The Naked Intelligence Officer
Secrets of 9/11 (Recently unclassified!)
Spaiku! (CIA haiku poetry from the Covert Comic! "Spooky" - USA Today)
Black Matters (The world's most classified poetry)
Intelligence Underground (Spookiest of the spooks)
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Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the Humint family is the foundation of justice and peace in the Intelligence Community,
Whereas disregard and contempt for Humint rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of Humintkind,
Whereas the advent of a world in which Humint beings shall enjoy freedom of operation has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of cleared peoples everywhere,
Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between intelligence agencies, and in recognition of the fact, known and acknowledged by all cleared peoples, that Humint rights are indispensable to the attainment of this objective,
Now, therefore THE PROGRESSIVE CLEARED PEOPLES AND INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES OF THE WORLD do hereby proclaim THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMINT RIGHTS as a common standard for all intelligence organizations, along with their agents and assets, to the end that every individual and office of said agencies, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive through official policy statements, training and (as needed) covert action to promote respect for these Humint rights and freedoms.
Every Humint officer shall possess the right to conduct Humint operations free from restriction, stigma, and obstruction or interference by intelligence, counterintelligence, law enforcement and/or internal security services.
There shall be no surveillance of Humint officers, nor of their assets or developmentals, by counterintelligence and/or security services without prior notification and consent.
i. There shall be no bugging of Humint officer venues (hotel rooms, business offices, safe houses, etc.), nor of rental cars or other means of transportation, nor of Humint officers’ equipment, clothing or persons (to include the brain, mind or spirit) without prior notification and consent.
There shall be no torture or other mistreatment of Humint officers. Torture shall be defined as any activity, undertaken or threatened without the consent of the Humint officer in question, which causes said officer to experience:
i. Physical pain or discomfort.
ii. Mental or emotional pain or discomfort (such as discomfort resulting from the playing of loud, bad, or boring music, or the serving of loud, bad or boring food).
iii. A reduced sense of self-esteem.
iv. Lateness for an appointment (whether official or personal).
v. Hunger, thirst, or general sense of dissatisfaction.
There shall be no actual or threatened arrest, torture, imprisonment or execution of persons known or suspected to be agents, assets or developmentals of Humint officers, without the latter’s prior notification and consent.
The employment of ‘honey traps’ (i.e., the sexual solicitation of Humint officers for purpose of compromise or forced recruitment) shall not occur except with the explicit knowledge and prior consent of the targeted Humint officer.
Humint officers shall not be required to attend more than one (1) Human Resources (HR) course per twenty (20) year period.
i. Such courses shall last no longer than two (2) hours, include at least two (2) 15-minute breaks, and shall not include ‘group discussions’ nor any post-course exam or survey, either oral or written.
ii. Humint officers shall not be required to participate in more than one (1) ‘team-building’ exercise per lifetime.
No Humint officer shall ever be required to attend a briefing immediately following lunch.
i. Pastry, coffee and other food and beverages provided for briefings shall be of reasonable and humane quality and quantity.
ii. When a briefer asks, either at the conclusion of a briefing or prior to a lunch or other break, if members of the audience have questions, and if one or more audience members do have a question, then all Humint officers in attendance who do not have questions shall be permitted to exit immediately. Humint officers who exit a briefing per the above shall not require permission from the briefer, nor any other person, in order to do so.
Expense reimbursement requests submitted by Humint officers shall be processed and paid in a timely manner, not to exceed 24 Earth hours.
i. The average work required for a Humint officer to prepare and submit such a request shall not be more than five (5) minutes time.
ii. Any questions or objections on the part of administrative personnel pertaining to an expense reimbursement request submitted by a Humint officer shall not impede or delay said reimbursement, but shall be resolved post-payment, at the Humint officer's convenience.
It being universally recognized by all legitimate science that polygraph tests, by their very definition and construct, do not detect deception on the part of persons taking them, but rather only measure a finite set of bodily processes occurring within said persons at the time said tests are administered, no Humint officer anywhere shall ever be subjected to a polygraph test under any circumstance.
i. Polygraphers shall not be considered Humint officers, and shall not possess any of the rights and freedoms described in this Declaration.
Humint officers shall fully own, possess and freely exercise all book publishing, film, Internet, merchandising and other rights and royalties associated with the written, verbal or other description, representation or accounts of their Humint activities.
i. Humint officers shall be permitted to freely participate in and post social media (for example www.covertcomic.com) without penalty, provided their faces and/or other identifying features are suitably obscured or disguised.
The rights set forth in this Declaration may be extended to include additional Humint rights as appropriate, in accordance with the normal progressive evolution of Humint, the intelligence profession generally, and society as a whole.