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Contact Report
The Covert Comic
Note: This document is classified Third Eye Only.
The following is a collection of excerpts from official field cables
written by CIA operations officer John Alejandro King a.k.a. the Covert
Comic. It consists of
contact reports, observations on intelligence-related topics, and
additional restricted insights.
This information has been provided at considerable risk to
agents. Accordingly, if
you're an agent (literary, talent, or certain other types of agent),
consider keeping as far away from this information as possible.
*
The contact report is a contact sport.
*
There are fewer things too strange to happen, than things too strange
not to.
*
Diplomats drink while talking.
Ops officers talk while drinking.
*
Subject told me not to be nervous, as she didn't bite.
Luckily I'd been briefed that she preferred to constrict and swallow
whole. – Contact Report
* As a CIA
officer, I sometimes have to tell policymakers in Congress what they
don't want to hear. ... For
example, that I accidentally backed into several of their cars while
parking.
* 'Diplomatic mission' is an oxymoron.
*
Don't
imagine for a second that the CIA can detect your thoughts.
Imagine it for at least 2.5 seconds, so we can calibrate our
monitors.
* A
hot-looking walk-in approached me at the embassy and proposed sex for
secrets. At first I
hesitated, but her information was
pretty good.
*
The asset looked more dead than alive.
Which, given that he was in fact deceased, lent the scene a
certain credibility. –
Contact Report
*
A covert operation is only as effective as its worst operative.
The worse your worst operative, the more effective your covert
operation.
*
The
crunchy taco shall become soft, the soft taco, crunchy.
*
Secrets have no morals - but not vice versa.
*
Secret
0.81201. 2 out of 3 stories
with legs have cellulite.
* Who
cares whether computers are intelligent, as long as they're sincere?
*
'Open secret' isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.
* He who fights and runs away
May
live to fight another day
But
he whose foe to flee does pay
*
Covert action is diplomacy carried to its logical contusion.
* By sheer coincidence, the blouse bordering her plunging décolletage was exceedingly sheer, barely concealing her coincidences. – Contact Report
My view on CIA torture? It depends who at CIA you're torturing.
*
I don't subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the
swimsuit issue for free.
* I assume a class action product liability
lawsuit against the maker of Jedi lightsabers is a manifestation of the
dark side of the Force.
*
When writing a contact report, the term 'intense vocalization' should be
used in place of words like 'moan,' 'pant' and 'sigh.' – Contact
report guidelines
*
Secret 251170.
Never let power go to your head.
There are much better parts of you for power to go to.
*
The Key
Judgments in this National Intelligence Estimate completely contradict
each other. That said, this
document is not without its flaws. –
*
Didn't see my
therapist today. The shower
cam was too foggy.
*
It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter.
*
Secret 146250.
A fool and his intelligence assets aren't soon parted.
*
Too much
groundbreaking leaves nothing but dirt.
*
She walked into my life like a shopper
walking into a locked door an hour before the store opens.
– Contact Report
*
FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week:
The paper this fortune is printed on
contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.
*
Sometimes, what
seems like an evil is really goodness in disguise (which, if you think
about it, is kind of evil of goodness).
*
SpookSpeak.
Zombieline n.
A project deadline that moves under its own power in search of
live brains to consume. Also
known as an undeadline.
*
I'm not
necessarily saying polygraphers are bad people, I just feel that
monographous relationships are healthier for everyone involved.
*
The foot is nobler than the shoe.
But the shoe is nobler than the clown shoe.
*
We need a sanity check.
… Yep, still insane.
*
During my first TDY, the chief of station told me "Your contact
reporting needs more glandularity."
I said "You mean granularity?"
He said "That too."
*
After thorough examination, determined that subject's trunk definitely
does not have a false bottom. -
Contact Report
*
*
Doing is one
thing, saying is your cover.
*
Let the facts
speak for themselves, and they'll usually plead the Fifth.
*
Misery loves
the Company.
*
Who says you can't
negotiate with terrorists? I
just traded one for a deputy foreign minister and cash! – Contact Report
*
Who remembers the memorandum of understanding shall not understand
it. Who understands the memorandum of understanding shall not remember
it.
*
Director's cut? Let's hope
it's a major artery.
*
Lying in
politics isn't as old as the hills; lying in politics created them.
*
By stripping it
of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansing leaves your ethnicity dry,
wrinkled and flaky.
*
What we need is
a multidisciplinary approach to counterintelligence.
The more frequently a CI officer gets paddled, the better.
*
We don't have
to live in fear. We can move
out to the suburbs and commute to fear instead.
*
Bishop Fulton Sheen
If not for his
call to priesthood
The Bishop
Fulton Sheen
Might have been
a five-star general
Or even a famed
drag queen
*
Remember, vast government conspiracies create jobs.
*
It bothers me
when I hear people making negative comments about my religion. I
worked hard to found that religion.
*
E = SLL
Energy equals
staff times the speed of life scared.
*
America has never lost a
war. We just misplaced a
couple temporarily.
*
She liked playing the part of the
tough, hardboiled ops officer.
But I could tell that if someone steamed her properly, she'd be
easy to peel. – Contact Report
*
One compromises
much to remain uncompromising.
*
As thou stoneth the martyr,
so thou martyreth the stone.
*
Kiss the
girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.
*
When is the
lessons learned review on the lessons learned review?
* |
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