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Contact Report
The Covert Comic
Note: This document is classified Third Eye Only.
The following is a collection of excerpts from official field cables
written by CIA operations officer John Alejandro King a.k.a. the Covert
Comic. It consists of
contact reports, observations on intelligence-related topics, and
additional restricted insights.
This information has been provided at considerable risk to
agents. Accordingly, if
you're an agent (literary, talent, or certain other types of agent),
consider keeping as far away from this information as possible.
*
The contact report is a contact sport.
*
There are fewer things too strange to happen, than things too strange
not to.
*
Diplomats drink while talking.
Ops officers talk while drinking.
*
Subject told me not to be nervous, as she didn't bite.
Luckily I'd been briefed that she preferred to constrict and swallow
whole. – Contact Report
* As a CIA
officer, I sometimes have to tell policymakers in Congress what they
don't want to hear. ... For
example, that I accidentally backed into several of their cars while
parking.
* 'Diplomatic mission' is an oxymoron.
*
Don't
imagine for a second that the CIA can detect your thoughts.
Imagine it for at least 2.5 seconds, so we can calibrate our
monitors.
* A
hot-looking walk-in approached me at the embassy and proposed sex for
secrets. At first I
hesitated, but her information was
pretty good.
*
The asset looked more dead than alive.
Which, given that he was in fact deceased, lent the scene a
certain credibility. –
Contact Report
*
A covert operation is only as effective as its worst operative.
The worse your worst operative, the more effective your covert
operation.
*
The
crunchy taco shall become soft, the soft taco, crunchy.
*
Secrets have no morals - but not vice versa.
*
Secret
0.81201. 2 out of 3 stories
with legs have cellulite.
* Who
cares whether computers are intelligent, as long as they're sincere?
*
'Open secret' isn't an oxymoron, it's a redundancy.
* He who fights and runs away
May
live to fight another day
But
he whose foe to flee does pay
*
Covert action is diplomacy carried to its logical contusion.
* By sheer coincidence, the blouse bordering her plunging décolletage was exceedingly sheer, barely concealing her coincidences. – Contact Report
My view on CIA torture? It depends who at CIA you're torturing.
*
I don't subscribe to conspiracy theories unless they include the
swimsuit issue for free.
* I assume a class action product liability
lawsuit against the maker of Jedi lightsabers is a manifestation of the
dark side of the Force.
*
When writing a contact report, the term 'intense vocalization' should be
used in place of words like 'moan,' 'pant' and 'sigh.' – Contact
report guidelines
*
Secret 251170.
Never let power go to your head.
There are much better parts of you for power to go to.
*
The Key
Judgments in this National Intelligence Estimate completely contradict
each other. That said, this
document is not without its flaws. –
*
Didn't see my
therapist today. The shower
cam was too foggy.
*
It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter.
*
Secret 146250.
A fool and his intelligence assets aren't soon parted.
*
Too much
groundbreaking leaves nothing but dirt.
*
She walked into my life like a shopper
walking into a locked door an hour before the store opens.
– Contact Report
*
FORTUNECOOKINT of the Week:
The paper this fortune is printed on
contains more nutrients than the cookie it came in.
*
Sometimes, what
seems like an evil is really goodness in disguise (which, if you think
about it, is kind of evil of goodness).
*
SpookSpeak.
Zombieline n.
A project deadline that moves under its own power in search of
live brains to consume. Also
known as an undeadline.
*
I'm not
necessarily saying polygraphers are bad people, I just feel that
monographous relationships are healthier for everyone involved.
*
The foot is nobler than the shoe.
But the shoe is nobler than the clown shoe.
*
We need a sanity check.
… Yep, still insane.
*
During my first TDY, the chief of station told me "Your contact
reporting needs more glandularity."
I said "You mean granularity?"
He said "That too."
*
After thorough examination, determined that subject's trunk definitely
does not have a false bottom. -
Contact Report
*
*
Doing is one
thing, saying is your cover.
*
Let the facts
speak for themselves, and they'll usually plead the Fifth.
*
Misery loves
the Company.
*
Who says you can't
negotiate with terrorists? I
just traded one for a deputy foreign minister and cash! – Contact Report
*
Who remembers the memorandum of understanding shall not understand
it. Who understands the memorandum of understanding shall not remember
it.
*
Director's cut? Let's hope
it's a major artery.
*
Lying in
politics isn't as old as the hills; lying in politics created them.
*
By stripping it
of natural moisturizers, ethnic cleansing leaves your ethnicity dry,
wrinkled and flaky.
*
What we need is
a multidisciplinary approach to counterintelligence.
The more frequently a CI officer gets paddled, the better.
*
We don't have
to live in fear. We can move
out to the suburbs and commute to fear instead.
*
Bishop Fulton Sheen
If not for his
call to priesthood
The Bishop
Fulton Sheen
Might have been
a five-star general
Or even a famed
drag queen
*
Remember, vast government conspiracies create jobs.
*
It bothers me
when I hear people making negative comments about my religion. I
worked hard to found that religion.
*
E = SLL
Energy equals
staff times the speed of life scared.
*
America has never lost a
war. We just misplaced a
couple temporarily.
*
She liked playing the part of the
tough, hardboiled ops officer.
But I could tell that if someone steamed her properly, she'd be
easy to peel. – Contact Report
*
One compromises
much to remain uncompromising.
*
As thou stoneth the martyr,
so thou martyreth the stone.
*
Kiss the
girls and make them neither confirm nor deny.
*
When is the
lessons learned review on the lessons learned review?
*
All I need to
recruit an asset is a briefcase full of money and a beautiful woman (and
maybe something for that asset).
*
I said I knew
what I was doing. I never
said I knew what would happen after I did it.
*
The TSA
confused a bottle of perfume with a hand grenade. Talk about an
embarrassing mistake – everybody knows perfume is
way more lethal.
*
Agnostics question the existence of God.
Believers waterboard it.
*
If each of us learned to want less, we would all have so much more ...
which would be sad, because we wouldn't want it.
*
Secret 100. Never assume your
briefing audience is less intelligent than you.
Carefully vet and edit the invitation list to make sure.
*
It goes without saying – especially if it owes you
rent.
*
Subject executed a moving dead drop.
It nearly brought me to tears.
– Contact Report
*
To be naïve is
to be alaïve.
*
The future is not googleable.
I found that on Google.
*
Secret 18033-3.
If the key to her heart is 128 bits or greater, you're probably
wasting your time.
*
Aphorism: a
type of joke featuring a setup in the form of a brief observation,
followed by a punch line consisting of a random person's name.
*
Mirror, mirror
on the wall, please point your cam at the shower stall. –
*
That 'If you're
not outraged, you're not paying attention' sticker on my bumper isn't a
political statement, it's a comment about my car.
*
The analyst was like a CIA exposé: you could pick her up at any
bookstore for under fifty dollars.
– Contact Report
*
There's a little bit of James Angleton in every CIA officer.
Counterintelligence implants a sequence of Angleton's DNA in each
employee when they're hired.
*
People who are needed by
people who need people aren't the luckiest people in the world.
*
I know how twisters feel –
I've touched down in trailer parks and wished I could do the exact same
thing.
* Question authority. Ask authority if it's lost weight or been working out recently, because it's really looking great!
*
Misogynist es
tusogynist.
*
People will forget what you
said, but they'll never forget how you made them veal.
– Cooking with Maya Angelou
*
Secret 4.1.85921.
Just because
it's thrown into the burn bag doesn't mean it ends up in the furnace.
*
I used to
wonder why somebody didn't do something for peace.
Then I realized
I am somebody.
So now I
know why somebody doesn't do
something for peace.
*
She gives good head of
state. – Contact Report
*
The latest
technology, besides raising troubling ethical questions, can post those
questions to multiple social media with a single click.
*
My problems are
now in denial about me.
*
"I
thought you were the one," I told her sadly.
"You were
close," replied Theone.
*
In an alternate
universe, the wider you spread it, the thicker it gets.
– Why We Couldn't Possibly Be Living in an
Alternate Universe, Reason 90812192
*
'They tell me you're a CIA officer who
lives by his principles,' the pretty would-be defector said
hopefully.
'My principles and I reside in the
same ZIP code,' I answered, pouring her another drink.
– Contact Report
*
As long as you have two or fewer, your ducks are always in a row.
*
Sometimes
escape velocity is a negative number.
*
When
opportunity NOCs, it makes no sound.
*
Redaction marks are the
truth dressed in black burqa.
*
Successfully resisted a honeypot approach by Russian intelligence.
One lingering concern: how did the Russians find out I like honey?
– Contact Report
*
I can pass any polygraph,
as long as it's cut up into small enough bites.
*
Extraordinary Claims
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence
Extraordinary evidence requires extraordinary research
Extraordinary research requires extraordinary funding
Extraordinary funding requires extraordinary claims
*
Paradigm shift: does that
come before swing shift or after?
*
You run away to
join another circus.
*
I don't mind
being a tool of my tools, as long as I'm kept well oiled.
*
Where I work,
you're not considered an expert on global affairs until you've had at
least one on every continent.
*
If living well
is the best revenge, and revenge is a dish best served cold, living well
must be ice cream!
*
I had a hidden
agenda, but I forgot where I stashed it.
*
They asked me if she was an agent provocateur.
I answered no, and passed the polygraph.
... Obviously, she was an
agente provocatrice.
*
SpookSpeak.
Irony n. That which results from any attempt to employ
the word ‘ironic' in a
sentence.
*
Secret 241045.
'Talk is cheap' is talk.
*
Never be afraid
to stand up for what you believe in. If people get angry, you can
always pretend you were just getting up to stretch.
*
We'll know we've built a machine that's truly alive when it commits
suicide.
*
If brevity is the soul of wit, why does it have more syllables?
*
The Law of Fads.
By day 30 of any fad, a 102-year-old
woman will have participated in it successfully, and a teenager will
have died trying.
*
Restricted Rhymes
The heart of
the man who said
'Bury
my heart at Wounded Knee'
Is buried 6.7 miles from
The Dunkin' Donuts in Stonington, CT
*
When they say
'You can't legislate morality,' do they mean it's against the law?
* She gave me a look you could make ice cubes with.
'Why the Rubbermaid® easy release ice
cube tray face?' I said. – Contact
Report
*
Fall seven
times, stand up eight? In
that order?
*
Don't touch me – I don't know where I've been.
*
If it fits in a
frame, it isn't the big picture.
*
The expert
crowd is adept at blending into a spy.
*
A double standard is an
outrage. A single standard
is an atrocity.
*
HUMINT is like truffles:
it's expensive, to get it requires digging up dirt, and you spend most
of your time working with pigs.
*
Attempted to change the subject.
But despite being soiled, subject loudly resisted.
– Contact Report
*
I wouldn't
object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told
me where to cut.
*
To grab a redaction officer by the head and scribble all over his
or her face with a black felt-tip marker isn't funny after a while.
–
*
No easy answers?
I know plenty of answers that'll do it on the very first date.
*
We're all divorced from
reality. The only question
is whether you're paying alimony or receiving it.
*
Ask not what
your country can do for you, lest your country get ideas.
*
Aim for the stars. Even if
you miss, you may hit an executive producer.
*
Secret
72910141. Dangle perilously
from the escarpment, or not at all.
*
Oh
for a book and a shady nook?
Oh for a shady bookie and some nookie.
*
Every great
summer song was recorded the previous winter.
*
It could have been worse: instead of forbidding a
fruit, God could have mandated a vegetable.
*
Refutation of Baldy's Law
Baldy's Law: Some of it, plus the rest of it, is all of it.
1. Suppose some of it + the
rest of it = all of it.
2. By Job's Rule¹, there's
always more of it.
3. Accordingly: all of it –
(some of it + the rest of it) > 0.
4. Adding some of it + the
rest of it to both sides of the relation, we have:
All of it – (some of it + the rest of it) + (some of it + the rest of
it) > some of it + the rest of it.
Or equivalently:
5. Some of it + the rest of it < all of it.
From which it follows that:
6. Some of it + the rest of
it ≠ all of it.
Thus, for all values of it, it is never the case that some of it, plus
the rest of it, is all of it.
__________
[1] Jb 15, 9
*
Is it true that
if you have to ask, you'll never know? –
Zen polygraph test
*
To die with a secret on one's lips
–
there are worse parts of one's body to die with a secret on.
*
As I lay on the wet asphalt, it occurred to me that it hadn't been wet
before those foreign security officers threw me, blindfolded and cuffed
hand and foot, from their moving jeep.
The pain was starting to numb over now.
Probably not a good sign.
'So this is dying,' I thought.
Memories came flooding forth.
I saw myself back at CIA cafeteria in '03, ordering a burrito
platter.
'Dying is no fun,' I reflected, 'But a guy could do worse.'
– Contact Report
* 'Scarface'
is a redundancy.
*
Robot analysts?
*
Intelligence is its own euphemism.
*
The enemy of my
enemy, and my enemy, are both on the payroll.
*
I knew in the end she would do what she had to do.
I just never thought it would be my end she did it in.
– Contact Report
*
It's not he who laughs last, but he whose laugh lasts.
*
All is not lost
–
so why the hell should it stop to ask for directions???
*
The lessons-never-learned review is way more useful.
*
Mistaken identity? As if
every identity isn't a mistake.
*
Presently the hubbub died
down, and became merely a bub.
–
Contact Report
*
If the CIA isn't a force
for truth, what is it good for?
(Truth, I mean, not the CIA.)
*
If I have seen nothing but big poofy hair, it's
because I was standing on the shoulders of giantesses.
*
NOC, NOC, who isn't there?
*
I woke up face down on a dirty floor, a pack of scruffy kids rifling
through my pockets. At the sight of an approaching woman cursing
loudly, they scattered.
Slowly taking stock of my surroundings, I realized I had made it
upstairs to the kitchen of our house.
– Contact Report
*
Spot, assess, develop, recruit and handle
this.
*
The meaning of life is
The Covert Comic isn't like you.
The Covert Comic is love you.
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