WhoKilledCC?

If you've ever been killed, you probably have some idea of how life-altering an experience it can be. Being killed frequently results in profound changes in a person's behavior and relationships, and often fundamentally transforms the way people view themselves and their place in the world. While each individual responds to being killed in his or her own unique way, everybody who is killed seems to agree on one thing: being killed changes a person forever.

In the case of John Alejandro King, a.k.a. The Covert Comic, semi-celebrated CIA research manager, poet, and activist, being killed seems to have awakened a greater appreciation of the transitory nature of his existence in the world, and of the need to more fully express his life - and his death - as well as his thoughts on who his killers might be and how and why they might have killed him (and also how they might be prevented from killing him in the future).

So it is that The Covert Comic has compiled the following collection of quotes, maxims and witticisms (not to mention quips and proverbs), which represent his views on being a CIA officer, both living and dead. It is anticipated that, if sufficient interest is or isn't shown in this document, The Covert Comic may produce additional works in the future on this important subject. In this way we may eventually come to a definitive answer to the pressing question: Who killed The Covert Comic?

Jim Beetel

Somewhere near Washington DC

3 April 2004

Who killed The Covert Comic? My theory is that, because he worked for the United States Intelligence Community ('USIC' for short) and therefore wasn't well known outside Government circles, the list of suspects can be limited to anyone who ever attended one of his intelligence briefings, or visited his web site, or stood within being shot of his physical person.

In other words, at this point I'm thinking The Covert Comic may have committed suicide.

- Unidentified CIA official

A lot of left-wing types get hostile when I tell them I work for the CIA. Then I tell them I'm just kidding, and they laugh. But then I tell them no, actually, I really do work for the CIA. Then they get hostile again.

You'd think, when I tell them I was joking the whole time, they'd laugh again. But for some reason they usually stay hostile at that point.

- In Berkeley, California

A CIA Counterintelligence official, polling the audience before the start of a briefing on CI: What do you hope to get out of this meeting?

The Covert Comic: That's what I hope to get: out of this meeting.

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at Gandhi. They laughed at Albert Schweitzer.

Though I can see laughing at Albert Schweitzer. I mean, Albert Schweitzer is a pretty funny name.

- Relatively near the Congo

Researchers say humor is such a complex phenomenon that it may never be possible to completely pinpoint what makes a joke funny.

I say: Quit it, you're killing me!

- In Fairfax, Virginia

Human shields: you'd think that would be a good thing.

- Possibly not in Kirkuk, Iraq (which is a pretty funny name, if you think about it)

In the interest of our National Security, I think whenever there's an unknown but apparently dangerous situation developing, instead of saying, 'There's an unknown but apparently dangerous situation developing,' people should say: 'Rak!' That way we avoid wasting precious seconds communicating this information, and lives can be saved.

Also, instead of having to say what I just said, I think people should just say: 'Fook!'

- At a briefing to Department of Homeland Security officials

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Not lifting weights doesn't kill me.

Therefore, not lifting weights makes me stronger.

- To Iraqi philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at the CIA’s expense

You overthrew the government?!

I needed that government!

- [Context classified]

We're gonna bomb them into elementary particles. And then we're gonna bomb their elementary particles into even more elementary particles.

- In Lafghanistan

Hey! Oil!

- Kidding around during an excavation of a mass grave near Mosul, Iraq

'That Covert Comic guy. I [officially don't] want him killed.'

Why Was The Covert Comic Killed?

You know how some CIA officers are killed for knowing too much? My theory is that, being a CIA officer and a Zen master, The Covert Comic was killed for knowing he didn't know too much.

But that's just a theory - I don't really know for sure.

- Unidentified CIA official

Annie Dillard: Write as if you are dying.

The Covert Comic: Shouldn't she have written: 'Write as if you are dying ... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... ?

If you can’t say something nice, at least say something classified.

- [Context unclassified]

I used to think blowing away Third World peasant insurgents from a Huey assault helicopter somehow served our national security.

But now I realize: A Huey?! Hey, more like an Apache AH-64D Longbow, baby!

- In Lafghanistan

Before deciding to seek a career in covert intelligence, ask yourself: 'Do I really want to ask myself before deciding to seek a career in covert intelligence?'

- To a reader who asked about seeking a career in covert intelligence

I am not part of the problem. The problem is part of me.

- During a team building course at State Department

Michael Wikoff: Give the average man the right to say whatever he wants to say, and he will usually say whatever you want him to say.

The Covert Comic: This is what we wanted Michael Wikoff to say.

Over 17 years of Western civilization are at stake here!

- Somewhat near Baghdad

Words can't describe the feeling I had on witnessing the birth of my first child.

But a sound can: 'Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!'

- After witnessing the birth of his first daughter

For every action, there isn't an equal and opposite reaction. I pretty much had to say that.

- Commenting on Newton's Third Law of Motion

Recently scholars discovered an old law on the books in northeast Canada offering two hundred dollars for an Indian scalp. The Canadian government says it’s going to repeal the law, but is this a good idea? I mean, what if you happen to find an Indian scalp lying around? Where's the incentive to turn it in?

- In far southeastern 'Canada'

[Name classified]: How did he die?

The Covert Comic: Natural causes.

[Name classified]: ... Natural causes? Looks like a bullet hole in his head there, wouldn't you say?

The Covert Comic: Well, to die if you get shot in the head, that's natural, isn't it?

The Covert Comic is dead? He will be missed. I don't know when, exactly, but he will be.

- Unidentified CIA official

Covert agents in mourning

How Was The Covert Comic Killed?

By definition, he must have been killed while giving an intelligence briefing. I mean, those jokes he used to tell! He didn't just die on stage, he died and was buried six feet under the floor. Only time I ever saw a CIA officer give a top secret briefing and actually have food thrown at him from the audience.

- Unidentified CIA official

Melvin.

- When asked by his first grade teacher to name an animal that lives in Africa

The best weapon of a dictatorship is secrecy.

By the way, that information is classified.

- [Context classified]

Nice personalities. Are they real?

- To a female Green Party official he was recruiting

All the wisdom of the ages can be expressed in a single sentence ... although admittedly it's a pretty long sentence.

- Not to a fellow CT (and major babe) at Camp Peary, a.k.a. 'The Farm'

Goethe: There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.

The Covert Comic: Aghhhhhhhhhh!!!!

A CI official: I hope we don't find out that you've been lying to us about your involvement with those Guatemalan officials.

The Covert Comic: I hope you don't find that out either.

One technical term I think needs clarifying: Is it up the wazoo, or out the wazoo?

- Extremely near the State Department

H. L. Mencken: The New England shopkeepers and theologians never really developed a civilization; all they ever developed was a government. They were, at their best, tawdry and tacky fellows, oafish in manner and devoid of imagination.

The Covert Comic: Maybe. But they sure had some breathtaking group sex.

Going to church has definitely changed my life. Because before, I didn't go to church.

- While driving past a church

I saw this kid on the New York subway. He was sitting there waving his arms around. Then he tried to chew on his foot.

His mother told me, "He's autistic."

I said, "Yeah, he's behaving like many famous novelists and poets."

- To a guy from NIMA

'Bond. James Bond.'

Corny? Sure. But it does sound better than: 'Fleming. Ian Fleming.'

- Next to the Berlin Wall memorial at HQS

Lafghan peasant: You Super Bowl?

The Covert Comic: Only Allah is Super Bowl. Me 'Nokia Sugar Bowl.'

Whoever thinks Operation Desert Storm wasn't funny never watched the documentary on fast forward.

- During Operation Desert Storm

No, pain is a good thing. It means I'm damaging your body, and you'll die soon if you don't stop resisting me.

- To a DI analyst on the basketball court (or at an intelligence briefing, or both)

When he tells you: ‘I love you more than life itself,' make sure he's not saying he’d rather be married to you than have a life.

- To an impressionable young case officeress

I read that fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger likes gardening and collecting works by Andy Warhol. Though I'm assuming not at the same time.

- In the White House Situation Room

My grandpa told me: "When I was your age, we didn't have air conditioning."

I said: "Well that was pretty stupid of you!"

- In a place with and without air conditioning

I know who killed The Covert Comic ...

When, Precisely, Was The Covert Comic Killed?

One does not ask 'when' The Covert Comic was killed. One asks 'where' the bathrooms are.

- Unidentified CIA official

When gazing into an abyss, I think you should actually have to be there. Gazing at a video of an abyss shouldn't count in my opinion.

- To Iraqi philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at the CIA’s expense

I don’t think it’s wrong for women to have fake boobs, as long as they were born with them.

- To some fake women (or some fake boobs, whichever came first)

Zen master Seng-T'san: To set up what you like against what you dislike - this is the disease of the mind.

Zen master The Covert Comic: If he doesn't like that, what does he like?

My conscience is clear. In fact, my conscience is so clear it's practically invisible.

- Near a journalist from National Public Radio

I've never quite been comfortable with the fact that lionesses raise the young and do all the hunting, while the lions lay around in the shade all day.

I mean, shouldn't the lionesses be fanning the lions?

- To an impressionable semi-young case officeress

'Never laugh at a clown with a gun?' Shouldn’t that be: Always laugh at a clown with a gun?

- To a reasonably appreciative audience at a State Department briefing

I wrote a short story for my church publication. It’s about a twelve-year-old girl's journey from doubt to faith.

But what readers don't know, is that in the story the girl is naked the whole time.

- Just kidding around with some fellow Cathoholics

Ralph Waldo Emerson: People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character.

The Covert Comic: Yeah, but look who's saying this.

Minds are like parachutes: unless you skydive, they're really not very useful for anything.

- At FBI Headquarters

When it comes to school, men and women tend to have very different perspectives. For instance, women tend to view school in terms of its ability to nurture, to instill social values, and to help individuals become more informed and empowered. Men, on the other hand, tend to look at school and think, 'How can I get that school to have sex with me?'

- While watching a really hot school walk by

Everyone likes a killer, but nobody lends him money.

... What? The word is 'kidder?'

Oh. Well, that too.

- [Context classified]

Where I come from, being bisexual means using both hands.

- To some people who weren't from where he comes

CIA case officeress: Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?

The Covert Comic: Only if it has electrodes attached to it.

CIA case officeress: It does.

The Covert Comic: Then ... 'ouch.'

I used to wonder why Europeans were so critical of American food, American films, and American music. Then I went over there and saw the problem: Europeans are confused - they've been eating American films, listening to American food, and watching American music.

- While chompin' on a Hebrew National

A feminist: If you want to know the meaning of struggle, try being born female.

The Covert Comic: Unnhhh. Unnhhhhhhh!

... Wow lady, you're right.

If I could be anywhere at this moment, I think I would.

- [Midwestern farm state location classified]

Anonymous expression of solidarity

Berlin Wall Memorial, CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia

~07:50 a.m., 14 April 2004

Sure, the Big Bang probably could have been bigger. But I still think God did a pretty good job.

- In a bar near the cosmos

It's OK, some of my best agents shoot at me.

- After an African developmental accidentally discharged a firearm a few inches from The Covert Comic's foot

I disagree that Voltaire wrote: "I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it," but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

- After reading Evelyn Beatrice Hall

When I first heard about homophobia, I was frankly kind of apathetic. But later, as I thought more about it, I became outraged.

I guess I'll keep thinking about homophobia, to see what happens to me next.

- In Georgetown

If America didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent it. That's the chief difference between America and Canada.

- [Context classified]

Why do women wear makeup? Because they can.

- At a transvestite bar in DC

I used to wonder why somebody didn't do something for peace. Then I realized that I am somebody.

So now I know why somebody doesn't do something for peace.

- To himself

Aristotle Onassis: The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The Covert Comic: At least that was the secret of success.

You think being alone at night in New York's Central Park is dangerous? Try being alone at night in Central Park with a loaded machine gun. Now that's dangerous.

- Briefing a delegation from BATF

I read this quote by Aleister Crowley: "I do not want to have anything to do with a conventionally minded person any more than I want to eat canned salmon."

Talk about a wake-up call: I was eating canned salmon when I read this.

- In Fairfax, Virginia

Inside CIA Operations Center: television news updates, and a makeshift shrine

What Were You Doing When You Learned That The Covert Comic Had Been Killed?

Laughing my ass off, what else?

- Unidentified CIA official

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Walk all over me. I like it.

- To/from Johnny Walker

The best way to stop racism is to stop racists. And the best way to stop racists, in my opinion, is to develop some sort of very potent 'stopping' technology.

- At the United Nations

Trust me, it's overrated. For instance, most of the time the sex cabin isn't even half-full.

- Relating what it's like to fly Business Class to a cousin from West Virginiastan

I read that knowledge is power, and right after that I bench pressed three hundred fifty pounds.

- To Iraqi philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at the CIA’s expense

Admit it, ladies. You want a man who's pathologically attracted to you, and you only, all the time. In other words, you want a man like those sickos with an underwear fetish, except that it's a you fetish.

- To ladies

You could do worse than have the CIA infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives. For example, the CIA could infiltrate and control Third World peasant cooperatives, and make all the peasants wear clown suits.

- At a bookstore in Berkeley, California

I'm not arrogant. I'm Amerrogant.

- While brandishing an M-16 and a Calimocho Cia near Kir-Kook

One question I have for homeless people: Who doesn't work for food?!

- To some people who were homeless, but didn't know it

Not as long as they don't open the bags while I'm standing there.

- When asked by an anti-war activist if he was concerned about the possibility of seeing US soldiers sent home from the Middle East in body bags

How do I know it's you?

- To an official from FBI Counterintelligence (no contradiction in terms there, I'm genuinely sorry to report) who was attempting, with evident difficulty, to question him

Friends and lovers may come and go. As long as they go.

- To an impressionable young case officeress

Remember, human shields shield humans.

- Moments before being killed

Fleetingness is here to stay.

- Millions of years after being killed

See? I told you we should have stayed in the frying pan!

- In the fire

'I can neither confirm nor deny that it's a miracle ...'

- Unidentified CIA cleric in Northern Virginiastan

Vegetius said: If you want peace, prepare for war.

Paul the Apostle said: If you want peace, work for justice.

Twenty dollars says: Vegetius kicks Paul's ass in a paint-ball fight.

- In a paint-ball fight

Every time I grab some guy's nose with a pair of 4-foot gardening shears like in those Three Stooges movies, I think to myself: 'Once again, life imitates art.'

- In a Ukrainian hardware store

Damn you, Al Qaeda! I was doing pretty well with my 'If-I-don't-get-laid-tonight-I'm-flying-a-hijacked-airliner-into-the-World-Trade-Center' pickup line.

- Shortly before scoring big time with a hot new pickup line about 'dirty bombs'

I'm not a periodontist - periodontists clean people's gums. I'm a Periodontist - I believe periodontists should seize control of the means of production.

- [Context classified]

Psychologists claim little boys often respect their father because his penis is larger than theirs. So when my nine-month-old saw me changing clothes, I told him: "That's right, I'm the boss around this house.

… For another six months, anyway."

- During his Routine Security Reinvestigation

The United Nations was founded in 1945, right after World War Two ended.

Think about it: we were that close to not fighting World War Two.

- To a reasonably appreciative audience at UN Headquarters

It’s sobering to think that there was a time in this country when women couldn’t vote.

I mean, how hard is it to vote, for crying out loud?!

- To a women

It's said that marital sex between two human beings is one of the most beautiful acts imaginable.

Therefore, if you're a human being, and you're planning to get married, make sure it's to another human being.

- To an impressionable young human beingess

Remember: scientists who say we only use one tenth of our brains are only using one tenth of their brains when they say this.

- Nanoseconds before killed

Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling. For instance, if Jesus truly believed in non-violence, why did He destroy the Death Star?

- At a Legion of Mary meeting

If you have to explain to people that you're not really naked, you might as well be.

- To a scantily clad 'globese' anti-war demonstrator near CIA Headquarters

I love you more than wife itself.

- Just kidding around with a case officeress friend

Who killed The Covert Comic? The problem with this question is that it assumes John Alejandro King actually had a life in the first place.

- Unidentified CIA official

Around the world, millions march in remembrance of The Covert Comic

It's fine to talk about building a new and better world, so long as we don't lose sight of the profound challenges involved. For example, where are we supposed to get all that extra dirt?

- In Berkeley, California

There's something happening in America today, something most Americans know nothing about.

And I am one of those Americans. So the point is, don't expect to learn much about it from me.

- [Context unknown]

Geoffrey F. Abert: The most important thing about goals is having one.

The Covert Comic: And that's my goal.

People criticize the CIA for overthrowing Third World governments. But what about us CIA officials who were backing those Third World governments? Who's going to give us promotions, now that we look totally stupid?

- To a journalist from msn.com

In my opinion, a woman doesn't deserve the title of 'supermodel' until she proves she can actually fly.

- To Iraqi philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at the CIA’s expense

'If the van is a-rockin', don't bother knockin'.'

... Didn't Buddha say that?

- [Context unknowable]

A Lesbian once said to me: "You don't know what it's like to be a Lesbian."

... Well sure, I know what it's like.

- To someone who was like a Lesbian

W. E. B. DuBois: The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression.

The Covert Comic: I just heard the Government is offering a big discount on repression.

Remember, if it weren't for animal testing, we wouldn't know that animal testing can be harmful to animals.

- To a bunny

It is said that comedy equals tragedy plus time. I used to think this was tragic, but now I think it’s kind of comical.

- After reading the CIA exposé 'A Decent Interval'

In order to send a more positive message, instead of smashing their guitars at the end of a concert, maybe rock stars could reconstruct guitars out of broken parts and play a song on them.

- At a Legion of Mary meeting, St. Michael's parish, Northern Virginiastan

Don't get a life.

- Responding to an e-mail from a hostile reader

Opinions are like ass holes: if you share yours constantly, sooner or later you're gonna wind up with purple blotches all over your body.

- Addressing a group of high school students in Minnesota

They say the sport of shooting is interesting only if you're on the correct side of the gun. However, I can confirm from personal experience that if you're on the incorrect side of the gun, the sport of shooting is not without a certain captivating aspect.

- [Context classified]

You mean, like Kentucky or Tennessee?

- When told that his uncle was in a persistent vegetative state

The following is a promotional treatment for a classified book I may or may not be working on. The book may or may not be called 'Atonement.'

Atonement:

How People in the Third World Can Repay the CIA

For

All the Good Work the CIA Has Done for Them

Major hint: it's about learning to form a single line, people ...

The De Mohrenschildt Connection

There have been hundreds of books written about the assassination of The Covert Comic, but none has ever focused on the role played by George Baron De Mohrenschildt.

And if you've ever tried to pronounce 'George Baron De Mohrenschildt,' I think you'll agree that this is probably the way it should remain.

- Unidentified CIA official

There's no place like home.

... Thank God.

- Shortly before going back out TDY

That Canadian news program, The Eleventh Hour, is so progressive, you actually want to be killed by terrorists, just so the underlying causes of terrorism can be thoughtfully and compassionately explored.

- To a 'Canadian' (for additional details regarding the truth about 'Canada,' please consult the Covert Comic's classified work Secrets For Sale)

I read a quote attributed to the Beatles. What did they do, speak it in unison?

- In unison

If they’re fake boobs, is it really pornography?

- In a CIA chat room (after CIA chat rooms were officially closed down)

If Dr. Moreau had owned a vacuum cleaner, he'd probably be alive today.

- To Iraqi philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at the CIA’s expense

Ivan Stang said: "We all know how stupid the average person is. Now realize that, by definition, fifty percent of the population is dumber than that."

Bad news for Ivan Stang: he's actually referring to the median person.

- In Reston, Virginia

If you ever see me drunk with power, then I hereby order you: give me another drink.

- In Vienna, Virginia

Recently I made a rather startling discovery: if you remove the last word, or couple of words, of a famous quote, then attach the first part of the quote to the name of its author, the resulting transformed passage is often even more insightful and enlightening than the original saying.

Please understand, I'm not referring here to the inadvertently clever re-rendering of one or two well known phrases. No, I'm talking about the definitive clarification and amplification of dozens and dozens (and perhaps at some level all) of the most celebrated and noble thoughts ever written down.

I've decided to name this transformation of a famous quote a Covertism, and not necessarily because I'm proud of it. On the contrary, while my discovery of Covertisms was kind of exciting at first, as time goes by and I subject more and more lofty aphorisms to this process, the whole thing is frankly starting to get a little spooky.

Oh, and by the way, I'm well aware that many if not all of my own marginal scribblings are themselves vulnerable to being rendered as Covertisms. But at this point, the effect of such a realization is hardly capable of arousing concern.

The following are merely a few examples of Covertisms.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat ... George Santayana

Between two evils, I always pick … Mae West

Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for ... John F. Kennedy

Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from ... Albert Einstein

The only thing we have to fear is ... Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is ...Voltaire

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's ... Bertrand Russell

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for ... Albert Einstein

Give me liberty, or give me ... Patrick Henry

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is ... Edmund Burke

No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of ... H. L. Mencken

You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for ... Albert Einstein

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed … Mother Teresa

Only the shallow ... Oscar Wilde

The only unnatural sexual act is ... Alfred Kinsey

Education is what remains after one has forgotten ... Albert Einstein

A woman without a man is like a fish without … Gloria Steinem

I believe in God, only I spell it ... Frank Lloyd Wright

I would have made a good ... Richard M. Nixon

God may be subtle, but he is not ... Albert Einstein

The difference between pornography and erotica is ... Gloria Leonard

It is better to be quotable than to be ... Tom Stoppard

Everything is funny, as long as it happens to … Will Rogers

If I had only known, I would have been ... Albert Einstein

I bet future generations will be amazed that people in our era killed and ate animals.

They’ll probably say: 'You mean, they didn’t even torture them first?!'

- To some animals

The inside joke about the cryptic message is becoming the cryptic message about the inside joke.

- [Context encrypted]

The moment you pick up the phone to call a grief counselor, you've already started healing.

On the other hand, if, knowing this, you think, 'Great! So everything's fine now!' and hang the phone back up, something tells me you’re never going to heal ever.

- Opening joke, International Grief Society Convention, Baghdad

Is that the cosmos in your pocket, or are you just really disappointed to see me?

- OsaMae bin West

Virginia Woolf: One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.

The Covert Comic: Oh well, all's well that ends well.

Women are always talking about how men would feel if they menstruated.

Let me share a little secret with you women: We men do menstruate. It’s just that we have the decency not to talk about it in public all the time.

- To a women

Damn. I was so close!

- After reading Robert G. Ingersoll's famous quote: 'The time to be happy is now; the place to be happy is here.'

I assume God isn't constantly depressed at the suffering of those souls cast into hell for all eternity for denying Him. On the other hand, I assume God doesn't just forget about these people either.

... Probably God is sort of mildly bummed out all the time.

- In Southern Californiastan

That you repeatedly endeavor to achieve the impossible doesn't necessarily mean you're a fool. It could mean you're stupid.

- At State Department

I'm a man trapped inside a man's body.

- In the CIA Headquarters gym

If life gives you Dalai Lamas, make Dalai Lamanade.

- Consoling a friend who'd been assigned to work the Tibet desk

OK, I confess, I killed JAK.

... What? It was JFK?

Oh, right. Sorry.

- Lee Harvey Oswald, near the CIA cafeteria very recently

An indisputable result of the theory of relativity is that Atlas is actually doing handstands.

- To CIA philosophy students The Covert Comic was tutoring at Iraq’s expense

Why did I get married? Well, I wasn't getting any sex, and I wasn't making a woman happy, so I figured: why not make it official?

- To an impressionable young womaness

Jeez, those human shields the Al Qaeda guys are using aren't working at all.

- During combat near Fallujah

The biggest sex organ of them all is the cosmos.

- In a bar far outside the cosmos

Who Thrilled The Covert Comic?

In early fall 2000, I ran a contest on my web site. The name of the promotion was: Whom Should The Covert Comic Make President in 2000?

In my contest I offered to intercede with 'appropriate persons and offices with whom I, a fully cleared US intelligence official, have near daily intercourse,' to ensure the winning reader's choice for President of the United States of America would actually be sworn into office.

I placed surprisingly few restrictions on readers' proposed candidates. Basically, as long as the requested President wasn't an inanimate object or abstract idea, I would accept the being in question (I did insist on one additional minor restriction, namely, that the proposed US President be one individual organism - for reasons I cannot disclose at this time I was forced to disallow 'group' Presidents).

By mid October 2000, I had received numerous entries, and was dutifully publishing regular updates on the frontrunners.

By the first week of November 2000, the leading vote getters were well established. However, as readers who recall this promotion of mine will attest, by election night the approximately seventeen million leading candidates had each received virtually an equal number of votes! At that point your humble intelligence officer had no choice but to declare the contest a statistical tie, and announce a second round of balloting.

Well, we all know what happened next. That's right, a late barrage of write-in votes for a hitherto unknown populist candidate forced me to declare that life-form President Elect of the republic in December 2000 (officially this being was declared President Elect by the 'US Supreme Court,' though at the express direction of your humble intelligence officer, naturally). Only months later, our great country would acquire new, far flung terroritories, filled with wildly enthusiastic new American subjects. You're welcome, America.

You know that famous quote, 'A writer is only quoted after he dies?'

Really? Well alright then, that just proves my point!

Who killed The Covert Comic?

If I told you, you'd have to quote me.

Alleged post-death apparition of The Covert Comic, near Fallujah, Iraq

Thomas Szasz: The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naïve forgive and forget; the wise forgive, but do not forget.

The Covert Comic: As for me, I forget, but do not forgive.

The question isn't, 'Who killed The Covert Comic,' the question is, 'Who's bringing The Covert Comic to life?'

- The Light, in a recent interview

OK, I created the universe. So now what?

- Responding to Carl Sagan's famous quote: 'To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.'

An irate FBI official: You'll never work in this town again!

A non-irate The Covert Comic: Hey, I'm a Federal employee. When did I ever work in this town?

In the words of Einstein on his death bed: 'Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...'

- When asked a complex question about quantum mechanics

I was doing a spell check on the name 'Heidegger' for a philosophy essay I was writing in grad school, and the spell check displayed the word headgear.

So I figured: 'That has to be right,' and I clicked 'Change All.'

Naturally, I got an A on the essay.

- To universes The Covert Comic was shaping into Iraqi philosophy students at the CIA’s expense

Please do not avenge my death. If I ever come back to life, I wouldn't want to be killed all over again by someone avenging the killing of my killers.

- While giving a briefing on remote viewing at SOCOM

Wait a minute. You mean I've been making films?!

- [Context most highly classified]

Hell, I was born someone else.

- Commenting on Woody Allen's famous statement that his one regret in life is that he's not someone else

All the wisdom of the ages can be expressed in a single sentence

... and this is that sentence.

- To the ages (or from the ages ... I forget which)

To know one self is to foresee one self.

To foresee one self is to see one self in hindsight.

To see one self in hindsight is to worry about the size of one's butt.

Therefore, to know one self is to worry about the size of one's butt.

- At Tysons Corner II shopping mosque, Northern Virginiastan

Samuel Johnson: A jest's prosperity lies in the ear of him that hears it, never in the tongue of him that makes it.

The Covert Comic: Now that's funny!

When I was a boy, I thought it was literally impossible for my father to be wrong about anything. Now that I’m a grown man, of course, I know my father can make mistakes.

... So if my father ever does make a mistake, I’ll be the first to point it out to him.

- To his father

So we are left with the following:

The gun was not matched to the bullets.

The accused was never close enough to have shot the victim.

Key witnesses have retracted their testimony.

And then there's the problem of existence.

Who killed The Covert Comic?

Who didn't kill The Covert Comic?

Who killed The Covert Comic?

Whom didn't The Covert Comic kill?

- Unidentified CIA official

For every one of me you kill, nearly one of me shall rise up to take his place.

- To his killers

Jack Handey: I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The Covert Comic: I hope life is a big joke, because I get it.

Whatever kills me makes me funnier.

- The Covert Comic

If you've ever become immortal, you may or may not have some idea of how life-altering an experience it isn’t. Becoming immortal rarely results in noticeable changes in a person's behavior or relationships, and almost never fundamentally transforms the way people view themselves and their place in the world. While each individual responds to becoming immortal in his or her own unique way, everybody who becomes immortal seems to agree on one thing: becoming immortal is really no big deal.

Speaking of immortality, the following is an excerpt from an article that recently appeared - almost like a miracle - on a major Internet news site.

Covert Comic Memorial Spontaneously 'Opens' In Washington DC

Partial view of The Covert Comic Memorial

A memorial to slain CIA officer John Alejandro King, a.k.a. 'The Covert Comic', reportedly materialized near (and/or was reported as being one with) the Washington Monument this week. The memorial, which commemorates the controversial CIA officer’s mysterious killing, was suddenly intuited as extending over the entire area of the US capitol as well as all discernible points beyond, to the astonishment of cleared onlookers. According to one highly cleared witness, markings and other evidence on the memorial suggest that it may have existed throughout eternity.

Visitors to the memorial are said to be able to visualize it only intermittently, despite - or perhaps because of - its reportedly being infinitely massive and moving directly toward the viewer, regardless of that person’s spatial or temporal position, at the speed of light.

Authorities who have accepted that The Covert Comic Memorial actually exists are said to be uncertain as to how to charge visitors for the experience of 'seeing' it.

[The above article goes on (and on). The point is, I think I know a way visitors to The Covert Comic Memorial can pay for the privilege of beholding this most wondrous construct. Basically, what they should do is click here, and buy something. Your humble spook promises to donate all proceeds to a fund that provides scholarships for the children of US military personnel who, much like your humble spook, have made the ultimate sacrifice.]

Thank you, and God bless!

The Covert Comic.

Don't Not Quote Me.