present when a fellow intelligence officer, sick of hearing Robert’s Hamilton! stories and trying to provoke him, said to Robert "I bet Hamilton! is a great place to be murdered." Totally unfazed, Robert proceeded to reply that Hamilton! is in fact the site of the worst mass murder of family members by another family member in US history. I don’t remember if that’s the exact statistic Robert cited, but it was something like that, anyway.

Probably the best story about Hamilton! I ever heard from Robert was when he called me on my green (secure) line at CIA once and asked "What do Joseph Stalin and Hamilton!, Ohio have in common?"

I took a guess and answered "Each is universally loathed as a symbol of pure evil."

Unflappable as always, Robert replied calmly "No, a son of Hamilton! married Joseph Stalin’s daughter in the 1950’s after she defected from the Soviet Union." Then Robert told me that Stalin’s daughter later divorced this man and left Hamilton! to return to the USSR. I told Robert that I would resist the temptation to comment on this latter fact.

But Robert’s obsession with his homeland of Hamilton!, Ohio pales in comparison with all the weird things that have happened to him, and all the weird things that he himself has done. For example, I remember once, during an ‘E&E’ (escape and evasion) exercise in the CT’s, a group of us were hiking through the forest toward a prearranged meeting point, wearing our camouflage and our face paint, and trying not to make any sound in order to avoid the security force that was hunting us. At one point we came to a steep creek bed and were gesturing to each other with hand signals about whether we should try to cross the creek or take what would probably be a long trip around it.

Well, Robert got the idea of trying to jump over the creek in order to save time (Robert’s a wiry and surprisingly fast guy; it’s probably for this reason that he was a pass rusher of legendary status in CIA touch football games). Anyway, Robert took a few steps back, then came running up and made a great flying leap through the air, only to hit the steep bank on the other side of the creek, I swear, spread-eagled and face down in the dirt and moss, exactly like Wiley Coyote when he hits the wall of a cliff in those Roadrunner cartoons.

It was truly a memorable moment; I mean, there was Robert flying through the air and landing face first with an audible thump, well short of his intended destination. What made it so incredibly funny was that following his rather dramatic landing he just stayed there for a second not moving, his arms and legs extended and his face down, after which we heard him mutter, his voice muffled by the dirt and moss, "F---." At that point Boggs and I looked at each other and then fell to the ground and started rolling around laughing hysterically (trying not to make any noise, of course, so as not to jeopardize operational security).

Another time Robert was doing a tour of duty in a remote part of Africa. It seems that one evening he was cooking dinner for himself in his shack. Intending to save the cooking grease (Robert’s a miser of historic proportions), he went to carry the pan containing the grease outside to let it cool on the porch. Unfortunately, when he picked the pan up a bunch of the grease spilled on his hand and melted Robert’s skin so that it was hanging off the bone. Pretty disgusting, I know. What made it even worse was that with this injury Robert couldn’t drive his jeep to get medical help; instead he had to go find a local native with whom he was friends and teach the guy how to operate a stick shift so that he could drive Robert to the nearest hospital about a hundred miles away. When recounting this experience to me later Robert said, in his famous deadpan voice which he uses to describe all the disastrous things that happen to him, "It was fairly painful." Of course, Robert recovered completely. I say "of course" because, as you’ll see if you continue reading, Robert is basically indestructible.

There was another time, just after he had left the Agency, when Robert decided to move up to Alaska and live off the land for awhile. Well, he took his belongings (a tent, some clothes, and paper and pencils so that he could work on a book he’s writing about Hamilton!, Ohio), and he went up to the Alaska shoreline. Reportedly he pitched his tent right on the beach. The first day apparently went pretty well, though later that evening he learned about a phenomenon called tides. So the next day Robert, now with no tent or other belongings, hiked many miles inland to a settlement, got himself a construction job, and lived at a boarding house. He told me later that doing construction and living in a boarding house was pretty fun, though after awhile he became bored with it.

But what happened to Robert most recently is, without a doubt, the greatest of the many great and true stories about him. Having returned from Alaska to Hamilton! (by way of Ecuador, where he rode around the countryside on the tops of several trains, but that’s another story), Robert decided to take a trip to California to learn about some law schools there that he was thinking of attending. After visiting the law schools and while driving back to Ohio, Robert made the fateful decision to visit an historic field in Montana (I think a famous battle had been fought there or something; in any case, I’m sure Hamilton!, Ohio figures in the history of the field in one way or another). Anyhow, he called a cousin of his in Montana to let him know that he would see him a day or so following his sightseeing, then he parked his car on the side of a dirt road near the interstate, and went hiking toward the field.

These events took place around mid-April, when most of the country is usually getting ready for hot weather. In Montana, however, blizzards can occur well into the spring. Probably you can predict what happened to poor Robert. Of course, he got caught in about four feet of snow, wearing only light clothing, maybe five miles from his rental car. ‘Elementary,’ you say, ‘He should simply grit his teeth and make the hike back to his automobile.’ The problem is that the wind chill in that part of the country can kill a person in a matter of minutes (trust me, I’ve been there); I mean, we’re talking about a wind chill of sixty or seventy degrees below zero.

So in order to avoid immediately freezing to death Robert had no choice but to seek shelter in an old abandoned (and of course, unheated) wooden shack, where he stayed without food for ten days before the weather finally eased and he could make his escape. The guy was on TV news all over the region. It was considered a miracle that he survived (and without any serious lasting injuries, I might add; the only permanent damage was the loss of a small part of one toe to frostbite).

I hope employers who read my resume will consider hiring my buddy Robert. Granted he’s done some strange things, but like I said earlier, Robert is a very dedicated, hardworking person who really likes to be useful. In addition, Robert is good at obeying orders (just like your humble applicant John King). For example, if you ask him to, I’m sure he’ll refrain from talking about Hamilton!, Ohio in the workplace.

The more I think about all the people I’ve worked with (at CIA, in ‘the music biz’, and elsewhere), the more I’m reminded of the following principle which I believe is very relevant to business: Everybody changes. Another principle, which is closely related to this one, is: Some change and become new people, while others change and increasingly become the same old person they’ve always been.

For instance, I think the more my friend Robert changes (and the fact is that Robert changes a lot), the more he becomes the same old Robert. On the other hand, I saw Kurtz at CIA Headquarters not long ago (you know, the paramilitary ops officer I told you about earlier in my resume, the guy who apparently wanted to pattern his life after the movie Apocalypse Now), and he clearly had become a different person. In particular, he was calm and seemed to have a sense of humor (which I don’t think he had previously). It’s still Kurtz’s job to kill people. However, I now believe that if Kurtz is ever called on to undertake a mission of this kind, he’ll perform his duties in a more thoughtful and mature way.

Recently I showed my resume to a business person who’s a friend of mine, and after reading it this person said "John, I believe you’re the first business mystic in history."

After thanking my friend for this complement I asked "Have you ever read one of those books about ‘succeeding in business’ that are written by famous and successful business people?"

My friend nodded and answered "Several."

Then I asked "In any of those books did the author say something like ‘The only thing that’s certain in business is that nothing is certain in business,’ or ‘The employee with the least important job in the company is the employee with the most important job in the company,’ or ‘The real bottom line isn’t the bottom line’?"

My friend replied "Most of those books say things like that."

I told this person "Then I’m definitely not the first business mystic in history." Then I added "In fact, if what these business people write in their books is true, and I certainly think a lot of what they write is true, then to be a mystic is a fundamental requirement for success in the business world."

It was three a.m. in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Following a night on the town I returned to the lobby of the posh hotel where I and the whole entourage of Miss Thing were staying (for some reason our music was extremely popular in Brazil, and as a result we toured that country for weeks). I got on the elevator and rode up to the seventeenth floor where my room was located. As I neared my destination I heard the sound of music. The elevator opened on floor seventeen, and I emerged to the deafening blast of a boom box lying on its side in the middle of the hallway, running on batteries and turned up full volume. A few meters from the elevator, lying face down next to the boom box and maybe two steps from the open door of his hotel room, was our percussionist Tony Fuentes.

Immediately the thought went through my mind that Tony had been killed or seriously injured by robbers, and that our rooms had been broken into and our money, our belongings, and our passports stolen. Then I decided that this probably wasn’t the case since robbers most likely wouldn’t have left an expensive boom box like that behind. I looked a little closer and realized that Tony had simply passed out from too much partying. I bent down and turned off the boom box, shook Tony, and when he didn’t respond, stepped over him and walked to my room. I unlocked the door, went inside, and slept for twelve hours.

The following afternoon when I saw him I said "Tony, what happened last night? I came in at three a.m. and there you were, with your boom box blasting, lying face down in the middle of the hallway with the door of your hotel room all the way open. I thought you were dead, Homes!"

Tony looked at me with a confused expression for a moment, and then started smiling as if it was all coming back to him. He nodded and grinned, and then told me in his East Oakland ‘Cholo’ accent "I came out of the elevator and I tried to get to my room. But I couldn’t make it, man!"

Why is this story in my resume, you ask? Well, I just think it’s interesting.

You know, being in the CIA isn’t all fun and games. Let me tell you about a time your humble applicant John King was stalked by a foreign intelligence service. The purpose of my relating this story is for employers to see that your humble applicant is alert to potential problems, that I remember my training and put it into practice, and that I appreciate the importance of security.

It was 1992. A contractor and I were in a major European city to do some work on behalf of the station there. During the first few days nobody seemed to pay attention to us despite the fact that this particular city is well-known as a mecca for international espionage. On maybe the third day my contractor called a CIA telephone number back in the US. The very next morning after my contractor called that CIA telephone number, all heck broke loose.

What happened is that a good-looking 45-year-old peroxide blonde (almost certainly a citizen of the country in question) suddenly appeared in the hotel and started taking an interest in my room. Every morning she would be lurking in the hallway near my door, and as soon as I went downstairs to have breakfast or to go to the station, she would get the cleaning lady to let her in. How does your humble applicant know this fact? Because, without making myself conspicuous, I spied on her and watched her do it!

After awhile it became kind of funny. I remember one afternoon I left the station early, came back to the hotel, and was lying on my bed reading. Suddenly the locked door of my room magically opened, and in walked Blondie. She acted startled when she saw that I was there, claimed she hadn’t known anyone was in my room (but why was she in my room?), and then quickly left. Another time I opened my door one morning to go out and noticed her sitting partially out of sight behind a plant down the hallway. On seeing your humble applicant she got up and walked down the stairs. I came down the stairs myself a few moments after this, and saw her immediately going back up on the hotel elevator. Needless to say, the elevator stopped on the floor where my room was located. I remember our eyes meeting briefly while I was walking down the stairs and she was riding the elevator back up (the elevator had a window so we could see each other); she had an embarrassed look on her face, as if she was thinking "Oops! Well, I guess he knows now!"

As soon as these events started occurring I reported them to the people at the station who, when they heard my account, decided that I was in fact most likely being spied on. At their direction I then implemented several procedures I had been taught as a CT. These procedures are classified, so I can’t tell you about them. What I can tell you is that they enabled your humble applicant and my fellow intelligence officers at the station to ascertain what was probably happening and respond appropriately.

Writing about these events after the fact, I’m suddenly struck by the following thought: Do you think that good-looking 45-year-old peroxide blonde who kept lurking around my hotel room wasn’t an intelligence officer at all, but a disco music fan who remembered me as the bass player with Miss Thing all those years before? I mean, maybe she saw me in the hotel restaurant and recognized my face from TV or magazines in the 1970’s (believe it or not, a few magazines actually published photos of me in those days. If it’s worth anything, some people consider your humble applicant JK to be reasonably handsome. Probably it’s the Spanish blood).

Who knows, perhaps the sight of your humble applicant at that hotel reminded this lady of the good old days of her youth. Maybe, as a result of seeing Miss Thing’s bass player in the flesh, she was inspired to get her hair dyed and come up to my hotel room hoping to meet a ‘rock and roll idol’ (all right, a disco idol, but close enough). I have to admit that this theory doesn’t seem very plausible. First of all, I don’t remember Miss Thing selling many records in the country where these events took place. This fact, along with the others I just mentioned, makes me think that I was indeed being ‘checked out’ by, most likely, the host country’s intelligence service.

Incidentally, I recognize that some employers might read this and other CIA anecdotes in my resume and wonder if your humble applicant is one of those people who ‘tells secrets’, and who therefore might be a security risk. If anybody has this concern, let me assure you that everything I say about the Agency, whether in this document or in any other document or public forum, is totally unclassified. Believe me, I know a lot of things that, if they were revealed to the wrong people, could literally bring down governments. Those things (and all the other official secrets I know) I absolutely refuse to talk about because a) I’m loyal to the good old US and I know that our country’s survival really does depend on keeping certain information secret, and b) I’m a person who believes in honoring promises, and the fact is that as a CIA employee I’ve sworn an oath never to divulge classified information. I just wanted to make this statement for the record. Thank you.

Not long ago I read a book called Desert Wisdom. It’s a collection of sayings by, and stories about, ancient Christian monks who lived in the desert in the Middle East, and it’s really excellent. In fact, I like this book so much I’ve decided to offer a brief commentary on some of the sayings and stories in it. As for why I’m putting this commentary in my resume, I want employers to see that your humble applicant John King is well-read, and also that, in addition to being highly practical, I have a philosophical side (most experts agree that to have a philosophical side is valuable in business).

I affectionately call this commentary of mine Dessert Wisdom, partly in hopes that, like a pleasing dessert that follows a fine meal (the fine meal being the book of sayings), these thoughts of your humble applicant will serve as sort of a ‘complement to the main course’. Mostly, though, I call my commentary Dessert Wisdom because I like the title.

So here’s my Dessert Wisdom, Volume One:

Abbot Zeno, the disciple of Abbot Sylvanus, said: Do not dwell in a famous place, and do not become the disciple of a man with a great name. And do not lay any foundation when you build yourself a cell.

My commentary: For some reason, whenever I read this saying I imagine Abbot Zeno adding the following statement: "In fact, don’t even listen to anything I’m telling you."

Once some of the elders came to Scete, and Abbot John the Dwarf was with them. And when they were dining, one of the priests, a very great old man, got up to give each one a little cup of water to drink, and no one would take it from him except John the Dwarf. The others were surprised, and afterwards they asked him: How is it that you, the least of all, have presumed to accept the services of this great old man? He replied: Well, when I get up to give people a drink of water, I am happy if they all take it; and for that reason on this occasion I took the drink, that he might be rewarded, and not feel sad because nobody accepted the cup from him. And at this all admired his discretion.

My commentary: What if, when asked why he had accepted a cup of water from the great old priest, John the Dwarf had simply answered "I was thirsty?"

A certain brother asked of an elder, saying: If a brother owes me a little money, do you think I should ask him to pay me back? The elder said to him: Ask him for it once only, and with humility. The brother said: Suppose I ask him once and he doesn’t give me anything, what should I do? Then the elder said: Don’t ask him any more. The brother said again: but what can I do, I cannot get rid of my anxieties about it, unless I go and ask him? The elder said to him: Forget your anxieties. The important thing is not to sadden your brother, for you are a monk.

My commentary: Wouldn’t it be great if the brother in this story was asking the elder these questions in an attempt to politely remind the elder that he owed the brother money?

There was an elder who had a well-tried novice living with him, and once, when he was annoyed, he drove the novice out of the cell. But the novice sat down outside and waited for the elder. The elder, opening the door, found him there, and did penance before him, saying: You are my Father, because your patience and humility have overcome the weakness of my soul. Come back in: you can be the elder and the Father, I will be the youth and the novice; for by your good work you have surpassed my old age.

My commentary: Wouldn’t it have been excellent if, just for laughs, the novice came back in and, as soon as he was inside, drove the elder out of the cell?

A monk ran into a party of handmaids of the Lord on a certain journey. Seeing them he left the road and gave them a wide berth. But the Abbess said to him: If you were a perfect monk, you would not even have looked close enough to see that we were women.

My commentary: How did the Abbess know that this person whom she met on the road was a man?

My other commentary: I expect that, because he was pretty close to perfection, the monk resisted the temptation to reply "If you were a perfect Abbess, you wouldn’t be telling other people how to be a perfect monk!"

In the beginning of his conversion Abbot Evagrius came to a certain elder and said: Father, tell me some word by which I may be saved. The elder said: If you want to be saved, whenever you go to see anybody do not speak unless he asks you something. Evagrius was deeply moved by this saying, and did penance in the sight of the elder and made satisfaction to him, saying: Believe me, I have read many books and have never found anywhere such learning. And he went away and progressed greatly.

My commentary: I imagine the reason Evagrius went away, and the reason he progressed greatly, is that right after he praised the elder for his wisdom the elder responded "Didn’t I just tell you not to say anything unless asked?"

It was said of Abbot Agatho that for three years he carried a stone in his mouth until he learned to be silent.

My commentary: I must confess that I have doubts about the truth of this story. For one thing, it seems to me that, rather than helping you be silent, carrying a stone in your mouth could actually make you noisier, especially if the stone rattles against your teeth.

A certain brother came to Abbot Poemen and said: What ought I to do, Father? I am in great sadness. The elder said to him: Never despise anybody, never condemn anybody, never speak evil of anyone, and the Lord will give you peace.

My commentary: If I were that elder I would also have added "And don’t be sad."

One of the monks, called Serapion, sold his book of the Gospels and gave the money to those who were hungry, saying: I have sold the book which told me to sell all that I had and give to the poor.

My commentary: Truly, he read the Gospel.

An elder saw a certain one laughing and said to him: In the presence of the Lord of heaven and earth we must answer for our whole life; and you can laugh?

My commentary: I have it on good authority that this person replied to the elder "That’s why I’m laughing!"

Do you remember me mentioning earlier in my resume that I was a semiprofessional baseball player? Well, one reason I haven’t talked much about this topic is that I wasn’t what you could realistically call a big success in this particular occupation. Nevertheless, I do want to share one brief story about my experiences in ‘the pro’s’, mostly so that you can see that your humble applicant JK knows how to acknowledge and respond well to setbacks.

Here’s the story: A year or so after I left Miss Thing, I was pitching and playing a little outfield (a very little outfield) for the San Francisco Spiders (yes, that was really their name). I had gotten on the team thanks to a friend of mine named Paul Bates, an excellent athlete who ran track for the University of California and who was once scouted by the Baltimore Orioles (I know this is true because he showed me the scout’s business card). Paul got me on the team because, well, we were buddies (Paul was an amateur drummer and we used to play music together when we were teenagers). When Paul heard me say that I could pitch, he informed the team’s manager (who did in fact desperately need pitching) that I was now a Spider. Yes, Paul was so good that he could actually tell his manager who to have on the team.

Well, to keep a short story short, I played briefly with the San Francisco Spiders, and to tell the truth I didn’t do too badly on the extremely rare occasions when they used me in the outfield (the fact is that I’m pretty athletic). My pitching, though, wasn’t as good as I had hoped and thought it would be. Not to make excuses, but a partial reason for this may be that prior to reporting to the Spiders I had gone out behind a factory in Redwood City every night at 3 a.m. for a week or so and pitched against the wall of the factory to get ready. As a result, when I reported to the ball club I had a very sore arm. Although I was able to fool a few hitters with a pitch that had some nice drop on it, due to my arm troubles my fastball was basically nonexistent. So of course, when they realized that your humble applicant had no ‘heat’ whatsoever, most hitters were able to tee off on me (in other words, they were able to hit the ball a great distance when I threw it, which isn’t good).

The crowning indignity came at a ball field near Palo Alto, where I threw a pitch that was hit perhaps farther than any other in baseball history. This particular ball field had no fence around it, although there was a school with a fence far in the distance (maybe half a mile away; I’m exaggerating, but not by much). The joke among baseball players whenever a game was played at this field was that someone might somehow hit a ball over the fence of that distant school yard. This was a joke because the fence was so far away that to reach it was generally considered physically impossible.

Can you predict what I’m going to tell you? Yes, your humble applicant JK pitched for the Spiders at this ball field one afternoon. And in a moment of anger and desperation, after the opposing hitters had figured out my ‘drop’ pitch and had begun teeing off on it (this was early in the first inning, if I remember correctly), I leaned back, summoned all my strength, and came at the opposing batter with an all-out fastball. The batter saw my pitch coming, calmly launched it, and then the whole crowd (except for me, of course) simultaneously made the sound "Oooohhh!" As the ball flew into orbit the batter’s teammates watching from the dugout leapt to their feet and starting yelling "Could it be!!! Could it be!!!" and then "Yeaaaahhhhh!!!" as your humble applicant became the first (and probably still the only) pitcher ever to have a pitch hit over the fence of that school in the next county.

That moment was pretty embarrassing. To give you an idea of how bad the rest of our pitching staff was, though, I was actually able to continue playing for the Spiders for a little while after that. But realistically I didn’t have much hope (or intention, for that matter) of being a successful pro baseball player, so after awhile I quit playing baseball and studied mathematics instead. This story, I think, is another example of that principle I talked about earlier in my resume when I described my failure to write sellable disco music (you know, the principle that there are some things you just aren’t going to make happen). Anyhow, I definitely think quitting semipro baseball and studying mathematics was a wise career move on my part. Don’t you agree?

As every successful employer knows, to truly understand business is to understand change, because change and business are really one. Therefore, I’m including in my resume some thoughts on change in order to demonstrate to employers that I have a good grasp of this important topic.

One observation I want to make about change is that everything changes, including the fact that everything changes. Therefore, to really understand that everything changes is also to understand that not everything changes, precisely because everything changes. I recognize that this principle may be a little confusing to some people, and I sure don’t fault them for being confused by it, because it confuses me too on occasion.

This discussion about change brings to mind another issue which I definitely think I should address in my resume. Some people may read what I’ve written in this document and conclude that, because I’ve been working for a long, long time now, my most productive years may have passed or my knowledge and job skills might be getting a little ‘dated’, and that therefore perhaps they shouldn’t employ me. If anybody does have this concern, let me assure you that your humble applicant John King is still quite youthful (remember, I began working at an early age), and I’m just as vital, capable, and positively motivated as always. As for whether my knowledge and skills are now or might someday be irrelevant, well, I’m sure wise employers will understand me perfectly when I say that the more times change, the more relevant this knowledge and these methods become, and the greater the profit for those who apply them. Therefore, whoever uses your humble applicant John King in their business is in no danger whatsoever of being behind the times. On the contrary, whoever uses John King in their business will frequently be so far ahead of their time that their competitors won’t even understand what they’re doing.

It’s a well-known fact in the business world that people with a good home and family life tend to be more productive employees. On this subject I’m pleased to report that your humble applicant John King is quite happily married, and that relations between my family and my beautiful wife’s family, by the way, are excellent.

While we’re on this topic I’d also like to mention that my beautiful wife Tatyana (who, as you know, was born in the Soviet Union) is an extremely courteous, well-bred, and cultured woman who stands and walks with perfect posture (something which I think we Americans haven’t known how to do for at least a quarter of a century). Additionally, she’s a great cook and genuinely likes to keep house. Many Americans have spoken admiringly of my beautiful wife’s refined and very feminine comportment, and I myself have frequently remarked "Clearly, Socialism is good for women’s development."

To give you an idea of just how advanced my beautiful wife is, let me share the following brief anecdote.

Back in the days when we were preparing to meet face to face for the first time, Tatyana, bless her heart, figured that, since her friend John King was from The West, I therefore must be highly cultured and refined in my tastes and behavior. Wanting to make a good impression, my beautiful Tatyana went to a library near Moscow and found a Western book on etiquette, read it from cover to cover, and practiced its instructions religiously for weeks so as to be a perfect hostess during my stay.

Now, your humble applicant JK is no slob, of course; on the contrary, as part of my training for overseas intelligence work I took some classes on social protocol and different social customs throughout the world. Nevertheless, the fact is that when I went to a cafe with Tatyana and her family my first evening in Russia, I not only didn’t follow the rules of table etiquette which Tatyana had memorized from that book, I spilled soup all over the tablecloth. Years later my beautiful wife told me, when recounting that magic evening when we first met, "I knew at that moment etiquette would not be a problem."

On the subject of family, here’s an interesting (and true) story about my lovely mother-in-law and her efforts to join the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

One year my lovely mother-in-law got to thinking that she would like to have access to the better stores, special passes to amusement parks, etc. that used to be given to people in the Communist Party (this was before the USSR ended, of course). Therefore, in hopes of obtaining these and other goodies, she applied for candidate membership in ‘the revolutionary vanguard of the international proletarian movement’, in other words, the good old CPSU.

Now, to be accepted as a member of most left-wing political organizations, it usually isn’t enough to just be one of ‘the masses’. No, you have to show the proper ‘class consciousness’, demonstrate that you’re a ‘militant’, and things like that. So as part of her application for candidate membership in the Communists, Tatyana’s mom was expected to attend meetings and participate in political activities, which of course isn’t easy for someone who has kids to take care of. Well, needless to say, due to her responsibilities at home she missed several of the meetings and wasn’t able to take part in many of the political activities either (I didn’t ask Tatyana what these political activities were, though I expect they probably involved fomenting international worker and peasant revolution). Anyway, at some point Tatyana’s mother was informed that her application for candidate membership in the Communist Party had been rejected because, as the local cadre officer put it, she wasn’t "politically formed."

When these events took place there was still a certain amount of competition to get into the Communist Party of the Soviet Union because the Party at that time was still able to offer enough benefits (better access to consumer goods, preference in hiring for well-paying jobs, etc.) to make being a member worthwhile. Four or five years later, though, when the always terrible Soviet economy had become even worse and practical benefits of Party membership for the most part no longer existed, the people’s revolutionary fervor diminished to such an extent that hardly anyone in the Soviet Union wanted to be a Communist anymore.

It was around this time that the Party, now seriously short of members, contacted Tatyana’s mom to invite her to re-apply for candidate membership. Yes, the poor local cadre officer, desperate for people, had found her name in his files and decided that Tatyana’s mother was now sufficiently ‘politically formed’ to be a Communist. Tatyana’s mom, however, perhaps still wasn’t quite politically formed enough. According to Tatyana, on being told that the Communists were now willing to accept her application, her mother declared "When they were popular, they said I wasn’t good enough for them; now that they aren’t popular, they say I’m good enough for them!" And with that she fomented her own revolution and refused to have anything to do with Communism from that time on.

When I was eighteen and recording my first album with Miss Thing I was ordered by Miss Thing not to play certain bass lines that I had composed and which I thought were perfect for a couple of the songs we were doing. On being told this, I nodded and said "All right." I then proceeded to play note for note the bass lines I had been ordered not to play, as soon as Miss Thing’s head was turned. From time to time during the recording sessions I would put down my bass and headphones, go into the control room where Miss Thing and our producer Harvey Fuqua were listening to and mixing the music, and I would ask Miss Thing "Is that new bass line I just played more like what you wanted?" Every time I asked him this, Miss Thing would nod and then go back to listening and mixing.

When the album was released, one of the songs on which I had played a forbidden bass line became a worldwide hit. A particular bass line in that song, one which I had been explicitly directed not to play and which I had played anyway, had so much character and gave the song so much identity that the man who wrote Miss Thing’s orchestral arrangements subsequently based the entire string arrangement on it. Really, there’s no doubt that that bass line contributed to the song’s success.

Several years later, when I was at CIA managing the development of a certain ops-related product, I once ordered my contractors for the project not to proceed any farther with it. You see, a Government customer who had promised me funding for the project had failed to deliver any money, and I therefore had no way to pay my people for that work. So I told my contractors not to work on that project anymore, and to instead work on other projects for which I had funding. They nodded and said "All right."

Two or three months later I obtained money for this project from a different Government customer, went to tell my contractors the happy news, and discovered that they had completed the remaining work on the product and had an initial version that was ready for use, despite the fact that I had expressly told them not to do anything. Naturally, they had been billing me the whole time for this work which they had performed against my orders. The product went on to be a success in the US Intelligence Community, and I received considerable acclaim for it. It’s already saved taxpayers a lot of money, and may end up saving lives too.

When Miss Thing’s album had been out for weeks and weeks, he finally realized that your humble applicant John King had tricked him and had played bass lines on the album that Miss Thing had explicitly forbidden. Instead of firing me, Miss Thing looked at me knowingly and, with a twinkle in his eye, pretended to give me a scolding.

When I learned that those CIA contractors of mine had deliberately ignored my directions to quit working on that product, and had instead finished building the initial version of it while all the time billing me for the work they were doing, I of course had them killed. No, just kidding! What I actually did was tell my contractors "Feel free to disregard my instructions any time you want to." One reason I said this to my contractors was that the product they built happened to be excellent. Also, I needed their help to get the product to the many people who were requesting it. I mean, what was I going to do to my contractors, fire them?

Whether the next couple of paragraphs have any direct connection to the several paragraphs you just read, I can’t say exactly. But for some reason which I’m unable to fully explain, I’ve decided that it’s extremely appropriate for me to place these next two paragraphs right here. This is what I want to say at this moment: Looking back at my career I realize that every one of my genuine successes, without exception, has occurred when I did business in a way that was pleasing to God. As for what way of doing business is pleasing to God, there must surely be lots and lots of ways that God finds pleasing. I suspect, though, that all these ways are similar to each other in that they all involve doing business righteously.

What, you may ask, does it mean to do business righteously? Well, I suppose I could answer this question by saying that to do business righteously means to work for a noble cause, to do one’s work honestly and thoroughly, to ask only a fair price for one’s work and no more, etc. And there’s no doubt that doing business righteously does in fact include all these things, and many other things also. But really, I believe that the most truthful answer to the question of what it means to do business righteously is this: To do business righteously is to do business lovingly.

Of course, this statement raises the question of what it means to do business (or anything else for that matter) ‘lovingly’. In fact, it raises the question of what it means to be loving. In all honesty, at that point I, your humble applicant John King, can only say that a lot of what a person needs to know about being loving is written right here in my resume. And in any case, all of what a person needs to know about being loving is written in the Gospel (you know, the teaching of Jesus), which is really where your humble applicant John Alejandro King has learned all the principles that have made me the success I am today.

I remember, about a week after I had graduated with my degree in mathematics, I was driving around in my old VW van in the Southwestern city where the university was located. I was just cruising and looking at things; I knew I was going to be driving back home to California in two or three days and I wanted to see the place one last time. At one point I was driving along a road that parallels the US-Mexican border, when the sky suddenly darkened and a heavy rain shower started. I thought "Just my luck. I came out here to see the sights, and now it’s raining!" As I drove I turned on the radio and listened to music.

Then, as usually happens with rain showers in the Southwest, the downpour ended after only a few minutes, and rays of white sunlight began breaking through the great black rain clouds over the desert plain. At that very moment a song came on the radio, it was a song called Hypnotized by the group Fleetwood Mac. I had never heard this song before (and the man on the radio didn’t identify the title or artist); but after driving around with that music playing and looking at that scene in the desert, well, I never forgot that record. In fact, I searched and asked people for years until I found it. Now I listen to this song on special occasions. If my resume is ever made into a film (and you never know, it might be!), I’ll probably want Hypnotized to be the theme song. And if not Hypnotized, then Sweetness and Light by a group called Lush. Or maybe both of these songs, maybe played at the same time.

Here’s where all this is leading: If you want to experience the wonder of life (and as every successful employer knows, to experience the wonder of life is highly valuable to the development of good business skills), then I strongly suggest you listen to this music some time, or to some other similarly deep music, and look at things. Of course, you don’t have to go driving around the US-Mexican border after a rainstorm to experience what I’m talking about. Just look and listen to the things around you, and feel joyful amazement toward it all. If you do this, then I bet you’ll understand the following principle, which is based on years and years of looking and listening carefully and profitably: It’s not so much that we’re filled with wonder by things, it’s that we fill things with wonder. You may ask why a sane person would write an idea like this in a business resume. Your humble applicant JK’s answer to that question is: Because I want to be employed by the best employer possible.

Do you remember that I promised earlier in my resume to reveal ‘everything I know about the CIA and Elvis’? Well, here it is: A few years ago I thought that it would be great if there was a connection between Elvis and the CIA. So naturally I did the right thing, I created one.

I’ve always been pretty good at inventing acronyms (you know, words that are formed by connecting the first letters of key words in a phrase; for example, White Intellectual Male Professional spells WIMP, that sort of thing). I often invent funny acronyms during official CIA meetings when someone asks that names be proposed for a new project. I suggest a totally plausible project name whose acronym happens to be a naughty word, and then I claim to be innocent ("How was I to know what the letters spelled?") when (or if) somebody figures it out. For instance, I and several coworkers at CIA were once asked to propose a name for a new office that was being created to address certain computer and data issues. With a straight face I suggested Technology and Information Transfer Staff. Believe it or not, they almost chose the name until someone spelled out the acronym.

Anyhow, one day I had the idea of sneaking a reporter from a major tabloid into Agency Headquarters and, for maybe twenty-five thousand dollars, offering to tell that person ‘everything I know’ about Elvis and the CIA. I thought that maybe I would create a bogus ‘intelligence file’ on Elvis, stamp it with a nonexistent classification like ‘Official Restricted’, and then offer to give the reporter a peek. Of course, I didn’t act on this idea (it would have been a security violation, as well as a gross misuse of my official Government position). However, I did go so far as to conceive a notional computer research and development project called the Embedded and Linked Virtual Imaging System (ELVIS). I mentioned this project name to one of our computer guys, and he actually wanted to use it for some research he was doing!

As part of the ELVIS project (doesn’t that term "the ELVIS project" sound great? Can’t you imagine reading about "the ELVIS project" in one of those CIA exposes that people are always writing?) I also started answering calls on my secure telephone at that time with a reasonably good impersonation of ‘The King’. The phone would ring and I would pick it up and drawl "This is Elvis." I must have done this for weeks. It got to the point that whenever my branch chief called me, if I forgot to do it, he would pretend to be Elvis. One day I decided to stop, though, because the secretary of our office director (our office director being the CIA equivalent of a two-star general) called me and, when I said "This is Elvis," wondered who the heck she was talking to. After that I quit impersonating the King of Rock and Roll while on duty.

OK, so I admit I don’t have much information about Elvis and the CIA. But at least by mentioning Elvis in the subtitle of this document I might get a few people to read my resume who otherwise would never do so. And given that my resume contains a lot of truth that can help people, I figure it’s all right for me to employ a little ‘creative marketing’ in order to generate interest in it.

It’s perfectly understandable that most employers want to know if applicants for employment have a criminal record. And I must confess that your humble applicant JK has in fact had a ‘brush with authority’. Specifically, I pled No Contest many years ago to a misdemeanor weapons violation (this was after my music career and before I began studying mathematics).

It wasn’t a big deal, really. One day I was up in the mountains behind the crime-infested apartments where I lived, and I forgot that I had left my pistol (which I kept for self-protection) in my car. A police officer saw the gun in my car and, well, I think I’m lucky he didn’t blow my head off (I apologized to him and, though initially a little ruffled by the incident, he accepted my apology. I still had to go to jail, though).

Do you remember how I said earlier in my resume that the angels seem to be fond of your humble applicant John King? Well, when I went before the judge hearing my case, I pled No Contest and he gave me the following sentence: One year in jail, or a one hundred fifty dollar fine. Obviously a ‘no-brainer’, as they say; pay the money and go home. The problem was that my entire worldly estate at that time amounted to one hundred twenty dollars. The judge, after reading me my sentence, got up and walked out of the courtroom into the judge’s chamber.

I was standing in the courtroom reflecting on this unfavorable development, when I noticed the bailiff (a plump but nice-looking young blonde complete with uniform and pistol) making ‘goo-goo eyes’ at me. Now, although I’m not as darkly handsome as my father (who has Spanish blood), I did inherit enough of his Iberian genes to be considered reasonably attractive. Anyway, this cute little bailiff, still looking at me and smiling, said to the court stenographer "Did the judge say "A hundred and fifty," or did he say "A hundred and fifteen?" It must have been a hundred and fifteen." Then she giggled and smiled at me again. I smiled back at her, walked down the hall to the court cashier, wrote a check for all the money in my bank account minus five dollars, and strolled out of the courthouse a free man. To all of God’s angels, including that angel disguised as a court bailiff, I say: Thank you; I’m trying my best to repay all the good things you’re doing for me.

What lessons have I learned as a result of having a criminal record? Well, one lesson I’ve learned is that despite having a criminal record you can definitely get a top secret security clearance with the US Government (this is not a criticism of the US Government; on the contrary, I think the US Government should be permitted to grant security clearances to whomever it thinks can help further the cause of freedom and democracy, even if that person isn’t perfect). Another lesson I’ve learned as a result of having a criminal record is that if there’s a misdemeanor in your past it can take more time to obtain permission to do volunteer work at a county jail than to get a top secret security clearance with the US Government (this is not a criticism of the US Government or county jails).

One other lesson I’ve learned, partly as a result of getting in trouble with the law, but mostly as a result of just living, is that not living (in other words, being dead) isn’t really something for me to worry about or carry guns around trying to avoid. Yes, the fact is that your humble applicant JK no longer fears death very much. Naturally, I still want to be in this world so that I can do good things for people and hopefully continue to have interesting experiences. Furthermore, I’m sure that if I’m threatened with physical danger I’m going to make a sincere effort to protect myself. But I mean, the idea of dying no longer scares me. As for what all this has to do with my resume, well, like I said earlier, ever since I stopped being afraid to die my productivity and rate of promotion have both increased greatly.

On the topic of death, I’ve made sure my beautiful wife understands that if my material body stops functioning I’ll still be alive, waiting for her to join me in the Spirit when she’s ready (which hopefully she won’t be for many years after my passing), and that she therefore needn’t worry about me dying (in addition, I’m leaving her everything in my will so that hopefully she won’t have financial difficulties if she becomes a widow). By the way, my beautiful Tatyana believes, as do I, that if we’re loving, seek greater knowledge, and believe in the Light, then when we leave our earthly bodies we’ll be everywhere and see everything.

Recently my beautiful wife and I were talking about this subject, and we decided that if one of us becomes deceased the other person is free to remarry if they want to. Naturally, neither of us wants to remarry if our spouse dies, but we both agree that the other person should be permitted to do so. My beautiful wife also told me, however, that if she dies and becomes present in everything, and if I remarry and my new wife and I are in bed together, Tatyana isn’t going to watch what we’re doing. She said it would be too embarrassing.

The other day I went to the library and looked at some books about resume writing, you know, just to be sure that I’m writing my resume correctly. What I read in those books was highly encouraging. I mean, it’s clear from what they say that your humble applicant is following quite closely the guidelines for writing a ‘winning resume’ that will inspire many employers to offer me a place in their business. Indeed, as I reflected on some of the principles about resume writing that I read in those books, I thought I should mention several of these principles and comment on them. My reason for doing this is both to show employers that I have a good understanding of this important topic, and because I’m confident that people seeking employment can use these insights to help themselves obtain good, well-paying work.

So here are several principles about successful resume writing that I’ve gathered from some of the best books on the subject, along with my comments:

Make your resume readable. Be sure your resume is well-written and to the point. Think, when writing your resume, "What am I trying to say in this document?"

By the way, most experts advise that you think about and update your resume frequently, even when you aren’t actually looking for a new job. As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to recommend that you perform your work and live your life as if everything you say and do is being written in a resume and read by an excellent employer for whom you’d love to work.

Be honest. Research has shown that good employers overwhelmingly prefer to hire people they can trust. Therefore, writing an honest resume, even if it requires that you disclose some embarrassing facts about yourself, is critical to obtaining desirable employment.

Of course, in order to write an honest resume that makes you seem like a person employers should hire, you need to have done things that are worth writing about. In this connection I offer the following principle: Do good things. I know this principle may seem obvious to some people, but as every wise business person knows, the most obvious truths are often the most neglected.

Say what you want to do. A key objective of your resume is to let the employer know what kind of work you’re looking for. It’s amazing how many people have never truly thought about this question. If you’re one of these people, don’t panic; just take some time to think about what you’d like to do with your life. If good ideas don’t come to you immediately, keep thinking, and maybe do some reading on the subject of career planning and related topics (you’re welcome to use my resume to get ideas if you want).

Don’t be negative. This is kind of a funny statement when you think about it. Probably the authors of these books on resume writing should instead say something like: Be positive. In any case, I think we know what they’re trying to tell us. Emphasize things you like and can do for people, rather than things you don’t like or aren’t able to do. If you haven’t yet thought about what it is you like, or if you don’t know what good you can do for people, see the above note about reading materials.

Avoid discussing salary in your resume. When writing about yourself, money should not be your main focus. Instead, write about how you can be helpful, what good things you’ve done thus far in your career, what good things you hope to do in the future, and what you’re doing right now to achieve those good objectives.

Inspire the reader to action. You want whoever reads your resume to be inspired to do something after they’ve read it (for instance, you’d like them to employ you in their business). As for how you should write your resume in order to inspire employers, the books I’ve read aren’t very specific. Therefore, I assume that what the authors of these books are really telling people is: Work well, learn valuable things, and in general live a good life, so that when you write your resume it’ll be an inspiring one.

At the time of this writing there’s still a handful of Communist-controlled countries in the world. About three years ago I and some fellow CIA officers were in one of these countries ‘attending a conference’ (in other words, gathering intelligence). One of our local ‘escorts’, a citizen of this country who goes by the nickname ‘V’, is a semi-retired soldier and secret policeman who has done all sorts of fascinating things in his career like fight in civil wars against the Capitalists in several Third World locales.

I remember one time during our visit while we were chatting between meetings, V was sharing some of his war stories with us. After he had told us stories about his parachuting into one country, walking through alligator-infested swamps in another, etc., one of my fellow CIA officers started to talk about hunting. V’s face brightened at the mention of this subject, and he told my buddy that he too loved to hunt. Then my friend asked him "Of all the animals you’ve hunted, which do you consider the most challenging?"

Without hesitating V answered "Man."

I just had to mention this story in my resume, for several reasons. The first reason is that I think it’s absolutely hilarious. Second, I think this story is definitely an illustration of that principle I spoke about earlier in my resume when I talked about my experiences at the predominantly African-American high school I attended. The principle I’m referring to is: In some ways people are really, really different, and in other ways they’re really, really alike. I mean, despite the fact that they’re from completely different ethnic groups and cultures and have grown up in completely different political systems, doesn’t this corny and melodramatic statement by V sound exactly like something Kurtz would have said back in the days when he was dreaming of living his life like the movie Apocalypse Now?

Finally, this story about V brings to mind another principle that’s important in business, which is: Some things end, some things go on forever, and some things end and go on forever. For example, in one sense my resume is about to finish. But in another sense my resume, and your resume, and everybody’s resume, goes on and on. And yes, I admit that this statement of mine is every bit as corny and melodramatic as the things Kurtz and V say. Nevertheless, this statement is true. Then again, the things Kurtz and V say are also true, when you think about it.

Many years ago I was walking down the street in my chaotic neighborhood in Oakland, California, when a large human being came up behind me and, for no good reason that I’ve ever been able to figure out, punched me in the back of the head. Now, your humble applicant JK just happened to be carrying a handgun inside my pants at that moment (I don’t own handguns anymore, though). As I wheeled around in response to being attacked, I remember thinking in a flash that I had the means and maybe the excuse to live out that famous movie fantasy of ‘blowing away a bad guy’. But do you know what I actually did in this real life situation? I made distance between that guy and myself, and walked home.

Why did I retreat, rather than shoot this person who had assaulted and humiliated me without cause? I suppose I could offer all sorts of noble and/or practical reasons after the fact, but the true reason I didn’t shoot this person at the time was that, after having the thought that I could shoot him, I had another thought which can best be paraphrased this way: "I’m going to do the smart thing." And let me tell you, I frankly feel good about the fact that, when I had the cause and maybe even the right to do it, I decided that the smart thing is not to shoot people.

I did, however, go home and get a club and come back looking for this fellow. I found him, too, and I told him that I was going to hit him with that club if he didn’t let me punch him in the back of the head with my hand like he had done to me. It was interesting. This guy, who was much larger than your humble applicant (he was more than six feet, more than two hundred pounds, and I’m not) just stood there, frozen in a mixture of confusion and fear at the thought that he was dealing with someone even crazier than he was. As he stood there contemplating, I quickly leaned toward him, tapped him softly on the back of the head with my knuckles, and said "We’re even." Then I turned around and walked away. He mumbled "Right on," (I know it sounds hilarious, but that’s what he said!), and then he too started walking.

Why do I mention this bizarre incident in my resume? One reason is that I think it’s funny, to be honest. Another reason I mention this story in my resume is that I think it illustrates the following important principle: Some things really aren’t illustrative of any important principle whatsoever. I mean, aside from the fact that it’s better not to lose your temper merely because someone assaults you, I frankly don’t think this particular story illustrates much of anything.

The other day it occurred to me that there could be employers who might hesitate to hire your humble applicant, not because of my criminal record, nor because they disagree with my business philosophy and methods, nor even because I made disco records, but because I work for the CIA. Yes, I’m aware that some people consider the CIA to be bad (perhaps because in the past a small number of Agency officials have been involved in some inappropriate activities), and therefore don’t want anything to do with current or former Agency employees. When you think about it, though, if you don’t like the CIA, then that’s all the more reason for you to like your humble applicant John King. Why do I say this? Well, just look at the facts: I’ve spent CIA money and employed CIA personnel (money and personnel that might otherwise have been directed toward morally questionable projects) to do things that I’m sure everybody would agree are morally good if they were permitted to know about them. In the Bible Jesus says that those who do righteous things with unrighteous money can be accepted into Heaven (I’m not saying here that the CIA is unrighteous, but you know what I mean). In this spirit, rather than considering me a ‘bad person’ for working at CIA, I hope and am confident that informed and upstanding employers will count it as a point in your humble applicant’s favor.

What do you think would happen if everybody in the world practiced the principles in my resume? Do you think the result would be disastrous? Or do you think, if everybody in the world practiced the principles in my resume, the world would be great? I’ll tell you what I think. I think almost everybody in the world does practice the principles in my resume sooner or later. And I think the result of this is that the world is a disaster and the world is great.

I talk in my resume about seeking employment. But to be completely honest about it I have to say the following: If you’re truly succeeding in business, then in a very real sense you’ve already been employing John King for some time. And if you’re truly succeeding in business you know perfectly well what your humble applicant is saying here.

Not to break the continuity of this document, but I’ve been reflecting on what I wrote a little earlier about my resume possibly being made into a film someday, and I must admit that the more I think about this the more I think it’s a great idea. I mean, it would be extremely helpful to your humble applicant, since it would get me a lot more exposure among employers (assuming the film was seen by a lot of people, which I certainly hope would be the case). Also, it would be helpful to employers themselves, as well as to people seeking employment, since a good film version of my resume would no doubt include lots of my proven principles about how to do well in business and life. Furthermore, given the many entertaining anecdotes and vivid images in it, I’m frankly certain that my resume would make for an exciting, action-packed film, and a commercially successful one too.

So if there are any film producers reading this document, I’d like to humbly request that they seriously consider making my resume into a movie. In fact, now that I think of it, why not make my resume into a TV series as well? I can provide lots of entertaining stories in addition to the ones here (so that the show can run for many seasons on television). And really, while we’re on this whole subject, why not make my resume into a play, or even a musical? In all honesty I truly believe that any of these kinds of productions, or others, if done properly would be a big success. And like I said, a film, TV, theatrical, or other production of my resume would really help me as well as a lot of other very deserving and perhaps even needy people. Therefore, if you’re a film producer or some other kind of artist (and who isn’t these days, really?), please consider this idea which your humble applicant JK is proposing. Thank you.

Most experts agree that a business resume should include a brief statement about the applicant’s hobbies and other ‘outside’ interests. And yes, your humble applicant John King has many activities that I undertake for recreation. Some of my hobbies include listening to music, playing sports, going to yard sales with my beautiful wife, and (as I mentioned previously) doing volunteer work in jails and nursing homes. Really, I could write whole books about the interesting things I’ve seen and done while working with prisoners and the elderly (and in fact, I helped an inmate write a book about his and his fellow inmates’ experiences. It’s that book about the Holy Spirit which I mentioned earlier. In my opinion the book is excellent, and I’ll be happy to get you a copy if you’d like to take a look at it).

A quick story about my nursing home work, the significance of which I’m sure won’t be lost on good employers. One day I was in the chapel at the nursing home helping residents pray the Rosary, when a charming old lady named Violet came in as usual (though a Baptist, Violet regularly attends Rosary, mostly because she keeps forgetting that she isn’t Catholic). Anyway, Violet rolled into the room in her wheelchair and asked me to pray for her and ‘lay hands’ on her arms, which were covered with painful sores and had been bothering her for weeks.

I remember it like it happened yesterday. She said "If you pray for me, I’ll be healed."

I shrugged and said "All right, I ask it."

I put my hands on her arms and thought about what Jesus teaches regarding the Holy Spirit and the Kingdom of God (you know, the fact that God, who is love, happiness, and well-being, is in everyone who accepts Him). I visited Violet a few days later, and her sores were completely gone. I mean, I saw it; it really happened. It’s God who heals people, of course. But I figure it can’t hurt to include this story in my resume.

I stood with my friends from the Brazilian secret police, enjoying hors d’oeuvres at the banquet in the beautiful resort house on the mountain overlooking the lake. The house was so new you could still smell the odor of fresh-cut wood. I looked out the deck window and saw the moon and stars reflecting perfectly off the great, still waters below. Some fine samba music was playing softly somewhere. Brazilians and their North American guests mingled and chatted pleasantly.

One of my friends from the Brazilian secret police (not the blond guy who had a transvestite boyfriend; the other, darker one) said to me "Do you know what’s on that island?"

I looked out toward the middle of the lake and noticed an island with a huge stone building made gray by the moonlight.

"No," I said, "What’s on that island?"

He answered casually "A prison for Communists."

I looked out through the window at the island and the huge stone building made gray by the moonlight. I looked at the great, still waters perfectly reflecting the moon and stars. I looked at the walls of the beautiful resort house, smelled the fresh-cut wood, looked at the genuinely nice people talking around me, heard the fine music.

Then I looked at my friend from the Brazilian secret police and said "Oh."

There’s a saying carved in stone at the main entrance to CIA Headquarters: You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. This saying, of course, is also in the Bible. You see, the CIA got this idea from God. Either that, or God got this idea from the CIA.

I remember thinking that night in Brazil that I shouldn’t be there in that beautiful resort house eating hors d’oeuvres and listening to nice music while those poor Communists were in prison a few hundred meters away. I also remember thinking that I would like to free those poor Communists from that prison. Not long after I had this thought, the Brazilian government released them. You see, the Brazilians, like the North Americans, like the Russians, like just about everybody in the world, got bored with Communism. The government in Brasilia, no doubt looking for a way to save money, ordered the authorities at the prison to tell those damned Communists to get the hell out. I mean, how dare you people make us spend taxpayers’ money to keep you incarcerated? There are poor people in this country who need help, you know.

At a correctional facility where I do volunteer work I once helped a prisoner write a book about the Holy Spirit. When the time came for this prisoner to be released, I read what we had written together during the previous several months, and I realized that, in a very true sense, before I went into that jail I myself had been a prisoner, and after I went into that jail I was set free. I told this to the inmate, and he laughed at me. Then he said "You’re right."

What does all this have to do with my resume? Here’s what I think: My resume is in me, and I am in my resume. And you are in my resume. And the truth is in my resume, and my resume is in the truth. Therefore, if you read my resume and employ John King in your business, your business will be set free. Not only that, you’ll increase your profits, lower your costs, and greatly improve the satisfaction of your customer. I guarantee it. As a matter of fact, if you employ me in your business and don’t like the results, you don’t have to pay me. Isn’t that fair?

You know how some employers ask applicants if they’ve ever left a job and, if so, what their reasons for leaving the job were? Well, I can tell you honestly that your humble applicant JK never leaves a job undone, and that I’m totally loyal to those for whom and with whom I work. Obviously, though, I have quit employment before (I left Miss Thing, of course, and went to school). In fact, to be honest, I was sort of fired by Miss Thing. I say "sort of fired" because, when the musician with whom they tried to replace me quit after only a week, Miss Thing and his management tried to bring me back without my knowing that they had earlier intended to get rid of me. Although I wasn’t angry at Miss Thing for having tried to replace me (on the contrary, I was extremely happy to be asked back) I nevertheless decided to move on.

Anyway, here’s how I came to part ways with the legendary disco singer Miss Thing. It was after we had finished our second big US and international tour. We were all sitting around at home; some of the musicians were playing temporarily with other groups, other musicians (like myself) were recording our own music (with some of the riches I earned playing with Miss Thing I bought recording equipment and produced some really excellent songs on which I played all the instruments and sang; if you’re interested I’ll let you hear some of these songs sometime). In general, then, everybody was taking a break and pursuing new projects, including Miss Thing himself. Well, one day when I hadn’t heard from anybody in weeks and was beginning to wonder if something bad was happening, I got a phone call from James our guitar player who told me that, sure enough, he’d been to a Miss Thing rehearsal, and a new bassist was there.

Now, although Miss Thing was actually quite loyal to his musicians (compared with most other stars, anyway) the fact was that as long as you played with MT you had to live with the constant possibility that at any moment The Queen might get in one of her moods and say "Off with their heads!" So when my moment finally came, I wasn’t upset. In any case, here’s what had happened: Miss Thing had gone out and hired a true gem of a bass player, none other than the famous Jack Blades, who had played with several seriously successful rock groups and had recorded albums that had sold millions. I mean, I was frankly flattered to have been replaced by someone with such a big name.

I thanked James for calling me with this information and asked him to keep me updated. And within a couple of days it became clear from James’ ‘intel reports’ that events were definitely developing in your humble applicant JK’s favor. You see, Jack Blades showed up that first week of rehearsal, learned the songs, got his pay, and then began questioning the viability of the whole Miss Thing operation. By the end of the week James said that Jack was definitely thinking about getting out while he still could. I told James "Please continue to keep me informed, and whatever you do, don’t let Miss Thing and his management know that I know what’s happening." James said OK.

A couple of days later James called to tell me that Jack Blades had in fact decided to join another group (I think that other group was Night Ranger, who shortly thereafter had a multi-million selling single and album). I then made the following request to James: "Tell Miss Thing and his management ‘John doesn’t know he’s been replaced; maybe we should call him and tell him to show up for rehearsal.’" James spoke to them that afternoon as I requested. Later that same evening my phone rang. It was James. He said "You won’t believe it, man, but you’re back in! Rehearsal is tomorrow."

It’s hard for me to explain just how happy I felt on learning that I was still Miss Thing’s bass player. First of all, a new tour was coming up, and being a typical musician I was itching to get back out on the road (and being a typical musician, I knew darn well that the second day I was out on the road I would start hating being on the road and would begin counting the days until the tour was over). In other words, I was experiencing that good old wanderlust, and was extremely excited to know that there was ‘a ticket to Everyplace’ with my name on it. Second, I was very close to all the guys in the band, and the thought that I’d be with them again made me feel absolutely wonderful. And of course, I felt a real sense of accomplishment at having ‘cheated death’ and manipulating The Queen herself into letting me remain a member of her royal court.

It’s funny the way things work out in life. During those weeks following the end of our tour, in addition to recording my own music, I had been taking a couple of economics courses at the local community college. Do you remember how I told you that it was my inability to understand some economics equations that resulted in my studying mathematics? Well, the same day that I was supposed to show up for rehearsal with Miss Thing, I was scheduled to have a mid-term exam in one of those economics classes. The night I talked to James and was told I was back in the group, I went to bed assuming that I’d be calling the economics teacher the next day to tell him I was going to have to drop his course.

However, at six a.m. the following morning I suddenly awoke, sat up in bed fully alert (which at six a.m. is a pretty rare thing for most musicians to do), and thought about that economics mid-term. As I sat there in my bed in the dark of the morning I realized that I wasn’t going to play music professionally anymore; I was going to do something else with my life. Just what I was going to do, I didn’t know exactly, but I called James later that morning and told him I wouldn’t be coming to rehearsal. I went to the economics mid-term instead, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I saw Miss Thing one more time about a year later. I went to a club in San Francisco where he was performing, saw his show, said hi to all my old buddies in the band, and had a fun time. During his show Miss Thing noticed me standing in the audience at the front of the stage, and smiled and waved at me. His new bass player was a lesbian who, seeing me there and knowing who I was, started playing lots of complicated bass lines and looking at me with an hilariously eager expression on her face as if to ask ‘What do you think? Aren’t I pretty good?’ I had to admit that she was in fact pretty good, and I made lots of faces back at her to express this sentiment. About four years after this Miss Thing had another hugely successful album like the first one I recorded with him. This album, the name of which I frankly forget, had two or three singles that got airplay, and it sold at least a million copies. By this time I was running around in the jungle with the CIA, so when I saw a Miss Thing music video on MTV at a secret CIA base one night, well, believe me, it was an interesting feeling.

I’ve talked in my resume about my job qualifications and experience, my education and relevant biographical info, my work philosophy, and other things that hopefully will make you want to employ your humble applicant John King. What else should I talk about?

It’s customary for job applicants to furnish employers with a list of references, that is, the names of persons who they believe will verify the good things they say about themselves. So the question is: Who can I offer as a reference?

Sadly, a few years ago Miss Thing died of AIDS. After his death the record company released several new compilations of his hit songs and re-released some of his old albums. Now that Miss Thing is singing in the Great Disco in Heaven, I go into music stores and see my name on more records than I did when he was alive. The Queen is dead, long live The Queen. The point is that Miss Thing probably isn’t going to be endorsing your humble applicant JK, at least not in a worldly sense. As for my other musician buddies, if you know anything about ‘the music biz’, then you can understand why I have absolutely no idea where any of my former music associates are at this time. If any musician out there remembers John King and is willing to be a reference, please contact me as soon as possible.

Regarding references at CIA, well, I’m sure you won’t be surprised when I tell you that the CIA doesn’t give references. You know, security and all that.

No, the simple fact is that your humble applicant John King can’t offer many references from the famous or the well-connected. Instead (and please don’t think I’m being self-righteous or melodramatic when I say this), the humble are my references. That’s right, I’m talking about my friends in jails and nursing homes where I do volunteer work.

For example, there’s Mike, a convicted sex offender whom I helped learn the Catechism in prison, and who as a result was baptized and confirmed into the Catholic Church. While it’s true that Mike doesn’t have a lot of business connections at the moment (and probably won’t have many for another seven years or so), he has been taking classes in prison with Toastmasters, and is consequently becoming a noticeably better public speaker and more focused thinker. I’m pretty sure Mike would be willing to give me an endorsement.

There’s another convict named Andres with whom I frequently get together to talk about life. He hasn’t been offered big money for his work yet, but he learned to paint watercolors a couple of years ago in jail using colors he produces from soaking pieces of candy in little paper cups of water he keeps in his cell. I have a painting of the Cross which Andres made for me; it’s hanging in my living room and several guests have said complementary things about it. Andres, I’m confident, would happily agree to be a reference for your humble applicant JK.

It’s the same with the residents at the nursing home. For instance, there’s Tim (who graduated from West Point, so you know his endorsement is worth something). True, Tim hasn’t been able to speak a complete coherent sentence since approximately 1970, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a good reference. Tim and I have talked many times about military topics, and I just know he’d be willing to offer a good word on my behalf.

Additionally, there’s Alice, who without fail answers every question that’s put to her with this statement: "I’m burping now. I apologize, but if it happens, it happens." Though Alice hasn’t had any of her work exhibited professionally, she has produced some good crayon drawings (and not just in my opinion; the people at the nursing home hung one of her creations in their lobby. It’s a surprisingly good study of flowers in a vase). Alice and I have been friends for a long time now, and I’m pretty certain she’d agree that your humble applicant John King is somebody you should employ (though if you ask her about me, please be aware that she’ll probably want to talk about burping first).

So although I can’t offer references from my years in music or from my contacts in the US Intelligence Community, I do know a lot of convicted criminals and nursing home residents who are pretty good people, and who I believe will speak for me. I recognize, of course, that some employers might read this statement and conclude that many of the events I’ve recounted here in my resume are fictional. To those persons I can only say the following: My resume is as true as any resume ever written, and much truer than most. Every wise employer will understand my meaning here.

Many business resumes have what’s called a Summary of Qualifications. A Summary of Qualifications is a short statement, usually a sentence or two in length, containing the most relevant information about the person requesting employment. It’s included, sometimes at the beginning of a resume, sometimes at the end, and sometimes at both the beginning and the end, to provide employers with a brief summary of the main reasons they should hire the applicant.

Anyway, since my resume is a little longer than most I’ve decided to include a Summary of Qualifications in it. Here’s the Summary of Qualifications for my resume:

Summary of Qualifications:

John Alejandro King can dig, and John Alejandro King can not dig.

Yep, that’s right, I’ve decided to base my Summary of Qualifications on that old Russian joke my beautiful wife told me. In fact, it was my beautiful wife’s idea that I do this. And I mean, you’ve got to admit it’s a perfect fit.

Well, this is my resume, the resume of John Alejandro King, famous bass player, not-so-famous semiprofessional baseball player, mathematician, philosopher, very famous CIA intelligence officer, successful project manager, and a knowledgeable, productive, and highly motivated person. What do you think? Could there be room for me in your business? Like I said in my Summary of Qualifications, I can definitely help you increase the profitability of your operation if you give me a chance.

Incidentally, a DO (Directorate of Operations) customer for a couple of projects I’m doing recently asked me to transfer permanently from my office to his. If this happens I’ll become a DO officer (that’s right, me, your humble applicant JK, an ops officer. Don’t you just love it?), and I’ll therefore have to undertake many new missions to many CIA stations overseas. Can you see new chapters in my resume being written even now? I know I can!

Even though I’m still in demand at CIA and enjoy doing intelligence work, and although I know I’d miss my friends at the Agency if I were to leave, I can’t stop thinking that it might be time for a career change. I mean, I have a craving to teach, or to do consulting, or maybe to write (I’d like to be a journalist or a comedy writer. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it I’m sure I could do both of these jobs simultaneously). And of course, I can carry things. And I can dig (or not dig). Really, though, if anybody needs help with their business, your humble applicant John King is ready and willing to assist. And surely you’ll agree that I have the requisite knowledge and experience.

And what experiences! You know, I truly believe that even if I wrote a resume that was a million pages, it wouldn’t be long enough to contain all the interesting things I’ve seen, done, and learned about. There just isn’t enough time and space!

Speaking of time and space, the above fact brings to mind a great truth I read in a little-known book by a little-known writer named Anna Fitch Ferguson. I bought her book (which is called Bits of Philosophy) several years ago at a used book store for three dollars, and liked it a lot. I’m sure this book can be useful to the career of any person who reads it. Anyway, here’s that truth which Anna Fitch Ferguson wrote in her book (and which your humble applicant has rewritten slightly in order to make it more readable in our context): The whole universe isn’t large enough to fully contain even one soul.

Recognizing that I can’t possibly say everything I’d like to say in this document, I nevertheless want to mention a few more business principles before closing. As always, I write these ideas in order to show employers that your humble applicant John King is wise in the ways of work, and also to inform any person seeking employment who happens to read my resume what it is that a good employer is really looking for, and what they, the people seeking employment, should know and do in order to be employed profitably.

So here are some additional business principles (please note that these principles aren’t necessarily listed in order of priority):

Business is life, and life is business. As for what this statement means, well, without trying to appear dramatic, let me say that I believe the answer to that question is written on every page of this document.

Some of the greatest business wisdom is: Don’t spend too much time seeking business wisdom. Just be busy and make yourself more and more useful, and you’ll learn everything you need to know.

Don’t worry. Like I said before, everything is going to be all right. In fact, everything is probably all right now, though at the moment you might not realize it.

Be flexible. Always, always, be flexible, especially when applying this principle!

Seek greater knowledge. Knowledge isn’t the most important thing there is, but it’s definitely valuable. Get as much good knowledge as you can.

Do business righteously. As for how to know whether you’re doing business righteously or not, if you frequently ask yourself "Am I doing business righteously?" and if you really try to do business righteously, then you’re probably doing business righteously.

Have lots of interesting experiences. I’m not saying you have to join the CIA, play bass in disco bands, get thrown in jail, etc. No, you can have lots of interesting experiences just by living, working an ordinary job somewhere, and raising kids.

Reflect on your experiences. Think about the things you’ve seen and done, and what these things can teach you about living and working. If you do this, I bet you’ll realize that you’ve had at least as many interesting and valuable experiences as I, your humble applicant John King, have.

Feel wonder. You know how I just said that knowledge isn’t the most important thing there is? Well, one reason I said this is that wonder is even more important than knowledge. You see, it’s because they feel wonder (in other words, because they’re thrilled and amazed by things) that successful people are inspired to seek greater knowledge in the first place.

On the other hand, it’s also true that the greater the knowledge you obtain, the more wonder you can feel, which is another reason why it’s good to seek greater knowledge, to have lots of interesting experiences, and to reflect on those experiences.

Give your life for others. I’m not talking about killing yourself; on the contrary, I’m talking about really being alive!

Be loving. This is the most important principle you’ll ever read anywhere. In fact, all the other principles in my resume, and all the ideas in every truthful book ever written, are really just expressions of this one.

Believe in God. See the above principle about being loving.

Have fun. Don’t have fun in a way that hurts people or is bad for business, but definitely, definitely, have fun.

That’s pretty much all I have to say for now in my resume. If you’d like to talk more with your humble applicant John King, whether it’s about a specific job you wish to employ me in, or any other topic, please feel free to call on me at any hour, day or night. Like I said, I’m always available. Thank you for reading my resume. I hope to be speaking with you again in the very near future!

Postscript: The other day I heard a new R&B song on the radio that ‘samples’ (in other words, uses a recording of) my bass playing on an old Miss Thing record. It was about five a.m. and I was writing on my computer and listening to my headphones when I heard a bass line that made me say "Hmm, this bass line has possibilities." Then I suddenly thought "Hey! No wonder I think this bass line has possibilities! It’s moi!" The song is called I Don’t Feel You, and it’s by a singer named Yvonne Mitchell. So now, almost exactly twenty years to the day after I recorded the music, your humble applicant John Alejandro King is once again ‘on the charts’.

Isn’t life amazing?

Second Postscript: I wish to remind readers that, except where explicitly stated otherwise, all mention of the CIA in my resume refers to the Career Intelligence Agency and no other organization anywhere in space or time.

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