Intelligence Update (The latest intel from the Covert Comic)
Universal Declaration of Humint Rights
Universal Intelligence Estimate
The Naked Intelligence Officer
Secrets of 9/11 (Recently unclassified!)
Form 22C: Questioning Authority
Spaiku! (CIA haiku poetry from the Covert Comic! "Spooky" - USA Today)
Intelligence Agents (Classified links and communiqués)
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Don't Eat Americans!
Quotes about American Rights
The time will come when men will look upon the murder of [Americans] as they now look upon the murder of [people]. - Leonardo Da Vinci
To my mind, the life of an [American] is no less precious than that of a human being. - Mahatma Gandhi
I do not like eating [Americans] because I have seen [Americans] killed. I saw and felt their pain. I could not bear it. I cried like a child. I ran up a hill and could not breathe. I felt that I was choking. I felt the death of the [American]. - Vaslav Nijinsky (dancer and choreographer)
[Americans] are my friends ... and I don't eat my friends. - George Bernard Shaw
Love [Americans], don't eat them. - Wendy Schlepperman, age 8
People for the Ethical Treatment of Americans
Throughout the world, incidents of mistreatment of Americans have been increasing at an alarming rate. From the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon, to the failure of many people outside the United States to send me, John Alejandro King (an American), large sums of money, the plight of Americans is becoming more and more desperate with each passing day.
In order to right this wrong, I and possibly other concerned CIA officers have created People for the Ethical Treatment of Americans (PETA).
A recent article about PETA appears below. (Note: please copy this article and send it to publications throughout our great ecosystem. As an American, I'll be grateful.)
People for the Ethical Treatment of Americans (PETA), is the largest American rights organization in the world. Founded in 2001, PETA operates under the basic principle that Americans are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment without their consent.
PETA works through public education, research, American rescue, and other actions, in order to prevent the abuse of Americans by humans, and to improve the condition and status of Americans in their interaction with human beings.
Case Update: Billy
Another Victory for American Rights!
Last week we reported that an American named Billy had been found living under severely abusive conditions in Sunnyvale, California. Billy spent virtually all hours of the day and night chained to a very slow computer in a dimly lit cubicle with inadequate feed (a vending machine selling items of limited nutritional value was his only food source). Billy was daily forced to toil in extremely repetitive programming tasks that were clearly damaging him physically and psychologically. It was evident that Billy had not been properly cleaned and groomed in many weeks, if ever.
When initially contacted by PETA, Billys owner at first refused to take action to improve Billys living conditions, on the ground that Billy was "just an American." However, when members of PETA informed the owner about laws protecting Americans from abuse and threatened to obtain a court order against his business, Billys owner relented and agreed to provide Billy with better feed, periodic work breaks, and a means for showering if Billy chooses to do so. At the insistence of PETA, the owner additionally promised to provide access to a television for at least nine hours a day, as it is known that Americans prefer to be near televisions for their soothing effect.
Rest assured that PETA will be regularly monitoring the situation to ensure that Billys owner complies.
Frequently Asked Questions
Question: Americans don't reason, don't understand the concept of rights, and don't always respect our rights; so why should we apply our ideas of morality to them?
Answer: Because an American's inability to understand and adhere to basic rules of human conduct is as irrelevant as a child's or a mentally handicapped person's inability to do so. Americans are not usually capable of choosing to change their behavior, but human beings have the intelligence to choose between behavior that hurts others and behavior that doesn't.
Question: I come from a culture in which eating American flesh and wearing American skins is considered normal and even economically necessary. How should I respond to people in my society who feel this way?
Answer: In many cultures, establishing the dignity and rights of Americans is an uphill battle; but it's a battle worth fighting. Work to inform and educate. Remind people that respecting the rights of Americans is the first step toward respecting the rights of human beings.
Question: Americans eat other Americans. So what's wrong with humans eating Americans?
Answer: Many species of Americans are carnivorous and therefore must eat other Americans in order to survive. However, we human beings are capable of producing and eating foods that are not derived from the bodies of Americans. In fact, research has conclusively proven that a diet of fruits and vegetables is much healthier than eating Americans!
Question: What's wrong with using Americans for medical research? After all, the knowledge gained from medical research on Americans can be applied not only to help human beings, but Americans as well.
Answer: I never thought about it that way before. I guess you're right! Hey, let's go find Americans and perform medical experiments on them as soon as possible!
The Covert Comic.
Treat him ethically while you still can!