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The Covert Comic

Catwalk of Spies

 

The following officially isn't a collection of excerpts from recent intelligence briefings by the Covert Comic.

 

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Let the facts lie for themselves.

 

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The world is your walk-in.

  

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The real redaction is the declassification.

 

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And ye shall be known by the truth, after which the truth shall set you free.

 

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Secret 83.2.  Good intel assets get you promoted.  Bad intel assets get you intel.

 

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SpookSpeak.  Cleared adj.  1. Officially granted access to classified information.  2. Sold at a discount.  3. Removed as unwanted refuse.  4. All of the above, more or less in that sequence.

   

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The ultimate no-lone zone is your cranial cavity.

 

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Every intelligence briefing is a catwalk of spies.

 

 

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Secret 24913060.  The exception grooves the rule.

 

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I'm damned if I do, but only darned if I don't.

                           

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You are what you spot, assess, develop, recruit and handle.

 

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The true Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility is your soul.

 

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Every Special National Intelligence Estimate is a catwalk of spies.

 

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'Intelligence Sources & Methods Involved?'  I didn't even know they were dating!

  

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Is it that a lot of stuff looks like the Virgin Mary, or that the Virgin Mary looks like a lot of stuff?

 

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For 95% of the world, the most effective form of sabotage is nonintervention.

  

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SpookSpeak.  Digress v.  [Portmanteau of di- (twofold, double) + progress (to develop toward a more advanced state)]  To be twice as informative and enlightening.

 

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You can tell a lot about a person by what they think you can tell a lot about a person by.

 

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Secret 31150.  Either it's not worth worrying about, or it's worth not worrying about.

 

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At CIA our job isn’t to be part of the first line of defense against an enemy, it’s to be part of that enemy’s first line of attack.

 

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Before you criticize a baby, crawl a mile in its diaper.

 

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Don’t search on the phrase “stupid quotes;” it just returns quotes about being stupid.

 

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Attended a threat management course at State Department.  What a waste of time.  They spent the whole day talking about prevention.

 

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The more powerful the drug, the worse the drug violence … and yet, the better the drug violence.

 

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Whoever said "The hand that holds a book cannot hold a gun" never worked for CIA Tech Ops.

 

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People who don't need people are the second luckiest people in the world.

 

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Application for CIA Employment, Question 1.19

 

Fill in the blank with the word or phrase that best completes the following sentence, using the choices provided below.

You must __ the change you wish to see in the world.

a. Be

b. Flee

c. Ski

d. Brie

e. Pee

f.

 

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Properly executed, the brush pass is a highly effective means of covert communication.  Improperly executed, it's even better.

 

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A good hamburger looks like someone eating a good hamburger.

 

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It isn't drug abuse if you don't slap the drugs around and force them to have sex with you.

                  

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A dog only urinates on that which stands firm.

                                                      

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I don't suffer fools gladly, I suffer them orgasmically.

 

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Secret 76913082.  Probability that Van Morrison chose the song title ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ because he couldn’t remember her name: 66.7%. 

 

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If E = mc², this presumably explains all the energetic fat people.

 

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As long as there's an i in 'deity,' I really don't care how you spell 'team.'

 

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When the people demand the truth, and those in power respond with silence, why is it assumed that those in power aren’t being truthful?

 

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If you can't recruit the asset you love, love the asset you recruit.

 

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You don't drink to drown your sorrows, you drink to give them mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

   

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When I said I liked living dangerously, I didn't mean dangerously for me.

                  

 

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Secret 2.3.8.  Eternity merely postpones the inevitable.

 

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In the core values statement on the CIA web page is the following declaration: “We seek and speak the truth.” 

To which, as a CIA officer, I might add that we leak, sneak, tweak, wreak, freak, pique and gleek the truth too.

 

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Big secrets are little compared to little secrets.

 

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I'm well travelled, but badly arrived.

 

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Secret 52810131.  Every narrow flat platform used by fashion models to demonstrate clothing, accessories and/or narrow flat platforms, is an intelligence briefing.

 

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What is the sound of one hand clapping … your smooth, firm, perfectly rounded buttocks?

 

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If enough sh*t hits the fan blades, they'll stop rotating.

 

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In an opposite universe, the bar walks into you. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 3.49

 

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SpookSpeak.  Beclassify v.  To classify information excessively or in an ostentatious manner.

 

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America can't be the world's policeman?  Damn.  I was kind of hoping we could arrest and strip search Denmark.

 

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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; which means that, by definition, it was also the median of times.

 

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When Thomas Jefferson said "We must be contented to amuse when we cannot inform," he was wearing platform shoes and a wig.

 

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The word 'heroes' is just 'herpes' without the vertical line attached to the front of the o.  But if this idea seems a little hard to understand, the point is, sometimes heroes are too.

 

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Secret 182.4.  He who would go viral must first show himself virulent.

 

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I may not know the half of it, but I know the √-1 of it.

 

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Let your conscience be your slide.

 

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Good contact reporting isn’t merely a record of the verbal statements made by an asset or developmental to an ops officer.  It also includes information about the subject’s facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, what kind of clothes they were wearing, what kind of underclothes they were wearing (and whether they were wearing any underclothes), what kind of moves they had in bed, how noisy or quiet they were, and whether they have any cute friends you can introduce to the chief of station.

 

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No hay “I” en “team”, pero hay dos “yos" en “yo-yo”.

 

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When you’re a kid playing sandlot baseball, you don’t know about salary caps and collective bargaining agreements and luxury taxes; you just know about salary caps and collective bargaining agreements (and maybe a little about luxury taxes).

 

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If less is more, how much is the same amount?

 

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The famous quote "Until all are free, none are free" suggests a challenging, even unpleasant situation.  Until, that is, one analyzes this statement using principles of logical argument. 

First, we express the sentence "Until all are free, none are free" in the form of a logical proposition:

"If it is not the case that all people are free, then it is the case that no people are free." 

Applying the logical contrapositive of this statement, we have:

"If it is not the case that no people are free, then it is not not the case that all people are free." 

An unwieldy sentence to be sure.  But utilizing the concept of double negation, this statement becomes: "If at least one person is free, then all people are free." 

Clearly a happier, more optimistic interpretation!

The exercise above is just one example of how logic, when properly applied, can serve to clarify problems and help suggest solutions.  The reader is invited to use logic to analyze other famous statements – for instance the following:

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

 

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Actually, I'm OK with less than extreme prejudice, as long as you terminate.

 

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Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the whole world will be dusty.

 

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Before we get into a pissing contest here, is the prize for height, quantity, or force per square meter?

 

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Then again, is there any use not beating a dead horse?

 

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An aphorism and its author aren't joined by a dash, but separated by it.

 

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When they say "Ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity," do they mean every time?

  

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Saw a headline on the CIA website: “The CIA World Factbook Is Changing.” 

Jokingly imagined dictators around the globe reading these words and trembling in fear.

Getting more serious, proceeded to read the description of the coming changes: new fonts, enhanced graphics, and a more streamlined presentation.

Realized those dictators should probably flee their countries immediately.

    

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Secret 13613013.  Ask not of whose nation a National Intelligence Estimate is written; it's written of thine own.

 

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You'll never know how high you can soar until you climb inside the cannon.

   

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If a statement begs a question, don't give it one.  It's only going to use the question to get alcohol or drugs.

 

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Sometimes you have to extend a membrane process for what you believe in, even if it means extending that membrane process alone. – Motivational Quotes for Amoeboids

 

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Secret 72252135.  Depending on the configuration, you can only have your cake and eat it too.

 

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The ultimate false flag operation is the flag.

 

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A talk with a child is cheaper than therapy, although if that's your reason for talking to children, you should probably still get the therapy.

 

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I don't know what "passing muster" is, but it certainly doesn't sound like appropriate behavior for a government workplace.

 

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When getting out in front of an issue, always remember that you're running on a circular track.

 

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Infallibility is something you more or less fall into.

 

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You had me at

                                   

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When Jesus told us to love one another, He never said we had to like it.

 

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Come to think of it, when isn't it a good idea to go limp and play dead?

 

 

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Every covert operation is a catwalk of spies.

       

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Life begins at deception.

                

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Don't cry because it's over, smile because you secretly videotaped it.

                            

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"Intelligence" is a contradiction in term.

 

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In an opposite universe, first people state what it is they're demanding an apology for, and then that thing gets done to them. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 379155722

 

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My wife told me "I need you like the desert needs the rain: once, maybe twice a year, for no more than twenty minutes."

 

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In the highly unlikely event he survived the drastic changes in the ratio of his volume to his surface area, by approximately the 8th week of his ordeal the Incredible Shrinking Man, having become smaller than an oxygen molecule, would certainly have died of asphyxiation.

 

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In America we believe in second chances.  We’ll chase after you and kick your ass again.

 

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It was 2:30 in the afternoon, under a cloudless summer sky, when I felt the pulsating thump of the approaching choppers.  Instinctively I looked up, knowing even as I did so that it would be useless.  They always came in the daytime, when they knew you couldn't see them.  Would we ever learn the identity and purpose of the super secret government agency behind the azure helicopters?

 

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Secret 11028121.  What you can't solve, franchise.

 

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Research shows that sex results in health benefits, provided you sleep with someone who has the right coverage plan.

 

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The word "fear" isn't in my vocabulary.  It was too scary so I took it out.

 

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The first three assets a junior CIA ops officer gets killed should be considered part of his or her on-the-job training.  Any assets killed after that should count toward promotion.

 

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Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.

 

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It's not necessarily wrong to hold a grudge, as long as you refrain from heavy petting.

 

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She offered fierce resistance, but I politely declined.  – Excerpt from ops report

 

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Selected List of US Intelligence Classifications

 

(FOUO) For Official Use Only

(C) Confidential

(S) Secret

(TS) Top Secret

(SBU) Sensitive But Unclassified

(SBVU) Sensitive But Very Unclassified

(UBT) Unclassified But Ticklish

(ILBBNP) Into Light Bondage But No Pain

(P) Into Pain

(WNINTEL) Warning Notice - Intelligence Sources & Methods Involved

(WNNISOMIW) Warning Notice – No Intelligent Sources Or Methods Involved Whatsoever

(WNDNBFL) Warning Notice – Do Not Brief Following Lunch

(NOFORN) Not Releasable To Foreign Nationals

(NOPORN) Not Pornography

(PORN) (See FOUO)

(TS-SCI) Top Secret – Sensitive Compartmented Information

(TS-ICI) Top Secret – Insensitive Compartmented Information

(TS-YCTASCISMSCASD) Top Secret – You Call That A Sensitive Compartment???  I’ve Seen More Sensitive Compartments At State Department!

(TS-MCETC) Top Secret – Mi Compartment Es Tu Compartment

(TS-FELO) Top Secret – For Executive Leaking Only

(W) Whatever

 

 

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It's only a secret if someone knows it.  It's only unclassified if no one does.

 

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All sex is farewell sex.

 

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Think twice before you tell a lie.  It'll help you get your story straight.

 

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Every congressional inquiry into a catwalk of spies is a catwalk of spies.

 

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Cleanliness is next to godliness.  And boy do they look uncomfortable together.

 

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You never hear the phrase "Get a life!" anymore.  I guess everyone got a life.

 

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A big-budget intelligence program isn’t cloaked in secrecy, it’s microkinied.

 

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The alien that explodes from our chest cavity is us.

 

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Secret 4081217.  If you don't stand for something, you can't fall for anything.

  

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You’d think the lyrics to a song called "Ramblin' Man" would be longer than 13 lines.

 

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The fact that you've found 10,000 ways that don't work doesn't mean you've failed – especially if it's a time and materials contract.

 

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To sell one's soul may be madness, but not to find out how much one could get for it is just plain dumb.

  

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What you can't rise above, you may yet seep under.

 

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Secret 938187.  The early parasite gets everybody.

 

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After silence, that which comes closest to expressing the inexpressible is sniffling.

 

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Secret 0.761.  To be prepared for it is already the worst.

                        

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Classics of Modern Philosophy Repackaged

It can be proven mathematically that the central proposition underlying any philosophical paradigm has a corresponding romance novel cover.

... And yes, I'm working on the romance novel cover for this proof even as we (passionately and breathlessly) speak.

 

               

                        

                              

 

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Reality: the biggest redaction mark of all.

 

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Action stutters louder than words.

 

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Secret 25.40.  Whenever you give alms, you're executing a perfect brush pass with Jesus.

 

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In an opposite universe, the punches roll with you. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 9391622

 

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Freedom isn't free.  She wants at least a hundred bucks and some ecstasy.

 

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80% of the 80-20 rule is 20% of it.

 

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I've finally realized that I don't need to try to be someone I'm not.  I'm someone I'm not already.

 

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I don’t care what it says, I’m just happy knowing there’s an old saying.

 

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'Tis not the tempest we dread, but the water damage.

 

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To copy: is this not already to paste?

 

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Familiarity breeds contempt?  Gee, I never heard that idea before.

 

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We are no longer slaves to history.  History is now our CEO.

   

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The puppeteer pulls the puppet’s strings.  The puppet pulls the audience’s strings.  The audience pulls the puppeteer’s strings.

 

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That there’s a time and place for everything in no way implies the two intersect.

   

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I said I have a can-do attitude.  I never said I had a do attitude.

 

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I tried following my bliss, but it employed countersurveillance and got away.

 

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I’m not digressing – this briefing is about everything.

 

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 The ultimate onomatopoeia of truth is a word that makes no sound.

 

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Secret 45810161.  We're all on our deathbed, but some of us are jumping up and down on the mattress.

 

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No hurry – take all the time you have.

                                               

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Catwalk of Spies

 

The agency neither confirms nor denies

While booking its models

On the catwalk of spies

 

That the catwalk of truth is a catwalk of lies

And everyone poses

On the catwalk of spies

 

Catwalk of whispers, catwalk of sighs

Catwalk of secrets

Catwalk of spies

 

Cover is a microskirt flaunting your thighs

With sheer blouse unbuttoned

On the catwalk of spies

 

And truth’s a pair of pumps, too small by one size

Make sure you don't stumble

On the catwalk of spies

 

Covert action is shadow that brings out your eyes

And black ops make you slimmer

On the catwalk of spies

 

Spy dust is blush the makeup artist applies

And everyone’s airbrushed

On the catwalk of spies

 

Agents are items you accessorize

You wear each one proudly

On the catwalk of spies

 

But when the big designer your portfolio buys

And you make that cold read

On the catwalk of spies

 

In that moment your dress falls, and you realize

Strutting forth naked

On the catwalk of spies

 

That the passage through which unto light we all rise

That runway of spirit

Is a catwalk of spies

 

Catwalk of whispers, catwalk of sighs

Catwalk of eternity

Catwalk of spies

                          

 

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... But I egress.

 

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Time is a brush pass between a moment and forever.  And the secret exchanged in that most covert of handoffs is … us.

 

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Oh the HUMINTity!

 

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Whenever God opens one secure vault, He automatically closes and locks all the others.

  

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It's becoming increasingly clear that my plans don't include me.

 

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I have peace within.  I killed, skinned and ate it.

 

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To view death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the ocean – the ocean ends way before that.

 

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It isn't the destination or the journey – it's this damn quantum entanglement again. 

  

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Go limper, play deader.

 

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If you ever have a near death experience, and you find yourself in the presence of the all-seeing, all-knowing Light, can you do me a favor and ask the Light who took my weed trimmer?

 

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You can handle this agent any time.

  

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Peace beat upon you.

 

         

The Covert Comic.

If you’re gonna cattalk the cattalk, you better catwalk the catwalk.