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 My War on Terror!

John Alejandro King

               

 

The following chronology details the life of one CIA officer and his personal war on terror.

 

*

Monday

The kingdom of terror is within you.

Covertly materialized at 0402 hrs this morning in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and sparsely populated CIA outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and surfing the Net.

… At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than usual in the Homeland.

Calmly removed the techno-trance file and queued up Life Is Life by Laibach. Unplugged the headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast and let 'er rip.

Around the third verse, turned the volume down a little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-sex marriage.

Waited until the song was over, just to make sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to techno-trance.

Dutifully logged successful execution of another covert operation in … my war on terror!

 

Tuesday

Ignorance is blissinformation.

Checked out the latest Terror Alert on the Department of Homeland Security's web site. Reflected that if we had a No Maggot List, we wouldn't need a No Fly List.

 

Wednesday

The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you're not permitted to bring a weapon into a government building.

The difference between a Top Secret document, and a document marked For Official Use Only, is that the latter can be used as a doorstop in any US Government facility, while the former is only permitted to serve said function within a secure US Government vault.

 

Thursday

The term "holy war" isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.

Following work this evening, sat around the house chatting with the wife and playing with the kids. Read an article in the newspaper about feminists calling for a "sex strike" by women to protest the war in Iraq. Was surprised to learn that women weren't on sex strike already.

Also thought about terror.

 

Friday

Occasionally a secret falls into the wrong hands – but most of the time they leap.

 

 

 

*

Monday

The International Spy Museum is located in Washington DC. The International Spy Zoo is located across the river in Langley, Virginia.

Disabled an IED (improvised explosive device) at CIA Headquarters this morning. The bomb, cleverly disguised as a small robotic lawnmower, was moving toward the Kryptos sculpture in the Inner Courtyard when I noticed it on my way to CIA Cafeteria to get coffee and a pastry prior to attending a briefing. Disregarding my personal safety (i.e., my need for large doses of caffeine and sugar prior to 0900 HRS), I instinctively bolted out a side door, sprinted across the grass, and stomped the device into a dozen pieces before it could detonate. 

Though I quickly left the scene so as not to be late for my meeting (and thus managed to purchase coffee and pastry, Alhamdulillah!), I heard afterwards that someone called CIA Security, who immediately launched an investigation into the incident. No doubt we'll learn that this attack was an Al-Qaeda operation.

I don't consider myself a hero for having performed this action. On the contrary, I'd like to think that any Agency employee, seeing our beloved Kryptos sculpture in peril, would have responded in a similar manner.

Not that I for a single moment believe myself deserving, but in the event your humble spook is awarded the Distinguished Intelligence Cross for my actions today, I intend to respectfully decline the honor. For me it's reward enough knowing that I'm helping win small battles like this - battles in our war, your war … my war on terror!

 

Tuesday

They say unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes. Then again, if you're a dog you probably like that view.

When people really fear the government, they get jobs there.

 

Wednesday

Is the question "Is the glass half empty or half full?" semi-intelligent or semi-idiotic?

Critical to our homeland security is recognizing terrorist threats in the workplace. Taking just a few minutes each quarter, or even once a month, to acknowledge terrorist threats at work – presenting those threats with a certificate and/or small gift card as appropriate – can help lift team morale and encourage co-workers to step up their efforts in hopes of being recognized as terrorist threats too!

 

Thursday

Sometimes in my mind I can still see Grandma's old Bible, with its worn out cover, tattered spine and frayed edges. But then I think: wait, that's not Grandma's Bible, that's Grandma. 

The famous marketing principle "If you can't state your position in eight words, you don't have a position" can't be stated in eight words.

 

Friday

All the world's not a stage, it's a huge Cone of Silence.

In my capacity as research manager for counter-weaons proliferation, at one point I seriously investigated the concept of "bio body armor." The basic idea: if an American soldier, intelligence officer or other US Person serving overseas were attacked, highly contagious organisms would be released from the body armor, completely debilitating the attackers. 

Eventually I gave up on the project when I realized that this form of defense exists already, and is America itself.

 

Sunday

Every room is a situation room.

Sunday afternoon - the weekend's almost here! Think I'll have a drink or nine and chat with the wife while the kids run around in the yard, following which activities your humble spook intends to turn in early this evening. Need to be well rested when I log in at work shortly after 0400 tomorrow morning, play Oh Happy Day by the Edwin Hawkins Singers at full volume on my computer, and thereby unleash another inspired counteroffensive in … my war on terror!

 

*

Monday

'Threat management' is a redundancy.

If you don't attend counterterrorism briefings for the donuts first and the intel second, the real terrorist is you. 

 

Tuesday

Is there a patron saint of intelligence officers? If not, I'm thinking Gabriel, the saint of diplomats, communications, and remote sensing, would be the logical choice.

Note regarding terminology: the phrase 'war on terror' refers to the fight against terror itself, not to making war against something else while seated upon, conveyed by means of, or otherwise physically propped up by terror.

 

Wednesday

You make me want to be a better-armed person.

My wife has a sex drive. The problem is, she also has a sex neutral, a sex park and a sex reverse.

 

Thursday

Better a consultant who tap dances, than a consultant who does the moonwalk.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, shame on you again!

 

Friday

Anything war can do, peace can do better. Especially kill people.

 

 *

Monday

What's classified Top Secret in executive offices on the seventh floor of CIA Headquarters is common knowledge in clay huts on the sixth floor of CIA Headquarters.

Captured two terrorists this afternoon who were cleverly disguised in white short-sleeved business shirts with black ties and riding bicycles. An obvious attempt to infiltrate my home and forcibly convert me and my family to their obscure sect of extremist Islam.

They're tied up in our basement at the moment. Haven't decided what to do with these infidels just yet.

 

Tuesday

Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must use a silencer.

When asked to comment on the report, a CIA spokesperson began trembling uncontrollably, then suddenly vanished, leaving behind a fist-sized cube of pale grainy material that crumbled easily when handled by journalists. 

A second CIA spokesperson pleaded in terror not to be told about the report at all. – Washington Post (attributed)

 

Wednesday

You complete me. You complete-me destroy my life.

NASA's Vehicle Assembly Building is the world's largest structure – it's actually been known to rain inside it on occasion. 

Today I was privileged to be taken on a tour of this storied facility as part of a US Intelligence Community delegation, and we experienced the phenomenon firsthand. The workers on the scaffolding far above us seemed unfazed by the conditions – we could actually hear them shouting and laughing about it "raining inside the building again."

 

Thursday

Don’t hate the conspiracy, date the conspiracy!

The more expensive looking the CIA office furniture in a movie, the cheaper the screenplay.

 

Friday

Have a need to know this.

 

Saturday

Went shopping with the wife and kids today. Reflected on how fortunate we are to live in a subsurb where the local Burger King has a "God Bless America" banner hanging in front of the drive-thru. Because otherwise we'd have no choice but to purchase our burgers and fries at the Al-Qaeda's across the street.

 

 

*

Monday

What the CIA tells Congress it's doing, and what the CIA is really doing, are three different things.  

Read an intelligence estimate today on creeping normality. Tried to remember a time when normality didn't.

 

Tuesday

Do I believe in coincidence? I’m not even sure I believe in incidence yet.

Fundamental to the achievement of victory in the War on Terror is choosing the right weapons. As a fully cleared intelligence officer with a documented record of routing terrorism throughout the universe, I recommend the following armaments which have proven their worth time and again to me and many other counterterror professionals. 

1.  Be calm, optimistic, friendly, and cultivate a mildly cynical sense of humor.

2.  Seek truth and believe in the Light.

3.  Calimocho de Cia.

For those not familiar with the classified world, a Calimocho de Cia is a non-lethal chemical agent that has been shown to be extremely effective against terror. To produce a Calimocho de Cia (or "CC" for short), simply mix a single serving of Diet Coke - or any other well-caffeinated cola soft drink - with a very generous quantity of burgundy or other potent red wine; then add a small-to-medium-sized shot of 100 proof peppermint schnapps, 94 proof gin, or comparable booze. Be sure to deploy as cold as possible. Repeat as not needed.

 

Wednesday

My very first job was at McDonalds. In that job I learned an important principle: when something goes wrong at work, blame the guy who gets killed.

Gave a counterproliferation briefing to a group of visiting foreign intelligence officers at HQS today. Got a big laugh when I told them: "Victims of biotoxin attack experience acute paralysis, lose control of bodily functions, and exhibit severe twitching and convulsions. You know, sort of like on your wedding night."

Also nudged terror and winked knowingly. 

 

Thursday

Actually, this is a gun in my pocket and I'm glad to see you.

The CIA isn't so much a shadow government, as a government by black light.

 

Friday

I can neither confirm nor deny that the Mauritanian Islamic Liberation Front was originally created by me and a couple of other guys at CIA to make web-based intelligence collection at work more agreeable.

I can confirm more than deny that it has in fact done so.

 

Sunday

I wouldn't mind that most men lead lives of quiet desperation, if they didn't do it so loudly.

Drove the family to DC for a stroll along the Washington Mall this afternoon. Remained constantly on the alert for terror, but all I saw were several guys dressed in camo holding machine guns.

Not to be judgmental, but one thing I frankly find offensive is people who stand on street corners shaking cups with coins in them. I mean, hey, I have money too, but you don't see me flaunting it in public like that.

Going to bed early tonight. Want to be rested and focused tomorrow morning when I play Vagueness by Kinoue64 on my computer at work (full volume, of course) hours before dawn. There's nothing like hearing a wall of Shoegaze guitar music (downloaded from the future, to boot) move like a slow tsunami through the dark halls of a CIA facility around 4:00 a.m. It's a most exhilarating way to begin a fresh work week, and invariably inspires great new operational concepts on behalf of ... my war on terror!

 

 *

Monday

If it topples over on me and pins me underneath it, does that count as seizing the day?

Rumor has it there's a major reorganization in the works here at Langley. 

I’m all for organizational shakeups at CIA, so long as we're not organizationally stirred.

 

Tuesday

Are more people suffering from attention deficit disorder these days, or are there just fewer things worth paying attention to?

SpookSpeak. Disclaymore n. A directional, command-detonated denial of responsibility featuring an exceptionally wide kill zone.

 

Wednesday

You say 'terrorist database' like there's some other kind.

Received a communiqué from a military buddy serving in Iraq. He reports that your humble intel officer's counterterror weapon of choice, the Calimocho de Cia, is enjoying growing popularity among US and Coalition forces there.

According to my source, the CC has significantly improved morale, enhanced combat readiness, and is starting to find favor among more progressive Iraqis fighting terror as well.

Speaking of combat, this evening I chased away a terrorist I found crouching next to the sliding door on the deck of our townhome. Judging from its large distended abdomen, I strongly suspect it was a female carrying an egg sack.

At first I was going to kill it, but in the end I just flicked it off our deck with the tip of my shoe.  

Please don't get me wrong - I was not being soft on terror. On the contrary, I fully expect that by now this particular terrorista has given birth and is being eaten alive by her offspring, who in turn should provide tasty nutrition to the local bird population.

 

Thursday

The saying ‘Youth is truth’ is long in the tooth.

Subject was vetted by FBI's Terrorist Screening Center, but was rejected for a leading role when he kept forgetting his lines. – [Context classified]

 

Friday

You be my suicide bomber, I'll be your bomb-sniffing dog.

 

 *

Monday

Give us this day our Daily Brief.

Read the following editorial comment this morning in a major US news publication: "A CIA officer at Langley is paid a hundred thousand dollars a year to exchange e-mails with a semi-employed bureaucrat in Pakistan, and we call that intelligence???"

As a CIA officer, I know I sure do!

 

Tuesday

In Islam it's called a "fatwa." In the Christian religion it's referred to as a "Memorandum for the Record."

A mnemonic verse to help one remember not to commit genocide:

Only a creep'll

Annihilate a people

 

Wednesday

The term ‘weasel words’ may well constitute, or at least cannot be ruled out as constituting, a redundancy.

SpookSpeak. Orgasm n. A fake fake orgasm.

 

Thursday

War on Terror – lesson learned: It's difficult to carry out an effective psychological operation against an enemy who has a non-operational psyche.

 

Friday

When they say "no preparation necessary," do they mean to prepare isn't necessary, or that it's necessary to not prepare?

James Michener wrote: "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as well stay home."

The problem is, that's how I feel about my home.

 

Saturday

There's a fine line between surrounding yourself with talented people and deploying human shields.

 

 *

Monday

CIA is the big wet friendly dog of international espionage.

Read some disturbing intelligence today regarding efforts by a Third World government to develop weapons of mass destruction.

‘World’ - talk about a dangerous concept.

 

Tuesday

Necessity is the mother-in-law of patents.

Does each of us not sell his or her body to strangers?

… Because a lot of nights it seems like I'm the only person standing out here.

 

Wednesday

I don't understand military personnel wearing green and brown camouflage in computer rooms. Shouldn't their camo look like computers???

To get a sense of what the real world of espionage is like, imagine the James Bond Theme performed by a junior high school marching band.  

 

Thursday

Sh*t doesn't happen, happening sh*ts.

My wife is thinking about having another baby. As for me, I've got a few questions.  

First of all, how many children do we have now?

 

Friday

In the Photoshop of life, some of us need sharpening, some of us need resizing, and some of us need a whole lot of negative warp.

 

 

 

*

Monday

Misinformation es tusinformation.

My military buddy in Iraq wrote me another e-mail. He says if I don't ship him numerous bottles of 100 proof schnapps or comparable booze so he can make many Calimochos de Cia, he'll request I be sent TDY to the Green Zone to provide training for nascent Iraqi defense and security forces.

In my reply I played his threat off as a joke. Just to be on the safe side though, I'm looking into how to get an entire case of firewater sent over there asap. 

Sometimes it feels like international terrorism is actually making my penis smaller. On the other hand, if my penis gets small enough, maybe I'll be able to have multiple orgasms!

 

Tuesday

As the French would say, 'Les Français ne diraient jamais 'Comme diraient les Français.''

My wife and I had our first fight last night. We pinned a couple from across the street two minutes into the third round.

 

Wednesday

Intelligence dissemination limited? No kidding.

Allen Ginsberg's thought: 'First thought, best thought' could not have occurred prior to his third thought.

 

Thursday

When I joined the CIA I lost friends, family, and relationships. The countersurveillance training is that good!

Perhaps the most alarming revelation in the wake of Monday's brutal repression of mass demonstrations against the president of Malawi is that it turns out I'm the president of Malawi, and no one at CIA Headquarters bothered to tell me.

… I could have been seriously injured, people.

 

Friday

Why do you want to be when you grow up?

 

 *

Monday

No Entry Without Badge. With Badge, Even Less Entry Than That.

Post-traumatic stress disorder – otherwise known as "first day back from vacation."

I can neither confirm nor deny having spent the last several days at a well known US theme park (not talking about CIA Headquarters … just this one time) with the wife and kids. 

A minor blip occurred on our first night at the hotel, when my wife and I discovered to our absolute panic that our 10-month-old baby boy had eaten a terrorist.  

Near as we can figure, our son discovered the poor hapless bastard crawling across the floor of our hotel kitchen. Although we managed to pry about a third of the extremist's lifeless body from his mouth, we were unable to retrieve the rest. No doubt the terrorist had it coming, but that's one fate I wouldn't wish on even the most vicious Al-Qaeda member.

Good thing terrorists are basically made of protein, so there should be no significant health risk to our junior spook.

 

Tuesday

Mom warned me about girls like you, Mom.

Read that dogs align themselves with the Earth's magnetic field when urinating or defecating. Trying it myself this week – so far it does kind of feel better.

 

Wednesday

My name is engraved in marble at CIA Headquarters (and in order to keep it that way, I'm not telling where).

Saw on the news that a parking garage collapsed in New Jersey. 

Which raises the question: how many other parts of New Jersey are there that still haven't collapsed yet?

 

Thursday

Imagery exploitation? As a matter of fact, I’m helping that imagery pay her way through college.

On the other hand, getting found in the shuffle isn't necessarily all that hot either.

 

Friday

You say 'chaos theory' like there's some other kind.

  

*

Monday

'According to a reliable HUMINT source with proven access' is to intelligence as 'based on a true story' is to Hollywood films.

Heard a rumor this morning about a possible TDY by your humble intel officer to Baghdad. This particular RUMINT has me going out to provide counterproliferation briefings for a week along with legendary WMD contractor "Gary S." 

Good ol' Gary S. owns the distinction of having been gassed with Sarin in the 1960's twice, and living to consult about it. 

Gary's advice on surviving exposure to lethal nerve agents: "Just stay calm, stick the atropine injector in your leg like they showed you in training, breathe slowly, and try not to move around too much."

By the way, except for the part about "staying calm," the above instructions pretty much sum up a typical day in the life of many counterintel officers.

 

Tuesday

If you urinate high enough, you’ll make a rainbow!

SpookSpeak. Action n. A particularly unconvincing form of bluff.

 

Wednesday

Time cannot erase the memory of love lost – as quickly and easily as it can deallocate that memory using a TRUNCATE TABLE command.

The words 'national' and 'security' are like precursors for a binary chemical weapon: not overly dangerous by themselves, but capable of completely shutting down the brain and nervous system when used in combination.


Thursday  

As an operations officer on the front lines of the fight against international terrorism, there have been times I wept after agent meetings. The intel was that funny.

Happy Thanksgiving!

While babysitting the kids and waiting to eat bird this afternoon, cruised around the Agency's public web site on the home PC. Noted per the description on the page that the celebrated HQS sculpture Kryptos (you know, the one I heroically saved from terrorists only a few weeks ago) "incorporates native American materials such as wood and metal." You can't make this stuff up, people. At least not without an official security clearance.

In the evening we had Thanksgiving dinner with various in-laws. 

Thought about terror. Frequently.

 

Friday

Each of us is our own agent provocateur.

 

Sunday

This morning at Mass our priest spoke about divine agency. Couldn’t tell whether he was referring to CIA or NSA.

Lounged around the house with the wife and kids today, feasting on Thanksgiving leftovers and watching television. When I heard a TV commentator say that Americans aren't a gullible people, I just smiled. Americans not gullible: talk about wonderful news!

Must now get to bed early. It's critical to US national security that your humble spook rise, eons before dawn tomorrow, and play Have You Forgotten How to Love Yourself by the Red House Painters on my computer at CIA Headquarters, so as to already have fought and won, eons beforehand ... my war on terror!

 

 *

Monday

There's nothing funny about waterboarding. Especially if you wipe out.

It's 'Alhamdulillah,' not 'All ham to Allah.' Trust me on this one.

 

Tuesday

If there wasn't a method to it, it wouldn't be madness.

There's untold wealth in Africa, and untold Africa in wealth. 

 

Wednesday

God does not play dice with the universe ... ever since the universe caught God cheating last week.

Albert Einstein: The grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.

Numerous jazz musicians: Everything is everything.

 

Thursday

I'm worried about the rate at which America seems to be spiraling out of control.

America usually spirals out of control well before lunchtime.

 

Friday

With no jihadists or virgins there, how bad can hell be???

Let's not do something we'll regret later. Let's do it now!

 

Sunday

I’m not divorced from reality, but we are seeing other people.

Have prepared a protein-packed breakfast and ensured ample caffeine supplies for tomorrow’s pre-dawn raid on my cubicle at HQS. Also choosing appropriate music, of course; something up-tempo with a big, mean-ass bass line – all the better with which to stomp the enemy while unleashing another triumphant week in… my war on terror! 

 

*

Monday

Communism, fascism, tourism – all the monolithic ideologies are basically the same.

It's officially not on! 

Your humble spook is for the record not flying TDY to Baghdad in four weeks. I won't be there providing tutorials on the use of a couple of classified applications (officially not developed by my team) that don't enable identification and neutralization of weapons of mass destruction. And yeah, the venerable Gary S., nerve agent survivor and counterproliferation consultant extraordinaire, officially won't be going out with me.

I'll readily admit that I’d been feeling somewhat conflicted about whether I really wanted to undertake such a mission; but now that the decision has been made for me, I can't wait not to go!

When I don't go TDY to Iraq, I intend not to take along an ample personal cache of burgundy, schnapps and/or gin plus Diet Coke for mixing my famed Calimochos de Cia … you know, to tide me over while I search for more strategic quantities of said materiel on behalf of our brave men and women serving in that country (and me).

 

Tuesday

Intelligence discipline? I find timeouts work pretty well.

I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.

 

Wednesday

It's not an asymmetric threat, it's an asymmetric promise.

It bothers me to see so many people in our society today scared and stressed out. So this morning I hooked up a microphone and loudspeaker to my car, and at lunch drove around Capitol Hill and Pennsylvania Avenue repeating the following phrase in an official sounding voice:

“Please remain calm. Do not panic. The situation is under control.”

It did seem to have an effect on people. It certainly made me feel better.

 

Thursday

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. On the other hand, ain't nothin' but massive solar storms when she's present.

To be cleared to know is sexy. To actually know is fat, bald and middle-aged.

 

Friday

I'm no longer flirting with disaster – disaster and I are now formally engaged.

 

 

Man, sometimes I really hate terror ...

 

*

Monday

Think of managers, not as order givers, but as facilitators. And that's a facilitation.

This draft presidential finding needs to be sanitized prior to release to Congress. Get me an expert on sanity. – [Context classified]

 

Tuesday

Some women take off their clothes, others get evicted by them.

Officially didn't drive over to State Department this morning to not pick up my dip passport for my non-TDY to Baghdad. While there, reflected that State Department officers have diplomatic immunity, while CIA spooks have diplomatic autoimmunity.

 

Wednesday

According to the Daily Threat Report, the threat of this being a day has officially been raised from Elevated to High.

 

Thursday

Peace through strength, neutrinos through solid matter.

Words of Estimative Probability are the tiny car that twenty-seven clowns pile out of at the circus of intelligence analysis.

 

Friday

I have everything I need to destroy my enemies in a manila envelope. Now if I can just figure out a way to get them in there.

To rise to the rank of entertainment executive, I bet you have to be really fun.

 

Sunday

Combat readiness? Don't we always???

Speaking of which (readiness, not combatting it), tomorrow I'm getting read in for my Baghdad TDY. Think I'll go to bed early tonight, so that before the sun comes up I can materialize in my cubicle deep inside CIA Headquarters and prepare for the preparing by listening to River Man by Nick Drake on my computer. 

I mean, talk about getting read in – the lyrics to that song are actually classified. I've sung too much already.

 

 *

Monday

When the stock market goes down, it goes down on the bond market.

Learned about the Iraqi stakeholders I'll officially not be working with on my upcoming trip. Reasonably sensitive stuff, though nothing you can't figure out by watching TV news with the sound muted while listening to bass-heavy Middle East-themed techno trance music.

Too bad I don't have time to take some of the advanced personal security training courses (defensive driving, hand-to-hand combat, etc.) that HUMINT spooks receive in preparation for being sent overseas to Danger Pay posts. I mean, with that kind of skillset, just think of all the terror your humble spook could defeat in the future when seeking a parking spot at Tyson's Corner shopping mall during Christmas season (to cite merely one National Security-relevant example).

 

Tuesday

Shhh ... I heard I thought something.

SpookSpeak. Collide o' scope n. Any project for which more than one organization defines requirements.

 

Wednesday

There is none so anosmic as he who will not smell.

Waxing philosophical may be tiresome, but it leaves your philosophy smooth and hair-free for up to six full weeks.

 

Thursday

If I ever look back and see a second set of footprints in the sand beside my own, as a CIA officer I'm thinking maybe it's Jesus, or maybe it's our tech guys playing another one of their jokes. 

Got a pleasant surprise this morning when a group of terrorists visited our neighborhood to sing Christmas carols. When they got to our house, a couple of them told me that, although technically at war with the United States and international Zionism (and therefore reserving the right to attack and kill us later in the month), they wanted to sincerely convey best wishes to me and my family. Feeling distinctly moved, I thanked the terrorists for their magnanimous gesture, and enthusiastically wished them the same.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the holiday spirit could last all year long?

 

Friday

If you laughed slowly enough, you'd think you were being serious.

 

 *

Monday

Life's a pitch, then you spy.

Before I was hired by CIA, I used to joke that a real central intelligence agency would have a gigantic brain located deep inside its headquarters building. 

Now that I work here, I realize such jokes are foolish. And painful.

 

Tuesday

The saying “curiosity killed the cat” isn't an argument for not being curious, it's an argument for not being a cat.

May your hopes never be dashed, but rather, comma-delimited.

 

Wednesday

My operational cover won't withstand scrutiny. It starts giggling and blushing every time.

Briefing the Defense Appropriations Subcommittee is like having a baby take your candy.

 

Thursday

How did he who rides a tiger get on it in the first place?

Intelligence Community Dis of the Day. Originator Controlled? She sure wasn't last night!

 

Friday

The last person in the world you should be sleeping with is still a person you should be sleeping with.

Every day is International Tangled Web of Emotions Day.

 

Sunday

Millions long for immorality, who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

... What? It’s 'immortality?'

That too.

… Speaking of which (immorality, immortality, or both), your humble spook officially doesn't fly out TDY to Baghdad next Thursday morning. Going to turn in early tonight. Need to get as much rest as possible in advance of the many harrowing battles I'm no doubt soon to fight in ... my war on terror!

 

 *

Monday

I may be human scum, but damn it, I'm still scum.

Talk about harrowing battles in my war on terror. In anticipation of Thursday’s TDY your humble spook had to go to the Office of Medical Services this morning to receive shots and a butt probe.

Question: Is the probing of my anus really essential to our National Security? 

Who am I kidding? Everyone knows that a butt probe, and our National Security, are one and the same thing.

 

Tuesday

You don't buy the doll because it's inflatable, you buy it because it's deflatable.

When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.

 

Wednesday

Her lips said no, but her eye said yes.

How can you think outside it unless there's a box?

 

Thursday

There are no passengers on spaceship Earth – we're all sky marshals. 

Now I know how Mata Hari must have felt (assuming Mata Hari's luggage ever got lost when she was TDY).

Good thing I don't keep controlled information in my personal baggage (not counting those nude pictures of Mata Hari).

 

Friday

Wall, wall, behind the mirror

Who the hell put this spy cam here???

Even if I knew the geographic coordinates of this room I just checked into, I wouldn't be permitted to disclose them. At this moment every cell in my body is totally exhausted. I'm so tired I'm not even going to play Snoopy's Theme by Vince Guaraldi on my computer at full blast (which I had intended to do as a way of celebrating my arrival at the massive US embassy compound here in Baghdad). For now, that milestone will have to wait. I am turning in immediately, this very second, because trust me people, your humble spook is absolutely smack dab in the middle of ... my war on terror!

 

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Monday

I'm all for situation awareness, so long as the situation doesn't start getting ideas.

Iraq TDY – Day One. Wouldn't you know it: I show up in Baghdad and they start killing liquor store owners.  

Is there a message here? If so, I assume the message is: I should have brought a lot more liquor. 

This morning was briefly briefed by a briefer wearing (probably) briefs. Subject of said briefing: briefees whom I'll briefly be briefing.

Following the briefing, caught an armored shuttle back to my quarters. While on the way experienced a massive sandstorm that reduced visibility to near zero and made any forward movement virtually impossible. Momentarily felt as if I was back in DC attending a State Department conference on sustainable Third World socio-economic development.

After dinner, had a drink or six with Gary S. Man, can that guy put 'em down. No wonder he survived multiple exposures to deadly WMDs – he's clearly built up an immunity.

 

 

Tuesday

The world's largest mosque is located only one hundred meters from the Grand KFC of Mecca.

I think it's important that the American people understand that the US presence in Iraq isn't about oil. It's about the money you get from selling oil. 

Oh, and by the way, I've definitely decided that my favorite smell is Kevlar. Unless Kevlar doesn't have a smell, in which case my favorite smell is me wearing Kevlar.

 

Wednesday

Good intelligence isn't distilled, it's detoxed.

More briefings. Tried a Saddam Burger at lunch today. Actually, it was a Kabab Iroog, but it kind of looked like a hamburger. Pretty tasty too. I almost relented to having a beer with it, but in the end decided to maintain my standards (your humble intel officer prefers wine and liquor if at all possible - not because I'm a snob, you understand, but because beer tends to make your humble spook fat, plus I get little or no buzz from it, thereby rendering its intelligence value at best questionable).

In the evening, talked on the phone with my beautiful wife back home in Northern Virginiastan in advance of my return flight this weekend. Just for kicks, told her I was getting lots of hot dates here in Baghdad. My intent was to make a pun about Iraq's leading cash crop. The problem: my beautiful wife is from Eastern Europe.

Language difficulties … and now, marital difficulties.

Not to worry. I'll smooth everything over when/if I get back home.

 

Thursday

War is glorious until you see the man next to you get killed. Then war is only glorious if he was an asshole.

You want to know about real terrorism? I'll tell you about real terrorism. Real terrorism is when you fly half way around the world to a major conflict zone, check in to your room inside a massively guarded compound, carefully place your smuggled alcohol in the ice box, then later that evening after work, with the lights and the air conditioning and the Internet in your room all functioning perfectly, you go to get your booze from the ice box … and it's warm. Because the ice box – and only the ice box – has stopped working.

Damn you Al-Qaeda!

 

Friday

We only hate what we don't understand. What we understand, we loathe, despise and execrate.

A lot of folks would have said I was crazy to befriend the Iraqi street kid who stood in front of me waving a live hand grenade as I walked alone down a seedy Baghdad side street.

I know I would have said this, which is why I threw a wad of bills at him and got my ass out of there at a rate approaching light speed. 

The good news: my ice box is once again functioning, and tomorrow is Saturday (no briefings)! The even better news: I've been working the only energy pipeline that really matters, and as a result may shortly succeed in scoring multiple units of 100 proof peppermint schnapps on behalf of various American military personnel here.

Talk about a potentially decisive stratagem in … my war on terror!

 

Saturday

My conscience is cleared.

Briefings completed. With my bags packed in preparation for my trip home tomorrow, reflected at length on the following question:

Have I succeeded in my journal in fully exploring the inherent tension within this narrative, namely, that of terror and the war against it, a war that I, an intelligence officer (and by extension all of us, because ultimately who isn’t an intelligence officer?) must necessarily wage as a basic condition of existence?

As for your humble spook's take on this question, the following probably best summarizes my view:

I found firewater!!!

That's right folks. I'm talking real, 100 proof, red-hot-sweet, good ol' made-in-America schnapps. The encrypted key of encrypted keys.

Regarding how I managed – here in the Middle East, of all places – to locate and acquire this most powerful Weapon of Mass Creation: such information must remain, now and likely forever, Top Secret. Suffice to say that, with the technical endorsement of Gary S. (who agreed that “in theory it could help a little”), your humble spook managed to get the chief of station to sign off on a shipment of numerous cases of “nerve agent antidote-related” material “ostensibly labeled” booze (you know, for cover purposes).

My DoD buddies, to whom I arranged delivery of virtually the entire contents, are talking about putting me in for a Meritorious Service Medal (especially when they’re consuming the product, which right now they’re doing very, very frequently).

By the way, this evening my beautiful wife called from stateside. Seems she looked in the dictionary and figured out the "date" joke. Everything's fine now (not that it ever wasn't – but thanks for caring, America).

Allah of which reminds me:

Once this whole international terrorism thing calms down, I for one would like to see a bunch of us CIA and other intel and military officers get together with former Al-Qaeda members ... you know, to have a few drinks, tell war stories (unclassified, of course), and just share some laughs at the craziness of life and terror generally.

 

 

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Monday

Have any persons unknown to you handled your national security at any time?

Back home this morning, none the worse for terror.

… For the most part, that is. While details are classified, let's just say that what started out as a straightforward departing flight from Baghdad for points northwest two days ago (I think it was two days ago), culminated in a bus ride through Israel with a couple dozen just-released Palestinian militants. Incredibly, this was the only available means of transportation to catch a connecting flight at Ben Gurion International Airport, after my original flight was thrice diverted due to security concerns.

I do have to admit that the guys on the bus were a reasonably fun bunch. They sang some pretty cool songs – especially one with "Shalom" in the chorus (though it's possible they were actually saying "Salam"; I couldn't tell for sure since I don't speak Arabic or Hebrew). The Israeli soldiers gave each of us bottled water and a small bag of pretzels (better than what I got on the El Al flight afterwards, I might add).

My boss has ordered me to take an entire week off before coming back to work. You know, so the jet lag won't mess with my sleep cycle and cause me to potentially do something weird like (to cite merely one possible example) get up at 0300 hrs and drive to the office to fight terror.

… Allah forbid.

 

Monday

The kingdom of terror is within you.

Covertly materialized at 0401 hrs this morning in my cubicle, deep inside a dark and sparsely populated CIA outbuilding, listening to techno-trance music on my headphones and surfing the Net.

… At virtually the same moment, noticed breaking news on my computer screen about a more horrific terrorist attack than usual in the Homeland.

Calmly removed the techno-trance file and queued up Life Is Life by Laibach. Unplugged the headphone attachment from my computer, turned the speaker volume up full blast and let 'er rip.

Around the third verse, turned the volume down a little and checked the Web again. Noted that the story about the terrorist attack had been replaced by a report on same-marriage sex.

Waited until the song was over, just to make sure. Reinserted the headphone attachment and resumed listening to techno-trance.

Dutifully logged successful execution of another covert operation in … my war on terror!