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The following document contains proven principles of intelligence tradecraft, as compiled and officially not published by CIA officer John Alejandro King.

In the intelligence world, tradecraft refers to the set of techniques employed by espionage officers to ensure the secure and fruitful conduct of intelligence operations. These techniques include the collection and transmission of sensitive information, care and handling of agents, covert political and/or paramilitary action, the securing of book deals, film rights, merchandising agreements, etc.

Aspiring and established spooks alike are encouraged to study and internalize the concepts in this document, and officially not put them into practice in their own intelligence careers.

Secret 653124141. Experience is a double agent.

The , the whole and nothing but the .

... So help me .

The possession of facts is knowledge; the use of facts is wisdom; the creation of facts is covert action.

Secret 7491.81.9. The more plausible the deniability, the more implausible the denial.

In the beginning was the Classification, and the Classification was with the Word, and the Classification was the Word.

Actionable intelligence. 1. (CIA Headquarters) Information, typically sensitive, the obtainment of which enables the furthering of US policy objectives. 2. (CIA Hindquarters) Information, typically insensitive, the obtainment of which enables the furthering of universal fertility objectives.

They are also clueless, who already know the answer.

Secret 6.329. The contact you're cold pitching is always you.

Anyone without a trace of spy dust on their person is a spy.

Secret 9591514. If history is written in blood, it's redacted with urine.

Infiltration is the sincerest form of flattery.

Secret 29916091. It may be easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, but it's smarter to get ordered to do it.

Please treat the information in this intelligence briefing as sensitive. It has feelings too.

Secret 7.191921. Paranoia isn't an excess of suspicion, it's an excess of hope.

A CIA intelligence estimate is only as inaccurate as its subject matter.

Secret 5691316. Never confuse power with greatness. Power is far greater than greatness.

If you write on the mirror with your finger before it steams up, you're CIA material.

Reaction n. The average of an overreaction and an underreaction.

There's an old CIA saying about Periodic Security Reinvestigations:

Polygrapher's smile, you'll be there a while. Polygrapher's glower, home in an hour.

I can neither confirm nor deny that I have personally found this proverb to be neither confirmable nor deniable.

If the first hour of morning is the rudder of the day, then 2230 is the bilge pump.

Secret 5891368291035. The same piece of intelligence can save your life and get you killed. And not necessarily in that order.

Any first-year analyst can tell you what's happening. But it takes a seasoned intelligence professional to show that nothing's happening at all.

The E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. Principle

When practicing tradecraft, accomplished intelligence officers employ the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle. Use the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle in your own intelligence operations each and every day!

E stands for ESPIONAGE.

Comment: This is to help you remember that it's called the 'E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E.' principle.

S stands for SPYING.

Comment: Interestingly, the word 'spy' comes from the word 'espionage.' Knowing this fact can further assist you in remembering the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle, and can also help make you fun at parties (which are often useful venues for intelligence gathering).

P stands for PRACTICE.

Comment: Always practice good tradecraft (and always practice memorizing the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle!).

I stands for INTELLIGENCE.

Comment: In the US Intelligence Community we practice the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle because we know we can never have enough intelligence.

O stands for OPERATIONS.

Comment: Useful intelligence is the result of effective intelligence operations. Effective intelligence operations are the result of good tradecraft. Good tradecraft is the result of constantly studying the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle. Constantly studying the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle is the manifestation of a deep-seeded inner hunger that is ultimately inseparable from one's essential being. One's essential being is the expression either of the willful act of an intelligent Creator, or evolutionary mechanisms such as natural selection, mutation, genetic drift, and/or gene flow. Which of these constitutes the true source of essential being is a fundamental question of human existence. Whatever the answer turns out to be, I think we can agree that good tradecraft, and hence the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle, is sure to play a key role in helping humankind figure it all out.

N stands for NON-DISCLOSURE.

Comment: A critical element of tradecraft is the protection of classified information, sources and methods. For this reason, you should never disclose the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle to uncleared persons. But if you're thinking 'So who decides who's cleared and who isn't?' please don't read below.

A stands for AGENT.

Comment: In the intelligence world, an agent is a person recruited by a CIA case officer to provide sensitive information regarding the plans and intentions of a foreign regime and/or multinational media corporation, promote that CIA officer's memoirs, spy novel, screenplay or other manuscript, negotiate film, video game, reality TV, action figure and/or other merchandizing rights, and otherwise protect and enhance our national security.

Comment: Per the NON-DISCLOSURE principle (see above), I am not at liberty to disclose the meaning of this letter.

E stands for ESPIONAGE.

Comment: That's right, espionage again! It's a way of coming full circle to the realization that good tradecraft begins, and ends with, the E.S.P.I.O.N.A.G.E. principle!

Secret 100268. The more important the briefing, the fewer the people in the room, toward a limit of -∞.

I have a strong sense of moral purpose. I can typically detect moral purpose from well over a hundred yards.

According to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, you can know the position on key issues of a foreign head of state you've recruited, or how fast he's fleeing the country, but not both at the same time.

Dead drop. A geographical location and/or process utilized for passing messages between intelligence operatives such that the operatives aren't required to physically meet. Examples of dead drops include hollowed out tree trunks, hidden niches along footpaths, draft folders in obscure e-mail accounts, and being married.

If I'm no bigger than the things that annoy me, then I'm potentially as big as the things I annoy.

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to fill out and submit a Possibility Limits Discovery Request Form.

Secret 92.11. If it's a covert operation, you deny that you did it, but you don't necessarily deny it happened. If it's a clandestine operation, you deny it happened, but you don't necessarily deny that you did it.

Forget the chase – let's cut to the crash.

Is 'motherf***er' one insult or two?

Inside every uncleared person there's a cleared person trying not to be noticed.

Secret 84910211. Who gets briefed is what gets briefed.

Official cover. Notional employment affiliation, typically 'backstopped,' assigned to and used as an operational facade by a covert intelligence officer. (See 'self,' 'spouse,' 'universe,' 'God').

Clarification: In proposition 4.116 of Wittgenstein's Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus, the statement "Everything that can be said can be said clearly" should have a comma after the second instance of "said."

In 1942 Colonel William 'Wild Bill' Donovan created the Office of Strategic Services, which would later become the Miss USA Beauty Pageant.

Secret 23580614965015.0. Toward an upper limit of five, for each word in the Executive Summary of a National Intelligence Estimate he or she actually reads, a policymaker's influence on policy making decreases by twenty percent.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

Hatred and tolerance aren't mutually incompatible, they're mutually indispensable.

I know the who, what, when, where and why – I'm just not all that certain about the whether.

I've never been caught up in a love triangle, but I have had sex in a pentagon.

If you say 'Barack Obama' backwards, it sounds like you're threatening to beat up an Arab.

Actually, real charity should definitely care if it's tax deductible or not – if it is, it can donate the tax refund to charity.

If problems are opportunities in disguise, an opportunity is work in drag.

A tiger can't eat you if you hide in a lion's stomach.

Secret 9861046.1. Never place a romantic interest above an intelligence relationship, unless the three of you are comfortable in that position.

To be excessively clueful is an extreme form of cluelessness.

Secret 8.i.m. Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. They write it.

Carpe diem dulcis: Seize a nice day!

Fortune favors the brave. They taste crunchier.

WWJJAD: What would James Jesus Angleton do?

Any man who has to be taught how to fish probably has a limited life expectancy anyway.

For a mid-level government employee, James Bond sure doesn't seem to get much sex.

There's nothing more embarrassing than strolling into the office humming 'It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day,' then hearing the hushed whispers of co-workers and realizing … it's only a hap-happy day.

Insensitive data. Data that is callous or inconsiderate, deficient in sensibility, lacking in acuteness of feeling or/and unclassified.

Does it count as being dumbfounded if you were kind of dumb already?

Secret 8391924. Sometimes down and out is better than up and in.

There's nae business like spae business.

Money isn't everything, but it's anything.

I have nothing against an open society; some of my best friends are open societies.

Death before dishonor. One thing at a time.

St. Genesius is the patron saint of clowns and lawyers. Clearly, the Lord doesn't always work in mysterious ways.

Please don’t insult my intelligence – my sources are doing the best they can.

To forgive and forget is noble, but to forget is more efficient.

Conference room camouflage. Asking questions, writing down notes, proposing action items.

Actually, hindsight is more like 00

Sex in the future will be pretty much like it is today. That is, it'll be in the future.

The only alternative to co-existence is co-extinction. And even then the difference is mostly packaging.

Secret 34513741. The blackest operation isn't conducted in broad daylight – the blackest operation is broad daylight itself.

The classification is the message. (CUI)

There's nothing I wouldn't do on your behalf, if I could just get my hands on it.

If there's no magic bullet, how do you explain all the magic bullet holes?

I'm in cahoots, I just don't know who with.

The world is your safe house.

Technically speaking, you can't be corrupt and incompetent.

Secret 9780309084369 . Never lie on a polygraph. The needles get all bent, and then they ask you even more questions.

Success is a relative concept. It depends on which relative you ask.

It's not a 'loophole,' it's a policy flexibility assurance aperture.

A whisper is a porn link everyone clicks.

If the Information Age is over, why are you telling me?

Like 'theatre' and 'theater', 'cosmic' and 'comics' are just alternative spellings of the same word.

Sensitive But Unclassified is the poor man's For Official Use Only.

Casual sex causes sexual casualties. I got laid for coming up with that.

My mother taught me: “Always remember to wash between your ears.”

Can I not pay attention and just be outraged all the time?

Universal Intelligence Estimate

Kingdoms fall

Temples crumble

All because a girl

Consents to take a tumble

Kingdoms rise

Temples men construct

All because a girl

Declines to be amorous

Einstein said: "In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

Of course, good luck finding the "middle" of something in 4-dimensional curved space-time.

There's no such thing as a good combover. There are only great ones.

In an opposite universe, you're willing to fight for your beliefs before you have any, and frequently do so. – Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an Opposite Universe, Reason 419.1

They say you should never raise your hand to your children; but how else am I supposed to request their permission to speak???

Whatever you smash, call an idol.

If you hear someone shouting 'Help!', go to them immediately – it may be first come first served.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad? Why would nice people like gods want to destroy someone?

Secret 3.25.1. If your heart tells you one thing and your head another, give the deciding vote to your ass.

Hold my government while I take over this drink.

Secret 35.44.30. Countersurveil others as you would have others countersurveil you.

3.0 x 10⁰ cheers for scientific notation!

Action may speak louder than words, but it's still just a bunch of talk.

CIA brainwashing. Wet brain and apply CIA liberally. Gently massage into lobes. Rinse brain thoroughly. Repeat as needed.

I have overcome the desire for material things. There's way more money in antimatter.

Secret 6, 3-4. Life is a false flag operation.

The opposite of doing one fool thing after another is doing one fool thing before the next.

The data isn't fudged, it's semi-sweetened.

It's better to have done something than to have been someone. But to have done someone: this is most excellent of all.

Plans and Intentions:

An Intelligence Typology

1. In the Southern Hemisphere, the intention is to have a plan.

2. In the Northern Hemisphere, the plan is to have an intention.

Real ultimate fighting means learning to be friends.

I'd rather look at all the trannies orbit me, than have a transorbital leukotomy.

What millions died that Caesar salad might be great.

The state of confusion has more than two senators.

Secret 03.44.53. To laugh at oneself is a sign of health. Especially if you cough up blood.

Definition: Secret writing. Writing.

Why 'yin yang?' Why not yang yin?

The ultimate invasion of privacy is privacy.

I try to practice self-denial, but it's hard not to notice the sides of my nose.

Better to be a Christian fed to lions, than a lion fed to Christians.

I hear New York and New Jersey are going to merge and be called New Jerk.

You'll never recruit a more valuable intelligence asset than yourself.

That's what the CIA instructor told me when I flunked the training exercise.

When they say you can't have it both ways, they mean you have to have it even more.

They pulled the rug out from on top of me. – Context classified

I'm not questioning that I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me – I'm questioning whether that's a hand.

Art infiltrates life.

Secret 0836. Implausible confirmation beats plausible denial every time.

Technically speaking, the only things necessary for the triumph of evil are evil and triumph.

Robert Frost said “Hell is a half-filled auditorium.”

Obviously Frost never briefed an overcrowded SCIF.

All policy is foreign policy.

If silence is golden, turning state's evidence is at least platinum.

The CIA is changing – we're slipping into something more comfortable.

Secret 430.354. Don't believe everything you be.

The United States does not employ the 'honey trap' method to recruit foreign intelligence assets. The United States is the honey trap method.

Youth declares 'It fell.'

Maturity confesses 'I dropped it.'

Wisdom affirms 'It fell.'

How much of your 'to-do' list is really a 'to-have-done-to-me' list?

The public enemy number is always one.

The Achilles' heel of Achilles' heel was Achilles.

Secret 900.2625. When showing your teeth, the effect is more impressive if they're actually in your mouth.

Never confuse power with greatness. In fact, if possible, avoid confusing things generally.

They say it's better to burn out than fade away. Then again, what isn't burning out better than!

If it weren't for the laugh track, how would we know when to stop laughing?

Secret 3091.11.70. The ultimate concealment device is being.

There's no finished intelligence, only finished intelligence officers.

Secret 1330. Whenever you hear the phrase 'And they acted as if nothing had happened,' the probability is at least 99.9% that they were right.

Don't make it too plausibly deniable – you may need to claim credit for it later.

Actually, the view from the ash heap of history isn't bad at all.

Secret 354.430. When searching your soul, always check for false bottoms.

We Americans like to say we can't be the world's policeman. But at two o'clock in the morning, who's sitting in the world's donut shop wearing Kevlar and a nine-millimeter, eating Bavarian Crèmes?

To learn that all I really need to know I learned in kindergarten, I needed to go to grad school.

After forty years in an abusive relationship, I finally found the courage to tell myself to get the hell out of my life.

If you ever did, you shouldn't. These things are fun, and fun is goodn't. – The Classified Dr. Seuss

Never mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness has been known to kill people for doing that.

Secret 94.6. To drink alone is to buy a round for the whole universe.

If charity begins at home, I bet I know in which room.

I'll never forget what the grizzled old CIA case officer whispered to me as he lay on his death bed:

"BEGIN MESSAGE: hC4l+rI9ooL3/ y20CLsdfp93*8/ CnD3+vX8letOV/ fk3ds7of45ie99+he: END MESSAGE."

I can neither confirm nor deny that I still live by this wisdom today.

Of course money is no object – money is the subject.

You say you don't know whether you're coming or going ... as if it were somehow possible to do only one at a time.

I acknowledge that it was covert, but I can neither confirm nor deny that it was an action.

Secret 9691.6.21. It isn't that you can't cheat death, it's that death can't cheat you.

Secret 33321.2. If I know your plans, what do I care about your intentions?

Let the record show that the record doesn't show anything.

Secret 0.6913101. Never assume your briefing audience is less intelligent than you. After all, they're smart enough not to be up there briefing.

Barry Commoner said “Nothing ever goes away.”

… Whatever happened to that guy?

In retrospect, it must be acknowledged that the Agency's secret rendition program was morally problematic – though as a CIA officer I stand by the quality of our in-flight movies.

I deny aiding the enemy. And as for abetting the enemy, I won every single bet.

It's not a midlife crisis if it kills you instantly.

What part of don't you understand?

After 20 years spent working for the Agency, acquiring intelligence on some of the most sensitive topics in some of the world's most dangerous locales, I increasingly find myself asking the question: When are we supposed to turn all this stuff in?

Secret 42R. The crowd isn't booing, they're saying 'Screw you.'

Secret 0.361929. Know thyself, but officially disavow the relationship.

If you've thrown up in one black helicopter, you've thrown up in them all.

What time isn't it?

In the brush pass of life, each of us is both case officer and agent. And in that most clandestine of encounters, the secret we deliver and receive is … our self.

There's nothing I can tell you now that you don't already not know. – To a recently certified CIA case officeress

Note to self: When casting my fate to the wind, make sure to cast it downwind next time.

Not only am I willing to die for my beliefs, I'm starting to get pretty good at it.

If, as the saying goes, we are descended not only from monkeys but from monks, who hit on whom?

Come to think of it, pretty much any word combined with 'intelligence' is an oxymoron.

They say a good briefer always leaves his audience laughing.

… Ha ha ha ha ha! – Concluding remarks, while waving and walking off the stage

Answers for the Ages

1. Can you please rephrase the question?

2. Shut the hell up.

3. Because people want to make babies.

4. A multiple of π.

5. Because people don't want to make babies.

6. The cheggcken.

7. Actually, the correct value is 41.999999999.

8. The answer lies within your own heart. (See 2 above.)

9. Blue … no, yellow!

10. What road???

11. It's classified.

12. Down the hallway and to the left.

Appendix

Tradecraft Exercises

The following exercises have been shown to provide significant value in the development, maintenance and ongoing enhancement of proper intelligence tradecraft. Though not exhaustive, this exercise set addresses key elements and dimensions of tradecraft as practiced by successful intelligence professionals. Readers need not attempt every exercise in this section, though it is strongly recommended they try each at least once. Professional and aspiring intelligence officers alike are encouraged to periodically review this list and repeat selected exercises from time to time as appropriate.

Tradecraft Exercise 1. Simulate recruiting agents.

Imagine that ordinary people you meet are potential intelligence assets whose development and recruitment will aid the cause of freedom and democratic government, and help you advance your career. Follow appropriate principles of agent development (e.g., establish rapport, listen to and empathize with other peoples' thoughts and feelings, offer help as appropriate but without creating the impression of pursuing an agenda, etc.)

Comment: For obvious reasons, an actual 'pitch' should not be attempted during this exercise. On the other hand, don't be surprised if the person in question offers to serve as an asset without you asking them to. (Note: be sure to use discretion when deciding whether to accept their offer).

Tradecraft Exercise 2. Practice covert operations.

Develop your covert operations skills by secretly performing small, helpful actions for people.

Comment: Please note that if you're discovered performing small, helpful actions for people, the government may officially deny knowledge of your existence.

Tradecraft Exercise 3. Simulate being under surveillance.

Imagine that not only your physical actions and statements are being recorded, but your very thoughts and feelings are being monitored as well.

Comment: Engaging in rigorous tradecraft exercises like this can help you 'raise the bar' and position you for success in an ever more demanding, technically challenging intelligence world. Furthermore, if classified reports of the existence of an all-seeing, all-knowing Light are accurate, then regular practice of this and other tradecraft exercises can prepare you for a highly successful intelligence career beyond your current physical body.

Tradecraft Exercise 4. End poverty and injustice, and save the world.

Comment: Ending poverty and injustice and saving the world can be extremely valuable in the development of a well-rounded intelligence professional. Intelligence officers who end poverty and injustice and save the world are significantly more likely to attain success in field assignments, and such officers enjoy a markedly higher degree of job satisfaction than their non-poverty and injustice ending, non-world saving intelligence community counterparts.

Tradecraft Exercise 5. Practice pain tolerance.

To enhance your ability to withstand torture during interrogation as well as survive physically demanding operational activities, develop techniques for dealing with physiological and/or psychological pain and stress. Pain tolerance methods commonly employed by successful intelligence officers include breathing exercises, meditation, spiritual reflection/prayer, or/and judicious consumption of Calimochos de CIA, a popular intelligence community drink consisting of Burgundy or another red wine, a caffeinated soft drink such as Diet Coke, and at least 90 proof vodka, gin or schnapps.

Comment: Mix and vary the above ingredients as appropriate.

Tradecraft Exercise 6. Craft and perfect disguise techniques.

Develop your ability to avoid being recognized as an operations officer by hostile services. Study your appearance and public persona, and look for ways to make yourself less 'visible.' Cultivate a calm, ordinary demeanor; create the impression of being stable, friendly and cooperative. To make the disguise complete, actually be this way as frequently as possible (preferably at least 99.9% of the time).

Comment: Remember, the most effective disguises involve neither make-up nor props.

Tradecraft Exercise 7. Sell everything you have and give the money to the poor.

Comment: Selling everything one has and giving the money to the poor offers significant tradecraft advantages with respect to operational cover, budgeting and logistical requirements, reduced need for concealment devices, and more. For additional information see the following classified intelligence publications: Mk 3: 21, Lk 12: 33, Lk 18: 22, Mt 19:21, Mk 8:21 and related documents.

Tradecraft Exercise 8. Practice pleasure tolerance.

Comment: See Exercise 5 above.

Tradecraft Exercise 9. Get married and have a bunch of kids.

Comment: If you're already married and have a bunch of kids, it is recommended that you skip this exercise.

Tradecraft Exercise 10. Enjoy a sunset.

Comment: For maximum tradecraft benefit, let the sunset enjoy you too.

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I am the true tradecraft.