The Covert Comic

Weekly Intelligence Briefing

(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

The following information is disseminated on a need-to-go basis.

●  There are more classifications than there are secrets.  (U//ORCON//NOFORN//NOCONTRACTOR)

●  A day on Jupiter lasts 9.92 hours.  But with a surface area 122 times greater than that of Earth, Jupiter's daily weather forecast would take at least 10 hours to watch on TV.  Given these extreme conditions, scientists agree it’s unlikely humans will ever be able to live on our largest planetary neighbor.

●  A little collectivism never hurt everybody.

●  No doubt the underwear bomb is a metaphor for something; but what?  My vote: underwear.

Executive Intelligence Summary

A safe house is not a safe home.

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Napper agent of love.

Sleeper Agents:

A Typology

The term sleeper agent refers to an intelligence asset, covertly inserted into a target area, who maintains a “dormant” (i.e. non-operational) status until “awakened” (activated for operations at a future date).  The following are some of the more common types of sleeper agents encountered by your humble spook.

1. Sleep apnea agent.  An agent who snores so loudly he wakes up the entire neighborhood.  By the time this asset is activated, the only remaining question is who in the target area didn't know he was an operative.

2. Insomniac agent.  This type of sleeper agent wants to sleep, but can’t.  Picture a toddler getting up every five minutes during the night to ask for yet another glass of water or to be told yet another bedtime story.  Sometimes, threatening to have the monster under his bed eat him if he doesn’t go to sleep proves effective; other times it only makes matters worse (at which point it may become necessary to order the monster under his bed to actually eat the agent).

3. Narcoleptic agent.  This asset exhibits an amazing knack for suddenly losing consciousness any time his handler attempts to contact him to request even the simplest tasking.

4. Comatose agent.  Self-explanatory.  Although comatose agents may at times appear semi-conscious, they are generally non-responsive to stimuli and effectively incapable of communication or purposeful movement of any kind.  A surprisingly large percentage of sleeper agents are clinically comatose.  

5. Sleepover agent.  Ready to hop into bed on short notice, experienced in operating under many different covers, can quickly be rolled off and reassigned elsewhere – the preferred sleeper agent of handlers around the world.  

Disclaimer: It should be noted that the CIA does not employ sleeper agents.  Anybody who thinks we do is dreaming. 

Think that's a bib this covert agent is wearing?  Think again ...

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Secret 0858.90.  If your walk-in is balkin' at talkin', get stalkin'.

●  SpookSpeak.  Zombieline (n).  A deadline that moves under its own power in search of live brains to consume.  Also known as an undeadline.

●  In Spanish, an exclamation mark is used at the beginning as well as the end of a sentence.  If you’re going to be getting excited, Spaniards want as much advance warning as possible. 

●  Secret Scarehead of the Week: New Normal More Normal Than Ever

●  Instead of adding insult to injury, why not add insight and inspiration (maybe with the help of an infomercial)?

Executive Intelligence Summary

You can handle this agent any time.

The Covert Comic officially isn't on Twitter