|
Intelligence Update (The latest intel from The Covert Comic) Secrets of 9/11 (Recently unclassified!) Form 22C: Questioning Authority PETA: People for the Ethical Treatment of Americans Covert Press Releases (Send them and win!) Spaiku! (CIA haiku poetry from The Covert Comic! "Spooky" - USA Today) Disclosures (What is Secret Zero?) The Intelligence Underground: The Spookiest of the Spooks Intelligence Agents (Links to Covert Comic-approved sites) Copyright 1998-2010. All rights reserved. |
The
Naked Intelligence Officer John
Alejandro King a.k.a.
The Covert Comic
* Naked intelligence officer
('nā-kəd in-'te-lə-jən(t)s 'ä-fə-sər) 1 : an
intelligence officer in a state of undress <'Hey, look at that
naked intelligence officer'> 2 : an intelligence officer whose cover has been
compromised 3 : an intelligence officer, in reality fully
clothed, disguised as a naked person for operational purposes 4 :
[Secret]
The following is a collection of
declassified quotes, decrypted quips, and bare-faced truths by, well,
officially I'm not authorized to reveal the name of the author; however,
if you've ever seen that person without clothes on (his clothes or yours
– it really makes no difference), you'll immediately recognize the
creative source behind The Naked
Intelligence Officer.
Note: for
maximum intelligence value, please read this book naked (you or the book
– it really makes no difference). Near
* Secret 7191.51.01.
Reality is a covert action.
* They say truth is stranger than
fiction.
If that’s true, it’s stranger than it would
be if it wasn’t.
* Francis
Bacon: Nakedness is uncomely, as
well in mind as body, and it addeth no small reverence to men's manners
and actions if they be not altogether open. Therefore set it down: That
a habit of secrecy is both politic and moral. The
Covert Comic: As attractive as
Bacon’s thesis is, it would have been even sexier if he had left
something to the imagination.
* This morning I was downtown, and I happened to
glance over at an office building just as it was deliberately imploded. For a second I thought:
… Whoa, did I do that?
* As an Agency employee, whenever I hear that the CIA
is programming people’s minds, I have to laugh. I don’t
want to laugh when I hear
this, but I have to. *
A truth
and a lie are opposites. But a naked truth and a naked lie,
at a fundamental level, are
one and
the same thing.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer * Remember in the film
Marathon Man, when
the old Nazi war criminal went to * You say 'naked intelligence briefing' like there's
some other kind. -
The Naked Intelligence Officer * Secret 22.36. The term ‘holy war’ isn’t an oxymoron, it’s a
redundancy. * There's a famous saying: 'If 99 percent was good
enough, gravity wouldn't work for 14 minutes every day.' I did the calculation, and it's actually 14 minutes
and 24 seconds. … Which can only mean that, for the person who wrote
that saying, 97.2 percent was good enough. * A government that's big enough to give you
everything you want is a government that's big enough to give you even
more. * Better over the top than under the bottom. -
The Naked Intelligence Officer
* Secret 124197.1. They can’t pull the rug out from under you if you're already lying on the floor.
Naked people
stand out in a crowd.
*
Naked
Intelligence Report
On the topic of nakedness, you
may have read about those perverted individuals who take pleasure in
exposing themselves to unsuspecting citizens in public.
Such individuals are commonly referred to as
'flashers.' I hereby state for the record
that The Covert Comic is not
a flasher. True, flashers are known to
creep around surreptitiously while dressed in overcoats (like many
intelligence officers).
And true, a typical flasher is prone to
suddenly remove his 'cover,' then just as suddenly replace it, often in
close vicinity to members of the female gender (like many,
many intelligence officers).
And yes, it's also true that flashers
sometimes work for intelligence agencies (like many intelligence
officers). However, these and possibly
other totally coincidental similarities notwithstanding, there are
important differences between intelligence officers (or at least between
your humble spook, The Covert Comic) and flashers.
While these differences are (and must
obviously remain) classified for the time being, I confidently predict
that they will be fully revealed soon, quite possibly in a time and
place you least expect.
* Clothes make the man ... naked.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
One aspect of Latin culture I find objectionable is
the mañana
attitude they have toward everything.
… I mean, why
the big hurry?
* As a CIA tech ops officer assigned to FBI Liaison, I
imagine J. Edgar Hoover must be spinning in his grave right about now. … OK, I
know he’s spinning in
his grave.
*
The key to
effective anger management is learning to avoid doing things that piss
me off in the first place. * They say you can kill a man, but you can't kill an
idea. I say:
any man I want to? * Only a naked spy can truly come in from the cold. - The Naked Intelligence
Officer
* Albert Einstein said: "Great spirits have always
encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." Well here's one mediocre mind who thinks we ought to
give Einstein's ideas a fair hearing.
* The French having a word for something: don't the
French have a word for that?
* Secret
4418009.1.
There's a fine line between a prophet and a
really bad motivational speaker.
* I said he was a highly reliable
source with excellent access.
I never said what it was he had access to or
was reliable for. - The Naked Intelligence
Officer
* It's not a ‘euphemism’, it's a positively connoting
re-characterization.
*
Secret 17913881.
The ultimate burqa is nakedness.
* If the shoe fits, aren't you
already wearing it? - The well shod intelligence
officer
* Secret 66.73. Any time the Government denies knowledge, it's speaking the truth.
Typical CIA
briefing
* The emperor is wearing see-through clothing.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
Inside an
oasis, there are many little deserts.
* Secret 926191.4. What
you are eats you.
* There are people who regularly blow their cover
despite not having any.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
Secret 912.1.921. What goes around
comes around only if you fail to maintain sufficient orbital velocity.
* The thinner the veil, the more concealed the dancer.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
The lava lamp
of the 1960’s was the 1960’s.
* Naked Intelligence Report: The Great
Altamont
Your humble intelligence officer Young, but earning my clearances Observe Fat man in hot sun dancing Naked to the music Getting beat up by Hells Angels (And throwing punches back, incidentally) In other words: Dancing Naked to the music
Throughout the day, occasional oranges fly back and
forth Between humanity-packed hills Then, in late afternoon During yet another interminable delay between strip
acts The exchanges increase in frequency … Major event in cosmic timeline: Extremely tall hippy rises to his feet To catch huge yellow grapefruit As it soars majestically, somehow directly toward
his position As 300,000 look on It strikes his outstretched hands And explodes Deafening, earth-shaking roar – followed by
fruit-filled sky Largest food fight in human history Duration: a good twenty seconds Winner uncertain Crowd runs out of fruit to throw ... Or does it? Roar subsides As 300,000 souls pause to reflect on this question Naked to the music
Additional events will occur that evening Though of little intelligence value Other than: late fat man sighting Standing in darkness near stage watching While Hells Angels and brightly clothed gunman dance Naked to the music
* When one views a striptease, who is it that’s being
exposed?
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
Sometimes love
isn’t enough. The rest of the time, it’s overkill.
* Otto Von Bismarck:
I have seen three emperors in their nakedness,
and the sight was not inspiring. The Naked Intelligence Officer:
I have seen at least four female CIA
officers in their nakedness, and the sight was extremely inspiring.
*
Secret 991.976. A paper tiger can still
give a nasty paper cut.
* If you're part of the solution, I'd rather be part
of the problem.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
* When I was a boy, my father
worked two jobs so I could have a better life than he had.
And as long as he keeps working those two
jobs so I don’t have to do anything strenuous, I’ll continue to have a
better life than my father. * A liaison officer from CSIS
asked me what I thought about Canadian intelligence.
I told him I thought it was technically
possible.
* We hold these truths to be officially
non-self-evident: that all men are crated equal. - While officially not
participating in one of the blackest CIA ops ever
* 'Iditarod' is how a person pronounces the word
'idiot' when their lips are frozen. * An overdressed DI analyst:
Though in silence with blighted affection
I pine, the lips that touch liquor must never touch mine! The Naked Intelligence Officer:
... What if I drink through a straw?
* Meat is not murder. Meet is murder. - To a friend at a naked CIA
singles function
*
The phrase
'better than sex' begs the question of what kind of sex you're talking
about.
*
Don’t get eaten by that, you’ll ruin its appetite! - During a donut break at a
briefing at CIA Counterintelligence (no oxymoron in the latter term, I’m
genuinely sorry to report)
*
When William of Ockham stated his famous
principle 'Ockham's Razor' in Summa
Logicae, he waited until chapter twelve to
say it.
* I imagine when generations to come study how people
in our era thought about the future, they'll shake their collective head
in amazement. ... Just that one gigantic, collective head.
* There is no Comedian but Allah, and we are all His
straight man.
* In the strip search of life, better to be the
finger, or even the anus, than the rubber glove. - The Naked Intelligence
Officer
*
Remember, you can’t get post-traumatic stress
disorder as long as you're still being traumatized.
Even more
typical CIA briefing
*
Naked
Intelligence Report
Every striptease consists of removing one’s skin, to
reveal one’s true clothing. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
One Halloween night a millennium ago, while
disguised as a young jihadist, running wild in the streets with my
fellow junior covert ops officers, I snatched a three-year-old girl's
Halloween candy bag and kept on going. Not only that, I took her candy out of the bag and
ate it. Oh, don’t worry, I choked on
that candy alright.
In fact, I still choke on it, at least once
every week or so.
When I finally cast aside my earthly costume and
stand in the light, every detail of my life utterly disclosed, I hope
the spirit of that little girl (now all grown up, of course) is there to
meet me.
And after I sincerely apologize to her, I
pray she tells me that getting her candy snatched that Halloween night
taught her an important life lesson, made her a stronger person, and
ultimately helped her become more loving and forgiving.
And if I’m really
lucky, her spirit will neither confirm nor deny that getting her candy
snatched that Halloween night when she was three years old set in motion
a series of events that culminated in her becoming a CIA officer, and
that she spent the last three decades of her professional existence
working just a few cubicles away from your humble spook.
… Oh, and also that, during the course of her
career at
I can both
confirm and deny that I’d willingly strip naked in public for it,
people.
* To be overdressed, is this not to be naked? And to be naked, is this not manifestly to be
overdressed? - At CIA Headquarters on
'Casual Day'
* He who claims to have nothing to lose has the most
precious thing of all to lose: that claim.
*
Do as I CIA, not as I DO. - The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
Compared to the rest of
* The most beautiful things in this world cannot be
seen or touched. ... At least not without paying for dinner and a
movie first.
* Secret 159951.
Moderation is defined by end points.
* It's amazing how many people are intimidated by the
simple act of sincerely professing the truth. ... I mean, you’d think there would be at least one
or two.
* Ann Landers wrote that the naked truth is always
better than the best dressed lie. And according to a well-placed source with excellent
access, when she wrote this she was wearing a sheer bareback teddy.
* The friend of my friend is my enemy.
* They say ... Hey, I’m a husband. - To a semi-clothed case
officeress
* Explosive-sniffing dog? … Oh.
I thought you said 'Explosive sniffing dog.' - Following an international
incident involving a Peruvian Hairless
* The New York Times says torture is illegal and
immoral. Alexander Woollcott said that anything good in life
is either illegal, immoral or fattening. ... So if we can just figure out a way to make it
fattening, torture will be a good thing.
* If you ever find yourself
battling your evil twin, be sure not to bite, pull hair, or deliver a
groin shot.
Because if you do any of these things,
you’re the evil twin.
* It's not a
real surprise party unless
you don't know who you're giving it for.
* Secret
13402. All breasts are fake.
*
Then again, if I
didn't tell you, I'd still probably have to
kill you.
- If I told you, I’d have to
clothe you
* You can blow my cover any time. - Semi-clothed CIA case
officeress, to The Naked Intelligence Officer
* Secret
95.46.
A statesman can’t afford to be a moralist –
the entertainment expenses alone would bankrupt him inside of a year.
*
Minds are
like parachutes. And nine out of ten people have never been to
jump school.
* What strange power there is in clothing.
- Isaac Bashevis Singer What strange clothing there is in power.
The Naked Intelligence Officer
* Intelligence Report: Operation Galactic Freedom
It is recorded in the Galactic Intelligence Annals That thanks to relativity, and the limiting factor
of the speed of light About the time the Rebel Alliance briefly disrupted
Imperial rule News of the Empire’s previous
victory over the Was just reaching a majority of the Galaxy’s
inhabitants
Upon which, certain disaffected elements Illegally deserting their home planets in order to
engage in terrorism Were met by regrouping units of Imperial soldiers
and intelligence agents Who, astutely taking stock of the situation,
declared themselves to be rebels And proceeded to lead that lawless collective In routing the Jedi infidels
Once the Imperial Fleet had fully restored law and
order And thanks to relativity, and the limiting factor of
the speed of light The original communiqué from the Rebel Alliance
announcing the Empire’s ‘defeat’ Was just reaching a majority of planets in the
Galaxy
Thus, even as our Emperor once again gazed across
His vast realm Rebel sympathizers were rejoicing across a million
star systems And to this very day, solemnly observe The ‘Great Galactic Liberation’
It is believed that this cycle of events has been
repeated On countless worlds throughout Galactic prehistory Moreover, it is the confident assessment of Our
Lord’s Imperial Intelligence Agency That in the extremely unlikely event our Empire
experiences political unrest in the future This basic property of space-time may again be
exploited With similarly favorable results
* Secret 28918291.
Whatever reality does to me, it's really doing to itself.
* The naked truth has stretch marks.
*
Secret 11241.99.1. If they can’t have the
briefing in your absence, the real topic of the briefing is you.
* In the Bollywood musical that is the world of
official diplomatic cover, a UN posting is the wet sari scene.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
* If global warming was outlawed, only outlaws would
warm their globes.
* "What makes you think the whole world revolves
around you?!" my mother asked me, as I slowly rotated my gaze to
maintain eye contact.
* To ride a tiger is easy if you're a flea.
* If I'm reincarnated as a male ladybug, I think I'll
just go ahead and fly straight into a spider's web the very first day.
* In order to get rid of your big toe, how many toes
would you have to cut off? * Einstein said that you can’t
simultaneously prevent and prepare for war. But you can
only simultaneously prevent
and prepare for being naked.
* The road to hell is paved - what more do you need to know?
* Freedom isn't free. But thank God liberty is
still libertine.
* If my writing makes one person afraid to leave their
cubicle, I've done my job.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
* Secret 658.165. The
tighter the asshole, the louder the fart.
* Naked Intelligence Report
When I was about 13, I went with my family to the
park one Saturday afternoon in summer. I remember walking around by myself, sometimes
through the dark, cool green of the forest, other times out in the hot
sunny spaces – just looking at everything. At one point I came to a
clearing that opened on to a play area with tan bark, teeter-totters and
a big jungle-jim.
From where I was standing I could see a
bunch of kids – mostly six and seven years old – swinging single file
through the steel jungle-jim rings, laughing and yelling. As I looked on I noticed that
the last kid in the line was a little boy about three years of age.
He had followed the others and, in his
efforts to copy them, had somehow managed to climb up the steps of the
jungle-jim and swing himself out onto the first ring.
The problem was, the little guy’s arms were
too short for him to grab the next ring, and his legs were too stubby
for him to get back to the steps.
The only way off was to drop straight to the
ground; but from his perspective this was a death plunge.
The poor kid was terrified. Now the other children had all
successfully navigated the rings and run off to the next adventure,
completely oblivious to the little boy’s plight.
Helpless, he hung there perfectly straight,
whimpering softly. I walked out of the clearing, came up behind him,
put my arms around his chest and calmly whispered: "Let go." He let go. I gently set him on the ground,
where he immediately ran off after the other kids.
He never even looked back to see who had
helped him. For all that little boy knew,
the person who saved his life could have been a spy, or even completely
naked.
Or both. … You know, kind of like you people reading this
book right now.
* I am now so far ahead of my time, I'm lapping it.
* If we can’t peacefully resolve our differences, let
us at least violently resolve our similarities.
* People ask if it's possible to
find love after age 40.
The answer is yes – you just have to reach
your hand down a little lower.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
The buck hops here.
* Will The
Naked Intelligence Officer: I don't just
watch the facts and report jokes, I make governments.
* Secret
33115962111650.
It can change every ten minutes, and still
be eternal truth.
* The sign at the gates of hell
that reads Abandon hope, all who
enter: if you’re standing in line to enter hell, is it OK to hope
you see that sign?
* My uncle once offered me the
following advice: "Only
you
can live your life; don't let others live it for you." I said: "So in other words, don't let other people
do what you just said is impossible anyway." My uncle pretty much leaves me alone now.
* Don’t want to see me naked?
Then come closer.
- The Naked Intelligence Officer
*
Secret 1.929667.00.0. The encrypted Top
Secret Codeword file you seek … is you.
*
Naked
Intelligence Report
I can neither confirm nor
deny that I have written intelligence estimates for the President's
Daily Brief. I can both confirm and deny
that I was naked when I wrote this one.
The President's Daily Briefs By John Alejandro King a.k.a. The Covert Comic
One morning in the White House Situation Room I gave an intel briefing that lasted 'till noon And during the lunch break, I happened to peek In a drawer where they kept the President's Daily
Briefs
They lay in a stack, all pristine and white It was said he received new ones each morning and
night What a thrill to imagine our Commander In Chief Handling those very same President’s Daily Briefs
Who knew what secrets those articles contained They didn’t appear worn, showed no evidence of stain As I ran my fingers over each fold and crease I resolved that I must have the President’s Daily
Briefs
Perhaps the brush with greatness had robbed me of my
wits For I found the temptation too hard to resist So looking both ways, I gingerly reached And swiped me a pair of the President’s Daily Briefs
I carefully placed them in a folder between Two Senior Executive Intelligence magazines Then walked down the hallway to return to my seat All the while feeling the President’s Daily Briefs
But as I was rounding the corner a man With dark shades and earphone seized hold of my hand You should have heard the shouts of anger and
disbelief When I was caught red-handed with the President’s
Daily Briefs
I swore they were my own briefs, that there’d been a
mistake But the Presidential seal on them guaranteed my fate They took me to a back room and made me spread my
cheeks All for purloining the President’s Daily Briefs
The news soon reached
Investigations followed, polygraphs without reprieve For at first they thought they'd found the source of
White House leaks In the person who had ripped off the President’s
Daily Briefs
In the end I convinced them I wasn't a spy My clearances were saved, but in ruins my career
would lie For all around Headquarters I was known as the freak Who tried to leave the White House with the
President’s Daily Briefs
So now I sweep floors in the CIA basement But rather than wallowing in my debasement I dream of a transfer, to launder White House sheets And another chance at glimpsing the President’s
Daily Briefs
*
Secret 6291613. Laughter is a subconscious
attempt to stop breathing.
* As a CIA employee, I assume that when I die certain
classified sections of my life will not pass before my eyes.
* When I was a kid, the nun in Catechism told us sin
is forgiven. I thought she said ‘Sin is for givin’.’ For a while there in Catechism, I had a heck of a
lot of fun.
* We’re all naked in the Light.
But in how many of us is the Light naked?
* I used to say: ‘This too shall
pass.’
But after awhile I stopped saying it.
* Whenever one orifice closes, another opens. - The Naked Intelligence
Officer
* The day my graduation from the
University of [Classified]
became official, I arose early and proceeded to the admin office, where
I picked up my diploma.
I then returned to my apartment, loaded my
meager belongings into my barely operable van, filled it with gas, and
was out of state within two hours.
I had things to do. The students who stayed behind
for two weeks so they could attend the graduation ceremony with their
parents?
They started their careers two weeks behind
me. … Twenty years later, you might think those two
weeks are now meaningless. The truth is, those two weeks get bigger and bigger
with every passing month.
* Secret 6781.7.8.
Reality is a striptease.
* For there is nothing secret that shall not be seen
in the light. - Luke 8:17 (The Nakedest
Intelligence Officer)
Owing to a (presumed) typographical error, during
the entire span of your humble spook’s career as a CIA operative working
under a certain rather sensitive form of cover, my surname has been
misspelled on my badge. The upshot: in addition to my existing cover
mechanism, when present at highly classified US Government facilities
and briefings, your humble intelligence officer has technically been
laboring under false name. While I most certainly delight at the inside joke
inherent in this situation, the real reason I’ve never ventured to Badge
Office to get this (presumably) minor snafu corrected is the knowledge
that a) such a process would involve substantial bureaucratic
aggravation, and b) it’s only 50-50 that the good folks down at BO
wouldn’t re-mangle my name anyway (… although, now that I think of it,
this might be a great reason to walk over to Badge Office right now). And so I continue, year after
year, operating under the deepest cover imaginable.
Cover within cover within
cover.
Cover without end, amen. … Or should I say, striptease
without cease.
An extremely highly cleared
erotic dancer once shamelessly disclosed that, if we perform good deeds
for others, not from any desire for personal reward or recognition, but
simply out of love (and even in secret), then
we are the clothing of the Light
in the world. Say what you will about God, He is no exhibitionist.
Secret
10151917871876.
If this book consists of a series
of insights moving more or less progressively (even if somewhat
titillatingly) toward revelation of an ultimate truth, then like all
burlesque writing, this document basically amounts to a literary
striptease. Moreover, if this book is a striptease, here’s the
panty toss: I can neither confirm nor
deny that, as a CIA officer with most excellent access, I’m looking
through your clothing even as you read these words. … Oh, and needless to say, I’m well aware that
you’ve been working undercover this entire time.
The Covert
Comic. Get naked
with him while you still can!
|
