The Covert Comic

Weekly Intelligence Briefing

(Note: Cleared readers only, please.)

Alert Memorandum?  I would certainly hope so.

●  Secret 22101.2.  The eye of the beholder is controlled from a dashboard in McLean.

●  My daughter says she wants to smash the patriarchy.  I told her "When you're 21, buy me a bottle of Tanqueray – you'll have the patriarchy smashed in an hour."

●  Diseases have names.  Cures are anonymous.

●  How about a compromise: everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees. – Real Men Don't Get Published

Executive Intelligence Summary

I can't handle the truth?  That's not what the truth said last night.

*

Any Intelligence Community term, followed by the word 'awareness,' automatically constitutes an oxymoron.

●  SpookSpeak.  ASAI adv.  Abbreviation for 'as soon as impossible.'  ('It's essential that we move to implement these promised reforms ASAI.')

●  When joined together, the five fingers form a fist with which to strike a blow against one's enemy.  But when separated, the five fingers form several bloody, scary body parts which can be thrown at one's enemy (with one's other hand).

●  We don't see things as they are, we see them as our optometrist is.

●  The key to effective anger management is learning to avoid doing things that piss me off in the first place. – The Naked Intelligence Officer

Executive Intelligence Summary

There's no business like show business, but there's lots 'o businesses like matzo businesses.

*

Fuggiveanfuggedaboutit.

●  And so, to you, our nation's newest CIA officers, as you go forth to help lead America's intelligence effort, I offer this advice: if you bring me back as a consultant after I retire, someday others will do the same for you. – Remarks to graduating Career Trainees

●  If there was a play about a theatre company performing Shakespeare, that would be deep, because you'd have a guy saying 'All the world's a stage' on a stage on a stage on a stage.

●  Flirting crosses the line and becomes inappropriate when it creates the impression that you're interested in the cadaver sexually.

●  If you piss high enough, you'll make a rainbow. – My War on Terror!

Executive Intelligence Summary

All I'm saying is that some of us happen to be a little better at fighting against elitism than others.