... Don't ask.

(Note: cleared readers only, please.)

Monday

Secret 0.811.  The real redaction is declassification.

Received the following communiqué early this morning:

"Procedural warning to the CIA operative in charge of The Covert Comic: There may or may not be a terrible plan to run a rogue super-tanker into the walls of The Thames Barrier before, during, or after the London Olympic Games.  What is needed at the present time, before now, or during this potential action by known or unknown persons involved in such terrible behaviour (to prevent it from happening on the CIA's security watch) is an enormous rubber bung, provided especially to be made available at all times during the whole period of the London Olympic Games.

(Signed) Agent X1-1b. London."

Covert Comment: A trained CIA officer will immediately recognize the above transmission to be a forgery, based on numerous errors (e.g. misspelling of the word "behavior") plus the fact that multiple bungs, not to mention bungholes, would be needed to secure the Thames Barrier.

Research shows that sex results in health benefits, provided you sleep with someone who has the right coverage plan.

Feeling inspired today.  Briefly had a circumstance within my control.

Motivational Secret of the Week

Sometimes you have to extend a membrane process for what you believe in, even if it means extending that membrane process alone. – Motivational Quotes for Amoeboids

Voltaire said "To hold a pen is to be at war."  As an Internet professional, I'd like to add that clicking a mouse isn't exactly a picnic either.

In an opposite universe, you can make this stuff up. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 5591817.

Executive Intelligence Summary

After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is sniffling.

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Monday

The Covert Comic doesn't stand up to intellectual scrutiny, so much as sneak around behind intellectual scrutiny and slap it on the back of the head.

Spookism of the Day.  Sceak v.  \’skēk\  (CIA operations: scurry + squeak).  To work in an intelligence headquarters building.

Tuesday

All sex is farewell sex.

To believe that we in America can defeat evil in the world by “pushing the button” is to be profoundly ignorant of modern realities.

Informed Americans know it’s a matter of clicking through a sequence of encrypted hyperlinks.

Wednesday

Motivational Secret of the Week

Secret 3081525.  What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies on top of us.

Thursday

I credit my mother for helping me to recognize my personal demons.  She sewed my name tag on each one.

Is the saying “There but for fortune go you and I,” or “There but for fortune go you or I?”

Because, assuming “there” to be a location  that’s undesirable, it can be shown mathematically that the first scenario is always preferable to the second.

Friday

Executive Intelligence Summary

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Universal Declaration

of

Humint Rights

Whereas recognition of the inherent dignity and the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the Humint family is the foundation of justice and peace in the Intelligence Community,

Whereas disregard and contempt for Humint rights have resulted in barbarous acts which have outraged the conscience of Humintkind,

Whereas the advent of a world in which Humint beings shall enjoy freedom of operation has been proclaimed as the highest aspiration of cleared peoples everywhere,

Whereas it is essential to promote the development of friendly relations between intelligence agencies, and in recognition of the fact, known and acknowledged by all cleared peoples, that Humint rights are indispensable to the attainment of this objective,

Now, therefore THE PROGRESSIVE CLEARED PEOPLES AND INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES OF THE WORLD do hereby proclaim THIS UNIVERSAL DECLARATION OF HUMINT RIGHTS as a common standard for all intelligence organizations, along with their agents and assets, to the end that every individual and office of said agencies, keeping this Declaration constantly in mind, shall strive through official policy statements, training and (as needed) covert action to promote respect for these Humint rights and freedoms.

Article I.

Every Humint officer shall possess the right to conduct Humint operations free from restriction, stigma, and obstruction or interference by intelligence, counterintelligence, law enforcement and/or internal security services.

Article II.

There shall be no surveillance of Humint officers, or of their assets or developmentals, by counterintelligence and/or security services without prior notification and consent.

i.          i. There shall be no bugging of Humint officer venues (hotel rooms, business offices, safe houses, etc.), nor of rental cars or other means of transportation, nor of Humint officers’ equipment, clothing or persons (to include the brain, mind or spirit) without prior notification and consent.

Article III.

There shall be no torture or other mistreatment of Humint officers.  Torture shall be defined as any activity, undertaken or threatened, without the consent of the Humint officer in question, which causes said officer to experience:

i.          i. Physical pain or discomfort.

ii.         ii. Mental or emotional pain or discomfort (such as discomfort resulting from the playing of loud, bad, or boring music, or the serving of loud, bad or boring food).

iii.        iii. A reduced sense of self-esteem.

iv.        iv. Lateness for an appointment (whether official or personal).

v.         v. Hunger, thirst, or general sense of dissatisfaction.

Article IV.

There shall be no actual or threatened arrest, torture, imprisonment or execution of persons known or suspected to be agents, assets or developmentals of Humint officers, without the latter’s prior notification and consent.

Article V.

The employment of ‘honey traps’ (i.e., the sexual solicitation of Humint officers for purpose of compromise or forced recruitment) shall not occur except with the explicit knowledge and prior consent of the targeted Humint officer.

Article VI.

Humint officers shall not be required to attend more than one (1) Human Resources (HR) course per twenty (20) year period.

i.          i. Such courses shall last no longer than two (2) hours, include at least two (2) 15-minute breaks, and shall not include ‘group discussions’ nor any post-course exam or survey, either oral or written.

ii.         ii. Humint officers shall not be required to participate in more than one (1) ‘team-building’ exercise per lifetime. 

Article VII.

No Humint officer shall ever be required to attend a briefing immediately following lunch.

i.          i. Pastry, coffee and other food and beverages provided for briefings shall be of reasonable and humane quality and quantity.

ii.         ii. When a briefer asks, either at the conclusion of a briefing or prior to a lunch or other break, if members of the audience have questions, and if one or more audience members do have a question, then all Humint officers in attendance who do not have questions shall be permitted to exit immediately.  Humint officers who exit a briefing per the above shall not require permission from the briefer, nor any other person, in order to do so.

Article VIII.

Expense reimbursement requests submitted by Humint officers shall be processed and paid in a timely manner, not to exceed 24 Earth hours.

i.          i. The average work required by Humint officers to prepare and submit said requests shall not require more than five (5) minutes time.

ii.         ii. Any questions or objections on the part of administrative personnel pertaining to an expense reimbursement request submitted by a Humint officer shall not impede or delay said reimbursement, but shall be resolved post-payment, at the Humint officer's convenience.

Article IX.

[Classified.]

Article X.

It being universally recognized by all legitimate science that polygraph tests, by their very definition and construct, do not detect deception on the part of persons taking them, but rather only measure a finite set of bodily processes occurring within said persons at the time said tests are administered, no Humint officer anywhere shall ever be subjected to a polygraph test under any circumstance.

i.          i. Polygraphers shall not be considered Humint officers, and shall not possess any of the rights or freedoms described in this Declaration.

Article XI.

Humint officers shall fully own, possess and freely exercise all book publishing, film, Internet, merchandising and other rights and royalties associated with the written, verbal or other accounts of their Humint activities.

i.          i. Humint officers shall be permitted to freely participate in and post social media (for example www.covertcomic.com) without penalty, provided their faces and/or other identifying features are suitably obscured or disguised.

Article XII.

The rights set forth in this Declaration may be extended to include additional Humint rights as appropriate, in accordance with the normal progressive evolution of Humint, the intelligence profession generally, and society as a whole.

The Covert Comic, an ordinary Humint being, officially isn't on Twitter.     

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Blow Your Cover!

Nothing says "I can neither confirm nor deny that I regularly read the Covert Comic" like a genuine Covert Comic bumper sticker.

Create your own covert action!  [Officially don’t] purchase and affix these stickers to the bumpers of CIA or FBI counterintelligence officers’ cars, street signs in heavily traveled areas of Georgetown, cubicles at the Defense Intelligence Agency, the back of Air Force One, etc.

Stickers are standard 3x10 inch, full color, and are shipped promptly and secretively via First-Class Mail (no shipping fee!).  Price: $10.  Allow 2-3 weeks for delivery.

(Note: An ultra-classified portion of proceeds from the sale of Covert Comic bumper stickers goes to Fisher House, a tax deductible charity providing lodging and other support to families of wounded US Military personnel.  ... And you're right lady, I am arrogant and self-serving.)