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The Covert Comic

Weekly Intelligence Briefing

 

(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

The following information is disseminated on a mead-to-know basis.

  If I wanted you alive, you'd be alive already. – context classified

  Letter to my future self: Could you please write a letter to my younger self and ask it to stop writing letters to my present self?

  When that reporter had a stroke on live television, I thought it was really scary and sad.  Because that was the first time I had ever understood what a TV reporter was saying. Universal Intelligence Estimate

  As if hanging up would make them drive any better.

Executive Intelligence Summary

How to Avoid Missing the Point

1. Using your non-trigger hand to guide your shotgun barrel, aim at a position just behind the point.

2. Sweep the barrel through the point's path as the point moves across your field of vision.

3. As soon as your barrel passes in front of the point, squeeze the trigger.

                                      

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Spot, assess, develop, recruit and handle this.

  The Department of Homeland Security is hiring Active Threat Planners.  In addition to possessing a full set of security clearances, applicants must have planned at least five active threats in the last three years.

  Motivational Secret of the Week.  In every obstacle, there's 'tacos.'  This fact helps remind us that, even in the midst of life's struggles, it's important to take time to eat wholesome, good-tasting food.

  Women wear pant suits.  Men wear dress pants.  Let's keep it that way.

  I watch TV, but only to make sure no one turns it on.

Executive Intelligence Summary

Note to My Neighbor About My Sexuality

Dear neighbor:

Last weekend when you came over to my garage to borrow some tools, I noticed you took my sexuality.  I'm sure you figured it was your sexuality, and that you must have loaned it to me previously and were just taking it back to your house again.  In any case, no harm done – please feel free to use my sexuality all this week if you want.  But if you wouldn't mind returning my sexuality when you're finished with it, hopefully by this weekend (my wife and I need it Saturday night), that would be great. 

Thanks neighbor!

Universal Intelligence Estimate

 

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Every exit strategy is an entrance strategy to somewhere else.

  I met an attractive diplomatic officer at an embassy party in the Middle East.  She said she was Phrygian.  I told her I could help her with that.

●  The New York Times says torture is illegal and immoral.

Alexander Woollcott said that anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

... So if we can just figure out a way to make it fattening, torture will be a good thing. – The Naked Intelligence Officer

  For any motivational quote containing the word 'flaws,' substitute 'floss,' and the resulting insight will be even more empowering.

  He who hesitates at the lost and found is probably trying to be funny.

Executive Intelligence Summary

No one can make time stand still.  But any number make time do the moonwalk.

      

The Covert Comic officially isn't on Twitter.

 

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The Covert Comic.

Read him while you still can!